Original subtitles

Well...

um

I thought it was the bride that was meant to get the dinner.

That cop is watching us.

Don't point at him, Charlie.

Relax. Why would he?

Think about it. I mean, if your parents freaked out, they'd call the cops,

right? You know, what we're doing is, technically,

it's illegal.

Don't worry about it.

Nobody knows we're getting married, Charlie.

Except for my mother.

What? I'm sorry. I wrote her a note. I didn't want her to worry about me.

Good dog. Well done.

right behind it.

Okay?

Okay? You all right?

I was right.

You know what?

Your mom did blow the whistle. We'd be a lot safer taking this back road to

Vegas.

I don't know, Charlie. It just...

Charlie. Charlie.

Not in a Ford Pinto.

Just close your eyes and picture a Porsche.

Look, I want this as much as you do. It just isn't right.

Be in our own great big bed.

No parents.

No curtain.

No frustration.

And no clothes.

What do you need, son?

Could you fill her up, please?

Unleaded.

What'll I owe you?

Gas is $8 and advice is free.

You heading for Las Vegas?

Why do you ask?

Well, it's an old road and needs a lot of repair.

You'd be a lot safer on the interstate.

I took shop in high school.

Long car for this kind of road, honey.

You always open this late?

Don't sleep much at my age.

It's a biological fact.

Back when I had all the things in the world to do, I had to waste my time

sleeping.

Now I got the hours and not much to fill them.

Kids look pretty tired.

I got a cabin out back, nice bed, clean sheets.

Won't cost you a cent, and I'll guarantee your privacy.

Oh, thank you, but, uh, we had our hearts setting on getting there tonight.

Thanks. Well, listen, son, you keep your eye out for two Joshua trees.

If you get sleepy, don't pull over till you pass the second one.

You hear?

What was that about trees?

Who knows? That guy was, like, really weird.

This is lonely.

Yeah, well, we both know what that's like.

Navy rats see the world, but we live like gypsies.

I didn't mind that so much until I met you.

You made me feel really...

Good about myself.

Rachel?

Grace.

I pour my guts out to you and you're asleep.

What do you think, Ben?

Ben.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

I'm driving to the middle of nowhere and I'm... talking to myself.

the problem, officer.

Rachel?

Rachel?

What was that about trees?

You won't believe me if I told you.

What happened to your girl? He took her.

Who took her? Why didn't you tell me?

There's two roads down there.

There's a road within a road.

You can't see it.

It's there, all right. I've been there.

Where? The highway to hell.

The highway to hell?

Can you please just tell me where there's a phone?

You can't phone hell, boy.

You can drive there, but you can't phone hell.

They're all young and every one of them pretty.

They just didn't disappear.

I know where they went. The sergeant took them.

Who is the sergeant?

The hell cop.

This was Clara.

Pretty as the days long.

God rest her.

She made me this.

She could make any old piece of trash look like a work of art.

This was a piece of hubcap.

Way back about 50 years ago, we drove out from Oklahoma.

I was going to find work so we could get married.

She never made it.

In the middle of the night, I fell asleep driving that godforsaken road.

Did Clara die in the crash?

No, she disappeared.

I never did find Clara, but I've never given up hope.

But you can do more than hope.

You've got to catch him before he reaches Hell City.

You'll need this.

It's no ordinary gun.

I'll get you some shells.

I'm sorry I don't have any more of them.

This highway to hell.

How do I get there?

You might get to hell in that pit, oh boy, but this one will get you back.

You'd better take this antifreeze. It's gonna be hot as hell down there.

It's all right.

You know,

you're gonna have to pass through to the other side by sunrise.

If you're not back in 24 hours, you're stuck there.

For eternity.

You know, this whole thing is really my fault.

She didn't even want to take that road.

You just drive back and forth between them two trees.

Believe.

Really believe.

That'll pack you through.

Good luck and Godspeed.

that car.

Something special.

Shit.

Perhaps I could interest you in an omelet, okay, in a bit of a rush? I can

understand that.

I'll just cook you up a fine head cheese omelet.

How you doing, sweetheart?

Hot enough for you? Gonna be a real...

He caught me in bed with another guy.

