Original subtitles

Previously on Mad About You.

Tell me why I love you like I do.

Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you.

Take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm mad about you, baby.

Get out of here.

You get out of here.

Oh, get out of here.

You get out of here.

Come here.

Get out of here.

My God, so what are you saying? Wait a second. What are you telling me? You're

pregnant? So there's like an actual little you and me combination right in

there?

Oh, my God. This is, you know, this is just so... Poetic.

Yeah, but it's so, you know... It's magical.

Yeah, no, it definitely is. What am I thinking? It's like the way it all

Sublime.

What?

It's... This is good.

Who is it?

Oh, man, what is he doing here now? I don't know, but you know what? This is

perfect. So Ira will be the first person we get to tell. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait. We're just telling people that's what we're doing?

Yeah, why wouldn't we?

I don't know.

Come on, they're going to figure it out eventually. We'll show up one day, we've

got a seven -year -old, they're going to know.

Let's just keep it between us for now.

Hey, you guys, open up.

Wait, wait, why?

Why? A million reasons. First of all, we don't know anything for sure. As of

now, the only real news is that I've successfully peed on a stick.

What? We don't even have confirmation from a gynecologist. Mark is in Europe.

He'll be back?

In three months. We should probably find out before then.

All right.

I can't believe you want to tell. You're the superstitious one. You know,

telling is bad luck.

Is that true? Yes, you don't tell this early.

How many times have you done this?

You're supposed to wait three months in, four months in. There's a reason for

that. You know, things can happen. Things can go wrong. You're supposed to

Open the stand door.

All right, listen, you know, it's your stick.

It's your urine.

Come on, all right. Hey,

by the way, nice going.

You too.

All right, that's it. Stay. I think I'm bleeding.

My God. Let me get you a band -aid.

What happened to you?

I'm walking down the street, minding my own business. Some lady yells out, hey,

Jose.

I don't know why, but I turn around.

You're not Jose.

Exactly. But she's swinging at me, swinging at me. I'm covering myself up.

saying, I'm not Jose. I am not Jose.

Do I look like Jose?

I don't understand, because you're not Jose.

I know, but she thinks that I'm Jose, Paulie. She's hitting me and grabbing

and she's cursing at me in Spanish.

Is it possible that I am Jose?

You're not Jose.

And what the hell took you two so long to answer the door? Oh, sorry.

We were just... Debating.

Debating? More like discussing.

Discussing, debating.

Debating, discussing, speculating.

Speculating. Speculating on what? Whatever. Who remembers even now?

What's going on?

Nothing. Oh, Paulie, come on. I know something's going on. All right. Nothing

going on? Nothing is going on.

Something is going on.

All right. Something is going on. Nothing is going on. Nothing is going

All right. We're going to tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anybody.

What are you doing? I thought you said nothing is going on. He knows something

is going on.

Oh, something is going on.

The truth is... And this is really something.

We have to find a new gynecologist.

How about that?

Mark and Fran are in Europe, and so we're... Is everything okay? Yes, yes,

everything's fine.

Everything's great. It's just a little... It's a personal matter.

Personal matter?

It's a personal, private, delicate matter. It's a woman thing.

Say no more.

I've been going through the yellow pages of Friends recommendations, that

article in New York Magazine on the best doctors in New York. Hey, hey, hey.

What about Joan?

Joan who what? Debbie's Joan? Yeah, yeah. She's a gynecologist.

Yeah. So?

Yeah, but she'll... No, right? I don't think so. What? Yeah, well, it's just

weird. Yeah, I mean, Joan is... She's my sister's girlfriend. She's, you know,

she's family. You don't... You don't want to go to family for something like

this. You know, if we're a foot or, God forbid, a shoulder, fine.

You know, then you can go see a friend or an uncle or whatever. Or something

like this. Yeah, something like this. To me, anything that involves the removing

of the underwear, you know, you don't want to mess around.

And plus, Jamie is going to have the best. Of course.

You know what I mean? You don't have to have the best house or the best car or

the best, you know, piece of chicken. Hey, you don't want a bad piece of

chicken? Certainly not.

But you understand what I'm saying. You want the best. Exactly.

