Original subtitles

All right, you know how we play this game.

Then I didn't explain it any further.

Come on in.

Oh, hi, Oscar.

Hi, how are you doing? Hey, what are you doing?

I'm watching the masquerade party with Richard Dawson.

There was a message at the station you wanted to talk to me. What's up?

I wanted to tell you some good news, but you didn't have to come down here.

No, it's okay. What's the good news?

You're not going to believe this. I was just picked to co -host a series of talk

shows with Richard Dawson.

What is that?

What's what?

BBB. What is that BB? Oh, that.

That's just a police emergency call. Go ahead.

Aren't you going to answer it? In the middle of your story?

If I answer it, I'll have to go in. Now, come on, finish up.

Oh, well, Richard Dawson and I are going to co -host ABC's Wide World of

Entertainment. See you in about a week.

Could you talk faster, Oscar?

Well, we're going to do a show about sports. We're going to do a show about

magic. We're going to do a show about new talent, things like that, see? Does

Felix know?

Hurry up. No, see, he doesn't know that I'm co -hosting. He knows I'm co

-hosting. He doesn't know who I'm co -hosting with because he just found out.

Will you stop with the fingers?

Is that it?

That's it.

Oh, thanks for hurrying it up. Listen, you may have saved someone's life.

Congratulations, Oscar.

These things are such a nuisance.

Nag, nag, nag.

Are you eating crackers on the sofa?

Look what he's doing.

What are you watching?

That's the great part of Richard Dawson.

He's going to co -host a show with me.

Who is? Richard Dawson.

Richard Dawson? Richard Dawson Fett.

What kind of reaction is that?

That man ruined my life.

I'm going to enjoy working with them.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Look, I still don't understand why you're mad at Richard Norton. I don't

talk. You ran over my foot. And he ran over my life. I'm very upset about it.

All right, maybe if you talked about it, you'd feel better.

Come on.

You know that when I was in the army, I was stationed in England.

Yeah, that's where you developed an allergy to fog.

That's right.

I was in special services.

I was in the educational division.

I had a real career going in army training films.

You had a career in army films?

Are you kidding?

I wrote, directed, and starred in How to Take a Shower.

Talk about typecasting.

I revolutionized the sex hygiene film. I was the first one to use the line, men,

don't let this happen to you.

That was yours?

Absolutely. Everybody stole that line. The Nazis used it. The Japanese used it.

Every army used it. Except the Israelis. They changed it to serve your right.

Anyway, I branched out. I began to do camp shows. I was really big. I did my

songs. I was a showstopper. Absolutely.

I was good. I was really good.

And then I picked up this partner, this nowhere British lieutenant.

Richard Norton. You...

Yes, I picked him up out of nowhere. I taught him everything he knows.

He rode on my coattails for over a year.

Then a producer saw us and signed him up for a USO tour. I was shipped off to

Greenland. I ended up doing jokes for Eskimos for two years.

That's a rough audience.

You kidding?

Try to get laughs out of an audience that's fishing.

I still don't understand why you're mad at him. What did Dawson do?

Because I started him off. I gave him everything he is he owes to me.

So what do you expect?

I could have been one of the greats. It could be these blue eyes that are back.

But you have brown eyes.

Whatever.

But I just never got a chance. Oh, say, lovey.

Some are winners. Some are losers.

Some give. Some take.

Dick and I are doing a whole show on finding new talent. You want me to ask

to let you undo your stuff? No, no, thank you. I will not be beholden to

I'm buried now, and I'll stay buried.

Okay, suit yourself. However, if it should come up without being pushy, I

like pushy, but... Yeah, but suppose he says no.

Then be pushy.

Uh, Bill? Can't you watch someplace else, Murray?

Where? I don't have a TV set in my patrol car.

And the one at the police station got stolen.

Can't you watch at home?

I can't go home. I'm on duty.

There's a magician out tonight.

All right, I'll watch for a little while with you.

I love magic.

Felix, don't tell the guys, but sometimes I like to pretend that my

is a magic wand.

And my patrol car's a pumpkin.

Watch the show more.

of the sports section of this show, and now I'd like to introduce my co -host,

who was gracious enough to let me appear with him. A great, warm welcome for our

great comedian, Richard Dawson.

I see the fish died.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the world's greatest magician. Will you join

Nice welcome, Mr. Mark Wilson.

Absolutely empty. Now, help me pull the cloth over. All right. I've always

wanted to help you.

All right.

Over the box. Down the sides.

Okay.

Now, let's revolve it. Once around.

Been going around with this guy for three months.

There we go. All right. Now, here comes the magic. Okay. One, two, three.

Greatest trick you've ever seen in Oscar.

You are going to help. All right?

Let's get this off. Come right over here.

Behave yourself, Oscar.

Just recline on this board. Right here.

Okay? Put your head up there. Okay. All right?

Good. Fine. Make yourself comfortable.

Yeah. I feel like I'm posing for a nude centiphone.

Here we go.

Now, watch.

What are you going to do?

