Original subtitles

Can you put eggs in the microwave?

No.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm about you, baby.

So, Professor Tomasi, how do you like my documentary?

Your film, Buckman? Yes.

Did you get a chance to watch it? Yes, I did.

And? Truthfully, please. I thought it was wonderful.

Oh, get out of here. I found it to be wonderful.

Very moving, well -paced. Oh, good.

Marvelously spirited. Good, good. I cared about all the characters. Good,

good. And I found your editing very judicious.

Boy, coming from you, that is high praise indeed.

And the music? Oh, I thought the music was wonderful. Oh, good, good, good,

good, good, good.

Boy, well, shoot me now, because that's all I need to hear.

I thought there were a few patches near the beginning of the film that you might

want to look at again.

Yeah, oh, well, you know, because it's not totally finished yet.

Oh, I understand.

You know, and especially in the beginning. I mean, that's the area,

enough, that I'm really... In fact, it's only just a few minutes, really, right

at the beginning. Just a minute. Okay, yeah, yeah, sure, of course, of course,

little bit.

But basically... Basically, I thought it was a brilliant... Okay, okay, good,

good, good, good, good, good, good.

Well, Professor Tomasi, thank you so much.

Yes?

Professor, can I talk to you before class today? I will be with you in just

minute. Say hello to my favorite student of all time, Paul Buck. Hi, how you

doing?

Watch classic films and remember, emulate, but never imitate.

Hi, oh, sorry I'm late.

Oh, what did he say?

Okay, ask me how much he liked it. How much did he like it? This much. Yay!

My professor, my mentor.

All right, well, your mentor loved your movie. This is what I'm saying.

You looking for an onion bagel? Ah, whatever.

I ate it.

That's okay. I ate two of them.

It's fine. Three, three and a half. I ate three and a half onion bagels.

Is that a problem?

It's really not. You know, I'm pregnant. I understand.

Hey, Jamie, did you ever wear that sweater I got you? What sweater?

You know, that one I bought you, the white one with the little baby face

embroidered on the belly? Yes, yes, yes, of course I wore it. It looked great.

You really wore it?

Yes, I wore it several times to the office. I wore it to a party we went to

weekend. Some friend's house in New Jersey.

What? You did not.

Yes, I did.

Liar.

I love the sweater. I wore it over and over. It's not my favorite sweater.

It's okay. I wanted to like the sweater.

Hey, you know what? It's no big deal. I just kind of find it sweet that you feel

you have to lie about it.

It wasn't a lie. I was just being nice. Is that a lie?

Uh, no.

I've got to say, when you start making up friends in New Jersey, it's pretty

close to a lie.

Hey, Nat.

Hey, there.

Hi, there. Hi, Nat.

Hey, there's Mr.

Murray.

There's I, Murray Antoinette.

This is my Marie Magdalene.

Nat, would you like something to eat?

Oh, no, thank you. I just had a short steak of flip jigs.

Okay. And you know everybody, Lisa.

Hey, there. Ira.

Hold here.

Hey, Nat, how's it going?

Oh, real good, thank you. Very good, Nat Kenwood.

I'm particularly brilliant this morning because my sister Dory, but bless her

heart, I call her Dory. Her true given name is Doris.

She's staying with me in town for a few days, so... Where's she from?

She currently resides in Plattsburgh. It's a northern part of New York State.

It's a real small hamlet, right up Route 9.

Hey, licorice.

Interestingly enough, she's a very gifted astrological...

My sister, she gives advice to people based on the configurations of their

planetary... She's an astrologer. That's exactly right.

Would she do my chart?

I'm not sure about that. She's kind of here on vacation.

Is this some kind of fortune telling, Matt? No, it's a bit more scientific

that crystal ball crepe au lait.

You know, I have never, ever had my chart done.

You know, Mr. Buckman, under these conditions, you know, perhaps my sister

be willing to do your chart.

Seeing as, you know, you're my employer and all that jazz.

Oh, sweetie, when are you going to have the time?

How about later this afternoon?

Count me in, too.

Really? Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything.

Well, me, too. It was my idea.

I better get all this down.

I've got my whole life in this thing.

So put the three of us... You know what? Put her down, too. No, no, no. I'm not

doing it. Why not?

Hey, guys.

Put her down.

Honey, we were going to go see that 2 .30 movie.

What? We'll go to a movie another time. Put her down. Come on, this will be fun.

Okie dokie. No, Phil, excuse me. I got an antsy pooch on the line here.