I understand. In fact, I can help you.

What, because you have a good gynecologist?

No, no, but I can help find you one.

I will find you the best gynecologist in New York City. Oh, you know what? You

don't have to do that. Come on. It'll be a pleasure. Billy, you don't have to do

that. Please, allow me to do this for you.

There's no reason really that you should be... Hello?

Jose,

it's for you.

Okay, this is for Thursday. We've got Dr.

Keffler at 10, then I'll meet you at Dr. Kalsa at 1, and at 3, Dr. No.

Dr. No? Are you going to use Sean Connery's gynecologist?

N -O -H. He's Korean.

Just making a joke. Don't be offended.

We might have to go with one of these guys if we can't get in to see Dr.

Vonderfall. Dr.

Vonderfall.

Got to make fun of every name or what? No, but come on. Dr.

Vonderfall? He's asking for it.

He's the guy.

I was telling you about who's the best. New York Magazine did a whole profile

just on him. He was on Nightline.

Anthony Edwards' character in ER is based on this guy. Is that true? Yes.

That's so cool.

Well, hey, listen. Van Der Fal is the guy, and he's the best. And Van Der Fal

the Van. Van Der Fal. Dr. Van Der Fal?

Hey, Dad.

Hi.

Hi. Yeah. Van Der Fal. You're going to see Dr. Van Der Fal? Is it Van Der Fal,

Doctor, or is it Van Der Fal?

Because either way, it's quite wonderful.

It's nothing. It's just a little... It's a woman thing.

I should think so. And Mark's out of town, so we're just going to see him.

don't you go see Joan?

I'll get you an appointment.

No, that's okay. We don't want to bother you. Oh, no bother. I'll call her right

after lunch. You shouldn't go out of your way, because Mark will be...

it done.

So...

Only 96 hours, 15 minutes and 12 seconds until Mom and Dad finally meet, Joan.

Relax. I'm sure the big news was that you have a girlfriend.

Now you're just, you know, giving them a face to attach to all the sleepless

nights spent crying.

Thank you.

See how nice I am when you come out of the closet.

What does she mean by that? Anyway, for the big Joan meeting, I still can't

decide. Dinner or lunch?

Lunch.

Yes? Lunch.

Definitely. Daylight.

Okay. Because I have it down to two restaurants.

Tavern on the Green. Nope. No?

A restaurant, a neutral location, uh -uh.

Neutral location, uh -uh. Neutral locations will eat you alive.

This is interesting.

You need the home field advantage, your own backyard.

Yes, because then she can't ambush me in my own living room. She can, but it's a

little bit more difficult.

Okay. Listen to her. She's very clever about this. Yes, yes. This is exactly

what I'm going to do. I'm going to have a nice, sit -down lunch. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no. No, no, no.

Buffet. Buffet. Buffet, buffet, buffet.

It mollifies her. It gives her the illusion of control.

This is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to go cancel the reservation.

And while I'm doing it, I'm going to call Dr.

Joan. Oh, no, no, no. Before you do that, you know what?

Okay, now she's going to call Joan.

I knew we weren't going to get out of it.

Very nice advice you were giving her.

Won't do her any good.

Why is that?

She's bringing a nice young woman home to your mother.

Ha! She's dead.

You don't seem so much broken up about it. No, no, no. I'm very sad.

What's wrong with you? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but since the day I joined your family, I've been at the bottom of

your mother's totem pole. I'm looking forward to moving up a notch. Don't get

wrong. It's terrible for Joan.

I feel really bad.

Yes, it's official. You're pregnant.

Hey. Hey.

I'm telling you, those sticks are going to put me out of business.

Four weeks, you were right, just like you said.

Good HCG levels.

Everything seems normal.

Congratulations.

Okay, well, thank you. So you told Debbie you had a little, uh...

Woman thing. Very good. And it's because you're not ready to tell the family

yet? Exactly. I understand. I always advise my patients to lie to those

to them.

Just because you never know. So I'm going to write you a prescription for

prenatal vitamins, and you should make an appointment to see me in about two

weeks. Okay? Okay.

You're lying right now, aren't you?

No, we're not.

