Original subtitles

The knock of bone-white knuckle on the dream door.

The hell howl from the well of the forgotten.

The spinning coin.

Head, tail.

Head, tail.

Head, tail.

The sudden shout.

The misremembered voice.

We have returned.

The dark ears set ablaze with sound fire.

The death pony tosses its bloody mane.

Shattered sleep and fantasy made flesh.

The crows.

The crows.

We have returned.

When the demon dances.

When the Kraken wakes.

When Hill and Glen swarm with doom locusts and all else is emptiness.

We have returned.

Tracks blood on the mind.

Brothers and sisters, what a terrible time.

Old 97 got in the wrong hole.

And him, my number 60, there's a thrill on the goal.

I

don't really get him kind of going, you know, kind of socially concerned.

What's up?

What's up?

You know, I think we should just call it a day.

So you're basically saying that we're free to go.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Bob Geldof.

Well, usually, If I show up at an evening like this.

It's because there is some greater, more profound meaning.

Unfortunately, tonight is totally devoid of any meaning whatsoever.

So will you please welcome home, at last, live from hell, Spital Tap!

Next day we'll be on our way, but we've heard more than lucky.

Good night, we're gonna go back in.

Good night, girls.

A great big welcome to the song.

Good evening, Greater London.

How are you all feeling tonight?

Your balls hurt, too.

First

time anywhere in the United Kingdom.

The dollar sign, double X.

Let's keep it strict, there's to your behalf.

Well, I love you, but why take a chance?

And I want to be a victim of circumstance.

It's an overlooking but no big advantage.

It's an overlooking but no big advantage.

You've got the sky, you've got the look.

You've got to be a fool in your pocketbook.

And you've got to buy groceries before you get cooked.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Let's keep it strict, there's to your behalf.

Perfectpool, who can they ask for... tired?

As I'm living,

let's keep it straight.

There's the only way you're living with me.

Number 45, you were number 47.

Yeah.

This was... It really hasn't changed at all.

You see this?

That was my window.

And the one just to the left was David's, yeah.

So I wanted to talk to him.

I'd reach out the window with a bent-up coat

hanger, sort of like, tap the window like this.

And I'd lift up the window and say, what do you want?

You'd say, I don't know, what are you doing?

You'd say...

No, I don't think we can go do it together, you know.

In the old days, these were like mansions to us.

Well, not really.

More like Hubble's mansions, but large.

But we knew we were poor, we knew we were rich people.

No, rich people had actual food.

My mum used to say, you know, here's dinner.

And I'd say, what's this?

Remember that?

She'd have cotton wool balls on a plate.

Prepared very well.

I mean, really.

Dipped in lukewarm water.

That was a treat.

Moistened and then deep-fried.

Yeah.

And you know, it doesn't hurt you, eating cotton wool balls.

And now, modelling the very latest in guitar wear,

Mr Nigel Tuffnell with the Marshall Stack guitar.

It's gonna be louder than this, I think.

Would you like it louder than this?

Alright, Joe, come back here.

This might help.

This always works.

The

magic's great, you say no place to be a man.

Ain't got the future, ain't got no past, I don't think I ever can.

You've gone stupid, you've walked in there.

You've been hiding in my face.

The last period, I'm losing ground.

Can't seem to join a given race.

Thought I was enjoying this one.

Cause I'm living in a hellhole.

I

broke the jersey.

I hit the top.

I was thinking about the grass.

The small and strong he grew up.

The kitchen stinks about his name.

The tax was coming.

The butter quit.

The same place to be a man.

I'm going back to where it started.

Flashing back into my plan.

Join me on this one too, you little folks.

Come down with a hellhole in Norway.

Thank you all very, very much.

Before we go any further, we should like to introduce to you for the first time in

the United Kingdom, our brand new skull, Jim.

Hail Jim!

Hail Jim!

Hail Jim!

Hail Jim!

Hail him!

Pay him his respect.

It may not be fashionable in some quarters, but Jim still smokes!

We just recently completed a wonderful tour of North America.

And it reminded us, back in 1982, which was the last time we toured America.

Things went a lot more smoothly this time, I can guarantee.

But during that first trip, Mr Nigel Tufnel of this

parish wrote a wonderful song about the United States.

We'd like to share it with you now.

It's called, America.

America!

We

came like babies From our homes across the sea to see America And the people opened

up their arms to welcome us In America In America We came like children From a far

and distant flat To see America And the golden

sign of freedom Put it down to us In America The

people were stood out and stood out and found us more than we had died to.