There's a ladder under your feet.

It's coming out.

You're on one ladder, Oscar.

You're kidding me. Now watch this.

What's happening now?

Now here comes the hard part.

Up!

What's the in -flight movie?

You're floating in the air.

Third floor lingerie.

Traffic on the George Washington Bridge, light and moderate.

That's sad.

Let me have a safe landing. I promise I'll never lie anymore. I'll help you

the dishes. I'll do everything, Mom. Please, let it be a safe landing.

We're getting here ready, yeah.

About, just about down.

There he is. Hey.

Listen to Mark Wilson, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Mark.

Hey, Texas.

Isn't that amazing?

Boy, if he could just float the dollar.

Something I have to tell you now. It's like playing dirty pool doing it on the

show. What? But we have a mutual friend.

What, the little blonde at reception? I've seen her once. No, no.

Felix Unger.

What? Felix Unger.

Felix? I used to do an act with a guy in England named Felix Unger. That's the

guy. Oh, good. We used to do camp shows for the troops.

We were the worst act in the world. The most horrible act in the history of show

business. Was that bad?

Bad?

finished the show one night, General Patton came backstage and slapped us

Twice.

That's not true.

We had a wonderful act.

Where are you going?

To pick up the gauntlet he threw down.

He's so tidy.

Let's hear it for Wanda.

We've got one minute. I want to thank you. You made it easy, Dick. You've been

delight. Stop the bus. Stop. I demand equal time. Let me in. Here we are.

like Felix Unger. Oh, hey, hold it. Let him in. Please, let him in. Ladies and

gentlemen, my ex -partner, Lieutenant Felix Unger.

Put it there, pal.

I wrote this in the cab on the way over.

Dear Mr.

Dawson, I take umbrage.

As a retired captain...

of the famous 20 -second training film, Platoon, I say we did not have a rotten

act. At least, not my half of it.

I demand that you allow the American public, Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch, to

the way 12 ,000 Eskimos did.

That's easy.

We're taping tomorrow, right? Yeah. The new talent show.

How would you like to be on the new talent show? You're on. All right, and

off. Good night, everybody.

Good night. Good night, everybody.

You can't see me.

Hey, you ready, Phoenix? How are you?

We're ready.

But this is our big finish.

Well, I just have to audition this act, okay? Be right with me. Go ahead,

darling.

Where are you, Mabel?

I told you we'll have to get a smaller partner.

I'll make good the way they did before.

But I love the act. I love the way he was standing. You won a quarter. It was

marvelous. Thank you very, very much. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

That was good.

I got a lot of acts to see. Show me what you've got, okay?

Where's Dawson? Well, he's going to be late, but just go ahead anyway.

Well, you know that Dawson and I work together.

Yeah, but he's not going to perform with you tonight.

I know that. That's why I brought Murray along.

Murray's going to be Dawson? That's... No, no, no. The mistake I made was in

giving Dawson all the funny lines, all the yuck. That's what made him a star.

So I'm going to do Dawson's part and he's going to do my part. Yeah, I'm

to play straight to Felix. He's going to do all the funny faces. Okay, here's a

list of our faces.

Hi,

ladies and gentlemen.

Well, we're going to take a little walk down one of America's very ordinary

streets and see the kinds of people we run into.

Hey, there's an Indian.

Hi, are you an Indian, sir?

How?

Do you live on a reservation?

What do you do on the reservation?

Make them arrows.

For hunting?

No, for one -way street.

Indian bitch.

Well, now as we walk along, we see a farmer. Hi there.

Howdy, bub. You're a farmer.

What kind of farmer?

Potato farmer.

Everybody in these parts, potato farmer.

What kind of crop do you have this year?

Oh, terrible, terrible.

Rained all the time. Rain, nothing but rain, rain.

Then the tractor got loose, ran all over the place.

What'd that leave you with?

Hundred acres of mashed potatoes.

What'd he say, Murray?

Hundred acres of mashed potatoes.

That's what I thought he said. You can't do this kind of stuff.

Why? Are you crazy? It stinks, that's why.

This is good stuff. How can you say a thing like that? Is this what you did in

the service? These hats are funny, boy. Not on television today. Can you do

anything else?

Well, I've got my song. I've got my showstopper. All right, what song? What

it? Laugh, Clown, Laugh.

That's great. You got two laughs and a title. That's more than you got the

act.

Don't do that. Anything.

I will go home and rehearse it then. All right. Bring the box.

I should have played the Indian.

I'm sorry, Emily. Hi, Richie.

How'd everything go? I've seen some nice acts. Good.

Felix did a routine that drove me crazy. It was the hokiest thing I ever saw.

Are you going to tell me about it? I finally convinced him to sing, though.

Great. That he can do. He can sing. What songs are you going to sing? Laugh,

Clown, Laugh.

Laugh, clown, laugh. What's the matter?

What's the matter? It's a disaster. That's what's the matter. Didn't he do

in the service? Sure he did. He did it that night in England when Patton came

and slapped both of us.

