Original subtitles

The weather is clear and the track is lightning fast. In just a few moments,

horses will be approaching the starting gate.

It's a fine day here on Long Island. Not a cloud in the sky, and 52 ,000 of the

faithful that turned out to see a truly great field go a grueling mile in one

quarter. You and I'm listening to that!

Really? Nobody just listens to a horse race.

You bet money on the race, didn't you? Just a few hours. Yeah, sure.

How can you do it? Give me the radio. How can you do it? All the money you owe

me. I'm going to shoot you, please. You just wait. Just wait.

Oh, not the book again. Please, not the book.

Money's Ode by Madison to Unger. Volume 2.

Will you cut it out?

1969, $418.

Please, please.

1970, $255.

And who could ever forget 1971?

Here's a real biggie.

$812.

That was the year my son Leonard couldn't go to camp.

He got plenty of sun, didn't he? I took him to the racetrack twice a week.

And you owe Leonard $40.

And now we come to 1972.

Felix, I know exactly how much I owe you. $1 ,480. I'm going to pay you back

every penny today. Sure.

And chickens have licks.

Are you going to listen to me?

Will you get out of the way?

It's a radio.

Ladies only and fluky. Noses apart.

At the eight ball. It's fluky.

One head over ladies only. Ladies only and fluky. And they're coming to the

finish line, and it's ladies only.

Ladies only. He won. He won. He won a 40 to 1. He won. He won a 40 to 1. Now let

me see. There we go. What are you doing? What are you doing?

You can mock me paid in full, chicken lips.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, Mac!

Hey!

You snuffed, sir?

Yeah, a table. When is it going to be ready? We're starving.

In a minute, monsieur.

That is so classic. Either way, you're doing it. When I want a table. All

enough suspense. What's the big surprise you brought me here for? Well, the

surprise is the guy I'm going to introduce you to is going to make us a

millionaire.

Does this have anything to do with horses, perchance? As a matter of

Goodbye, Oscar. Will you wait a minute? This is not the first time. This is

three out of three winners. Now I'm sure. Oh, now you're sure. I've got a

the racetrack that's giving me inside information.

Really? Like that 82 -year -old gypsy who could see horses in the tea leaves?

Did she ever give you one winner?

No, but she was right about the earthquake in Peru, wasn't she? I just

get a bed down in time. I wish I could get a table. Hey, the minute is up. May

have a table, sir?

Oh, your honor.

Right this way, monsieur.

Monsieur. Oh, thank you, monsieur.

Thank you.

Monsieur.

What is going on? I've got to get a table.

snapping and calling like that? What am I supposed to do? You have to smear the

guy. Give him at least two dollars and you do it subtly. I know how to do it

once I know what the procedure is. Hey, buddy, here's three dollars. How about a

table?

This way, monsieur.

To the bar?

You're getting closer.

Felix, what are you doing there? Come on.

I'm ashamed to be singing with you.

I'm at the bar. I got closer.

I don't want him to notice me.

Harry,

I like you to meet my roommate, Felix Nunga. Felix, I like you to meet Harry

Tolman.

How do you do, Mr. Tolman?

You must be a jockey.

Well, I tried to be, but I was too small.

Yeah, he ain't kidding. See, I wrote an article on him called Shorten the

Saddle. And that article got me a job as an exercise rider.

Thanks to Oscar. So that's why you're giving him tips, huh?

We're trying to keep it a secret.

Harry, I want you to tell Peter. Those tips you gave me now, were they luck or

were they short things? Tell him.

They won, didn't they?

See? I mean, he's got a knack for horses.

He works them out in the morning. He knows they can run six furlongs. One,

three, one, twelve.

We're going to make a fortune.

Shh. Don't worry. We're going to be careful. From now on, we'll use our

Okay, Harry?

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.

Well, I think I'll go.

So long, kid.

Now you met him. Three out of three winners.

You want to risk your money? No.

My mother didn't raise her children to be suckers.

Okay, suit yourself.

