Original subtitles

The longer, you've really held up.

Mildred! I forgot my key.

Who? I was expecting Mildred Fleener.

Who's she?

Mildred Fleener, my best girl in high school. I've told you about her.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she called. She's in town. She's coming over to

visit. I haven't seen her since high school.

How do I look?

Terrific. Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth.

Do I really? Yeah. Really? I'm telling you, why would I lie?

I really do.

You're so nervous. I'm nervous? I thought she was happily married. Oh,

no, nothing like that. Nothing.

Well, she was voted cutest girl in school. I was voted cutest boy.

Oddly, we came in third for cutest couple.

Tell me. Tell me the truth.

Have I aged?

You really want the truth?

No. Okay.

Mildred.

Tiger.

Oh, Mildred.

You're still the cutest. Oh, so are you.

I want you to meet my roommate, Oscar Madison.

Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I was born with Beth Dress in my

school.

Oh, sit down, Mildred. We've got champagne.

Oh, I love your place. How do you keep it so clean?

I am a man who comes in every night.

Excuse me a minute, please.

Mildred, you haven't aged a day since high school.

And neither have I.

Right? Right, Tiger.

You don't have to say that.

Remember what I wrote in your high school yearbook?

There's nobody cleaner than Mildred Fleener.

Remember, I signed him the little tiger's paw.

I always had that crazy sense of humor.

Mildred, I just can't.

You make me feel like a kid again.

Oh, oh, that reminds me. I have to make a phone call. Yeah, yeah, sure. I won't

be long.

We both look great.

She says I haven't aged a day since high school.

She's probably right, Tiger.

She always called me Felix the Tiger.

The other kids called me Felix the Cat.

Why, because you were clean?

Once the other kids tried to drown me.

Good night, Kathy. And don't forget to brush your teeth.

How old is Kathy?

Oh, she'll be three next month. Oh.

You got a three -year -old daughter.

Oh, Kathy's not my daughter. She's my granddaughter.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh!

Oscar.

Oscar.

Oscar!

Wake up.

I want to talk to you, Oscar.

Why aren't you telling them, Mildred?

We called it an early evening.

It's not good for elderly people to stay up late.

No matter how cute they are.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

She's a grandmother.

You told me, you told me, you told me. I'm a month older than she is.

Felix, please, I gotta catch a plane tomorrow to Boston. Will you leave me

alone?

Oscar, today a waitress called me popper. Would you get out of here?

Thank you, Oscar, for being so sympathetic in such a... Is there

your throat?

Get a glass of water.

No, no point in wasting good water on me.

My life is over.

There's nobody cleaner than Grandma Fleeter.

At least when he's coughing, he's not sighing.

You couldn't sleep either, huh?

What a God with God.

You're wearing a sport jacket.

I couldn't find my bathrobe. Look, because Mildred cleaned it with her

grandmother, Felix, that doesn't make you old. No, no, but this does.

Why? Snow on the roof.

You got dandruff?

It's gray, gray, look.

Yeah, I don't see any. Of course you don't see any. I combed my hair down

it, but it's there.

Oh, a couple of gray hairs. It looks distinguished.

I'm Cary Grant. It looks distinguished.

I'm Felix Dunger. It looks like you're ready to order, pops.

Trust me, it's terrific.

No, it's not.

I've got old eyes.

I used to read like this, like a normal person. Now I read like this.

In five years, I'll have to be a gorilla.

Why don't you use your glasses?

I always forget where I leave.

Remember when I used to remember everything?

What was that?

You want to talk seriously? It's the middle of the night. I've got to get

sleep.

Oh, no, no, no, no. This is hard to talk about, Oscar.

When I was a little kid, you know what I wanted to be? Oh,

from the first moment I held a camera in my hand, I wanted to be a film

director. I wanted that so much to be Hitchcock.

Well, why don't you do it now? Why don't I do it? Yeah.

Did you have dreams when you were a kid?

Yeah, sure. I wanted to be another Hemingway. Oh? You know, go to those

places, do exciting things, and write about it. You never did it. No.

Why don't you do it now?

Now? I can't do it now because it's... Because?

Because? No, because it's... Because you're too old. I'm not too old, son.

are, and I know I'm not. Look at that vein in your forehead. Stop with the

in my head. And you don't stop talking about these depressing, boring things.

I'm going to send you to the old photographer's home.

Oh, you make good coffee.

Murray, I've asked you here for a reason.

I want you to witness something.

You got the right guy, Felix.