What are we going to do? Cut him out of the show?

There was a way we could just make it such a smash.

I'd like to do that too, but I don't know. Maybe.

Maybe we can.

Who's this?

It's the next act.

Who is it? He's a bee trainer.

have a nice surprise for you and I want you to introduce it. Oh, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce a great friend and a great

showman from the USO by way of Greenland, my dear friend, let's have a

welcome for Felix Unger.

Life is a play and we all play a part.

The lover, the dreamer, the clown.

The dreamer and lover are always in tears.

The clown spreads sunshine around.

The life with a smile is the life worthwhile.

So clown till the curtain comes down.

Even though you're only make -believing laugh, clown, laugh.

Even though something...

Inside is grieving laugh clown.

Laugh clown.

The world is a masquerade party.

And we all have our own masks to wear.

The rich man pretends he is happy.

And the pauper pretends.

He don't care.

My mask is all worn out with tear drops.

And at night when it's placed on the shelf, I may make the world think I'm

married, but I can't hide the truth from myself.

So no matter how much it may hurt, I must keep on acting, acting, acting.

He didn't suspect a thing.

You've forgotten we're on tape. He's going to go home tonight and watch

It doesn't matter. We weren't on camera. He was on a great big close -up all

alone. On ears.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present an act that I discovered and

I'm very proud of. Ladies and gentlemen, The Aristocrats.

But the one who keeps my heart singing is a million miles from my arms.

I may make the world think I'm merry, but I can't hide the truth.

So no matter how much it may hurt, I must keep on acting.

laughing at me there for a while. I don't know. Then at the end, they went

crazy. Well, you just warmed them up, see? Is that it? Yeah.

They really did seem to love me there at the end. Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

I don't know. It's a strange thing. What, did you set it up? Did you tell

was an orphan?

Oh, no.

Tell me.

Wounded war veteran, only had six months to live. Why, why, why? Yeah, cut it

out. Of course I didn't do that.

They really were crazy about me, weren't they?

Yeah. Why?

What? What?

Please, don't get mad. No, no.

Well, Richard and I were afraid you were going to bomb with the song. I was

afraid of the same thing. So at the end of it, when it was over, we held up

signs and we queued the audience to yell bravo and applause.

Behind my back? Yeah, when the song was over, she said, door prizes and bravo

and applause and everything. You bum!

Who told you to butt in?

I could stand up there in front of the...

Yeah? And they'd throw rocks at me, wouldn't they?

That's what I was afraid of, buddy.

I've had it.

I've learned my lesson.

I have no business being a performer.

I'm too sincere.

Takes too much out of me. No.

I'm better off just as I am. I'm a photographer.

Let Dawson be a performer. We each belong in our... It's a wonderful song.

it is a good song. I can sing that.

You know what happened?

Did you hear what the accompanist was doing?

He was dragging it.

Even though you're only make -believing love.

That's not the way to go, you see. It should be done with a little bit more

heart, a little bit more spirit, you know what I mean?

Even though you're only make -believing love, clown, love. What do you say?

Fat.

Who made this cheese?

Plastics of America?

Hey, Felix, is he all right? He's not mad? No, no, he's not mad. We had a long

talk about everything. But there's one thing I can tell you. What? He's out of

show business forever. He'll never perform again.

Oh, that's too bad. He's so gifted.

Yeah. Left, clown, left.

Well, it's our loss. Hey, Dick!

Dick!

Look what I found, our old...

I want you to see that our act wasn't so bad.

What do you want us to do? The vaudeville number?

Yeah, go in the kitchen.

Murray, can you play this? Come here, look at this.

Let's take a glance at it.

As soon as we get in the kitchen, give us a bell number. Okay.

Hat.

Haze.

Trunk.

Trains.

That's the way it was in vaudeville.

Soft. Chew.

Soft. Chew. And then we went out front and made you kill.

They loved us in the teeth and they loved us in the thick. We didn't mind

vegetables but when they threw the bricks.

Oh! Laughs! Ha ha!

Drowns out!

Tang!

Towns! That's the way it was in Vaudeville. I say, I say, I say, I say,

seats. I'd rather like your... Oh, sure. Well, thank you. Hmm, do you prefer it

to a henway? A henway? What's a henway?

A plump one about eight pounds.

Scranton and Canton, Salina, Medina, Detroit, and Beloit, Kankakee, New

That's the way it was in vaudeville.

The Maranac, Saranac, Staunton and Taunton, Altoona, Laguna, Ratul, Yes, I

that's the way it was in vaudeville.

Jack was a dilly in Cleveland and Philly. We wrapped them and brought them

Troy. Boy, oh boy, what a joy. They went batty in old Cincinnati. They screamed

in Moline, Illinois.

We had them in Chad and we smashed them in Ash and we killed them in Wilton. We

raved in New Haven.

Hold it.

New Haven?

Yes. And that's the way it was in Baltimore.

Listen, every son and daughter. Ain't you glad that you have bought a ticket

a good old bar?