We are actually a little bit.

Sure. I mean, you're interviewing a whole bunch of OBGYNs, and the only

I'm among them is because Debbie foisted me on you. No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not it.

Kind of. It's a little bit. You're probably going to see Dr. Wonderful. No,

no, no, no.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I think.

Okay, here. Take your vitamins, get plenty of rest, and work on the line.

And if you choose to come back, call the office. If not, I'll see you at the

luncheon.

Take care. Thank you. You too.

We'll call you. No, you won't.

Nobody need for coffee or something.

Oh, that's great. I mean, really, really great. Yeah.

Listen, let me ask you something.

Yeah?

Who's your gynecologist?

What? I mean, we're getting closer. We've become very intimate. I want to

everything there is to know about you.

Where'd you go to school?

Where you from?

Who's your gynecologist?

Liar.

Who is?

It's Debbie and Joan.

All right.

You have a fish knife.

Why do you say it like that? You have a fish knife. I know you don't buy to me.

I gave it to you. Just admit it. Unless you sold it, you have one. She's very

nervous about the lunch. Oh, then by all means, let's give her a sharp knife.

I'm not nervous about the lunch.

I'm serving trout, which is a huge gamble. You know, delicious, yes, but

bones than, than, than, than what, what, what, what has a lot of bones?

Skeleton, big skeleton.

Okay, okay, here we go. Everybody take it easy. It's all going to be fine.

Thank you.

Do you need anything else? No.

No.

No. What about the casserole dish? Casserole dish.

Here,

here, here you go. Here you go. Here you go.

Okay.

Anything else?

No.

No.

No. What about the garlic press? Garlic press. Here you go.

Here you go. Here you go. All right.

Anything else? Anything else?

A wick. A wick. Wait.

What about a gallon of wine?

You know, they're not heavy drinkers. It's for me now.

She's nervous about the lunch. I'm not nervous about the lunch. All right, I'm

nervous. I don't know why I'm nervous.

Mom's going to meet Joan. Well, maybe that's why.

All right, you guys, what should we drink to?

To your family. My family.

Dysfunctional, judgmental, intolerant, oppressive, petty and small.

Yes, but we get everything when they die.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey. Oh, my God.

What? Antibiotics. I put her on antibiotics for the, um... It's a woman

Cute.

What? Oh, hello. No, you're the doctor. You're giving them little antibiotics.

You're taking care of my brother's wife. It's cute. I like it. It makes me

happy. Okay, but you know what, Deb, actually? What? We're actually...

they're still looking around.

What do you mean you're looking around? You've got the best doctor in the city

right here. No, no, I know that. We're not looking around. We're just exploring

our office. Oh, well, so long as you're not looking around.

Deb. Yeah, this is hugely insulting.

Debbie. It is not insulting. I'm sorry, but it is. You're saying that you don't

trust my judgment in people and that you don't think Joan is a good enough

doctor. That's not what they're saying. That's exactly what they're saying. Can

I have the knife, please?

I have to go to the bathroom.

She's nervous about the lunch.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

Pick up on one and leave the other behind.

It's not often easy and not often kind. Did you ever have to make up your mind?

Did you ever have to finally decide? Look at this place. It's like a museum.

Okay, can I say one thing? Picasso.

It's a woman giving birth to her own face.

This is the fanciest room I've ever been in in my entire life.

Okay, see, now I want to be a woman.

All right, sit down, sit down. He's going to come in in a minute. Sit down.

sitting, I'm sitting.

What's wrong with your hair?

What? It looks weird. It's not. It's pointy. Leave it alone. Why is it

Leave it alone. Go like this.

Go like this.

Pat it down on the back. I am.

Pat it.

Hello. You must be Paul and Jamie.

You must be Dr. Vonderfall.

Is it Vonderfall or Vonderful? Because I got to tell you, either way, it's quite

what?

Yeah, two of the glazed.

Glazed.

And anything else?

Yeah, yeah, one of the twists.

And anything else?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, uh, who's your gynecologist?

Who is it?

It's Bert and Sylvia.

Bert and Sylvia Burtman, your parents.

She knows.

