All language subtitles for Mad About You s05e05 Burts Building

No, Pop, it's not going to disconnect
the call. It's a hold button. It holds

call. Hence the name.

No, the switch hooks disconnect the
call.

The switch hooks.

No, the two things in the middle.

All right, good. So you found the switch
hooks. You're going to be late for Dr.

Joan again.

Explain to me how a man forgets how to
use a telephone.

You're going to start out late, so
you're going to shoot late, so you're

to be late for Dr.

Joan again. I just think he's losing it.
My father is, like, officially losing

it now. Just so I understand, you don't
give a rat's ass about being late for

Dr. Joan again.

I do. You know I do. You were late for
the weighing and measuring. All right.

You were late for the pap smear.

Yes, but come on, not really so much for
spectators, though.

Your child is growing up, and you're
missing it. Sweetie, he's growing. He's

growing up.

Are you going to be like the father in
Cats in the Cradle?

Is that the Harry Chapin song? Yes.

Just tell me, are you? No.

You can only hear your baby's heartbeat
for the first time for the first time.

That, I'm almost sure, is true.

Look, I've done everything I could do. I
got the latest appointment in the day.

Just promise you won't be late. I will
not be late. Ira and I, we're going to

pick up my pop.

We're going to take him out to the old
building. We're going to shoot him for a

little while, get a couple of decent
takes out of him. Come on, how long can

that take? Six, eight hundred years max?

Just make sure you get it by five o
'clock.

Man, there's so many great memories in
that building. We used to have this

doorway, and every couple of months, my
father would measure our heights with a

little pocket knife.

Five o 'clock.

Five o 'clock.

Hello. There he is, Pop of Mine. All
right, here's what we're going to do,

I and I will collect you at 10 .30, and
then we'll go... Oop, you're beeping.

You're beeping. You've got a call
waiting.

So press the switch hooks.

The switch hooks.

The switch hooks. The two... Come on,
you like the switch hooks.

The switch...

Okay, but don't hold it down, because if
you hold it down, then you'll... Oh.

Is he here yet?

Not yet. Is there anything else you can
do?

Well, I've seen all my patients,
finished all my correspondence,

files. I'm thinking of taking up
painting.

I'm sorry. I'm going to kill him.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Did I
miss it? I hope I didn't miss it.

You're late.

You're half an hour late. Hi, Paul. Hi.
Did I miss it? You didn't miss it.

Okay, good.

A little baby's heartbeat.

I am late, though. I know.

I didn't miss it. Forget about me. What
about Joan?

This is so unfair to her. It's okay. No,
it's not. I'm really sorry. It's really

okay. All right, then forget about Joan.
Go back to thinking about me. I begged

you to be on time. I am so sorry. I'm
really sorry. But I have a great excuse.

really do.

Really? What?

Do you have a minute? At this point,
yes.

Okay. All right. Because you were not
going to believe the day I had.

Ira and I, we go to pick up my father,
right? We get into the cab.

Right away, it starts.

345 -45 Pelham Parkway, please.

435 -45.

What? Our old buildings, 435 -45 Pelham
Parkway.

It wasn't 435 -45.

It was 345 -45.

435 -45 was the bakery.

No, no, no, no.

545 -45 was the bakery. 345 -45 was
Kelton's Ice Cream.

435 -45 was the old milk. 545 -45 was
Teledoro.

545 -54 was Stella D 'Oro. It was?

Then where was Tito's? There was no
Tito's. Tito's came later, after White

Castle closed. Really? Yeah. Are we
going now?

Yeah, but what you want to do is take
the East River Drive to Willis Avenue

Bridge.

The FDR Drive.

What? It's the FDR Drive, not the East
River Drive. It hasn't been called the

East River Drive for a long time now.
Since when?

Since roughly FDR.

Should have taken the subway this way.
Hey, you do not want to take the subway

down to this neighborhood anymore,
believe me. Relax, but it's Pelham

It's not the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

It was 635 -45.

What? What was 635 -45?

The post office.

No, no. The post office was 735 -45.

Oh, my God. Somebody give me a gun.

435 -45.

An annoying cab ride? This is why you're
late?

There's more. We really expected more
from you. Let me finish.

We gotta let him finish. This is okay
with you?

At this point, yes. You were saying?

