Original subtitles

All right, little baby, listen to me.

The game is played on a diamond with four bases 90 feet apart.

Now, the object is to hit the ball and run around all the bases more times than

your opponent who's pitching you the ball.

Now, when you hit the ball, you run the first.

Now, if the fielders don't catch the ball before it hits the ground, then

you do is... I'll tell you the rest tomorrow.

Okay, the baby loves James Taylor, loves Bonnie Raitt, not so sure about

Sinatra. Which Sinatra did you play?

This one.

Live at the Sands?

Yeah.

You play this for the baby?

Yeah, so?

You don't play Sinatra at the Sands for a fetus. Everybody knows that.

Why?

Because it's live at the Sands. It's loud and brassy.

Plus, Las Vegas, you know, it's smoky, it's gambling, baby doesn't need that.

I'll tell you what was a big hit.

The soundtrack to Guys and Dolls. Really?

See? Her daddy loves show tunes. I thought she ought to know.

Well, thank you.

Did you play him your Hungarian chants?

Bulgarian. Whatever.

Yes. And?

Loved it.

Really? Yes.

How do you know?

Because. I'm the mommy. I can tell.

Bulgarian chants and Sinatra. I want the baby to know who we are.

How much do you think a baby could know?

A lot.

Everything.

What is this baby? It's a combination of you and me. Everything we are,

everything we've been through, right in there.

Is that true?

I believe it is.

Yeah. Hey, you think that's true, little baby?

Is that true?

What do you know?

Honey, that tickles.

Honey.

How much do you know?

Honey.

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

Honey, could you take this?

I'm sorry, did you just call me honey?

No.

Honey, I'm home!

I noticed.

How do you like being married, huh?

Isn't it great?

Ow! Oh, you're married? Yeah.

Almost three years. We thought we were gonna, but we're not. But, you know, it

doesn't mean we won't. We will, just not tonight.

Makes sense.

Really? What's she like?

My wife.

Jamie Buckman is Jamie Buckman, all right?

Sounds perfect.

Actually, no.

Are you guys fighting? We're not fighting. Trust me, you are.

This is just how we live.

Nobody's right and nobody's wrong.

Listen to me.

No.

A little bit more right, but that's it.

Are they going to trust me? You lied.

Yeah, but if you're not going to trust me, what's the sense in lying?

Because it's wrong. How is this wrong? We're adults.

I know. All right. What do you want to do? Do you want to yell at me? You want

to kill me? You want to divorce me? What? Keep going. What the hell is the

matter with you? What?

I think we've been going at this half -assed. What does that mean?

It means I think we should be going at it whole -assed.

Amazing scream.

I won!

I won! I won! Paul, of course, thought it was him.

Oh, God.

In five seconds, we were done, and I was able to stretch.

Well, she's got good points, too.

There's my beautiful bride.

Yeah, fight me.

She gets so excited about things. You know, she's genuinely surprised when we

don't win the lottery.

You know, she calls me on stuff when I'm making myself crazy.

Your job is to stop me from doing something idiotic. Idiotic? I can do

myself. Going to a wedding without pants?

You bet. Let him see who the best man really is.

How about some clams? Would you want more fun than

this? All right, one more.

Get the Larry plate, the Moe plate, the Curly plate, and as our gift to you, the

Chip Salad Bowl.

No. Jamie's sitting there, she looks, you know, cute, like always.

What? The light hit her face in a funny way, and I never noticed it. She looks

like, she reminds me of the guy in The Silence of the Lambs.

How did this happen? I used to be out there all the time.

I frizzed my hair, I wore hats, I slept with artists.

Don't vomit in front of me. You know what happens if you vomit in front of

Ow, ow!

You letting your hair grow out? No.

It's like harder or something.

I would like to punch you so hard. Pardon me.

I'll give you one million dollars to sleep with your mom.

Great. Let me ask you something. What happened? Oh,

I think I heard something.

What?

What? What?

What? What? What?