All right, come on, Friedman Marie. Come on, Maria Schreiber -Schwarzenegger.

Come on, Maria Schreiber -Schwarzenegger.

Hey, we weren't going to a 2 .30 movie.

I'm pregnant.

All right.

Be here.

Mercury has been in retrograde.

Mercury has been in retrograde. No wonder my life sucks.

Yeah, but check this out.

Mars and Venus are in superior conjunction both with the sun and each

what that's telling me is you may find a big change taking place in your life

very soon.

Big change?

Menopause? No, I don't think that's quite it. What is it then?

Well, I think it's just a matter of how you choose to perceive it.

How I have to choose to perceive it? Yeah.

What am I paying you for?

You're into some heartbreak, Ira.

You see, Dory, now I know that you're nuts.

Because I'm not even going out with anybody.

Well, I don't make this stuff up.

Yeah, I know. I mean, I'm not doubting you, but how the heck am I going to find

myself heartbroken if nobody's anywhere near my heart? I don't know what to tell

you.

It's kind of ironic, too, you know?

How so?

You know, I'm not unattractive. No, you're not. I'm not uninteresting.

not.

Not without a modicum of charm.

Not at all.

I'd have to say you're quite the catch.

Really?

No, things look wonderful for the film, especially around the 25th. If you have

any re -editing or anything to do, the 25th is a very auspicious day.

Okay. Just out of curiosity, how does the 14th look?

Got a dental appointment.

Keep it. All right, good.

Listen, there is one thing I do have to mention.

Death? Is it early death? I knew it.

No, no, no. No, it's just something you should be aware of.

Someone close to you might be experiencing some intense feelings.

Perhaps anger, resentment, jealousy.

Perhaps directed at you.

Jealousy? Perhaps.

Well, who would be jealous of me? I don't know. I couldn't say. Somebody in

world. But it doesn't say?

No, it doesn't give names.

Initials? No.

Tattoo? No. Scar? No. Birthmark? No.

Just taking a wild guess here, is it bald British rocker seal?

I admit I'm a little bit skeptical, but... This is so strange.

Well... Something is not right here.

You say you were born February 18th, 1963.

That's right, 4 .30 a .m. On the East Coast.

Hartford, Connecticut.

Insurance capital of the world.

Yes.

I do read my horoscope sometimes in the paper, and I have to say it's never even

been a little bit accurate.

Well, it's not the same as this. No, I know. I'm sure they have to keep those

things pretty general, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Even so, I'm an Aquarius.

Yeah, I know. And I've read descriptions of what Aquarians are supposed to be

like, and it's never even been remotely like me. Yeah, I know.

Huh. What?

Can I ask you a question?

Yes.

Are you being honest with me?

Yes, I think I'm being very honest with you.

Well, because from what I'm reading here, the truth seems to present quite

obstacle to you.

Excuse me?

Well, let me just try to rephrase this.

Do you find that you are uncomfortable with certain aspects of truthfulness?

I'm quite comfortable with truthfulness. Thank you.

You know what?

I don't think this is going to work out.

I mean, I can't read your chart.

Why not?

You read everyone else's chart. Why can't you read mine?

It's what you do.

Yeah, it is. You got the printer right in front of you. Why can't you just tell

me what it says?

Because it's all lies, okay?

It's the chart of a liar.

A liar?

Yeah, a liar. The chart says very clearly, you are a liar.

liar. It's not me. It's the planets. Here, take a look.

I don't have to take a look at this thing. It's ridiculous.

You are a liar. A terrible liar. And you are wasting my time.

I'm wasting your time.

You know what? I really... I would like you to leave now.

Believe me.

No problem.

Do you have a good session here, Mrs. Buckman?

It was you.

You. Murray's jealous of me.

Murray's jealous. Think about it. I got everything he wants. I got food and

pants. Oh, stop it.

Matt. Hey, there.

Oh, there.

Matt, what are you doing here?

Well, very much to my dismay, Mrs. Bookman.

After what I witnessed earlier today at my sister's, I unfortunately feel that

it would be best for everybody concerned...

If I were to terminate my employment with you as your canine leisure

Effective immediately, unfortunately.

Huh?

I quit.

Matt, now are you sure? I mean, your sister and I had a disagreement, but

doesn't have to change things between us.

Point is, I'm very fond of my sister, Mrs. Buckman. Of course you are. I mean,

we're very, very close indeed.

I'm sure.

