Original subtitles

Sweetie, could you please get that away from me?

Because of the nausea? I'm sorry.

Okay.

How's it over here, all right?

No.

Okay.

Better here?

No good.

Stand in here.

I just, I really can't.

Over here?

No.

I'll see you later.

They say nobody's perfect, but that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan.

All I have is you, so darling, help me understand.

What we do, you can whisper in my ear. Where we go, who knows what happens

after here.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm about to burn, yeah.

Oh, relax.

You're stealing.

That is stealing.

You have to taste this.

Oh, look at this. It's like shopping with Thelma and Louise now.

Oh, I got the tang.

Just please tell me, how do your parents subsist on this stuff?

Instant coffee, instant soup.

Swiss mess.

Remember when Mom used to make this for us?

So the word just add water they find very appealing.

They're going to be here for two days. Let's feed them what they like.

Listen, whatever they don't eat, we can just put in the bomb shelter.

This is how we ate it when Mom wasn't around.

Oh, don't be a food snob. I'm not a snob. I just don't like to eat like an

astronaut.

You know, if you need me, I'll be by the bottom of the water.

something for you and poppy to take to the jet game really do they make a

powdered beer candy corn he likes candy corn grown man he likes candy corn hey

what tickets did you end up getting for your mom bring in a noise bring in the

funk i'm sorry the noise the funk that's right the noise the funk yeah

right i think maybe in your case it might be the noise the funk title of the

show is the noise the funk yeah all right well you know what let's just

There's noise and there's funk, and at some point during the evening, it's

brought in.

I don't know if it's just late or I'm getting older, but I'm actually looking

forward to seeing my parents. I am, too.

Not that late.

What, I can't enjoy your parents?

You know, your father and I, we're actually up to three things we can talk

about. We've got sports, politics, and recently we added the stock market.

Of course, after that, there's a lull that makes you want to put your head

through a wall.

They are so excited about their trip.

Why will they not tell us where they're going? I don't know. They want to keep

it a surprise for some reason.

Huh.

You know what would be a real surprise?

Like Yemen.

I bet they're going to go to the south of France. My mother's always wanted to

go. France is good.

Don't we get to take a big romantic trip like that? So where would we go? Where

would you want to go?

I don't know.

Kentucky?

Kentucky. That to you is the payoff of life?

Maybe. Puerto Rico.

Oh, man. How do you get out of bed in the morning?

I didn't do anything. This was possible.

They're going to be here any minute. I know, I know. I'm almost done. Okay,

here's my father, Lake George, 1953.

A perfect reason why you don't wear sandals with socks.

Ow! Ow!

Mother jumper.

Mother jump.

I'm trying to give up swearing. For the baby? Yes, for the baby.

You think the baby doesn't know what you mean when you say mother jumper?

I thought all this was going to be out of here by today. It is, it is. I just

need a little more time. How much? Just a couple, like, six months.

I was hoping this could be the baby's space.

No, no, this is perfect for all my storage. Can't we put the baby somewhere

else? Where were you thinking, under the sink?

Yeah, you know, just till it's three.

Can you at least put it into piles?

Yeah, look, perfect, nice piles.

Ow! Far crying out loud.

For the babies. Yes, for the baby. Coming!

All right, all right, tell me again with your mother, because I blew it last

night. When she says something is bad, that means it's good. No, no, no, good

bad. Good is bad. Good is bad, like is loathe, love is hate. When are you going

to get this? I got it, I got it.

So what is actually good? Nobody knows.

Are you thirsty at all? Oh, am I?

So you are.

What'd she just say? No, okay. All right. Hold it.

That's Poppy.

Hi. How's my girl?

Look at that beautiful little face.

It's the same little face as when she was 11 years old. Am I right, Teresa?

It's the same.

How you doing?

Fine, fine, fine.

Nice to see you. Take your cup? Yeah, who needs it? If you didn't buy any

chance, buy some instant coffee.

Yes, I did.

We'll be right back.

So, Gus, how you doing? Can't complain.

Can't complain. You? Good, good. That work going well? Worked very well. Uh

-huh.

Who do you like in the Super Bowl?

Super Bowl?

Either Pittsburgh or... Who's the ones with the big... Green Bay. Green Bay,

yeah.

Stock market's doing well? Stock market, hey.

Who'd you vote for? I don't want to tell you. All right.

So, uh... So, uh... So tell us about this big trip you're taking. Where are

going? I guess the south of France.

Guess again.

I got it. Greek Isles. Guess again.

I don't know. African safari?

Guess again.

Wow. An RV?

Come on in and tell me how you like it. It's really nice.