What? Oh, my God.

What? What?

Wow. Oh, God. Wow.

Wow. What?

Wow.

Wow.

Wow?

You're going to say wow? You don't get to say wow. You're not entitled to a wow

on this one.

Did you just kiss me?

No.

I love you. This is what I'm trying to say.

Am I stupid?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't get it. I don't get it. What?

How? How?

No reason.

All right. I got an idea. I got an idea. Here's an idea. I got an idea. This was

a big mistake.

You're so pathetic.

I was going to say. I'm shocked.

I'm stunned.

flummoxed. You talk your way, I'll talk right. I talk right.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I see.

Told you, I think I just get some bacon. I don't know, but I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

Baby, I'm the greatest

Okay,

but can you pee standing up

I

Have a dream

I have a dream, and it involves the two of us in a beautiful house.

Nothing big, you know, nice yard, maybe three -quarters of an acre. A house. A

house with us and our things and little usses, you know, small usses.

Maybe three. You always want the three, right? Maybe.

You know, maybe not three, because the middle kid is always screwed up.

What is the matter?

You're a strange, amazing man.

Okay, so I lied.

I wish that cabana boy would rub some lotion on my back.

I'm not doing Pedro.

Who is it?

Si, senor, esta Pedro.

Should we start trying?

Now? From now on?

Maybe. Really?

Are you sure? No, I'm not sure. But we're going to start trying. Yeah. Oh,

God. What? I'm the mommy.

You know what? This is too much pressure.

Seriously, I'm the mommy. I know. Listen, believe me.

I know it's not fair. It's so not fair. You know, if I could have the kid...

Don't even start. You'd have one cramp and kill yourself.

Shut up.

We don't stare, sweetheart.

Trust

me,

it gets so much worse than this.

What? What's the matter?

Hit me again!

Oh, my God!

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Yes.

Yes. What are you doing? Just, uh, chanting.

What were you chanting?

Oh, Oklahoma.

Music and passion are always the fashion at the Copa.

My sleepwalkers.

Your cheating heart will tell on you.

See,

I don't even think the baby can hear us.

Who? What?

I think the baby just moved.

Make the baby move again.

I can't. Why not?

Why not? I don't have control over it. Hey, baby, listen to me. Hey, can you

hear us?

Hey, knock, knock.

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

Sweetie, may I see you in the kitchen, please?

What? What is it now? I just have to leave the window open for the dog.

Is this a bad time?

It won't take a minute. Is this a bad time? Is this a bad time? I don't know.

depends on what you want.

I hope this isn't a bad time. I wanted you to be the first to know in person.

Is this a bad time? No.

Hey, guess who's home?

Hey. Okay, I'm here. Show me the changes.

You I like.

All I could think about was coming home to see you.

That is so sweet.

Surprise. There he is. Surprise.

There he is.

Surprise.

I want you.

And guess what? Careful.

Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm late.

Oh, bye.

I'm worried.

I'm worried about race.

Too much, too much.

The peach is very intrusive. It will dominate the drink.

The flesh of the peach, folks, is amazing.

It's like Hitler.

Sweetie, will you be back by six?

All right, because you've got the thing tonight.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Chocolate pudding?

Ow! My tooth.

I think I've got a cavity.

Why don't you eat more cookies?

I'm a cookie.

I smell turkey.

Noodles and tomato sauce.

Cheese on top.

All right, shall we?

Egypt makes beer?

Twinkie filling.

Eggs and battery.

Hey, do we still have bananas, or did you finish them?

Yeah. Yes, what? Yes, you finished them, or yes, we have no bananas?

Hi. You guys want the usual?

Sure, why not?

And that would be what?

You got some very impressive credits there, seriously.

Is this all true?

A lot of it's true.

Some bread?

Oh, no, thanks.

Did you know that in ten ounces of meat, two ounces are blood?

That's so funny. I work at a bank.

What are you doing? I was just sitting. Where? Right here. Where? At your table.

Where at my table? In the chair.

