Original subtitles

Pick up your jacket, clean up your room, eat your broccoli, wash your hands, not

in the kitchen, do it in the bathroom.

Where'd you get the picture?

Don't you remember?

He gave it to me when I let him move in with me.

Can I have a shot?

Yeah, aim for his sinuses.

Oh, I got his chin.

Oh, by the way, here are your tickets.

Tickets to what?

Theater tickets.

The boss said the off -Broadway critic is ill.

For something to get well caught.

No, you have to cover the opening of the new play tonight.

Oh, I'm a sports writer. I'm not a theater critic. Tell him I'm not going

it. You tell him. You're my secretary.

It's his paper.

It has to be in by midnight.

Midnight. And he says you better give it your best shot.

What does he think, I can't do it? I'll write a review. I'll knock his socks

off. Like you did when you reviewed the flower show?

What was the matter with that?

They smell good.

Well, they did.

I never saw a mockingbird that laughed at a painted dog.

A musical fable by Bryce Longfellow.

I can't even understand the ticket.

It's all I need, more aggravation.

I'll write a bad review and then he'll fire me.

I'm gonna find a sucker that I can con into doing this for me.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You know, Phoenix, I was looking fondly at that thank you picture you gave me,

and I thought, all the things you do for me, you cook for me, you clean for me,

all I do is complain and make trouble for you. I'm not going to do it anymore.

I'm going to appreciate it from now on.

I don't know what to say.

You big galoot.

Don't say anything.

Just let me sit here and hate myself.

I'm going to stop making up right now. Look, I got tickets for us for the

theater tonight. Oh, I can't go.

Why not?

I got a date with Miriam tonight.

Where are you going? You know us. We're the now generation. We don't make plans.

We go, baby. We swing.

Well, she's leaving tickets for an opening tonight.

Yeah, well, as I said, I got a date. I can't go.

Hey. Why don't you take Miriam with you? Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't. Let me do

it for you. Then I won't hate myself so much. Please, buddy.

I'm so ashamed. You're a real person. You know that?

I want you to enjoy yourself and look at everything very closely. I want to

share it with you. I'll tell you all about it when I get home. And make sure

come home before midnight. Why?

Well, it's very dangerous out there after midnight. I worry about you.

You're a pussycat, you know that?

Hey, hi there. Call Miriam and tell her. Okay.

Eat your broccoli. Yes.

You spilled something on your tongue.

Use your napkin.

Eat your dinner. It's going to get cold.

11 .30, where have you been?

In the theater.

The show broke two hours ago.

So, we went out for a bite to eat.

Who said you could go out for a bite to eat?

Just told you you couldn't go to the theater. What's wrong with you?

I paid for the food.

Listen, how'd you like to play?

What do you mean?

It's a quarter to twelve, and I want to talk here.

Well, come in.

Do you think it's fair?

Hmm? A man spends years writing a musical fable, and you go... I mean,

think you ought to embellish it? Shouldn't you have more respect for the

Respect for the artist? Yeah.

Last time I took you to the theater, you went... to Helen Hayes.

Well, a man can change. I love her now. I want to get some culture. Will you

tell me about it? Well, I thought the part of the alcoholic nephew... Yeah?

It's very well portrayed by Werner... Werner who?

Werner Klemperer.

Werner Monroe.

Werner who?

Werner Smith.

Werner Smith?

All right, now the drugstore's closed.

I want to know all about the play, and I want you to sum it up in one paragraph,

and fast.

One paragraph? Yes.

Well, it's like Oklahoma.

Only it uses symbolism to tell the story of American growth.

Oklahoma symbolism. I particularly like the use of six dwarfs to represent New

Jersey, all the cities. Six dwarfs in New Jersey. I thought that was very

clever. Trenton got two standing ovations.

Trenton, six dwarfs in New Jersey and Oklahoma. The scenery was... Was what?

what? What was it?

Striking. Striking theme. Striking theme. The lyrics were saucy. Saucy

Saucy lyrics. And I thought the acting had both verve and panache. Thank you

very much.

Good night, fella.

Coming, Des.

Yeah, hi, Frank. This is Oscar.

Yeah, I just got back from the show.

Well, I stopped to have a bite to eat.

Okay, here it comes.

Oklahoma moves.

Saucy lyrics flowed from Bryce Longfellow's pen in what may prove to be

surprise hit of the season. The acting had verve and panache.

Panache.

What are you doing?

Just reading a theater review.

You've already read it eight times.

I know, I love it.

It's so well written.

I know.

want to talk about it i said i could do it i proved i could so i don't want to

talk about it let's drop it okay mr madison's office yes sir

it's the boss yes mr williams well thank you very much sir

well i'm glad you yes i'm very glad yeah but

yeah but

Whatever pleases you, sir.