Okay, so we get there, and I'm looking
at these buildings, and I swear to God,

they all look exactly the same. And
Akiba, the new cameraman who already I

hate... This is the one who calls you
Hitchcock? Yeah.

So he says, Hitchcock is chosen.

Not sure, Akiva. Okay, just give me a
second. I'm telling you, it's that one

with a wrought iron railing. I know,
Pop, but this has wrought iron railing,

too. So does this one. Yeah, show me a
building that doesn't have wrought iron

railing. All right, all right, but our
building has a stoop. Again, Pop, they

all have stoops. Are you telling me I
don't know the building I lived in? I'm

not telling you. I'm just asking you.
What do you know? You were seven years

old. No, but I think I know where I
lived. Where? I don't know. I'm not

Hitchcock maybe wants us to knock on
every door in the neighborhood?

Hitchcock, we just like a minute to
think, okay? Akiva, thank you.

And I want to just clock this guy, but
you can't get him mad at you because A,

he's the cameraman and you need him, and
two, because he could field strip an

Uzi.

And then it hits me.

This is it. What, this one? Right here.
That's what I said.

You said with the wrought iron rail. So?

So. Can I tell a story like a person?
I'm trying to do color. You know,

an arc. There's a structure. All right,
all right, but I don't get it. This is

how she is when we go to the movies. So
far, I don't see anything. You're going

to see. You're going to see. Go on.

Okay.

So we go down the hallway, and I realize
we've got another problem.

They moved the walls.

They didn't move the walls. Then what
did they do? They didn't do anything. We

took the stairs instead of the elevator.

Then it's this way.

No, it's this way. No, no, it's this
way. The first door on your left. If you

came up the elevator, it would be the
first door on your left. But we came up

the stairs, so it's the first door on
your left. This way.

Your left or my left?

Well, it's the same way.

What's the apartment number?

4D. No, it's not. It's 4E. 4E? Yeah.

4D. D as in David.

Okay, it's...

E. For E. It's for E as in Edward.

Who names an apartment Edward?

I think Papa's right.

Maybe it's for C. No. D. No, it's for E.
It's E. It's E. E as in everybody just

calm down.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Is somebody there?

Hi, yes.

My name is Paul Buckman. I used to live
in your apartment.

Is this about the olives?

The what?

You left a can of olives.

No, no, not about the elves.

Because I ate them. They're not here
anymore.

It's okay.

We're not here about the elves.

Which one of you was talking?

Hi, that was me. I'm Paul Buckman, and
this is my father, Bert Buckman, my

cousin Ira, and these are friends of
mine. How you doing? Oh.

I'm Ossofsky. Nice to meet you, Mr.
Ossofsky. Just Ossofsky.

Not Mr. Osofsky, just Osofsky, all
right? I don't like mister.

I don't like master.

Or sir.

If I lived in Spain, I would equally
dislike senor.

I don't like monikers as a general rule.
They alienate. Yeah, yeah, there's no

need for them here.

None. None.

Okay, no more. Thank you. No mister, all
right?

Um,

what, uh, Osofsky?

What, um...

What we're doing, we're making a film
about my family and their experience in

America. The film is called Buckman. Ah,
that's nice. That's a good idea.

Buckman. Well, thank you. No, mister.

No, sir. No.

No. That is a good idea. Yeah, thank
you. I would go to a film like that.

Well, I would certainly hope that you
would.

I find myself disappointed with many
films, but that one I think would be

good. Well, thank you very much. Maybe
you can help us out. I'll do my best.

What we would like to do is we would
like to come in and just film, with your

permission, of course, a very brief
walking tour of your apartment.

Just a minute. Sure.

Sit!

Sit!

Sit!

Please come in.

Thanks a lot.

Watch it.

And watch your feet. You'll scuff.

Don't scuff. I don't scuff.

And they were never heard from again.

I'm sorry. It's a little bit of a mess
in there. I know where everything is.

That's fine. Not a problem.

I'll keep you in the entryway, and then
we'll pull back. We'll find my dad in

the doorway talking.

So, Dad, I need you to... Where'd he go?
Dad?

Hey, Pop?

Hey, Pop?

Where'd he go?

You lost him?

Lost my father. You lost your father?

Lost my father. He lost his father.

Shall I stop? No, no, no, no, no, no,
no.