What chair? This chair. Whose chair?

Your chair.

We have a little order here.

You're blocking readers. Yes, we're blocking readers.

You're on TV. I'm on TV.

People never think I'm funny, but I can be funny too, you know. I suppose it's

true that people have a certain image of you.

What kind of image?

What do they have?

Who knows? You know, I suppose, you know, not that you were responsible for

breaking up the... Okay.

Everything you do is just right.

That's what I think. Thank you.

You know, I'm so full I could puke.

Shut up. I'll stand back.

This is going to be very spectacular.

Something seems to be amiss. Something is wrong.

The ball has stopped at three.

Oh, sure.

The one year I decide to stay home.

Oops.

Remember what men think when girls give in on the first date?

Yippee. You do these things without thinking.

That's how I live.

I just close my eyes and I leave. Yeah, well, I'm running all over town with a

net. Who's a net?

You're the king. Here I go. Wow.

That Lisa, she's so sweet.

Yeah, I guess she is. You two are so different.

I'm turning off the lights in the kitchen.

You know, this is the first time that you and I have been alone together, I

mean, without Paul around.

My God, can't you skip a night?

You want me to change the way I talk? Okay, I'll change the way I talk!

I'll take care of the kitchen.

See, this is why we turned out this way. This is what I'm saying. This is what

I'm saying. I'm saying. We're all saying the same thing.

What?

What's wrong with you? Hey, hey, hey.

What is the...

What is the matter with you?

We hold them together, a little circle of friends. That's our job.

Hey, Mom. How you doing? I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. You doing good? I'm

I'm good. Yeah, good, good, good. How did we get that job? Because we're the

least crazy.

Yeah, but by a little, by so little.

Where's the broad?

Hey, I love you.

She's so... And he's so...

I was picking up Fran, and Fran's picking up Mark.

You guys having fun?

Good. How's it going?

I feel good. Feel my ass. I wear these.

I think I spilled some paint on one of your shirts.

Oh, don't worry about it. It's Mark's.

What do you do?

Have fun.

You know what it's like to just have fun?

Why would you tell him that? You know all these...

riddled with anxiety. You just don't go tell him something like that.

Listen, you don't think the pants are a little too short?

No matter when I die, it's gonna piss me off.

You think the world is gonna be a poorer place because you have not produced an

heir? In my opinion, that is no reason to have kids. It's just pure ego.

A child, Wally, should be the product of the natural, organic love between two

committed people.

Now, please, can we watch the porno channel?

Dad!

Wow. You guys ever have a marriage that just fell to crap?

Yeah.

Hey, one more time.

Honey, it's a baby, not a dog.

What if you put a piece of kibble on your belly? There's a good idea.

Because kibble usually works.

Come on, baby. Hey.

Mary, roll over.

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is no.

Murray! Yeah?

Murray's a dog!

Murray's a dog!

You know what I like about you, Murray?

You listen. You, you pay attention.

Honey, you're squabbling.

Sweetie, I don't want to.

Go put your clothes on.

He's a dog.

Yeah, well, he can't keep using that as an excuse. His last bowel movement.

Monday. Monday. Oh, can you believe this?

Saturday. I would like to loosely cup your dog's testicles.

This is what I'm saying to you.

No.

I told you not to go in there.

I'm, uh, I'm thinking soup, but they only have fish.

We're here to discuss future, Master Pat.

Well, what was the point of the whole thing? We had fun, didn't we?

You got a beautiful wife?

Yeah. You love her?

Sure. Does she love you?

Yeah. You got more than three pairs of pants?

Yeah. There you go.

Where? To the future.

I'll mine the past and you giddy up to the future.

You want to know how beautiful this baby would be?

You know they say every baby chooses its parents?

Mm -hmm.

Why do you think this baby chose us?

I don't know.

I mean, out of everyone on the whole planet, this baby said, I want them.

In apartment 11D.

Well, it's a very interesting question. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

What's the difference?

Get fired.