Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Association for the Advancement of

Commercials and Advertising, I would like to welcome you to the 10th Annual

Award Dinner. As you know, each year we honor the best commercial with this

trophy, the dink.

Named in honor of our father of modern advertising, Sidney B. Dink.

Who in 1855 revolutionized our infant industry with his slogan,

you want to buy this?

Hi, Felix.

Murray, what are you doing here? I just finished a report for a car accident

down the street.

Nobody hurt, I hope. No, I'm fine.

The patrol car will be fixed by tomorrow.

Hey, did you get your award yet? No, they've just done it.

Where's Oscar?

He's not here.

Oh, late again, huh? Good old Oscar.

No, he's not coming.

Lost his ticket, huh?

He tore up his ticket and threw it in my face.

Oh.

He said I was a low, despicable, vile man, completely devoid of morals,

and scruples.

Don't feel bad, Felix. You know how Oscar is. He gets mad and eats that

thing.

The only difference is that this time he's right.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I did a terrible thing, Murray.

You want to talk about it? You could tell me. I'm your friend.

I broke the law.

Make the law longer!

Oh, that's a good story, Felix.

I'm like a coil spring.

Go ahead.

Tell your story, citizen.

Well, this whole mess began about six months ago. I took a photographic

assignment at the Fataway Diet Pill Company.

I know you and Felix have been awfully good to me, but I really went out of the

contract.

All right, Ben.

Let's look over your hill and... Let's

look over your hill and see where you stand.

You went out of the contract you just signed, right?

Yes, I did.

As they say in Paris, France, uh -uh.

Does Felix know about this?

No. Then I don't want to know about it either.

Hello, Mr. Uber. Hi, Felix. Here's your one o 'clock appointment.

Well, how's my favorite cousin?

Oh, not too good, Felix. Oh, what's the matter?

You're all upset, aren't you?

Relax, relax. Everything's going to be all right.

Here, have a taffy.

The before picture came out absolutely great.

Is it all right if I cover this concept? Sure. Look at this.

Look at that. Every chin in perfect focus.

I can't wait till you take off the weight and we take the after picture.

Felix, I give you four bells for that shot.

Four bells!

Wow! It's a crying shame we can't use the picture. Why not?

Ask your chubby cousin here. He doesn't want to lose the weight with my pill.

Ben, why?

Oh, he's got a chance to get into professional wrestling. Gonna call

Super Fat.

Super Fat? What is it, a joke?

No. I gave your little cousin Dimples here $3 ,000 advance. He spent $2

,500 of it on sequined leotards.

Ben, oh, shame on you.

Well, I could be a contender, Felix.

Oh, you're going to prison for this, Lardo.

I'll fit you into a towel.

Prison? No, let not be hateful. Ben, let me talk to Mr. Hooper alone.

It's not too far from Adman to Madman, you know.

You're the best cousin my cousin ever had.

Here, have another tat.

There's been a problem in the family ever since he was this big.

to tell me about fat. I'm a former fatty.

I worked hard to lose this waistline. Then you should have some compassion.

Felix, the ad is due in the printers tonight. I've got a board of directors

waiting to sit on my bell.

Either you find another tubbo fast or your cousin becomes the fat man of

Alcatraz.

I've got one. I've got one. Got one what? I've got a fat guy for you. Well,

where is he? Right here.

Fat guy in your wallet? Yeah, yeah. Two bells for the fat guy in your wallet.

Look.

Now that's championship chub.

That's the way I used to look. Who is it? That's my roommate, Oscar.

You mean you live in the same barn with this thing? No, no, that was taken eight

years ago. He's lost a lot of weight.

Well, he's one of us now. Yeah, yeah. Well, why do you still carry this

with you?

For laughs.

I show it at parties.

You're really a good friend. Oh, yeah.

He loved it when I teased him.

Well, if he's thin now, how can we use him?

Simple. We use this picture as before.

Then we take a picture of him as he is now for today.

That'll be the after, see? It's simple.

That's totally dishonest, isn't it? We can't do that.

I like it.

