Original subtitles

Tell me why I love you like I do. Tell me who can start my heart

as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm mad about you, baby.

It's a very natural fear. It is? Yes, it's a terrifying proposition having sex

with a pregnant woman.

Lower your voice, please.

There's nothing dirty about having sex with a pregnant woman.

Okay, nonetheless.

Seems to me you're going to have to get comfortable saying having sex with a

pregnant woman if you want any hope of actually having sex. I love a parade.

The point is this.

James is very fragile to you right now.

I know. But you know what? It's only since she started showing.

Because I got to tell you, in the beginning, her pregnancy was really, it

actually very erotic.

Now you realize there's a little baby in there. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to

hurt anything. You don't want to do any damage. I don't want any trouble.

That's right. You know, you don't know. You may poke him in the eye or

something. What have I got to bother him?

I know. I know exactly how you feel.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, sure.

You've had sex with a pregnant woman?

Yes. Oh.

You remember Susan?

Susan with the hair? That's right.

She was pregnant?

With child, yes.

And the father, I'm correct in assuming, was somebody who was not so much you?

Yes.

Oh, look.

Gee. What?

Give that woman a break.

Is there no one else? Could you not find someone a little bit less busy? Listen

to me, it was actually quite wonderful.

I mean, at first I felt just like you. I was terrified to touch her, afraid I

might hurt her somehow, you know, or hurt the baby. But then I got over it.

How?

I woke up one morning and I had a need.

So you just put your desires ahead of any danger that it might have caused her

or the child.

No, no. I'm telling you, it's like a horse.

It's not like a horse. Yes. If God didn't mean for you to sleep with women

they were pregnant, he wouldn't make them look so good doing it.

Who teaches you how to think like that? I'm telling you, desire will get the

better of you. I don't think so. I don't think so, my friend.

My next sexual experience will be...

In July, and you know what? That is fine with me. Well, if you won't do it for

yourself, at least do it for her.

What does that mean?

Well, you don't think she has needs, too?

Not now.

No, she's gestating. Come on.

Believe me, Jamie is not interested in that now. Not true, my friend who knows

all about women. He's not?

I promise you.

So what do you think? So you're saying now, I have to have sex with a pregnant

woman.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Good.

Just had the best dream.

Yeah? Tell me. Tell me what the dream was and I'll tell you what it means.

We had sex.

That could be anything.

Seriously. You know how dreams about other stuff like hot dogs and donuts are

often about sex? So too dreams about sex are often about other things like hot

dogs and donuts.

Or, could be you just want to have sex.

Don't you?

Yeah, yes.

You know, it's been a while.

Yes, it has.

Almost since I started showing.

Not really.

So?

So.

Okay.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Why are you doing a Jack Balance push -up?

Well, no, I'm not. Really?

What's wrong?

I just, I don't want to break anything.

What? I don't want to break anything in there. I don't want to break the baby's

house or the area around his house, his yard.

I don't want to break the baby's yard or his landlord. I don't want to hurt his

landlord.

I just want a baby to have a nice, peaceful tenancy.

You know, and then when he's done, we'll just turn the place over.

You're not going to break anything.

How do you know? Because I know. I asked. I read. The fact is, having sex

actually good for me.

Really? Yes. It allays anxiety, it fights cramping, it builds muscle tone,

it's aerobic.

When done properly, sure.

Well, see, you have nothing to fear from the pregnant woman's body.

All right.

Sold. What?

I have to throw up.

I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, please, don't be silly.

It just comes on you, morning sickness. It just attacks.

out of nowhere.

Please, don't have to apologize.

My God, let's take care of you, not me.

I'm fine.

I'm good.

It's not exactly the response you look for. You know, kiss a girl and she

literally vomits, but, you know, that's all.

I'm so sorry.

Not at all.

50, 60 years, I won't even remember this. Okay, okay.

So where is this restaurant?

Algiers? I don't know. Your mother picked it up. Please promise me no four

goodbyes with your parents after lunch.

Thomas. I want to make it upstate while it's still light so we can see the snow.

Do you think there's still snow on the ground? Yes, they had two inches

yesterday. Yeah, but did it stick? What if it didn't stick? It stuck.

