Original subtitles

Oh, you're back, you're back.

I am back, I'm back.

I have the best husband in the world.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. You spoil me sometimes, you really

Hey, who loves you, baby?

Can't believe it's the middle of the night and my husband is making me a hot

pudge sundae.

Yeah.

Believe it, my pretty little wife, believe it.

You got the syrup?

I got the syrup.

Nut? Got the nuts.

Cherry? I got the cherries. Got those little marshmallows?

I love you like I do.

Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm about you, baby.

Which book do you think is better for the gym? John Grisham or Michael

Grisham. Really? Yeah. Plus, Crichton's too tall. Have you ever seen him? He's

like 7 '3". That's true.

It's just that when you're on a stairmaster, you want just the right

know, small chapters, paper that stands up to sweat, and you want big print

because then you lose a lot of... Can I say something? Please.

These baby books, I don't know what they're talking about.

Well, they're written by babies.

They're full of contradictions. This one says an occasional glass of wine is

okay. Well, there's a relief.

Yeah. This one says never touch alcohol.

That makes sense.

This one says exercise as much as possible.

Well, sure. Yeah, but this one says never exercise strenuously.

Strenuously, yeah. Nobody wants that.

That's not helping.

My advice, figure out what you want to do and then just find a book that says

it's okay.

I don't like this bookstore.

You should have gone to Weatherby's. They have a better selection.

Weatherby's closed.

Weatherby's closed? When?

Like six months ago. This place put it out of business.

I didn't realize that.

How could you not realize that?

I've been coming here.

Honey, what about when elephants weep?

Ah, no, no, no.

You said you wanted to read this.

Yeah, but not in that gym. It's a little too sissy -esque.

You know, I can start going to that gym with you now.

Why? What are you talking about? I have a free pass.

What pass?

A free pass. Ten visits. Ira gave it to me.

He shouldn't have done that. Why not?

I don't know. It just doesn't seem to me to be a very good idea. You know, no...

No strenuous exercise.

Lots of strenuous exercise.

Well, we'll put that one back.

I can't go to the gym and work out with you? No, it's not that you can't. What

is it with you in this gym? Nothing. What?

Truth, I like going by myself. It's my sanctuary. You know, it's my little

oasis. Why do you need an oasis?

I just like having a little patch of the world where nobody knows me. Ira knows

you. Yeah, ask me how thrilled I am. He started coming there.

I'm not going to bother you. You know, you can flirt with people. I won't even

say anything.

I'm not flirting. We don't even have to walk in together.

I'm not going to make me feel bad. I said anything at all. No, I'm just

to understand.

I just, I just like, you know what it is? I like going there. When I'm there,

don't have to be anybody's anything.

You know, I mean, I'm nobody's husband.

I'm nobody's son.

I'm nobody's about to be father. I just, you know, there's a mystery there.

You're a mystery man.

I'm a mystery man.

Expecting a baby, huh? See what I'm talking about?

No mystery. There's no mystery.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Great sneakers.

Oh, thank you.

Where'd you get them?

I got a guy.

Are they Nike's? You know what?

I'd rather not say. I understand.

So what are they? Tennis shoes?

Basketball? These are, ironically, they're lacrosse shoes.

You play lacrosse? I enjoy a game of lacrosse, yeah, but in fact, I got the

Nationals coming up, so I gotta... Whoa!

Hey, Paulie, I got some great news. You know that gym manager, Dante?

Mm -hmm. He's going for my proposal. Mm -hmm. He's going to set up a little

boutique in the lobby. You know that? He's going to sell Buckman's squirties.

Isn't that fantastic?

Okay, okay. What did I say about talking to me in here? What? What did you say?

I said don't do it.

Listen, just pretend we're strangers in here, okay? When I'm here, I don't want

to hear about the store. I don't want to hear about your deals.

In here, we're not related. We're just two guys in bad shape.

Okay. Pardon me for piercing your veil of anonymity. My girl will call your

girl. We'll do lunch.

Hey, Ira.

Hey, hey, hey, Dante. So we got a deal or what? Don't rush me. I just took my

enzymes, all right?

Hey, uh, who's that guy in the glasses?