Oh,

this is great. This is just great. What?

My mother's gonna show me I lose my
father. Just relax, please.

Relax? My father's out there. He's
wandering around somewhere. So what?

wander back. No, just the mind. The mind
is the first thing that goes. Like what

happened with Marty Lembeck's father?

What? You didn't hear? He went out to
get a haircut, and then two weeks later,

they found him selling pocket combs at
Grand Central.

Well, look, all right, look. We got a
white male on foot, maximum speed, eight

miles an hour, right? Times 15 minutes.
We do a six -block hard target search.

We check every bathhouse, henhouse,
boathouse, and outhouse.

It's the fugitive. I understand. Are you
done?

Yeah. You go that way. I'm going this
way.

What are you doing? I don't think we
should split up. Why not?

Because they do that in the movies. Ten
minutes later, somebody winds up with an

axe in their head.

Are you scared?

Hey, hey, look, I have no idea where I
am. It's going to get dark. It's cold. I

think those are legitimate grounds for
fear.

It's not the woods, you know. There's
lights. You have a coat.

Still. Meanwhile, while we're debating
this now, my father could be whatever.

I don't know. What are you thinking? I
don't even want to think about it.

Anyway, Paul, realistically, you think
he's dead?

What are you talking about? Do you
actually think this man is dead?

Shut up. No, of course not. Of course
not.

You know what I think? I think he
probably just took a stroll.

You know what?

That's probably all that happened. He
took a little stroll. A little stroll. A

little stroll. Took a little stroll down
the block. A little stroll.

Yeah. On one of those dark abandoned
blocks where they can't hear you scream.

All right, what is the matter with you?
I'm a little scared.

Go that way!

Bert! Erwin! How are you? Hey, Paulie.

Uh, my wife needs tampons.

I wonder how the back of Chester feels.

What size?

King. No, the tampons. I don't know.
What size you got? Get regular. Trust

Dad, can I have some candy? No. Gum? No,
no, no. No sweets. You spoil your

appetite for dinner.

Just one piece.

What did I say?

From later?

Uh...

It's the five -pack of Zucca gum. A,
it's a really good deal, and two, it'll

last a long time. You don't need any
more gum. You got chicklets upstairs.

Already spent a fortune on the dentist.

He got his mother's teeth.

Dad, please.

Hey, what did I tell you?

Why not?

You know why not?

Because I'm your father.

Okay?

Okay, come on. We should go home. Your
mother's making pot roast. You like pot

roast. Eh, not too much.

Not too much.

Hi.

Hey. Excuse me. Yeah.

Did, uh, an older guy, sturdy fella,
gray hair, happen to walk in here?

Yeah. No.

You're the first white person to walk in
today.

You sure?

Positive. Could he have come in here
maybe and you didn't notice it?

I would have noticed.

Why are you looking for this guy? My
father. He was why he wandered off

Your father? Yeah.

You lost your father?

Yeah.

I'm not proud of it.

He'll turn up.

Yeah, you think so? Yeah.

You want something?

I don't know. I just noticed he still
carried these five packs of bazooka.

Boy, I don't even know they made those
anymore.

Yeah, very popular. You know, retro.

In 1964, I came in here with my father,
and he had his back turned, and I

actually swiped one of these. I just
shoplifted it right there.

Boy. You sound like a real prize.

You know what?

I don't want to pay you back for that.

It's gum.

I know, but you know what?

I'd like to pay you for it.

Let's see. You got a five -pack bazooka,
1964, five cents, 30 years, $4 ,000.

Oh, there you are. I thought I lost you,
too. Any luck?

No. I don't like this, Paulie. All
right, all right. You know what? Let's

Thank you very much.

Hey, did my dad show up?

Sadly, no.

There's your phone.

I'm going to call my mother. Maybe he
went home.

This is my favorite video.

Hey, Mom, hi. It's me.

Everything's fine.

Listen, just curious.

Did Dad call?

No, yeah, he's with me. He said he was
going to call you, so I just wanted to

make sure he did.

Yeah, he's right here.

All right, put him on.

Okay, hold on a second.

Hey, Pop.

Yes?

It's, uh, it's Mom for you.

Yes?

What, you can't talk to him now?

I'm busy. Yeah, he can't talk to you
now. He's busy. I'm busy.