Yeah, because if it didn't stick, then what? Then we're driving upstate to see,

what, cold cows.

I want us to have some time alone together.

Hey, me too. It would just be nice if there was a little ground cut.

Do you understand? I'm getting increasingly pregnant.

I understand that, yes. Well, we don't have a lot of time left for just the two

of us to be together pretty soon. We're going to be into the meat of the

pregnancy. That's not a word you need to use there.

And then six months from now, that's it. Our lives will no longer be our own. I

understand. Ah, there it is. Right there. That's it. $6 .50.

Y 'all set?

Mm -hmm.

What?

You're really very pretty.

Thank you.

I have to throw up.

What are they, late?

We're going to miss the snow now.

See? They don't care.

Isn't this place a little funky for your parents?

Hey, my parents still have some funk.

Ma? Hello.

Hey, hey, hi.

Hello. Hi, hi.

How is everybody?

Oh, fine.

Oh, just great. How are you?

We're good. We're fine.

Good, good. How are you and Leon?

Leon? The baby.

Apparently we're naming the baby Leon.

All right, so that's settled.

Leon's fine. Leon's mommy, however, is a little queasy.

Oh, isn't that funny? You know that I never had so much as a dry heave when I

was pregnant with Paulie.

Bon appetit, everybody.

Wish I could say that.

I just refuse to allow myself to be nauseated.

You could do that?

She can do anything.

Okay, before I forget, here are the keys.

Murray gets a bowl of dry in the morning and then lots of water all day long.

Yeah, lots of water.

What's going on here?

What?

It's like a hygiene movie gone out of control.

You know that new doctor I went to, that Dr. Gribbets that I started seeing at

Mount Sinai? Yes. Well, a preventative measure to keep my bones strong.

He put me on a little bit of estrogen therapy.

Saul Gribbets is a very good doctor.

Saul Gribbets is a genius.

It has a very interesting side effect, this estrogen.

It makes your father... I mean, we're... Well, I don't know how we can say it

delicately, but we're... We're back in the saddle!

Nicely put, Datto. Let me just say, it has been incredible!

A little louder, because I can't hear you in the kitchen.

Listen. We have been cutting a sexual swab through the New York metropolitan

area.

A sexual swab, you say?

Two words.

Bronx Zoo.

Okay, two more words. Please don't.

And the best part is, my bones? Never stronger.

See? Everybody wins.

Let me tell you something else. It's making me eat like a horse.

What are you having? I'm having the salmon.

Oh, my God.

What? He's having the fish.

Honey, it's a fish restaurant.

Uh -huh. Oh, my God.

You didn't see the big fish with the funny hat over the door?

I think I'll have the sea bass. Yeah, I might actually have the trout.

Okay, you know what, guys?

Do you think carp is a particularly fishy fish?

She's not the strongest girl.

While she's at it, I'm going to the room of men.

Order me the halibut.

He's got a great ass, doesn't he?

Pretty much everyone on Earth is having great sex except

us. Honey, the minute you stop throwing up... I know.

How you doing there?

You change lanes one more time, I'll kill you. All right. I don't care if

there's a deer in the road.

Gotcha.

Snow's pretty, though, huh? It's great.

You know, it was time when any discussion of my parents and sex would

me screaming from that restaurant.

I'm starving.

Hmm? I'm starving.

Because you're nauseous.

Starving and nauseous.

You're starving and nauseous. Okay, all right. So we'll pull off somewhere.

We'll get you a nice big ball of nothing.

Look, a barn.

I mean, do you realize what happened back there?

My parents are having a graphic discussion about their sex life. I

perfectly calm.

A huge leap of maturity on my part, is all. I'm very proud of you. You did very

well. That's all I'm looking for.

I have to throw up.

Well, now I'm only starving.

All right. Let's get you something to eat.

Life is great.

Isn't it great?

Yeah. Hey, get me. I'm Eddie Albert.

I see pitchforks, I see birdhouses, I see shaving mugs, I see no food at all.

Not true. Come here.

How about some nice, delicious bait?

Wow.

Have you learned nothing today?

Sorry. How about some nice fudge?

I'm sorry? How about some nice fudge? I have some nice chocolate fudge here.