Superhighways here and there.

Pretty women's everywhere.

Pretty bunch of smoking black.

I've seen an apple pie.

PTA and FBI.

The Jumbo just begins to rise.

Joyful Nation waves its bye, bye, bye, bye.

Equal is a race of the cream.

Gets exactly what they need.

Black lives I have to see.

Thank you.

I know this looks a little bit odd but this is not my regular office.

This is just a temporary situation.

I'm waiting for an office to open up in the building

and I'm like very high up on the waiting list.

And actually, matter of fact, I'm waiting for a

call right now to see if the office is available.

But actually, this isn't so bad.

I mean, it's kind of convenient.

You know, I've got the phones here and of course,

you know, easy access to the men's room here.

And you know, if I want a drink of water, all I've got to do

is get up and walk a couple of steps and I've got my water.

So, you know, I don't know.

Maybe if the office opens up, I may just say, you know, the hell with you.

I'll just stay here, you know.

So, but it's, you know, it's not bad.

Things have been going pretty well for me.

I know the guys in Spinal Tap have been a little upset with me about what they feel

was a hatchet job, you know, done on this is Spinal Tap, you know.

But, you know, I've been trying to talk to them.

I can't get them on the phone, you know, and they don't have this number.

So, it's been rough.

I just try to show them in a good light, you know.

And I thought that, you know, showing them not being able to get out of the pod and

not being able to find the stage and so on was, you know, made them more human.

You know, put them in a, you know, in a more endearing light.

But I guess they just didn't see it that way.

I hope things eventually get patched up.

I'm doing pretty well.

I did a feature after Spinal Tap was finished.

I did Kramer versus Kramer versus Godzilla, which was...

It didn't work as well as I thought it would.

I thought the juxtapositions of the, you know, the stummendrang of,

you know, which parent is going to get the child, you know, with Godzilla looming,

you know, over all of them, you know, like maybe

the Godzilla's going to get the child, you know.

And that I thought would be interesting, but it turned out the

audience didn't take to it as well as I thought they would.

Pulse in the newborn sun.

A beat in the heat of noon.

It's

long and the tempo of time.

And you feel so real.

You can feel the feeling.

That's the majesty of life.

The pageantry of gold.

The dawning of the shock.

The scoring of the goal.

A barber takes a wife.

A barber takes a pole.

We're in this together.

And we're...

In the shade.

The jungle's made.

On the rush of the crushing streets.

On the plane.

On the plane.

You can never escape from the beach.

It's in the mud.

And it's in your blood.

And its conquest is complete.

And all that you can do.

Is just surrender.

To the majesty of love.

The mystery of gold.

The ticking of the clock.

The wailing of the soul.

The prisoner in the dark.

The digger in the hole.

We're in this together.

Under

murk of the sea.

What then?

Are we born again?

Just to sit asking questions like these.

For

each of you quite agree.

And last it changes.

That's the majesty of love.

The fishing of the soul.

The prisoner in the dark.

The digger in the hole.

We're in this together.

We're in this together.

And never.

We've been touring the United States.

And we opened the tour in Colorado Springs.

At an air force base.

True.

We've received a wonderful telegram from a wonderful woman.

And it said in part.

It said dear boys.

It's been such a pleasure working with you.

Especially singing with you on your new album.

Break like the wind.

And you should know that I would be with you on tour.

I would be travelling with you.

And singing at your side.

Every stop of the way.

Were it not for the fact that I do not choose to do so.

But please be aware that my heart.

And at least one other organ.

Travels with you.

Wherever you go.

And it's signed.

Well I won't tell you who it's signed.

You'll just have to find out for yourselves.

CJ Vanston.

This is our power ballad.

We invite you to feel the power.

When the game has been lost.

When the race has all been brought.

When the storm has left your sheep well tossed.

Ignore the cost.

Get your stars uncrossed.

Back at square one.

Just begin again.

You can always find a way.

Just begin again.

Just begin again.

No matter what they say.

You see life is just a wheel.

If it's even real.

You can rest.

You can never get just a wheel.

And you never say well.

People say enough is enough.

People say you cannot do what's done.

People say the road is just too rough.

But what do they know?

Life is just a show.

Gory love.

Begin again.

Just begin again.

Just begin again.

Just begin again.

Make the bastards just eat their words.

Just begin again.

Like bumblebees and coming birds.