You're keeping this rave, are you? Finally.

Yeah, you go ahead, Felix. I'm stuffed.

Chateaubriand. Thank you, monsieur. Thank you. Oh, that looks terrible.

Oh, wait a minute. Whoa.

Yes, sir?

That's the way you serve a steak. You call that well done? Oh, so sorry, sir.

mean, with a little care, that could have lived. A little care could have

Monsieur,

I will tell the chef immediately to burn the fresh steak for you. Thank you very

much, Emma.

Oh, that's lovely.

Le Chateaubriand, monsieur.

Put a little caviar on one of the crackers for me, will you? Oh, sure.

Do you want me to get rid of this creep, Mr. Madison?

I'm his roommate.

Yeah, it's my roommate. Leave him alone, nut. Oh, I'm just protecting you from

the leeches, baby.

That's all. I never see it. Wait a second.

I want you to meet my entourage.

Hello, entourage.

Hi there.

Oh, well, it'll be. Quail egg, pate, caviar, it's all on me.

It certainly is.

Can I talk to you, please?

Oh, yeah, sure. See you later, okay?

I don't forget.

I'll meet you all 10 o 'clock tomorrow morning at Tiffany's. I know you love

I know you love me. They love me.

What are you doing?

I'm living out my fantasies.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Don't you realize that he who calls the tune must pay the piper?

What are you going to do when the golden goose dies?

They'll serve it to me under glass.

What good is all this doing you? You're blowing it as fast as it comes in.

That's impossible.

You see this here? See that mold right there?

You mean you're making so much money you have to carry a gun?

It's not a gun. It's more money. I can't lose. I got a gold mine.

The only thing missing is I'm not sharing all this good fortune with my

friend. Well, I have an entourage, too.

Blood? Sweat and tears.

I work for my money.

Today wipes out a lifetime of losses. I am in the black for a lifetime.

You mean that you've won more in the last week than you've lost in your whole

life? Now you got it.

Including your bets on the St. Louis Browns? Yeah.

And Thomas E. Dewey? Yes.

And all those white heavyweights? Every penny of them.

And you're proud of that, aren't you?

That you're making money without lifting a finger.

Doesn't it bother you that decent people like me have to work for a living?

No. Well, it doesn't bother me either. I want to be with you.

Number five.

All right. Two heads of lettuce, vinegar, and a lot of oil. Right. Got

-bye. What's that about? Lettuce and oil? That's Harry's secret code, and

it is. Fifth -rate pork salad.

Isn't that wonderful?

Yes, it is.

What are you doing? Well, I'm so rich, I'm going to burn all my old clothes.

What's this pile?

That's my new clothes.

Felix Unger does not simply invent.

He gets involved.

I want to learn the horse game from the Fetlock Cup. All you have to know is ask

me who's going to win. I'll tell you, and then you bet on it. Winning. I

understand it.

What do they mean when they say play and show?

Oh, come on, Felix. Everybody knows what they mean when they say play and show.

You can't mention it in the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Place means when a horse comes in second. Show means when it comes in

Well, what's the difference?

Well, it means you can get paid if your horse comes in second or third.

Your horse can finish third and they give you money?

Yeah. Oh, but he's got to finish just a teeny weeny bit behind the winner. It

doesn't matter. He can finish 20 lengths behind you. It still doesn't matter.

He's still getting paid.

Your horse can get beaten by 20 lengths and they still pay you?

You don't win as much if you bet a horse to come in third. If you do, bet him to

win. Ah, yeah, yeah. What else do you want to know?

Everything. The horses, the jockeys, the tracks. I'm a clean slate, Oscar. Right

on me. Oh, come on, Phoenix. I don't have the time.

I want to get a bet on tossed salad.

Now, you want to bet with me? Yeah, it's a four to one.

Now, what does that mean?

Four to one. That means for every dollar you bet, you get four that back.

Ah. Okay, good. I'll do it. A dollar.

A dollar?

You can't bet a dollar. I'll risk it.