I'm a policeman. I'm trained to witness.

I want you to witness I'm revising my will. Why are you revising your will?

I could go any day, Murray. I'm not a spring chicken anymore.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I, Felix Alex Unger, being of sound mind and adequate body,

hereby declare this to be my last will and testament.

To my beloved ex -wife, Gloria.

Poor, dear, sweet, foolish.

I could cry like that.

Oh, boy.

Was it something I said?

Hurry up. I called you an hour and a half ago. What took you so long?

Those steps are murder.

Oh, come on in here, will you?

Tina, get Louie, will you? What's the hurry? What's the big hurry?

I'm going to introduce you to some people that are going to make you

the way you've been behaving.

Louie Manini, say hello to Felix Hunger.

Oh!

68 years old, 39 years, never missed one day's work. That's good. That's good.

At night, he goes home. At the work, jogs seven miles. And I also lift up

weights and look for communists. Good, good. How about that?

Wait over there, will you, Louie? Strong. You haven't seen anything yet.

Mamie, come in here.

Mamie Atkins, 71.

One year's young.

Can't get her to retire. Stays on the switchboard all the time. And that's not

all. Hit it, Mamie.

And I'm the daughter of Rosie O 'Keefe.

You don't have to dance anymore. That's what I mean. You don't have to dance

anymore. No,

you don't have to dance anymore. Thank you.

Oh, it's great. Thank you.

So much energy. I couldn't stop her.

Why didn't you tell Louie she's a communist?

You're going to make jokes.

Now I'm going to show you somebody really going to make you ashamed.

Seventy -four years old. The engineer on our presses.

On weekends, he's a nightclub comedian.

Okay?

Sonny, say hello to Felix.

Good evening, ladies and Felix.

Hello. How do you like the jacket?

Very nice.

Mo hair? No, Mo Levy.

My wife said you're driving me to my grave. I had the car out in two minutes.

She spends all her time in a beauty shop. The other day, she got a mud pack.

Should have waited for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She says, make me look like Barbra Streisand to pick up a brush and broke

nose.

Oh, please, don't you see? Never forget my wedding night. I will remember to put

my pants in bed and I hung over a chair all night.

What was my wife dressed up the other day? She's wearing hot pants and all the

beauty cues.

Thank you very much. He's gone. It didn't work. It didn't work. Thank you

much. I tried.

I got to go up to Boston. I just flew in from Boston today. Boy, my arm's tired.

I was in Montreal, Toledo, and Boston all in two days.

Wow, what a backbreaker.

You know it. No wonder you look like the wreck of the Hesperus.

Thanks a lot.

Listen, none of this is getting any younger, you know. Age has got nothing

with it. Well, ten years ago, Oscar Madison was... Oh, different story.

we got a telephone message.

Rhoda Zimmerman called you. She wants you to call her tonight.

Tonight? Yeah.

I'll call her about Wednesday, I think.

Maybe you better sit down.

I'll get you a cup of tea.

You know, I feel like a cup of tea.

a shadow on the screen.

Stand up, Murray. It's your nose.

I'll get some tea. Anderson passed away.

Ed?

Frank P.

I don't know him.

How old?

Ninety -three.

Left a widow.

Conklin. Who?

Conklin. Conklin.

Flies. Did you know?

No, no.

He didn't live around here. Ah.

How old was he?

Fifty -two.

How did he go?

Got hit by a bus.

I gotta get going, guys. I really do.

Thank you, Murray.

You've been a good friend, Murray.

Bye, Murray.

You know something?

You guys make me sick.

Yeah, both of you. Look at you.

Sitting there like mom -pa cattle.

Gotta be arrested for impersonating the elderly.

Marie, would you move the TV set?

Marie, would you get the tea?

Marie, move your nose out of the way.

This nose has got more energy than both your two faces.

I am fed up to hear what you got.

Now, you want to see what a guy looks like back to his own age and walking

a spring in his step?

Now I'm really depressed.

Why? Being told off by Murray? He's right.

You know what you are.

I don't believe what I'm hearing. You're the one who's telling me I'm old.

We sit around, we act old, and so we feel old. So what are we supposed to do?

go out. We act young. How do you act young? Well, you go where the young

go. Where do they go when they want to have fun? I don't know. Tina says she

goes to a place called the Electric Egg Plant.

Where is that, baby?

Tina!

Hi, Mr. Madison, Mr. Unger.

What are you doing here?

Oh, we dig the scene. Yeah, yeah, we can dig it.