You see life.

Life is just a dream.

You see life.

Just begin again.

Begin again.

Begin again.

Thank you very much.

And thank you Dark Lady for dropping in.

I know for a fact that because of Spinal Tap, Elizabeth Taylor met Larry Fortensky.

Very few people know this.

Fortensky was and is a Spinal Tap freak.

And one night he was playing, I believe, Sex Farm Woman.

Very, very loudly.

Just blasting it out.

And Elizabeth, as she likes to be called, could not sleep.

So she came next door and banged on the door and said, Keep that music down, you.

And he opened the door and their eyes met.

And you know, I don't know if you know, her eyes are violet.

And there was a little bit of chemistry.

And within, you know, 20 minutes she was saying to him, Are you gonna finish that?

It really doesn't matter what I'm doing.

Whether I'm doing, you know, Shakespeare or a project featuring Ron Liebman.

I still, before every take, will listen to Spinal Tap.

Take it in, and allow myself to be focused by it.

I'm working on a sex farm.

Trying to raise some hard love in your head.

Shooting in your hen house.

Sniffing at your feedback.

Sniffing at your back door.

Leaving my spray.

Sex farm woman.

I'm gonna mow you down.

Sex farm woman.

I wake and hold you down.

Sex farm woman.

Don't you see my silo rising high?

Hey!

Hey!

Working on a sex farm.

Trying to raise some hard love.

Getting at my pitchfork.

Poking your hay.

Scratching in your hen house.

Sniffing at your feedback.

Sniffing at your back door.

Leaving my spray.

Sex farm woman.

Hits.

Pucks.

Hits.

Oh no, not the most.

Hits.

WANTED.

Working on a sex farm.

Holding on your barren door.

Bothering your lifestyle.

They know what I need.

Brashing in your hot sweat.

Working at the piscount.

Run to your pee.

Leave in my sea.

My

hand sex farm woman.

I'll let my office stand.

Sex farm woman.

Don't you see my tractor rumbling by?

Funky, funky sex farm, thank you.

Well, are you ready for your history lesson of the evening?

Well, let me put it to you this way.

If there were any vanished race of British people that you could go back in time

somehow and meet, if there were any lost civilization you could somehow contact,

if there was some mysterious landmark in the British Isles you could visit,

where would it be?

I'm sorry, once again.

I'm sorry, we don't know Camelot.

Do you have another trope?

No, they're not saying Camelot.

One more time.

One, two, three.

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn

of history, of the strange race of people, the Jewess.

No one knows who they were, or what they were doing, but

their legacy remains huge into the living rock of Stone Age.

Stonehenge, where the people,

Stonehenge, where a man's a man and the children dance.

Stonehenge, where the pipes,

Stonehenge, where the virgins fly in the prayers of devils through the midnights.

Stonehenge, would you take my hand, would you take my hand,

to that mystical land, that cuts me out.

I will take you there, I will show you how.

I

know how to dance, the little children of Stonehenge, beneath the haunted moon.

For fear, the diaper, might come, too soon.

And where are they now, the little children of Stonehenge?

And what would they say to us, if we were here tonight?

Wish you were here.

Thank you, we'll be back in 15 minutes.

Janine and I settled in Pomona, California.

I've been working here for the Parks Department since 1988, I believe.

My specialty is soccer training.

Mostly five-year-olds, four or five-year-old girls.

It's a soccer clinic, really.

We don't even give them ball until about three or four weeks in.

I get a, what they call a stipend.

Yeah.

A stipend is like money, but it's such a small

amount that they don't really call it money.

They call it a stipend.

And I also get a discount whenever I need to have anything inflated.

It's a bit worried about my hips, you know.

The great thing about living in Pomona is it's

only four and a half hours to Las Vegas bypass.

I get to work on my game a bit.

Then one knee come forward, the other knee come forward.

This way.

Okay, how do I prevent that forward momentum?

Actually, you want that.

You do?

You're gonna go down and find the ball anyway,

so you might as well just get started early.

Very good point, yeah.

Save time.

Otherwise, you're stuck there.

You ready?

Straight back now.

Really hard.

Oh, watch the camera!

This is the inventing shed where I do my work.

So I get early in the morning, have a cup of

tea and go straightway into the inventing shed.

And that's really where my good work is done.

So if you come inside, I'll show you what it's like.

After Spinal Tap broke up in 82, I came back to England and I thought,

you know, I've really got to get down to some serious

work, because I've always had these ideas in my head.