Him? Oh, he's nobody.

Come on, is he famous or in show business or something?

No.

Come on.

Actually, Dante, yes. He makes films.

I knew it.

I'm going to go introduce myself.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't want to do that. You see, he craves his

anonymity. That's why he comes here, because nobody knows who he is. You

could give him a head shot?

No, no, no, no.

I wouldn't.

All right, all right. That's enough. Hey! Stop hogging the machine.

I got people waiting here.

There you go. So I'm all ready for you.

Thank you very much. And may I say, that is a very nice top you're wearing.

Grazie.

The gym was very good.

History man, worked on his lats.

Lats? Done lats and delts. Very pumped. Feel, feel, feel.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. I did high weights, low reps.

That's for a size, big size. And my abs, I'm going to get my abs cut. But

tomorrow I'm going to do abs, I'm going to do tris and bis.

I'm going to do lots of reps, but cuts at the size.

Do you need two syllable words at the gym?

No.

Isn't that that guy from the bookstore?

That's from Weatherby's? Yep.

I didn't know that he was... Hey, Virgil.

Mr. and Mrs. Buckman.

Hi. Hey, no, no, no.

Paul. Paul and Jamie.

Actually, I prefer formality.

All right, then.

So, uh, have you been working out?

Just, you know, trying to stay in shape.

How you doing, Virgil?

I am engaged in life.

Temporarily sidetracked on my journey, but optimistic about the future.

So, do you see anything you like?

Actually, I do, honey.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, you know what? I think I have, like, 17 cents left.

What am I going to do with 17 cents?

Suck all my cash into this pizza.

Would you like a pizza?

Pizza? Yeah, it's fresh, hot. Why don't you take it? No, I don't eat cheese.

I'm a vegan.

I don't eat any animal products.

It's a philosophical thing.

Well, because you could scrape off the pepperoni and the cheese and then maybe

suck the eggs out of the crust.

Okay, never mind. That's okay.

There must be something we can do for you. There really is not.

Hey, you know what? How about a book?

You can sell the book to somebody else. We've got great stuff. I've got Grisham,

Crichton. Actually, my customers are a little more discerning.

Which reminds me, I've been saving this for you.

Ask the dust.

Have you ever read this?

Oh, with all the dust and the questions. Yes.

This is so hard to find. Thank you so much. Don't mention it.

Good luck to you.

I have to give you something for this. Oh, no, no. It really isn't necessary.

You know what? I have this free pass to a gym. A free pass to a gym? Yeah.

You know what, though? That might be interesting.

You know what? It's not even as interesting as you think. Here, take it.

I don't want it. He doesn't want it. Please take it. He doesn't want it. Are

sure? I couldn't. Take it.

I'd like to. He'd like to, but he can't. Please.

Thank you.

It was very kind of you.

Listen, if you don't want to, you don't have to. No, no, no. Actually, I think I

might enjoy this.

Okay, good. Well, then there you go.

See you.

Mr. Buckman, maybe you and I can get together at the gym and work out.

When do you go?

When do I go to the gym?

Yeah, when do you go to the gym?

Different times, really. It's no real set pattern. Well, roughly.

Roughly, when do you go?

You know, it changes so much. Whenever the mood strikes me, I might not even be

going back because I pulled a muscle. I have a strain. I have a ripped muscle.

I don't even know. I'm sure we'll run into each other.

Okay. Good.

Okay.

Do you have a rip? It's possible.

Okay, what do we mean by the word discerning?

It means highbrow, selective. I know what the word means. Why did he choose

word with me?

Happens to be very well -read. Hey, I'm well -read. I can read Bite the Dust if

I wanted to. Ask the Dust. Ask the Dust.

Whatever. I just think he's... I find him a little super, you know, a little,

like, over... Like, he thinks he's so much smarter than me.

He's going through a hard time.

Fine. Just don't take it out on me, you know? I'm knocking myself out trying to

help the guy.

Why don't you just give him a little leeway?

I'll give him leeway. I just didn't want to give him the gym pass. But you

wouldn't let me use it. Why should it go to waste?

Because I told you, I go there to be alone.