We were going at it pretty hot. And I said to my husband, I said, don't worry

about this guy lying on top of me. It's okay.

He's a doctor.

To the rim, to the rim.

That's a joke. A funny joke. Well, laugh if it's funny. Laugh.

Well,

honey, why didn't you say you wanted coffee?

We got time.

and she snubbed me!

You've got to get me away from him. Okay, okay. But whatever he's going to

we're going to do it twice as bad.

Don't move.

Anyway, where are you going to run to down here, huh?

There's only one real way out. Would you please tell me how?

He sends you back to do his work.

Embarrassing! A girl from up there getting away from you on your own turf!

I mean, if you ever found out, you'd be in big shit!

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, okay?

I'll give her back.

And I won't say how you messed up.

But you owe me.

Deal?

Hmm?

Well, I'll take that for a yes.

That depends. Can you tell me the quickest way to hell?

Sex, drugs, rock and roll.

I've got to catch a cop before he gets to Hell City.

Oh, Hell Cop? Yeah.

Dream on, man. No way. You just better hope he doesn't get you.

I'll take my chances. He's got my girlfriend.

So you need me, then.

Why do I need you?

Because I know where Hell Cop takes him.

Oh, okay.

Get in. Well, there's this one thing.

Have you got room for two?

Little hand gesture.

cook it for you. Hey, hey, let me go.

The whole cop's getting away.

What's going on?

You know this guy's alive.

So am I. Yeah, but he's different. He's after the sergeant. So he's dead meat

anyway. Hey, come on. He just left. I gotta catch him. Come on.

What's your name?

Charlie Sykes.

Charlie Sykes.

Charlie Sykes.

Charlie.

Why are you chasing him?

He's got my girlfriend.

Okay,

Charlie.

But you owe me.

Whether you're dead the next time I see you or not, you owe me.

Agreed?

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. Agreed.

Agreed.

Well, plenty.

My car's out of oil and won't start.

Really? Really.

Do you think I could get some help down here, please?

Now you're saying it's all out of oil and the car won't start.

Yeah.

It's my car.

Hey, no harm intended.

I've got a little salvage business up the road of people.

I usually keep what I find.

Since you say it's your car, do you want me to haul it in and fix it up for you?

Yeah, if you could just take a look, that would help me a lot.

I didn't say I'd look at it.

I said I'd fix it.

Not doing you any good sitting out here like a big, dead, white elephant, now,

is it?

ride in the back with Adam.

There you go.

What a great dog you have.

Hey, Phillip, what's his name?

It's Mr. Ben.

Adam, right?

Right. I'm Charlie. Nice to meet you, Charlie.

Well, yeah.

How old is the car you got back there, Charlie?

I haven't seen one like it in maybe 50 years.

Couldn't be that old.

be like it.

It's hard to keep track of time down here.

Hey, could you speed it up? I'm kind of in a hurry here.

I've been tempted, but the cops down here can get pretty tough.

Tell me about it.

sticks. Sticks beer is a third more toxic than any other regular beer. The

beer. The filthiest beer. The deadliest beer.

It's sticks beer.

And now we return to our feature presentation, Bowling for Leftovers.

There you go, Charlie.

Right as rain.

How much do I need?

Don't worry about it.

I hope you did.

Want to come down and think again?

Hey, no thank you.

Listen, I really appreciate this, but I'm in a real big hurry.

Please, yourself.

Hey, Beazle.

Do you know the way to Hell City?

Sure.

All rope lead there.

You ever heard of Hell Cop?

They call him the collector.

I don't know why, but he, um... He took my girlfriend.

Is she, um... Have you two... You know what I mean.

Of course.

Yeah. Well, the only reason I say is that a hell cop usually only goes for a

beautiful young virgin.

Well, uh... She's not.

A virgin.

We, uh, did it, my pinto.

You'll be all right, then.

sleeping with my husband's boss to advance his career.

Next.

I was only trying to help.

I thought he wanted me to pull the plug.

Next.

Sure, I let little Frances drink the bleach. It's a lesson she had to learn

herself.

Next, Kate.

You just stay out of the way, all right? It's very dangerous, okay?

Okay.

Keep your excuses to yourself.