But is it ethical?

Oh, sure it's ethical. A lot of people do it. Then we'll do it. Sure. We'll get

your roommate on the phone and have him sign a release.

Oh, I can't. He's out of town.

I feel like a rat in a maze.

Butting my head against walls.

First you bring your fat cousin in here, he quits on me, we decide on your

roommate, and he's out of town.

You're going to drive me to food.

As soon as he gets back, I'll talk him into it. I can talk him into anything.

He can have the $500 your cousin left over.

For $500, he'd pose naked.

This is a family pill.

Let me see what took place here. Let me run it through my computer.

He's going to use the cousin. He's too fat. He's not fat. He's going to go.

Want to use the roommate? He's okay. He's out of town. We'll use him anyway.

Going to have the 500 extra? I did good. Five bells for me.

Oh.

Oscar. Oscar.

Oscar.

301 pounds of butter.

All of it potato chips.

Devil guy, welcome home.

How was San Francisco?

I think I got trolley latched.

Where's your luggage?

I didn't take any, except socks, that's all.

You didn't take any luggage to San Francisco?

Well, I was only there for two days.

Did you at least take a toothbrush?

Of course, of course I took a toothbrush.

Will of the West. Look at this. A warning from Blanche's lawyer.

$280 back alimony if I go to jail. I got your favorite.

Cookies and ketchup. Sit down. Relax.

Dip away. I'll get you a beer.

What?

What?

What is this?

What's what?

That's a blow -up of an ad I'm working on.

Felix, under those glasses and mustache, there is me.

That's you all over.

Felix, what is this old photo of me doing in this ad?

It's all over New York. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Next week.

Felix, no next week. I don't want the whole world to know that once I look

Moby Dick.

Moby Dick, that's right. You're something. I want an explanation, Felix.

Isn't that just like you? You're so predictable.

You come in, you see that picture, and you want an explanation.

I tell you, Oscar, the things that happened to me, I should write a book.

Isn't it interesting how the most complex things in life turn out to be

You know my cousin Ben?

Ben? Yeah, Ben. You know Ben the Ben? Well, don't mince words.

The beach ball.

Anyway, if we don't use that ad, Ben goes to jail.

Sounds reasonable.

Why didn't you ask me before you did a thing like this? Didn't I try?

Why don't you tell me where you're staying out of town?

Yes.

I'll give you three words.

Trust me, please.

Felix, 19 words. I'm never going to do it. If you dance the bolero on my nose,

no.

That was 11 words, but I'm not counting that you're mad.

It means a lot to me. It's very important. It means a lot to me that

this photo.

This happened when I got my divorce. I was upset. I ate a lot. I mean, I got

fat. It was embarrassing.

I mean, I didn't wear glasses and a mustache for nothing.

No. Either you kill that out or I kill you. You understand?

Oh, my God.

Just tell Mr. Hooper you don't want the money. Again, money. You didn't mention

money before.

As far as the American Royal mentioned, but you didn't mention money. What are

you doing?

Don't put my name off. That's like meeting my mail. That's because Oscar

must be familiar.

There's money in here.

Is it $500?

Yeah. Just for being the old colossal here? Yeah.

What's the catch?

No catch.

You mean that's all there is to it? Yeah.

Well, besides that, I have to take a picture of you now, and that's after.

before and after.

Oh.

Why doesn't it sound honest to me?

Isn't that funny? It didn't sound honest to me either at first, but it's

absolutely ethical. Lots of people do it. And it is a good product. That's

important, it is. All right. Look, I'll go along with that, but I don't want to

do anything dishonest. I don't blame you.

Okay. Look, can you keep this off the books so I won't have to declare it?

Hey. Got your message? It came right over. Oh, I've got good news. I've got

news. Yeah? Yeah? First, the bad news. What?

Advertising committee sending a man named Doyle over to make sure our ad

fraudulent. But you said a lot of people do it.

Well, of course. That's why they're trying to stop it.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. I knew we'd get in trouble.

I knew it. I knew it. Just try to help somebody.

I've been such a good boy all my life.