You know, I don't need some guy sneaking up on me and mocking my reading

material. Mystery man's getting a little defensive.

Like hypersensitive man.

Let me tell you something.

Mystery man is not a superhero. He's just trying to lose a few pounds.

what's up? We got a deal or what?

Not quite.

Yeah, but in spirit.

Look, don't pressure me.

I don't like pressure.

Hey, no pressure.

I'm just making sure we're clear.

Hey, you know what? Maybe we can put some shelves up over there. Put a sign

over there. Hey, get off the bench!

Hey, look.

I gotta do my pecs now, alright? We'll talk about this later. Yeah, yeah, I'm

just making sure we're clear. I feel like if you say one more word to me, I'm

gonna snap.

Okay?

Hey,

Paulie, this close, huh?

This close.

I know.

What's up?

You know that gym pass that you gave to Jamie?

The gym pass, yeah.

She gave it to a homeless guy.

What? She gave it to this homeless guy, Virgil. Paulie, how could you let her do

that? What do you mean, how could I let her? She's not a marionette. She does

things.

If Dante finds out that that pass came from me, my whole deal is going to be

blown. Maybe not, maybe not. Maybe not. Look, he kicks people out of this joint

for combing their hair wrong. Now you got a homeless guy coming in? You're

killing me.

No, I was giving this tender pat.

Oh.

You're going to have to wait here.

Hey, I ain't exactly thrilled about it either. You know, this is supposed to be

my oasis. My little fortress of solitude.

Oh, please, don't start that mystery man crap again.

I'm saying, as if Virgil comes in here and he starts saying hello to me. That's

it. Then I got my secret identity.

Blown. We're not talking about my future here, okay?

We're not talking about some stupid fantasy man. Look, I'll buy you a cape.

can run around Port Authority.

They already got a guy.

Oh.

Hey, you're going to have to leave now.

Excuse me, but I believe I have a right to be here.

Excuse me nothing. Get the hell out now.

Then you'll find that everything is in order.

Who gave you this?

Who gave him this?

Whoever gave this man this pass?

I will kill!

Excusez.

See, this book says it's not unusual to have excessive flatulence. For me, not

for you.

Just trying to help you out.

To share.

From the love.

James, why do you hate me?

What? No, seriously.

What did I ever do to you that you have so much hatred in your bosom for me?

What are you talking about?

The free pass that I gave you. You gave it to a homeless guy. All right. First

of all, Paul wouldn't let me use it.

Oh, that's great.

And second of all, have a little respect.

Don't just call him a homeless guy.

Is he a guy?

Yes. Is he homeless?

Yes. Homeless guy!

To be a little more sensitive. James, what the hell were you thinking? This is

an exclusive health club. When they say exclusive, who do you think that they're

trying to keep out?

What, do you have stock in the place?

Well, I happen to be working on a little deal there, yes. So before you lose any

money, you're willing to have this guy thrown out in the street?

Yes.

What do you think about this?

Oh, I'm so happy not to be in this conversation.

Yeah, well... I think it's, you know, it's one of those situations where truly

there are no winners.

Wow. Could you be more wishy -washy?

So where's this guy hang out?

Why? Because to get the pass back.

What are you going to say?

Why? Because you'll say something or he'll say something. I won't say

You will. You'll say something bad. Nobody will say anything.

Somebody's going to have to say something. Paul, would you just tell me

hangs out?

You swear to God you won't offend him? I swear. Just tell me where he hangs out.

Library.

Virgil, hi.

Boy, you guys have your own little area here. That's terrific.

In what sense?

You know, all I meant was that you have all these great books here and the

window and everything. It's just... Uh -huh.

Hey, believe me. Listen, I understand, you know, very much, well, a little bit

anyway, what you're going through. You know, I do.

Myself, when I was in school, and I had literally no money when I was in school.

And for a while, I had to work at Tom McCann's some weekends.

So, you know, I used to work at Tom McCann's. No matter how much homework I

there I was. I was putting away, you know.

Would you excuse me?

Excuse me, please.

We're sharing.

Virgil, I have a proposition for you.

A proposition?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not a proposition.