And as fond as I am of you, and believe me, I'm very, very fond of you, Mrs.

Buckman. Given a choice, I gotta go with my sister.

Well, I understand that.

Well, you know, blood's thicker than water.

Yeah, I did go to great pains to avoid that particular cliche.

No, no, listen, it's true.

Very, very true. So, uh, bye, Mrs. Buttman.

Bye. Bye, Mr. Buttman. Bye, Natty.

Bye, Marie.

Bye, Jane Marie.

Bye, Marie Marie Quakin.

Trap. Man, I gotta get out of here or I'm gonna start bawling like a little

boy.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Me? Oh, no, no. Yes, if you hadn't sent me to see his cockamamie sister. Excuse

me, if you hadn't had the chart of a liar.

I am not a liar. Well, I don't know that I believe you.

Polly, what did you do?

Tomasi said there were some rough patches in the beginning of the film. So

tore your film apart?

I didn't mean to.

I was just playing with the beginning, and I moved some of it to the middle.

Then I moved the middle to the end, and I took a part of the end, and I put it

near the beginning of the middle.

What's this?

That's the French connection. I don't know how it got in there.

I'll tell you, this is pathetic.

Hey, are you jealous of me?

No, you already asked me that. You know who's jealous of you? Who? This guy,

this clown, Tomasi.

Get out of here. Boy, think about it. You're living a life. He's out there

talking about it. Those who can do, those who cannot teach.

So you're saying that's why... Look at what he's put you through. The man is

sick. Sick.

Tomasi. Tomasi.

Tomasi is the one.

So it was Tomasi all along.

That's right, Paul.

You do what you gotta do, my friend.

Come in.

Paul.

Professor. Have you taken another pass at this?

Yes, I have.

Based on your little note.

If that's what it was, what else would it have been?

I don't know. You tell me. You tell me. Oh, perhaps a feeble little jab, a

desperate pinprick, a pathetic cry for help.

I have to say, never, never in a million years would I have guessed that you,

that you would be jealous of me.

Jealous? You know, I mean, okay, yes, on one level, I get it. Yes, I'm out

there, I'm doing it, I'm living it. You're here, you're just talking about

Okay, those that can do, those that can't teach. I understand that, but I

thought you, you were a bigger man than that. You know, I can't believe you're

talking to me this way. And you want to know what gave you away? What? It was

your choice of feeble jab.

The beginning has a few rough patches.

Come on, am I stupid?

You think I'm stupid? This is perfect. This film plays perfectly from beginning

to end, smooth as silk. There's nothing wrong with it. I know it, you know it.

But still, you have to find something, some little negative, something just to

ruin my parade.

I am on to you, Professor.

No, I was just trying to be diplomatic. The fact is the whole first hour of this

film put me into a cinematic coma.

The exposition is boring.

The Ellis Island stuff is cloying and your mother is so far over the top.

Unless you want to be laughed out of every film festival between here and

Budapest, I suggest that you edit this ponderous little home movie with a

blowtorch.

And you're not just saying this because you're jealous. Get out.

Miss Stim.

Huh? What are you doing?

I'm on my break.

We have customers waiting.

My astrologer told me I have a big change coming, so I'm trying to figure

out. Okay?

That's it.

What? You're fired.

I'm fired?

You heard me.

That's it?

That's right.

The big change. Don't you see? It just happened. Oh, my God.

Oh, that's such a relief.

How'd it go with Lamahu?

Not a big hit.

It's my fourth grade science project.

What is it? The planet Earth as it will appear in the year three million.

It's so small.

What is that?

Sweetie? Look at this.

Birth certificate?

Isn't that weird?

Many people have them.

Look at the birthday.

February 19th.

Exactly. Hey, that's not your birthday.

Exactly.

That's weird.

It's only off by one day. It's my birthday.

Hello? Hi, Mom, it's me.

Oh, Jamie, honey, I'm so glad you called. What's another word for finely

sharpened?

Um, honed?

No, uh -uh. It's four letters.

Have you got any of them?

Yeah, blank, blank, E -N.

Keen. Sure.

Mom, I just found my birth certificate and all the stuff you sent me. It is

keen. Oh, that's great. Yeah, because Australian Cuddly is a koala which

begins with the K from keen.

Oh, funny.

Thank you.

You are such a bright kid.

I love you. Bye -bye. Wait, Mom.

My mother hung up on me.

Hello?

Um, listen, I came across my birth certificate.