No. I'm sorry. You're going to have to go all the way around. is at least $2.

All right, I'll go all the way. It's $2.

You sure that's all?

Well, this is my first time.

Then I'll be gentle.

Hello, everyone.

Oscar. Yeah.

Fifth race, course salad.

I want $202 to win.

That's right, $202.

Is it $2?

From Felix the Greek.

Yeah, bye -bye.

That's my code name, huh? All right, your bet is in. You got $2 to win.

To win? No, no. It should be $1 to win, and then 70 cents to play,

and 30 cents to show.

You call Erwin and explain it to him.

Peter, hurry up, will you? The race is going to start any minute.

What is that?

It's my lucky sweater.

I wore it all through grammar school. It won me the spelling bee.

The potato raisin at the picnic, and I was wearing it when my skin cleared up.

See my name there?

Cat? And they're off.

Coming out of the gate, it's a music lad, a silver oak, a neck of thyme,

G, a rabbit house, and a salad.

Oh, no, no, no. It's early, it's early. You mean we still have a chance? Of

course we have a chance.

Come on. What? Come on.

The sweater isn't working. Come on. Take it off me. Take it off me.

It's working. It's working.

If he doesn't win, I lose everything.

Yeah, you blow the whole $2.

Now he makes his move. You call yourself...

Maybe you shouldn't do this anymore. You get too excited. Are you kidding?

400 % on my investment in a minute and a half.

And to think, all these years I've been squandering my savings in a bank.

And for what? A lousy 5 % in a free water fix.

What are you doing? I'm taking my money away from those robber barons.

Why should I risk my savings on blue chips, mutual funds, treasury bonds?

I've got a midget named Harry!

I'll take them all, please. Put them right here.

Here's $50.

Thank you.

No smoking!

That's Tchaikovsky, isn't it?

Enough of that sentimental tripe.

The next time you see me in here, please play Bach and Bach only. Thank you.

Voilà, monsieur.

Chateau Flaubert, 1953.

A magnificent little wine.

That was very good. How do you do that?

Oh, monsieur.

Thank you. Thank you, monsieur.

Don't beg.

Ah, monsieur medicine.

What would you like to eat? Just give me the usual, will you?

One venison and an onion roll.

A lot of mayonnaise, huh? Well, how else would one have it, monsieur?

Hey, that's a terrific jacket, buddy.

Thank you, monsieur. Thanks to you.

The traffic over here was murder. We've still got a half hour. Harry called me.

I've got some good news in the fifth rate. Go ahead. He told me that the

favorite's been sneezing all day. It means our long set has a better chance.

want us to double up our bet. Great. I've got even better news. What?

We did so well in the daily double that we have completely wiped Irwin out of

the business.

He was here in half an hour ago and made his final payoff.

He's out of the business?

Isn't that wonderful?

No, that's terrible.

Who are we going to make the bet with now?

You know plenty of bookies. Yeah, but nobody I would trust with a bet that

large. Then what?

We'd better get to the truck. We've got to go to OTB.

What's that?

Off -track betting. The city will be our bookie. Why didn't we bet with the city

to begin with? Because Irwin is the better risk.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Oscar, I hear you're doing great.

What is it? You got some inside info?

Oh, no. Now, you know I don't cover the horses in my column. Oh, you must be on

to something if you broke away.

No, I just happen to be a little lucky, Stig. That's all.

Well, I'm going to watch everything you do so I can bet right along with you.

Felix, we're in trouble.

What? What? They know I'm hot. They're going to bet on the horse I bet on. I'll

knock the odds down. I'm lucky if we can get even money. Then what do we do?

I'm going to bet on another horse.

We'll lose all our money.

I'm only going to bet $20 on my horse. You're going to make the big bet on the

real horse, rings and things. Aha!

Rings and things. Rhymes with jingling. Rings and things. But you're not with

me. You're not with me. You know something, right? Hey, Oscar.

I hear you're getting it on the inside. Oh, no. Oh, thank you very much, sir,

for letting me read your paper. My pleasure, stranger.