Hi. Why are you screaming? We're not that old.

Wow, have you changed this place since I was here?

Got a new sofa, new lamp, new club chair. Where is she?

Hi, everyone.

My Lord, you are a strapping young woman.

Hello. Hi, I'm Joan.

I'm Debbie's mother, Sylvia Buckman.

And I'm Bert, Bert Buckman, Sylvia's husband and also Debbie's father.

Can you imagine?

Here, let me take your coat, Mrs. Bachman.

Sylvia, please.

Sylvia. Thank you. And Mr. Bachman. You want my coat? I do.

Hey, how about this?

You know, I'll miss the bottom of the totem pole.

Really? No, not really.

What the hell was that?

Don't be, she's delightful.

I don't want to go in.

Are you going to come in or are you going to explore your options?

We brought cake.

Put it over there.

Listen, what's the matter? It's nothing. It's not nothing, it's something.

Okay, do we have to discuss this right now?

No, we don't have to discuss this now. Let's eat.

Good, I'm starving.

Me too.

Look at those beautiful dishes.

Where did you get that?

Rhinebeck, the crafts fair. Oh, I love it there. We go there, remember, Bert?

No.

Is this that soy cheese?

Yes. Bert, this is that soy cheese.

Great.

I heard about this.

Where did you get it? Oh, a little place uptown. I stopped in right after Jamie

said they were looking for a new gynecologist, and it wouldn't be Joan.

Well, it's nothing. It's nothing. What is this, aspic? Uh -huh. Yeah, I got

right after Paul said Joan wouldn't do that they needed to shop around.

Sylvia, you can understand.

Understand what?

My position is very... No, no, no. I do not understand.

Joan is your sister -in -law, essentially.

Really? Not only that, but if I may, she's a lesbian. She knows about these

things, right?

Yes, thank you.

You know what? I never even thought of that.

See?

You got some kind of problem with Joan?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, you would expect a little more open

-mindedness from the liberals.

Sylvia, let me just say one thing. What? Now she's a member of a militia group?

Only if New York Magazine says it's the best militia group with the nicest bombs

and the most fashionable uniforms.

Okay, look.

Paul and Jamie are choosing a doctor, which is a very personal, private

It's a decision which could affect the rest of their lives, and that is why no

one, even with the best of intentions, should ever dare to put any pressure on

them. My best professional advice is everybody back off.

You know what?

She's right.

Really? You know, she's quite the orator.

She certainly is.

Bottom of the totem pole.

Let me ask you something.

Someone's going to have to marry a bank -robbing, puppy -kicking serial killer

before I stand any chance of getting in good with your mother.

Just hang in there. Listen, the minute my mother finds out that you are

her genetic material, you're going to fly right to the top of her totem pole.

Or not.

Vonderfall's office, congratulations.

Dr. Vonderfall will be able to take you on as a patient.

Please call to arrange an appointment.

Huh.

Can I tell you what I'm thinking?

Joan? Joan.

Yeah, I mean, she's... She's nice. She's really nice. She's competent. She's

competent. She's smart. She's competent. She's kind. Really kind. Very kind.

Like she wouldn't hurt a fly kind of kind. I can see why your sister loves

So, Joan. Joan. Yeah. All right.

There it is.

Hey, we got you a doctor.

That's our very first parental decision.

Look at that.

Um, little person?

Your mother and I have decided to go with Joan.

Okay, that's the second time that happened now.

There's some sort of, like, freakish thing going on there. I'm a little

uncomfortable.

I'll tell you this.

It is not information that women part with easily.

What?

The best gynecologist in New York is apparently this guy, Dr.

Vanderfall. Oh, yeah, we know. Yeah, no, we decided we're going to go with Joan.

Thanks, though.

Hello, Debbie.

Yeah, this is your mother. Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that your father and

I thought that Joan was wonderful.

Strapping. Yes. Tell her strapping.

Yeah, she was wonderful and she was charming. Tell her strapping. She's

strapping. Thank you already.

But you're not saying.

Oh, that's what you said.

Oh, hello, Debbie.

Yeah, Joan is charming and wonderful and strapping.

She's a very strapping young woman.

In front.