Now, if you go on a picnic with a normal wine glass and put it in your pocket,

it will break.

So what I did was, I figured a way so that you

could fold down the sides, you see, like this.

The sides fold down, like this.

And then, you put it in your pocket.

So, Bon Vino, is what they say.

You pour it in, like this.

And you...

Well, the bit that...

The bit that I haven't worked out exactly

yet is the rubber hinges haven't come in yet.

I've sent away for them.

They make them in China.

Now, this is called an amplifier capo.

A capo is a little thing you put on a guitar neck, right across the strings.

And if you move it up, it changes the key that you play in.

And it was an obstruction to my hand when I was playing.

So I thought, if I could put it around the amplifier

speaker, I could move my hand up as much as I would like.

And only have to learn how to play in one key.

And what you do is, you lift this up and

down on the amplifier to play in another key.

A, B flat, C.

You see what I mean?

This is Nilford, where I grew up.

This is my dad, Donald Duff Smalls.

Say hello to him, Dad.

There he is.

He's got to concentrate on driving, I should hope.

After the Japanese tour kind of collapsed, I came back home to assess my prospects.

And before I could really do any deep assessing, Dad had his little hernia

problem at the time, didn't you, Dad?

Yeah, right.

A bit painful, wasn't it?

Yeah.

So he had to go into hospital.

And he'd always taken me about on his route.

We're in his van right now, the telephone

sanitising business that he has called Saniphone.

And he'd always taken me about on his route, teaching me the route and the technique.

Slowly I think the realisation dawned on people that they could go round to the

store, get a bit of toweling and just a spray bottle of something bluish,

and really do the same thing for about a tenth of what we were charging him.

In the old days, it was mainly lovely young

women who would come to sanitise your telephones.

It may well have been more the attraction of them tromping into your house every

week than the fear of germs, really, that kept the business alive.

Good as new.

But Dad's one of the few who's still in the business, and I'm very proud of him.

Are you proud of me?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

But after a summer of sanitising people's telephones,

you really do appreciate rock and roll more than ever.

The

void was king and ruled the elements When there was silence

and the hush was almost deafening Rhythm and light and sound.

Creation took his yang.

And he looked and he saw that it was good.

Beneath the stars and feeling insignificant.

I turned within to see the forces that created me.

To

the stars and the answer is clear.

I look in the mirror and see what I feel.

Creation was terrible.

Saw that it was good.

You know, it's funny how a business does a thing.

In the early 80s, I was with Polymer Records.

That's the Spinal Tap label.

We released everything on Spinal Tap.

And I worked the record.

I was a promotion man in the Chicago area.

I worked the record hard.

It was a great record.

It was a tough record.

It was a great record.

Tough record to work.

But beyond working and promoting, we had a tight relationship.

We would hang.

We would rock, really.

We would rock in the evenings.

We would get a limo.

Somehow I got taken off the project.

I don't know.

While I was fired from Polymer, really, they let me go.

I don't know why they let me go.

Sexual harassment is what they told me.

There was no harassment.

There was no sexual.

There was a cute secretary there, Barbara.

I was really just trying to give her some insight into what

it takes to be in this business that we call record promotion.

It's a tough, it's a tough business.

What did I... For whatever reason.

Sexual harassment, whatever.

They let me go from Polymer.

Here I am.

Ten years later.

I'm over here in Australia.

I'm programming VM over here.

You know VM.

Video magic.

The video hits all video channels.

Almost over 22.

A good 22 hours of programming a day now we're happening.

We're on all the major...

We're in a lot of the... We're in some of the markets over here in Australia.

And as executive programmer...

I'm not playing the video Bitch School.

I won't play the Spinal Tap video because... Because I believe it's sexist.

Isn't it funny how the business does a flip?

Let's go to school!

Just do what I say.

You don't listen.

And you never obey!

If you've never obey... I try to teach you... But you just won't be good.

You won't behave the way a big girl should.

It's time to give that whip a crack.

I'm gonna have to take your back to.

Let's go...

Let's go!

Let's go.

You're a beauty.

You're the best of your breed.

But you're a handful.

And I know what you need.

You need training.

I'm gonna bring you to heal.

I'm gonna break you with my will of steel.

Discipline, spike in the lead.

And no one comes back the same.

Let's go.

Let's go.

You're almost living strangers.

You're holding it free at night.

You think I bark bad, honey.