She heard you. Okay.

He can't, because he's doing, he's
rehearsing. Because he, yeah, yeah,

know what? I got to, uh, call it.

Okay, I got to go. I got to go. Okay,
bye.

What's the matter with you? Where is he?
So where is he now? It's getting dark

out.

Hey, what happened to the park?

What park?

The park. Carmen Medillo Park.

Don't tell me they paved over it. That's
on the south side of the building.

What do you mean south side? You know,
you come out of the elevator, you hang a

left.

It's the south side.

Why, look who's here.

Have you been sitting here the whole
time? Here?

Oh, you mean here, in our old apartment?

Okay.

Let me just say, this is little Paul.

Well, this is him, not so little.

Paul, maybe you don't remember me.

Artie Zeitlin.

We moved into this apartment when you
moved out.

You used to live downstairs.

He's got some good memory, this kid of
yours, huh? I don't know about certain

things. Hey, listen, this is a reunion.
I'm going to get my camera, okay?

Sure.

Okay, Pop, let me just say, you were
absolutely right, and I was absolutely

wrong, and I'm sorry. I apologize.

You think I lost my mind, snapped, gone
completely whack -a -ding -hoi?

No, I don't think that. I don't think
that you've snapped.

Wait a minute.

Maybe you're right.

What?

Who are you? Okay.

You're not Paul, my son.

Well, you're not the Cocker Spaniel.
Yeah, okay. Rusty!

Rusty! You made your point, Pop.

Don't you think I know which one is the
hold button and which one is the switch

hooks? I know. I thought you did. I knew
that. I was just done talking to you,

that's all.

Which I know now. I understand.

How is the damn camera? Oh, come here.
Look at this. Look at this.

Remember the growth door?

Oh, my God.

Sure. Look at this.

So now between third grade and fourth
grade, I actually shrunk.

I think after, what, the fourth grade, I
stopped measuring.

How come?

Oh, I don't know. I got busy, and you're
always running someplace.

It's hard to measure a person when
they're running.

Here, come on, come on, here.

Stand there. What are you doing? No, no,
just stand there.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a measurement.

Dad, put that away. You're hacking up
somebody else's wall now.

Put the key away. Just behave yourself,
all right? Come on, baby.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let me tell you something.

I appreciate everything you do for me.

Believe me, it hasn't gone unnoticed.

How you take care of me, how you keep me
out of trouble.

Let me remind you of one fact that'll be
true forever, no matter how stupid I

get.

I'm still your father.

Let me stand against the wall.

There.

Boy, you had quite a spurt.

Only between 10 and 39, I really shot
up.

Yeah.

Look.

Look how much I missed.

That's okay.

No, it isn't.

Every inch counts.

When you have your kid, you're going to
be a much better measure.

What do you mean? What kid are you
talking about?

I don't know.

Aren't you going to have a kid? Don't
you think? Oh, someday. Yeah, yeah.

And I can tell you this. Your mother's
counting on it.

No, I know that. You know what? I just
realized I got to be...

If I leave now, can you get yourself
home okay?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Are we still in Romania?

By the way,

the cabs, they're yellow. They have the
lights on. Get out!

That was good.

Huh?

I have to admit it. I hate to admit it.
That was very good.

So will you forgive me? Oh, I do. Me
too.

And I apologize to you, little person,
even though you weren't going anywhere.

What is this?

What?

Oh, my God.

I did it again.

You stole this? Should I call the
police?

It's twice in one lifetime.

Oh. You know what? You know what the
thing is? I'm just, I'm no damn good.

I don't even know they need this
anymore.

Am I allowed to have this? I'm not your
dentist.

Cool. All right, so are we ready to do
this? Yes, please. Yes, yes, yes.

All right, lie back. Put this over your
pants.

You ever heard a baby's heartbeat
before?

Never. That's pretty wonderful.

Why am I nervous?

Me too.

Nothing to worry about.

Here you go.

There are you, little rascal.

Honey, talk to the baby.

Hey, little baby, come on.

Let's hear that heartbeat.

Don't be shy.

Hey, you have to do this. You know why?

Because I'm your father.

Oh, that's a Milky Way bar I had before.

Soup.

Something I had in high school. Couldn't
tell you.

Ah, Louis Haparizio rounding third.