We don't care.

I don't care.

You don't care.

No one cares.

So I care.

Thank you.

Hey, Adam.

How did you end up in hell?

I was too little to remember.

But you remember Cleveland, right?

Adam, hey, you can trust me.

It was a long time ago. My daddy was driving the station wagon. I think I was

sleeping, but when I woke up, Hell Cop was there.

And he killed everyone except me.

Even my dog.

How did Beazle get you? Helga brought me to him.

What does Beazle do down here?

Fix stuff.

He's teaching me to fix stuff, too.

This is my girlfriend.

Her name is Rachel.

She's pretty, Charlie. We'd better hurry.

Listen, as soon as I find her, we're going to get the hell out of here.

Do you want to go with us?

Yeah, Charlie, I do.

All right, it's a deal.

Cross your heart.

And hope to die.

Let's give them hell.

Off it.

Man, Jimmy ain't here.

Horse races.

Are you going to be okay?

That depends.

You promise not to run away?

Nice to have you back.

How are you feeling?

I don't know.

I can't believe I'm alive.

Well, you might have been killed, only the bullet couldn't pierce your soul.

You've got a big heart, kid. Hey, Jimmy.

Hey, come on, let's get down.

I'm not Hitler. We've heard that story before, haven't we?

Once it's explained, you're dead. Devil will look at me and I say goodbye,

devil, and he goes goodbye, go.

Damn it, I'll never catch him.

You've done all you can.

Get back in your car. Go back to where you came from.

There must be a million girls out there just like Rachel.

No, you're wrong.

She's the only one for me.

Where do you think you're going?

After them.

Maybe he stopped.

Maybe they broke down.

Maybe they don't have a chance.

I know a shortcut to House Biddy.

Where?

Nearby? They call it the road to nowhere.

In fact, I'm 19.

19 years old. I like to listen to heavy metal.

I like to sit in my room and play air guitar. I like to dance around the room

my underwear.

Would you just get over it and get therapy like I did? No, I'm not Hitler

should not be sitting at the same table.

With the Flintstones. I can't deal with this.

Do you have a blow dryer?

Do I look like I have a blow dryer?

What are you trying to do with that hair?

Hey, buddy,

come on.

Let's go get Rachel.

I don't stand with me, Charlie.

She's my apprentice.

I thought you said you wanted to come with me.

Uh -uh, Charlie.

Cross your heart?

I have to stay, Charlie.

Okay.

I'll see you around, kid.

Hey, thanks a lot.

He's afraid.

I was never afraid.

Now you tell me you're going to send this little boy back up?

I told you it's not healthy to be so angry all the time.

You don't care?

Of course I care.

But you always walk away. Every time you walk away, I'm going back up.

I'm going.

The winds of change are howling my name, Beazle.

the lost voice.

Thank you.

Sam has tried to find you.

She doesn't have much time, Charlie.

Yeah, I know.

Don't take that road.

It's a shortcut.

I know it's the shortcut.

But if you take the shortcut, Charlie, you're going to have to choose.

And if you choose wrong, you're going to be lost.

You and Rachel.

What do you mean?

You made a choice.

I was just a stupid kid.

I was a dumb kid who wanted to do something with my life. He tempted me,

took it.

What about Sam?

I thought I didn't need Sam.

Yeah, well, Rachel needs him.

Maybe she doesn't, Charlie.

Maybe she does.

Maybe she doesn't.

Maybe. Oh, God.

Oh, Charlie, I'm so glad you're here.

Where is he?

I don't know.

Make love to me, Charlie.

If you make love to me, the devil won't want me anymore.

I think we should get out of here. Go to bed.

Rachel, we should go.

Now.

It's really only skin deep, isn't it?

Come here, baby. I love you, Charlie. Come

to

mama. Oh, baby.

Let's run better, Charlie.

Come to mama.

I love you.

Yeah, bro.

pounds of shit in a five pound bag but choice number two you could have it all

rachel fame fortune every note just have faith in us and forget about sorry old

charlie

Back to the car, Ben.

Ben! What are you doing?

I owe

you

one, buddy.

What right have you to cross?

I have no right.

My girlfriend has been taken to hell and I want to save her. It's too late. Only

the dead may pass.