Wait till you feel my bite.

Wait till you feel my bite.

Papa,

when I'm busy, you wanna dance with my bag.

I'm gonna chain you.

Make you sleep out of doors.

You're so fetching when you're down an old porch.

And when you hear your mouth, you will come a little faster.

Make sure.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

God, I'll have to take you back to let's go.

Thank you very much.

Over the years.

25 years.

Next week.

A lot of things have changed.

But some sentiments stay exactly in place.

It's called Listen to the Flower People.

Listen to what the flower people say.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Listen, it's getting louder every day.

Listen, it's like a bolt out of the blue.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Listen to the flower people.

Listen, it could be calling next for you, just for you.

Flour people, walk on by.

Flour people, don't you cry.

It's not too late.

No, it's not too late.

Listen, it's like a Mozart symphony.

Listen, it's something just for you and me.

Listen, to what the flower people say.

Ah, listen, it's getting truer every day.

Yes, each and every day.

I definitely remember when Spinal Tap played our Air Force base.

They may not think they made much of an impression, but

they were the topic of conversation for years afterwards.

The officers, the enlisted men, their wives, their families.

Oh, they hated them.

As a matter of fact, it got to be kind of a standing joke on the base.

If there was a snafu, it would be known as someone pulled a spinal tap.

Hey, he pulled a spinal tap over there.

As a matter of fact, at one point, they were going to test crash an aircraft

into the mountainside, and they were going to fly it by remote

control, and they needed some dummies to fill the plane.

And someone said, let's get Hookstrat and bring in spinal tap.

Maybe they'll fill the seats.

They were joking, of course.

I did have problems.

I suffered a bout of depression.

It led me off into different areas.

I was in charge of theatrical programming, and I did a production, probably

ill-advised, the first all-white version of Porgy and Bess.

This was a different time, you have to remember.

It was a wonderful show.

I don't know if you know, Bess, you are my woman.

It's not necessarily so.

But it was known as Hookstrat and Follier, always pulling another spinal tap.

I turned to religion, and I'm not ashamed of that, after certain incidents.

One took place on the firing range.

To make a long story short, a bullet came very close to me.

I don't think it was intentional, and there was a firebomb placed under my vehicle.

But I took it on the chin for a long time, believe me.

So if you want to know if I remember spinal tap, yes and no.

I have mixed feelings about it.

And now an exclusive feature of an evening with spinal tap.

Often duplicated, never imitated, our acoustic set.

Let's go on!

We're going to start this particular part of the program...

With the B-side of the previous A-side.

This was released also in 1967.

Simultaneously with the release on the other side of the record.

Once upon a time, you know, there was a beautiful country called the 60s.

Where all the children wore smiling faces,

regardless of the state of their other organs.

Join us, won't you?

We hope you enjoy the trip.

Here she comes, that rainy day sun.

Peeking in and out the falling raindrops.

Smiling down on everyone.

In her golden gossamer gown.

And a necklace of the finest rainbow.

Drying out this rainy day town.

Goodbye, cloudy skies.

Here she comes, here she comes, to cut them down to sight.

Dry the tears in my eyes.

Here she comes, that rainy day sun.

Like a moffet at a birthday party.

Rainy day's not spoiling her fun.

No, no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Open up the top of your mind.

Catch the water in your magic paint box.

Oh, the many colours you'll find.

Everyone.

Goodbye, cloudy skies.

Here she comes, here she comes, to cut them down to sight.

Dry the tears in my eyes.

Oh, we love you rainy day sun.

Raining day.

Thank you.

As hard as this might be to believe, the next song is even older than 1967.

Any Irish here tonight?

Well, we promised to get some of the rest of you.

Some of this song will be sung.

Ah, Cappellini, so listen for that.

When I first laid eyes on County Dunn, I was green as the hills so high.

But in later years the streets ran red with blood in the violet sky.

I loved me a lass whose hair was long and brown as the finest stew.

And she swore by the stars in the jet black night.

She'd be true as the sky so blue.

As I look back on the colours of me life, I see them in faded hues.

The red of the blood of the orange and the green.

The grey of the sky and the moon's silver sheen.

Oh, give me the Celtic blues.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Mr Tufnell's left the building apparently.

He'll be back.

Oh, he'll be back.

I'd like to do a special song that only Mr Tufnell can guide us through.

He's our guide and he will supply the rather questionable passport.

Where are we going, Nigel?

How are we going to get there?