And all the stuff you sent me?

Yes.

Yeah, it says my birthday is February 19th. Oh?

Did the hospital make a mistake or something?

Well, of course. Of course they made a mistake. I mean, what other explanation

could there be?

I don't know.

Don't you take that tone with me.

What are you talking about? I did it all for you. You were starting preschool,

and the cutoff date was the 18th, and you were too bright a kid to stay home

another year, and so I fudged it.

You fudged my birthday?

Yes, I fudged it. I'm a fudger, okay?

I knew you were going to find out eventually. I just hoped that I would be

by then.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Do you think it was easy? Huh?

For me? Do you? Watching you every year on your fudge birthday being so happy

and then watching you on your actual birthday being nothing at all?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Please.

I'm so sorry. I won't ever do it again. Please forgive me.

Please.

I'm going to have to call you back.

I love you.

What?

I wasn't born on February 18th.

What are you talking about?

I was born on February 19th.

My whole life is a lie.

Wait a second. Your whole life is not a lie. I mean, come on, you're still you.

I've always felt like such an 18th person.

Well, maybe you could feel like a 19th person.

My lucky number is 18.

Change it to 19. I always bet on 18.

Well, from now on, try betting 19.

See, this just changes everything.

It's not, you know, well, look at the bright side. Look at the bright side.

Maybe you're not a liar.

What are you talking about?

What's her name? Dory. They're reading, all based on the wrong birthday. Maybe

I'm not a liar. Maybe.

Oh! Where are you going? Where are you going? I'm going to go down there and

tell little Miss Planethead that there's a very, very good chance it's just

wrong, wrong, wrong.

Oh! Do me a favor while you're down there. Ask Dory if it's possible, maybe,

don't know. Is she possibly jealous of me?

much more than Pisces Capricorn rising moon and Capricorn so much better so it

doesn't say I'm a liar no quite the contrary really wrong yes I was

aha you know in fact the truth is you're quite an honest person yes I am

I mean according to your real chart you're extremely kind

Well, whatever. It's nice of you to say. No, I'm not saying anything. It's all

right here. You're intelligent, you're a sensitive listener, and you have a lot

of charisma.

Well, maybe I... People are drawn to you, aren't they?

Not everybody, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're very insightful.

And you have the capacity to inspire multitudes with your vision and your

I gotta say, it's pretty amazing. This astrology stuff is incredibly accurate.

Ooh, geez louise and a handbag.

This is quite a surprise.

Come on in. Come on, it was all a big misunderstanding.

Well, get out.

It was, Nat. In fact, would you consider coming back and working for us again?

Murray really misses you. Oh, and I him.

Are you jashing me?

But, uh, Dory, are the planets favorable to the decision?

I am.

Good enough for me, yeah?

Would you mind putting my perishables away for me? I'd like to get over there

and see them right now. You mind if I... I'd like to see them right now.

I have no job and I have no money. I don't really care.

I hate big change.

Hey, listen, I got screwed by this whole astrology thing good, too.

Went and barked at a perfectly nice professor for no reason.

Plus, I never even got to figure out who was jealous of me.

That's because nobody was jealous of you. What do you mean?

Paulie, come on. This whole astrology thing, it's a crock. I'm sorry.

I mean, look at me. I got off scot -free.

Doris says what? You're going to be heartbroken, Ira.

Right.

Like, how heartbroken am I?

Well... She was a nice girl, though. Actually, I'm going to miss her. You

There was something about her. You know, you don't often see girls like that in

the city.

My luck, she lives so far away, right?

Because, you know, actually, they're...

There actually could have been something there. Oh, my God. What?

I am heartbroken. All right, come on.

Now you're reading into it. No, Pauly, I'm not going to see her again, am I?

Listen to me. No, she could have been the one. I don't think so.

Because I can't even eat.

Hey. Hi.

Oh, please tell me what eggs Benedict left.

Two eggs, both Benedict.

Excellent. Oh, God, you're drinking cappuccino. I'm so jealous.

You are very loyal. Oh, that's true. You are loyal.

Your needs are simple. Your love is unconditional.

Wow, this is uncanny, huh? But at times you feel taken for granted.

Is that true? You feel like that? This angers you. This angers you a lot. But

you have a hard time expressing your feelings.

Wow, well, who doesn't, then?

But you're surprisingly instinctive. And you have no pretensions. This is what

draws people to you. Wow, she got you pegged, didn't her?

Let's take a look at your career.