Felix, the investigator isn't concerned about the magazine ad. He isn't? No.

What am I carrying on for? He's concerned about the TV commercial.

What TV commercial?

The one that you're going to direct.

Me?

Oh, boy, I'm going to direct a TV commercial. That's the good news. Give

yourself a bell. Oh, wow.

Yes.

Our magazine ad was such a smash, we bought time in every TV station in New

York. A TV commercial? Yeah.

We'll use a different model then, huh? Oh, no, we'll still use your former

roomie. We've already got billboards up saying OM's coming to TV.

Well, how can we do that?

He's not fat anymore. He's one of us. I won't do it.

Felix, how's it going to look? The investigator's on his way over. We

commercial. Not too kosherini over.

Boy,

this is my water game.

We're in big trouble. Relax, Felix. I've got it all figured out. I've got a

great idea.

I love it. How many bells? No!

Don't touch my bell.

Not unless I give you permission.

Give this to us.

Oh, no.

He'd never do this in a hundred years.

There's another 500 in it for him. At this price.

Wrong color?

Who needs a tie?

Play it again, Sam.

Hi, Felix.

Hi. Like it?

Hard to believe, isn't it? You can get a fit like this right off the rack?

Only $29 .29.

Too loud for you? You don't like it, huh?

It's clean.

That's the important thing.

I'm glad you like it. I got a blind date with a swinging stewardess tonight.

She'll be here in about an hour. Here? Yeah.

Who fixed you up? The travel agent. They'll do anything to get you to fly,

know. Oh, you dirty guy.

Yeah. I want to tell you how I thank you for that money. It came at the right

time. I paid all my bills. I got this beautiful jacket.

Well, I had enough left to... Well, get you a little... Oh, come on now. You got

to accept it. Come on, will you? Oh, that's very, very...

Isn't that different?

Too nice to wear.

Well, Santa isn't dead.

My name again on an envelope?

Money.

I can't believe it. $500?

Mr. Hooper at Fataway said he thought you deserved it.

Again, I don't have to do anything?

One little thing.

Give me back my tie.

be shy. This is ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. Now come on.

It reminds me of when I was really fat. Now, I'm going to go change. Look, you

took the money, didn't you?

I'll stop laughing.

The man will be here, the investigator.

It's only for 30 minutes. 30 minutes is too long to look like Mount McKinley.

There he is. Now, go on.

Put it on.

Big smile.

Think fast.

What do you want to do, Kingston?

Hello, Mr. Hoover.

Hi, Felix. Let's get this over with.

Step up and meet our model, Mr. O .M.? Yeah, Mr. Doyle. Why don't you go take a

hike around him?

Okay.

Is he in any condition to make a judgment?

The best possible condition. I took him to every bar in town.

Four bells for El Dranco.

Nothing phony about this guy, huh, Mr. Doyle?

He's got his own zip code.

I'd like to see Evel Knievel jump over him.

Would you mind taking off your coat?

Ah, Mr. Doyle, how about a little trip to the well, huh? Right down the hall.

Oh, no, not that kind of well.

This, this well.

Here you are, Mr. Doyle. How about in the glass this time? It'll be unique.

Okay. This way, come on.

Oh, that must be my date, huh?

Hello? Hello, I'm Ann.

Come in, Ann.

Nice to meet you.

to take this blind date. I meet so many kooks and weirdos, you know. You look

real straight, Mr. Madison.

I'm straight as an arrow, and I'm not Mr. Madison. You're not? No. This is Mr.

Madison.

Oh.

Hello.

Hi.

My friend said you were quite a guy.

And I'm cute, too.

See, I'm not really this far.

Oh, well.

That doesn't really matter as long as you're not a cuckoo bird.

No, no, no. I'm not a cuckoo bird. And see, I'm thin. I'm wearing a fat suit.

A fat suit?

Yeah. Wait, I'll show you. I'll show you my real chest. Put it back. No, I

can't. I've got to show it. She thinks I'm fat. No, I'm not fat. I want to show

it. Excuse me. I've got an unscheduled... He's really a fat man.

you want to see my real stomach?