Yes, this is an exotic song and so therefore the

means of transportation I suppose should be exotic.

It's called Clam Caravan.

I ride across the desert on a camel over hills of sand.

Hills of sand.

What's that they see in the distance?

Only hills of sand.

Hills of sand.

There is no oasis in sight.

I'll have to ride through the night.

If I'm to make my dad my light.

Of dawn.

Sun's not your friend in the desert.

Like he is at home.

Is at home.

Wind has a name in the desert.

Shuck.

But it's barely known.

Red ring knows.

Slowly the heartiest bloom.

Can blossom and knock his contour.

So I will just stay in my room.

Tonight.

The amazing Shaz Bar, ladies and gentlemen.

The desert isn't free with her secrets.

She's a silent bird.

Quiet bird.

I asked the Sphinx for the answer.

Shhh.

It said mum's the word.

Bum's the word.

So I'll take those hands of my train.

And sleep till I'm wakened by rain.

And I'm back in old England again.

Once more.

Thank you very, very much.

A gun.

The old neighbourhood pub.

Formerly The Bun.

Before that was called Bun and Puffy.

And before that it was The Queen's Lips.

That's when we were drinking here.

Yeah, yeah.

Teenagers, you know.

Wasting our paychecks.

You say, let's go down The Queen's Lips.

Yeah.

The old Queen's Lips.

Before it was The Queen's Lips.

When my dad used to go here, it was called the Restless Cheese.

So, eh.

Extremely important site in our lives.

It was a plaque here.

It said, On this site, on December 14th, 1961, Davies A.

Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel recorded all the way home.

Yeah.

See, it's become sort of an anthem, you know, around here.

Squatney Anthem.

This area.

Well, not all of Squatney, but like those

three buildings there, it's been their anthem.

Obviously, they, you know, they couldn't afford the upkeep

of the people coming in and polishing and buffing it.

Go into the studio right here.

This was the original.

The door.

This was the door.

The drum kit was back here.

And, ehm, see the control booth was over here.

Oh, no.

No, no.

The drum kit.

No.

The drums were here, but the control room was here.

That's right.

This was the vocal booth.

Right, yeah.

The vocal booth was here.

So we do all your vocals.

And, eh, it was great.

We just, you know, we stand here with our guitars and

they didn't, couldn't afford the buffers, you know.

So we just used the wall.

We stood as close to the wall as possible.

Yeah.

Recorded through the microphone here.

And we'd sing.

You know, if we wanted a bit of echo, we'd open the

window and get bounced off that wall behind you, you see.

Yeah.

And we'd just go, okay, all the way home, we'd finish,

and we'd walk out as soon as we possibly could.

We can imagine it was really the way it was.

One, two, three, four.

Very nicely done.

Well, I'm sitting here beside a railroad track.

And I'm waiting for that train to bring her back.

Yeah, if she's not on the 519, then I'm gonna know what sorrow means.

And I'm gonna cry, cry, cry all the way home.

All the way home.

All the way home.

All the way home.

Now her daddy never liked me this easy.

And he could not get it through his old grave.

And I loved his daughter so.

And did not mean to see her go.

Now cry, cry, cry all the way home.

One more time.

All the way home.

All the way home.

Thank you very much.

So much.

Thanks.

Our acoustic set.

Now another that wool shit.

Let's turn it up.

Your very own Albert Lee.

The children grew too fast.

We are the dust of a future past.

We raise our voices in the night.

Crying to heaven.

The

footprints across the sand.

We are the thumbs on a stranger's hand.

We made a promise in the night.

Swearing to heaven like the wind.

The

guests who have stayed too long.

We are the end of the endless song.

We send our hearts into the light.

Soaring to heaven.

We are the end of the endless song.

We send our hearts into the light.

Soaring to heaven.

We are the end of the endless song.

We send our hearts into the light.

Soaring to heaven.

We would like to continue in the vein of way over-the-top soloing, thanks to the

guitar pyrotechnics of Mr Nigel Tuffnell, being ably backed as he is by Caucasian

Geoffrey Vanston and our own skin man, Mr Rick Shrimpton.

It's a little number called Diva Fever.

No!

Has he come lovely?

Has he come deadly?

Has he come big-ass light?

He's gonna kill me!

And yet I will gladly, gladly die screaming in insufferable agony, yes sir!

Is

this life just waiting?

Too much too late Come on, come on She's too late Come on Come on I can't deny

Where's he go?