Can you introduce us to some of your friends?

Yeah, yeah, right.

Wait just a minute. Okay.

Girls, we want to meet some really nice guys.

Yeah!

Okay.

I... You gotta be kidding.

Oh, come on, do me a favor. My boss and his roommate.

And they're really nice guys.

Well... And they're harmless.

All right, sure.

Oh, come on.

They dig us.

We're all the ones who meet two swinging heavy dudes.

Mr. Unger and Mr.

Madison. Call me Oscar.

Just call me Ace.

Hi, Ace.

Hi. And listen, I'm going to let you all just join the party, I guess. Right on.

Okay, Tina, thank you very much. See you tonight.

Oh, may we? Yes, come to the chair.

Come to the chair. It's really groovy.

Oh, what are you dudes into?

Well, he's a writer.

A writer? Wow, that's heavy.

You're heavy.

That's what they call a heavy Oscar.

Thanks, eh?

Oh, what are you writing?

Well, I can talk. I can talk.

I'm a sports writer for the New York Herald. The Herald? Yes. Oh, that

establishment newspaper?

Don't you feel you're prostituting yourself at all?

That paper has no social conscience.

Yeah, well, no consideration for the poor and oppressed.

Well, I cover the mix.

What's your bag?

My bag? Yes.

I'm in the old photography bag. Oh, do you work at the Herald, too?

Oh, no, no.

I freelance, no.

I do picture stories on...

The struggles of ethnic minorities.

Right now I'm doing a layout on the miserable and the diseased.

Oh, that's fantastic.

You got them, eh? She got them.

What are you girls interested in?

Self -awareness. What's that?

Raising our consciousness and getting in touch with our inner emotions. Oh, wow.

Oh, like wow.

Wow.

You kids really know how to have fun.

How do you raise... your consciousness. I mean, you stand on a chair or

something.

What a cool sense of humor.

You're cool.

You're cool. Cool Oscar.

That's what they call me. Cool, heavy Oscar.

Hey, what's your sign?

My sign?

Yes. Pipey. The fish.

Witty, urbane, sophisticated.

Long -winded.

What's your sign?

Torrid. Oh, the bull.

That's Oscar the bull.

That's what they call me. The cool, heavy bull.

Oh, is that cool.

That's great.

That's heavy.

Like, wow.

Well, look, guys, it's been real, you know? But, like, we gotta go. Come on.

no, no.

We're just all getting it together in one bag.

No, we'd really like to stay, but we gotta go to a Hoshina meeting.

Hoshina? What's that? It's this new religion. A bus driver turned us on to

yesterday.

Tonight we go back and take our sacred vows.

Hey, do you want to come?

Huh?

What do we have to do? Just shave our heads.

I think we'll pass on that.

Hey, well, listen, why don't you just come to the party later? Yeah.

Do we have to shave anything?

Oh, look, it starts at 2 .30. 2 .30 tonight?

Sure, just catch the number 23 bus right up the street. And the bus will take us

to the party? The bus is the party. Oh, and don't forget to bring exact change.

Later. See ya.

Laters, Bill. See ya.

That's what I've got to do until 2 .30.

Well, 10 o 'clock.

You want to dance or something? No more dancing.

I can sit here and groove to the music.

I'm not going to groove for four more hours.

Why don't we go home, set the alarm for 2 o 'clock, and get a nap?

Felix, I'm not going to get up in the middle of the night to catch a bus to

a date with three bald girls.

Why not?

Felix.

Tell me the truth.

Did you have a good time talking to these girls? Oh, sure. I got into some

raps with them. You got into some heavy baloney with them.

Do you have to be such a pony when you're with Miriam? Well, that's a

story. We have the same interests. We go to the opera. We go to the family.

And when you talk to her, do you feel old when you talk about these interests?

No, of course not. Well, I don't feel old when I talk about the things I'm

interested in. Now, tell me the real honest -to -God truth.

Didn't you feel old hanging around these people?

Yes.

You want to look like him?

Let's go home.

Hey, baby.

I am not a baby.

I'm a man of mature years who doesn't happen to look it.

And you should wear underwear.

What now? What? You know, we learned an important lesson tonight.

We're not old.

We have mellowed.

Like fine wine.

We must learn to accept ourselves as we are and like ourselves as we are.

That's what maturity really means.

Accepting yourself for what you are.

You woke me up to tell me that?

No, it's two o 'clock. It's time to go to the party. Oh.

Am I closer?