She's not dead.

Please.

Please just allow me to cross.

Rules are meant to be broken, but once you have crossed, there is no way back.

This is your place to leave.

But remember, evil has many faces, some of which are sweet.

Thank you.

Charlie, I thought you were dead. What are you doing?

I think you left us along the way.

Charlie Sykes.

Your name

is not in my book.

Is there a black mark on your soul?

I don't know what's happening here, but I'm taking Rachel back.

Rachel?

My sweet.

Virgin or child.

You'll never keep her away from me.

You've heard her play.

She can be magnificent with my help.

She can do anything she wants.

It is Rachel's turn.

I want to go back.

We're going to die someday anyway.

Too early now.

We didn't do anything wrong.

We haven't even eloped yet.

Precisely why I like you, dear.

We're still alive.

Are you sure you're alive, jolly dyke?

I don't really need Carly.

You stink.

How else I let her?

No, no.

You let Rachel go, and you can keep me.

No.

Then you're going to have to kill me.

Haven't you ever been in love?

I am darkness made visible. I am the prince of princes.

I once basked... in the light of God's love.

Then you must know how we feel.

I know how everyone feels.

And it is not love.

It is fear and vanity.

On one condition.

Remember, don't look back.

Now we'll have some fun.

Get out of here.

Stick by me.

And run like the devil.

Charlie, come on.

Ow. It's okay.

Don't turn.

It's like, you know... On the roof!

That's all, guys.

Where the hell did that come from?

Adam?

Adam?

Diesel?

Hello, Charlie.

You've made it.

You're a real player.

I'm proud of you.

And Rachel, Charlie's found you.

Do you think he can keep you?

What are you talking about?

You better hurry.

Friendly Hell Cop is on his way, even as we speak.

We're taking Adam with us.

He doesn't belong here. He doesn't want to go.

Adam?

I promised I would stay, Charlie.

And I promised I'd take you with me.

Remember? You really meant it, Charlie?

I want you to stay with me.

No.

He's going with us.

I may not be carrying a pitchfork, Charlie, but I think you know who I am.

Don't make me lose my temper.

We just met the devil.

One of my many, many manifestations.

But you helped me.

You saved my life.

People live.

People die.

They come down here.

I've got infinite levels of help for them.

What you've seen is nothing.

A mere kindergarten.

And it's so easy for me now.

People have lost their willpower, their hope.

They think the world is going to come to an end.

Wishful thinking.

The world will last a long, long, long, long time.

But you, Charlie, you haven't lost your willpower.

You've got guts.

That's why I like you.

But you can't have Adam.

Adam is not a game.

Neither was Attila, Napoleon, Adol.

Adam will go back when I send him.

Adam wants to go back now.

And I want to take him with us.

What are your terms?

We'll race the Hell Cop.

If we make it out of hell before he catches us, then we go free.

If we don't, you can keep Adam.

Not interested.

Me.

What did you say?

And me.

You'll come of your own free will?

Yes.

It's a deal.

Have you met Royce? A great disappointment to me.

He was once part of my scheme of things.

Like Adam, he's one of my adopted sons.

I'd like a child with Rachel.

I'd like a boy.

But I don't always get what I want.

There's your exit point.

If you make it, you're free.

If not, you're mine.

Hey,

Charlie, suppose I made you quarterback of the Rams. Would you give me Rachel

and Adam?

You know,

If you'd have said the Niners, I might have said, yeah, but you didn't.

So go to hell.

Royce, what are you doing to Clara? She's not looking well.

Don't chase the subjects.

You're letting them go.

They won't make it.

But you're giving them a chance.

When do I get to go back up?

Don't hold your breath.

You owe me a chance, Beezle.

What have I been doing here?

I'm better than those God -fearing six -star TV evangelists.

I'm the guy.

I'm the best. I'm the one.

You're not.

You were a great appointment.

Eternity is ours.

Eternity lasts too long.

And if that boy is going back up...

This world is shit, boy.

Wanna tell me what's so goddamn funny?

I'm sorry about the -

Stop right there, all.

You'll get what you want. Maybe the next time.

Maybe the next time.

Won't be that.