Where's he go?

Where's he go?

Hate her Where's he go?

While to die Boy,

show me

If you lived here, you'd be home now, except that you can't live here.

I do.

I'm on the tenth floor of that block right there.

This is a brilliant investment idea.

Some friends of mine got me into it.

This is the Docklands.

This is the old docks of London, not being used anymore.

And they said, well, right, let's pump some new life into it.

And they're still working on the pump, I guess, because I bought this flat in

1987 with the funds that I accrued from a very lucrative series of commercial advert

jingles that I played on for the Belgian milk board.

It was called Milk.

If it was any richer, it'd be cream.

And I thought, right, in the chips, make this investment, stay here a couple

of years, let the property just zoom up in value and sell it off and move out to the

big country house that I really have always deserved.

They never quite finished it up, couldn't move in.

So in 88, I went for a couple of year tour with this Christian rock band,

Lamb's Blood.

I went on a road in the States for a couple of years, all through these tents

and played the Monsters of Jesus Festival, very successful.

But property values plunged because nobody's living here.

You couldn't sell it.

Trapped here.

They said, right, well, Derek, look, here's what we'll do.

While we're waiting for that, because they started to

build a tunnel here, you see, so the access is even worse.

He said, we'll put you up, we'll let you rent another flat,

which is right over here, so you can see your real flat.

But they're working on this one, too.

So the problem is, really, that I'm paying for two flats in

London, and when I come to town, I have to stay in a hotel.

What this brings me to, really, is what I've been

doing in the last few years, which is animal activism.

I have this group called TFA, Travel for Animals.

And what it means is, basically, an animal can't speak.

But I can understand what they're saying.

So in a look in Trevor's eyes, what I can see he's saying to me is,

I wish I could go someplace in the world,

other than Brinsby, which is where we are now.

And so, I thought, why can't we form this organisation

so that all animals of the world can travel.

So this organisation will get them little passports, and they can travel freely.

If you open it up, there's all the regular

information that you would need for a person.

But, there's Trevor.

They say to him, did you bring in any gifts?

And he goes like this.

Which means, not very many.

And sometimes he goes like this.

Which means, none of your bloody business.

In any case, you know, I'm the only one that can understand him.

So the customs thing is sort of like an honour system thing.

Because they'd never go through his luggage.

Because he's got these little tiny duffel bags, with little tiny zips.

And they can't even get their fingers on the zips, because they're so small.

They make an attempt.

They say, we should...

Oh.

And then they always draw back, like they'd

be afraid to look at it in a ferret's bag.

But all he carries in there are little mints.

He never really... he doesn't have clothing.

There's no socks or dirty knickers or anything.

Just little tiny little mints that he takes for the airplane.

Because his ears pop when we land.

So when he's sitting there, he goes...

Have a mint.

And he sucks on the mint as we land.

And he goes... Which means, much better.

I've also been managing some local bands.

Very excited about the young trio called Meconium.

Getting back to the basics here.

Back to the real garage band sound.

And, of course, my wife, Janine, has the two shops going strong.

There's Potato Republic, which specializes in itchy Irish clothing.

And right next door, there's the drippery.

Candles, crystals, New Age accoutrements.

And every Friday night we throw a seance and potluck supper.

I don't have a problem.

I have... One of my balls is going funny.

I beg your pardon?

Um... My balls.

Oh, the chakra balls.

Yeah.

I'm not really sure this needs fixing.

This is a very nice instrument.

It's off.

No, it's off.

Listen, listen.

Sounds all right.

On the left there.

Did you... Oh, it's good for me.

You like it?

Is it good for you?

No, it works.

I guess there's nothing wrong with it.

Which way are you facing when you use it?

Um, I'm...

In the morning, I'm facing east, I think.

No.

You see, that's gonna be... That's gonna be a problem.

That's right, cos at night you've gotta face west.

Yeah.

Well, I'm in the valley cos west is... No, it doesn't matter.

No, it doesn't matter.

You can be in the North Pole.

Oh, really?

Just nighttime west, and then you do the other thing in the morning.

Yeah.

Well, I often do the other thing in the morning, but... What we all do.

There's nothing wrong with my ball.

No, no, not really, yeah.

That's a classic, that one is.

Is it?

That's a V16.

We'll be right back.

Here we go.

On the hit stage.

Rock and rage.

And you are best to earn the maximum wage.

The lights are bullshit.

The sounds will burn.