It's really, really nice. This little puppy is going to take us all over the

United States.

We're going to stop at every campsite between here and Saskatchewan.

Saskatchewan? Yeah. Really? It gets dark at 11 in the morning.

And how long is that going to take you? Oh, two glorious months.

We're very excited.

Well, would you like a tour?

Sure. Yeah.

This is the kitchen. This is the living room, the bedroom, the dining room, and

the den.

Yeah.

Should we all adjourn to the dining room? Yeah, sure. Let's do that. There's

table there behind you.

Take it easy with the table.

What do we need over there? All right. The table goes in here.

Paul, put the pole in the hole and pull.

Hold it.

Don't strip the threads now.

Don't break it, Teresa. Don't break it.

I'm only trying to help you.

Turn it.

I'm sitting.

I'm sitting too.

Don't worry about that.

I'll get that with the sponge later.

Dinner?

Uh -oh.

Such a tight little squeeze. Oh, it's fine.

It's fine.

Oh. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

You know, it's just a blessing about this broiler. The fact that it only fits

one steak at a time. That way the meal stays hot from beginning to end.

And the mashed potatoes? Oh, they're under the table.

Oh, I got them.

If anybody wants some rolls, I have them warming here under the map light.

Teresa, darling, sit down and enjoy your meal. Mom, sit down.

Yes, yes, here we go.

The carrots.

Mom, I don't think there's going to be room. That's what you think. Now watch

this. Show them, Teresa.

All right.

Paul, you take the butter and the sour cream and you put it up there on the

shelf above your head.

Darling, you take the wine bottle and squeeze it down there by the fire

extinguisher. All right. Now everybody put their coleslaw bowls in their laps.

And if anybody wants some salt and pepper, you're in the sink.

Oh, I hate to do this to you.

Oh, what, darling? You want some ketchup?

No.

Believe it or not, I actually have to get up and use the... Are you kidding

Sorry.

All right, I'm sure I can climb out.

No, wait, wait, wait, darling. I think I might have a better idea.

All right, everybody, slide your mashed potatoes over to the side of your plate.

Now, put your glasses in the place where the mashed potatoes were on your

plates. Now, hold your plates above your head.

I'll study all of this. Now, Gus, you lift up the table, and Paul, you crawl

under the table.

Who's going to hold the plate over my head if I have to crawl under the table?

will. I will. You know what, everybody? It's okay. It's okay. False alarm.

False alarm.

Are you sure? Yeah, it's okay, really. I don't have to get up.

Well, I'm sorry, Paul.

I apologize. I think a person ought to be able to get up and go to the bathroom

like a person. It's okay, really. It's not a problem. In the army, we were

taught to hold it.

Well, this is peace time.

But it builds character holding it in. It doesn't build character. It builds an

obstruction in your urinary tract.

No, it doesn't. The boy has to pee.

That's okay. I really don't.

I really don't. Yes, you do. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. He really

really does. The boy stays here. Then the boy pees in his pants.

No, he doesn't. You have to pee in your pants in this godforsaken box.

That's ridiculous.

That's it. We should all be wearing diapers.

We don't need diapers in this unit. It's state of the art. It's a nightmare.

This is a nightmare!

Who wants the first jello?

Oh, that was weird. No, it was not weird. That was just horrible.

It wasn't horrible. To erase that from my memory, I would gladly give up a

finger or something.

I would lose the pinky of my left hand to have never witnessed that.

Thank you. I get it.

What, you're saying that's no big deal? It was no big deal.

Excuse me, that explosion of anger, that was nothing? Who knows my parents

better, me or you?

Okay, you.

Okay, and I'm telling you that...

Twice a year for two seconds they have an argument. It passes and that's it.

right, look, maybe. All right, so good. You know your parents.

I'm leaving your father.

Listen, Mom, you're going right back downstairs.

Come on. I'm not going right back downstairs. I told you, your father and

done. You're not done. You don't end a 37 -year marriage because of a vacation.

This trip was just the final straw. This has been brewing ever since the

electric can opener incident.

The electric can opener incident was in 1971.

Hi. Fine.

Paul, do you know of a good hotel in this neighborhood?

You know, I don't recall.

You slept in my house for 18 years.

All right, all right, all right. Oh, my God, all right. You can stay here

tonight, but first thing tomorrow, you got to go down here. You know what I'm

going to do?

I'm going to take a long, hot bath in a real bathroom.

Okay, see, I still haven't peed.

What am I going to do?

I don't know. I don't know.

There's nothing much you can do. You know, she's left your father. She hasn't

left my father. Okay, maybe. I'm just... Going off of her sentence, I've left

your father.