Goodbye, weirdo.

Why do you always act crazy in front of girls?

Mr. Doyle, you've seen him walk, you've heard him talk. We'll be on our way now.

Why, you don't even have to be here tomorrow when we shoot the commercial.

that's too bad.

You got the well? Yeah, I've got it right here.

Good work. Four bells.

That Hooper is a real weirdo.

He's a real weirdo? I'm walking around here dressed up like Dumbo with a bow

and he's a weirdo?

I've never been so humiliated in my life. I'll never see that girl again.

Take it easy, big guy. Don't call me that anymore.

Now, what is this thing about a commercial that Doyle was talking about?

Nothing to get excited about. When you talk like that, I really get excited.

Now, what is it? Nothing, nothing. It's a little 60 -second thing we're doing.

No, no, we're not doing it. No, I'm not doing it.

$500? I don't care. I wouldn't do it, no. For $500? No, I wouldn't do it for

nothing. Are you listening to me, Clayton? Am I a dignified man? What's

to do with anything? Perhaps even bordering on the stuffy. Way over the

I'm the kind of man who takes pride in his dignity, right? So?

I'm grumbling. Look at me. I'm on my knees.

Ben will go to jail. I'll go to jail. You'll go to jail as an accomplice.

of tunneling out with Ben.

All right.

What are you learning about? If you could see what I see, you look like the

Goodyear blimp with a hat on it.

You ready?

Oscar, are you standing by?

Crew, give me your attention.

We're working with a very inexperienced actor. I don't know if he's got more

than one real take in him. So we're going to rehearse this on film.

All right.

Position.

Two cards a little higher.

Roll them.

Action.

Hello.

I'm a dramatization of a doctor.

I've been called to the home of Mr. O .M. of the Bronx.

A meticulously well -kept place, as you can see.

I'm here on behalf of the Fataway Diet Bill Company, the company that offers

relief to this man and others like him.

In three months, through the miracle of Fataway, this person will become an

individual instead of a group.

I wonder, do any of you... Have these problems.

Do you have trouble touching your toes?

Are you unable to raise your hands?

This could cost you your life in a hold -up.

Is sitting down a problem?

Is getting up also a problem?

Are you embarrassed to tap dance?

When was the last time you tried a cartwheel?

If you have these difficulties, try Fat Away.

Watch for Mr. O .M. in three months when he will touch his toes, sit, dance, and

cartwheel his way into your heart.

And cut.

Goodness, that's over. One more time, fellas. He blew it. What?

He didn't do the cartwheel.

I'm going to kill you.

Take five, crew.

That's a great story.

I'm really quite touched. Ladies and gentlemen, and now in the category of

best new product commercial of the year, the nominees are... Hagmeyer's Easy

Flow Ketchup.

And now the winner of the best new product commercial of the year.

The winner is a Fataway diet pill.

I'm proud of you.

Accepting the award, Mr. Lyle Hooper, president of Fataway, and the director

the commercial, Mr. Felix Unger.

Mr. Unger, this is yours, I believe.

Thank you.

We at Fataway feel honored.

This is just round one in our fight against fat. Thank you.

Ditto.

No, no ditto.

I don't deserve this. I'm a fake. I'm a fraud.

O .M. is not really a fat man.

He's got a bit of a pot, but not 300 pounds worth. I used trickery and guile

deception to get him to do that commercial. It's a very good product.

helped thousands of people, but that doesn't justify what I did. I don't

your applause, and I don't deserve your dink.

Oscar, you came.

I've been there all the time. I didn't want you to see me. I knew you couldn't

accept that award.

Oh, Oscar, you're a real friend. I don't know how you put up with me, all the

things I make you go through. I'm so sorry. I promise you, I'll never

you again. Will you forget it?

You're a buddy.

Listen, one thing. What?

Sunday is my little boy Leonard's birthday. He's having some kids over.

Would you get into the fat suit and come to the party? The kids would love it.

Really, they would. Would you please get such a laugh out of it?