Don't know the music and we don't know the words.

Now we're stinking.

Say we're stinking.

Can't you hear us stinking, mama?

You know we're stinking just for you.

Stinking, stinking.

Stinking.

Stinking.

Stinking.

Stinking.

Stinking.

Stinking high.

Stinking high.

Well, obviously we can use some help up here.

Would you like to help us stink up the great outdoors?

May I?

Thought you might.

Would my two associates sing the word doors as in this phrase?

One, two, three.

Doors.

I'd like you to help them out.

Only you can help.

Two, three.

Doors.

Much louder, please.

Doors.

Up on the second chair.

Get to here.

Doors.

And up on the top now.

Doors.

Oh, you can do better than that down here.

Doors.

One, two, three.

Doors.

Stinking up the great outdoors.

Doors.

It's stinking up the great outdoors.ri.

Stinking up the great outdoors.

Don't Die.

Two, three.

Thank you.

Good tours.

Good tours, everyone.

Very nice.

Thank you very much.

You know, we weren't around here last December, but if we had been, we would

have had a very special message for you from someone

who touches all of our lives from time to time.

Sometimes you catch a glimpse of them in the pitch darkness of your room at night

when you know you've done something terrible during the day.

You know who I'm talking about.

He wishes you well.

Oh, yes, he does.

And he wants you to have the very happiest of holidays wherever you are.

The elves are dressed in leather and the angels are in chains.

Christmas in the flower.

The sugarplums are ranting and the stockings are in flames.

Christmas in the flower.

There's a demon in my belly and a gremlin in my brain.

There's someone up the chimney hole.

Satan is his name.

Christmas in the flower.

Christmas in the flower.

Let's say no, you care.

The elves are dressed in love, and the angels are in shame.

The sugar floods are rationed, their stockings are in pain.

Good night, London.

We love you.

Thank you very much.

You've been wonderful.

Good night.

Derek Smalls has pretty much always been one of my heroes, you know.

I guess about... I was about 19 when I got this here.

Hey, hey, hey.

A little sporty job.

On base, Nigel Tufno.

On base, David St. Hummings.

On base, your obedient servant, Derek Smalls.

And accompanying us are Skull's new best friend, Jill.

She smokes too.

If you've got too much of it, shake it!

The

push-up, the sweet of the push-up, that's what I said.

The loose of the waistband, the deep of the quicksand, or so I have read.

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.

I like to sink her with my big torpedo.

Big bottom.

Big bottom.

Talk about bumpcakes.

My girl's got them.

I leave this behind.

Big bottom.

Big bottom.

Big bottom.

Talk about bumpcakes.

My girl, she got them.

Big bottom.

Big bottom.

Drive me out of my mind.

How would I leave this behind?

Big bottom.

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.

I like to sink her with my pink torpedo.

Big bottom.

Big bottom.

Talk about bumpcakes.

My girl, she got them.

Thank you very much.

Thank you ladies of the Royal Ballet.

And thank you London, we love you.

Good night.

Big bottom.

Big bottom.

Talk about your bumpcakes.

My girl's got them.

What?

Does that get to you at all?

What?

I'm wet.

What a pleasure this has been.

What a homecoming indeed.

Thank you for welcoming us with open arms.

We've been away a long time.

Are you gobbin' on them?

Oh.

We've been around for a long time.

Nothing, no thrill has ever matched this one.

We thank you all for making it possible.

Bless your heart.

We do have... We do have one final word for you.

Or actually it's about 110 final words strung

together in a final lyric and we hope you enjoy it.

It's not a suicide song for so many of you, writing these days.

But it's the next best thing.

In a hospital bed.

On the outskirts of town.

Lay an old grey man.

In a soiled white gown.

His hair was all whispering.

His eyes ruined.

His breath came in spurs.

From an oxygen tank.

The nurse hovered near.

And so did the reaper.

But which... Had the number... To his... Private beeper?

Shall he lie there forever?

With a tube up his nose?

And his pee-pee and poo-poo.

Slipping out through a hose.

Or... Shall he be released...

To float... Towards the light?

Like a wee...

Baby dogling...

Or a really... Good... Kite.

It's too late... For healing...

Put an end... To the pain... That we know...

He is feeling... His life... Is his burden... His death is... Is right...

And sent him... Off gentle... Into that good love...

May the dance of peace...

Be released...

So that they might fly... Free... Forever...

And...

Fuck the dance...

Goodnight... Thank you London...