I was thinking about something a little more substantial.

There's a pizza hut at exit 70.

No, I... How about some nice fudge? That would be great.

Want some fudge?

I can't believe they don't have cable here.

Really good.

Look, honey, more snow.

Making me feel a little weird, though.

I can't believe we're approaching the millennium and I'm dealing with rabbit

ears.

Not bad weird. Good weird.

Sort of like horny weird.

Alright, I think I got it. The only thing is, the only problem is I can't

from this position.

There goes channel two.

Let's make love.

Don't you have to vomit? No.

God, fudge. Who knew?

You're actually literally excited by a dessert item.

Uh -huh.

Wow. What?

I don't know. I just... I like to think of myself as not a totally incompetent

lover. You know, places a premium on foreplay, and I just hate to know that

could get the same thing from a Snickers.

Not Snickers.

Fudge. Okay, when I say Snickers... Listen to me.

I'm not nauseous. I'm not starving.

I don't know how long this window will be open. Let's go.

All right. I just, you know, I just don't like knowing that, you know, using

fudge as a sexual aid.

All right, sir.

Bigger.

A little bit bigger.

Bigger.

We are, to quote a great American, back in the sand dunes.

Are we out of fudge already?

Uh -huh.

It served us well.

You know, they have this thing up here where you can go, you can watch a

reenactment of the Battle of Saratoga.

Mm -hmm.

They also have a thing where you can...

They have a loom. You can work the loom. It's an actual loom in James Fenimore

Cooper's house.

They also have a thing where you can blow off the whole area, drive to the

store, and then scurry off to the nearest bed.

We have a winner.

How's it going in there, Mrs. Gruber?

Let's wrap that puppy up.

Monkeys. It is good to be home.

Sorry.

Hi, Marie.

Hi, Marie.

This picture's all crooked.

No, it's not.

You know what I'm going to do to you?

Tell me. Oh, very, very slowly.

I am going to... Hey, hey, hey, hey!

find fascinating?

Though barely one hour ago, I saw my parents naked, naked in my bed.

Still, my sexual appetite undiminished.

Okay. Want to talk about maturity?

Most people don't live long enough to be this mature.

You, come here.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

What's the matter?

I don't have the feeling.

What feeling?

That feeling.

That good feeling.

That fudgy feeling.

Why not?

I don't know.

What, did we get a bad batch?

We did rush her.

I told you, we should have let it cool.

It's the same fudge.

All right, all right, all right. Don't panic. Don't panic. You know what? Come

with me.

What are we doing?

There's something in the fudge that works, right? So maybe we have something

here that has the same thing in it. Like what? I don't know, but let's see what

we got. I ain't giving up without a fight.

Honey, you know what? Snack wells.

Here we go. Snack wells. You like snack? You think snack wells will work?

That has never been my experience.

Okay.

Malamar. Malamar is the fatty ancestors of snack wells.

Honey, I don't think so. Try one. Just try one. I've been eating Malamar since

was four. Never so much as a twinge.

Okay, I feel something.

Sweetie, it's over. Let it go. No, it's not over. Come on, it can't be over.

That picture is crooked.

Huh? You know what it is? You know what it is? I know exactly what it is. I will

tell you what it is. You and I, we don't need fudge to be sexually fulfilled.

That fudge, it's a placenta, is what it is.

It's a what? Not a placenta. What is it?

A placenta.

When you take a pill, you think it's doing something, but it's really not.

a placebo.

A gazebo? A gazebo?

Placebo? Placebo. It's a placebo. Thank you. That's what it is. That fudge, it's

just a placebo. Watch.

Honey? See? We love each other. We want each other.

Sweetie? We can't keep our hands off each other, is the God's honest truth.

Through everything. Through vomiting and parents in our bed and pregnancy.

You and I, that's the beauty of us.

Paul, Paul. What?

I just feel a little bloated and achy. Okay, watch this.

Thanks. See?

Ow, ow. What's wrong? My back.

All right, sorry.

Honey, you know what? You know... Oh, hey.

Say no more. Is that okay? It's self -understood. Okay. Sure. Thanks.

We can try again tomorrow.

Mm -hmm.

James, I understand.

It's a very natural fear.