Just a little touch of southern hospitality.

Very nice of you, sir.

Hope I run into you again sometime, though I don't consider it very likely

because I'm very seldom in this part of the country.

Enough, Colonel.

You know what you were telling me about the selling window? This is it. Ah, I

understand perfectly.

Perfectly.

Come on, Oscar. Who's going to win? Who's going to win? Well, fellas, I'm

to bet on Tanglefoot, but I wish you wouldn't go with me. I mean, I've been

going sour.

Well, well, looks as though we're neighbors, stranger.

You still betting that same horse? Who's the master bettor?

Still using that same system?

What system? What system?

I don't see how closing your eyes and sticking a pin through a program can

However, as they say in my part of the country, One man's chicken is another

man's gumbo.

Take it easy, mister. You ain't going no place.

to my old system. Find out who you're betting on and then go against them.

Closing your eyes and poking a program.

Tough luck, strangers, but those are the breaks of the game, aren't they?

Well, if you're ever down to my neck of the woods, I hope you all drop in and

we'll split a pot for me, yeah?

What? Well, I'm a happy man now. I finally made it as a jockey.

I'm going to ride in Panama.

Oh, great.

Congratulations. You can give us great pitches as a jockey. I don't know any

Panama bookies.

Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.

I hate to let you down like this. What do you mean, let us down? Listen, you've

been so terrific to us. I want to thank you for everything you did, and I want

to tell you I wish you the best of luck there in Panama.

Thank you. Oh, I almost forgot. If it means anything to you, Yellow Angel is

running in the third.

Yellow Angel in the third.

I didn't write him, but he looks real good.

Thanks for everything, Harry. Thanks, Harry.

At last, I'm a jockey.

I feel five feet tall.

Yellow Angel in the third. It's a sure thing. No, no, I didn't hear Harry say

sure thing. Third, third. What are you doing?

The odds are 12 to 1. We can retire for a little bit. I didn't seem excited

about it. Where's...

Oscar, this isn't Oscar. No, I may have walked him. I think I turned into a

chicken. We have 25 pounds of money in here. At 12 to what? It'll be 300 pounds

of money. Oh, but the penthouse. Oh, the terrace, the pool, the billiard room.

All right,

all right, all right.

But let's take some of the money. I'll put it aside for something we really

need. Then we'll bet the rest, okay? Okay.

Five dollars for stocks.

inches.

It's a nose, Felix.

They call it losing by a nose.

How can they tell from those pictures? All cameras distort.

You're probably right, but it can't change a thing.

bump him. Even if he did, it doesn't mean anything. The jockey didn't tell

We could tell them. And what happened? Right, they call everybody up, all the

winners, and they say, listen, there's been a mistake. Give all your money to

Felix and us. Yes, yes, I can do that. Why not? They just don't. Will you stop

already and put yourself together?

I don't know how you can take things so calmly.

You have a whole briefcase full of money now.

We had a great time, didn't we? We had a marvelous time.

What a sense of ruining what we should have done.

You're right.

Maybe it's better this way.

We're getting just a little bit crazy with all that money. We were so close.

was just in the palm of my hand. Please, listen to me. As a gambler, listen to

me. You could run this over in your mind a thousand times.

Oh, I should have done that. Oh, I should have done this. Why didn't I do

Why didn't I do this? All of it means nothing. All the talk doesn't mean

anything. Because here's one thing for sure.

There is no such thing as a sure thing.

That's why they call it gambling.

You're right.

What am I so miserable about?

We had a wonderful time, didn't we? We sure did.

We're not out of anything. We're just back where we started.

We made a lot of money. We had a wonderful time.

Two inches.

I cured myself.

I got over it. You can't seem to do it, can you? I at least got over the

gambling fever, but you're still hooked.

You don't care what happens to you, do you? You don't care how humiliated you

make yourself.

You'll do anything, won't you?

You'll do anything for two dollars.

All right, go ahead, do it.