Your mildew is in such interesting patterns.

Oh, if it's bad, so she's saying it's good. I get it. No, I get it now.

So you're going to the game tomorrow.

We're still going to go to the game? You're going to the game. You talk to

I will talk to her afterwards. We'll bring them both back here. They'll sit

and they'll discuss it. Ten minutes, it'll be solved.

You think that's going to actually work?

They're acting like children. We'll treat them like children.

Good. So our parents are our children. Our children will be our children.

Which makes me my own grandfather.

You think the Jets are going to win one game?

No, it ain't going to be this one.

Did you see what that guy Perot said?

Oh, yeah. I read that.

Nutcase. Oh, Perot.

Oh.

But IBM, huh?

Oh, IBM? Yeah. Wow.

You know, Gus, I'm sure you don't want to talk about this, but

last night, the whole thing, I mean, I just, no pressure, but if you want to

talk about it, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about that.

You're a nice kid.

Throw the ball.

Tequila, straight up.

Club soda, please.

Club soda? Have a drink, you freak.

I don't want a drink.

Well, I do. I'm nervous.

I mean, look, my whole identity is based on Mom and Dad being trapped in a

loveless marriage. If they break up and find happiness, well, what happens to

me? They're not trapped in a loveless marriage, and they're not breaking up.

R2, R2.

She's been in there a long time.

Yeah, probably weeping uncontrollably.

You're so right.

Well, it was lovely talking to you. Look, here's my daughter's number.

where I'm staying temporarily.

And look, you call me and we'll hit that spinning class.

Mom, you are really weirding me out. Well, get over it.

Hello? Mom?

You're embarrassing us. Look, this has gone far enough. As soon as this play is

over, we are marching back home. You are going to sit down and talk to Poppy and

work this thing out, and I don't want to hear another word about it.

No, I'm not, and you can't make me.

I

don't

want to overstep any bounds as a son -in -law here. I just...

I just want to... Don't you think that after all... I mean, don't you think

before you go on this trip without your wife, that it's worth at least trying to

sit down and talk to her one more time?

I don't think so.

Bumbo!

Come on, T -Pain.

Let's go. You've got all the years in there.

Look, you're a nice kid, sweet kid. You're a lovely kid.

But you don't have all the answers. How many years are you married?

Five years.

Oh, five years.

37 years.

Imagine for 37 years trying to translate everything your wife is saying.

Why? Because she talks in a code.

Well, I can't crack that code. All I know is she's always unhappy.

And it's always my fault.

So now I want to take this nice little trip around the country. And if she

to go, she can go.

If she doesn't want to go...

Want to go by myself?

That's all there is.

That's it.

Come on, tackle somebody.

Is he with you?

No.

They're in the RV. They're saying goodbye.

Wow.

I know.

What are they doing? You don't split up after 37 years. What is that?

Well, maybe you do if you're really unhappy.

They're happy.

Okay.

They were happy? I'm sure they were. No, no, honestly, they were. They were like

us. It's like they were meant to be.

I understand.

So what? So suddenly now not so much meant to be as totally wrong for one

another? I don't know.

People change. You know, things change.

Wow.

You base your life on a few simple principles.

Gravity. The earth revolves around the sun. Your parents should be together.

You know what, baby?

I think the two of them have been together so long. That's what I'm going

What? I'm going to tell them.

Tell them what?

About the baby. Come downstairs with me.

I didn't say baby. I was calling you baby. I didn't say baby.

You're not going to split up if they know I'm carrying their grandchild. That

would be in horrible taste.

First of all, we're not telling people yet.

These aren't people. These are my parents.

Okay, whatever. Two, is that... Do you really want that to be the reason they

stayed together?

If that's what it takes, they're making a mistake.

Maybe they are.

So? Am I supposed to let that happen?

No, you know, you tell them how you feel, but you've done that. You know, I

mean, anything more than that, I just don't think it's our place. Just indulge

me, please.

Okay. Thank you.

Your father just left.

Oh, my God.

Kyle?

It's okay.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

We said goodbye, and it was nice.

And we said we'll talk again in a couple of months, and we'll see.

You know what I think you need?

A nice cup of Swiss Miss.

Okay. And if luck would have it, we have some in the house. Yes.

You know, that's why I think that someday the two of you are going to make

terrific parents.

And I think I'll make an even greater grandmother than I am a mother.

I can't wait.

Mom?

The toms go to the overhead compartment.

No, no, not that one. The one next to the sun porch.

Yeah, now step up on the spare battery.

No, those are the flares.

Yes, they are.

Yes, they are.

Yeah. Okay, now the toms are next to the deviled ham.