No, that's not at all. More of a... Think of it like a proposal.

Well, fine, fine. A proposal.

Nothing insulting. Do you mind?

Go ahead.

So, Virgil, you know that... You know that free 10 -day gym pass that his wife

gave you? Yeah, you should see my pecs after just one day.

Really? Did you get size? You get cuts? Size and cut, yeah.

Listen, Virgil, we would like to pass back.

No, no, no.

It's not that we want the pass back. You know what? We would like to replace the

pass with another gift.

A gift? Yeah, yeah. We want to bribe you. No, no, no.

We'd like to replace the gift with the gift of a sum of money.

I see.

Listen, as I said, I wanted to give you money at the time. As I said, I didn't

have any.

Well, Mr. Buckman, as I said at the time, I wouldn't have accepted it.

I would.

So why do you want the pass back anyway? Because. No.

What?

Because, truthfully, that was my wife's idea, the pass. I didn't think that was

a proper gift for you. Oh, I disagree.

There's showers there and it's warm.

Actually, I think it's quite an inspired gift.

Yeah, but Virgil, see, the deal is we don't want to have homeless people in

health club. Hey, what's the matter with you?

Sorry, it's not that at all. What kind of language is that? I apologize.

We would just... Hey, hey, hey.

Guys, I don't blame you.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, if I were someone like you, I wouldn't want someone like me messing up

my club.

So you understand, right? Of course he understands.

Of course I understand.

And Ira, thank you very much for your straightforwardness.

Wow. Okay, you know, I was going to be straightforward, too, and I thought

if I come around the other side, but... Okay. Good for you. Good for you. So

great. So you're going to give us back the pass?

Absolutely not.

Hey, Virgil.

What? How's business?

Frankly, the big chains are killing me.

Listen, I have your money for those books.

No, no, no, it's on the house.

Please, I insist.

Okay, but for tax purposes only.

Have you filled the fresh air?

Actually, I'm just out for a little exercise.

Well, how come you don't go to the gym that you gave me the pass to? My husband

doesn't want me to. It's his private oasis.

So he doesn't want you there either?

What do you mean, either?

Did he say something to you? No, not really.

Did he ask you not to go to that gym?

Well, not in so many words.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Buckman, please.

Really, it's no big deal. It's okay.

No, no, really, it's not worth it. Don't worry about it.

Can I help you?

No, thank you.

you think you're doing? What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going

to keep my voice down. How could you do that to that man?

You happy?

You're killing mystery man.

How could you look that man in the face? Hey, keep it down.

Respect is privacy.

Do you know who this man is?

He's my husband.

Is that true?

Hey. Yes.

Mr. Buckman.

Virgil. I don't want there to be any trouble. Trouble? I'll give you trouble.

Your pass is no good.

It's void, you understand?

You're void. You understand? All right, all right, all right, come on. Now, is

there a problem here?

I'm sorry to bother you with this, sir, but somehow this bum got a pass to my

gym. Okay, first of all, he's not a bum, okay? And second of all, I gave him the

pass.

You gave it to him?

Yeah, I did. I hope that's not a problem.

I had no idea he was an acquaintance of yours. Oh, yeah. Well, okay, now you do.

So, uh, is there anything you want to say to my friend, Virgil?

Welcome to the inferno.

Thank you.

Okay, there you go.

And, oh, by the way, I understand you're...

Some hemming and hawing going on, trying to close a deal with my good friend

Ira. Is that true at all? Oh, no, no, no.

No trouble at all. In fact, the paperwork's in my office. Come on, Ira,

dilly -dallying. Let's go.

Listen, Virgil, I, you know... You want to stay and work out?

No, actually, I've left my business on the tent.

But, uh... Nice being asked.

You two go ahead.

See ya.

Good for you.

Not in front of everybody, am I?

My

wife,

ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, mystery man.

Strange visitor from another planet.

We're not sure which one.

Who came to Earth with powers far beyond those of mortal men.

And especially the ability to be completely mysterious.

Who is he?

We don't know.

What's he doing here? We don't know.

What does he want from us?

We have no idea.

What is his name?

Nobody knows.

Paul?

Come in, sweetie.