Thank you.

Do you love it?

So much. I'm going to be doing it for the next three weeks until the regular

critic gets back.

Oh, boy, am I proud.

A theater critic.

Now I can hold my head up high at the water cooler.

What's the matter? Up to now you were ashamed of me?

by to take you to lunch. You too, Werner.

Great. Well, I wanted to thank you for those wonderful theater tickets last

night. Oh, well, don't mention it.

Did you go to the play with Miss Dan?

Yeah, well, he didn't go. I took Miriam.

Boy, am I hungry. Let's go, huh?

He didn't go to the theater? No, well, I think he's sorry because he asked me a

million questions about it. Was he interested?

I just remembered we have a lot of work to do.

You just said you're hungry. Well, I am hungry, so why don't you go down to

Kelly's? You order for us, okay? And then we'll be down just in time.

Are you mad at me? No!

Somebody's mad at me.

What are you

looking at?

Feet of clay.

Feet of clay.

Leave me alone. I was death grip.

What are you going to do? Keep sending Miss Donger to the theater for you? Why

not? He loves it. It's dishonest.

Why don't you tell him the truth? Ask him to help.

Are you crazy? and get one of Felix's famous three -hour lectures?

Pride goeth before a fall.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

And then for his big finish, now I know your true colors, Oscar.

And then he ends up not doing it anyway.

No, sir, this is going to be our little secret now.

Okay. Okay.

You know, Miss Dem, I've been typing up your column for five years, and that's

the best thing you've ever written?

your theater tickets for the season. Say, I, um, I'm not so sure I want to go

the theater tonight.

What are you talking about? You love the theater. Yeah, but every night for two

weeks in a row. It's only for one more week, that's all.

How come?

Well, you know the guy who's been giving us the tickets?

Yeah. He's dying.

Who knows how many more openings you're going to be invited to, you know what I

mean? Yeah, I guess you're right.

Yeah, I...

I have seen some good shows, though. Oh, you sure have. Like that one that

opened Wednesday night.

The musical version of the Lewis Schmeling fight.

It was really good.

I thought you hated that.

Well, I've been thinking it over. There was one song in there that I liked a

lot. My Glass Jaw.

It was really good. I liked it. Too bad the show closed.

Well, what's the matter with you? You liked it? Why didn't you say so?

I'm saying so. No one asked you something.

Who is your off -Broadway critic?

This column is never signed.

Well, he doesn't like publicity.

He's a shy... Well, he shouldn't be. He is... This man is... Remember last

night when I came home, you asked me what I thought. I said that I thought

show was pathetic.

I called it stale, flat, and unprofitable. Listen to this.

Last night's effort was regrettably pathetic. To me, it was stale, flat, and

unprofitable.

A very perfected... Yeah, well, you like him because he agrees with you. That's

all. Well, that's good enough, isn't it? Yeah, well...

I'm going to go save, okay? You need your answer. Oh, yeah. Listen, I'll make

sandwich. I'll eat it now. What are you doing?

Not when you live that way.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry. Oscar's busy right now. Could I take a message?

You want his review in by 11 .15 tonight.

All right.

Had a phone call.

Take a message?

Yeah, yeah.

Who was it?

Your editor.

Ah! Hey,

cut yourself, huh?

What do you want?

A little change in plan.

Huh? He wants your review in by 11 .15 tonight.

You want to hear a funny story that happened to the newspaper too? I know

happened!

I thought you could make some extra money by conning your roomie into doing

reviews for you. Money had nothing to do with it. Oh, Felix, you're not getting

extra money for this? Yeah, I'm getting a little bit. No, see, the editor asked

me to do it. Then it became a challenge. I had to say face with the paper.

Oh, Oscar, pride goeth before a fortune.

Here comes the lecture.

Felix, I was only supposed to do it once. But my first review was so good...

wait, excuse me.

Your first review? Okay, your first review. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they asked

to do it three times for three weeks.

Well, how could I say no?

Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Will you cut it out? It wasn't easy for me.

Trying to make coherent paragraphs out of your opinions. Excuse me.

My opinions are incoherent? That's right.

This from a man who leaves a sandwich on the soap?

It's a clean place, isn't it? You used me, Oscar.

You picked my brain. Oh, now.

your true colors.

Okay, now you had your big finish.

Oscar, why didn't you come to me and tell me the truth?

Would you have done it if I did?

No, I would not. That's why I gave you another look at my true colors.

So you gave your roommate that hokey story about doing him a favor, huh?

Well, stop the gravy train.

Here's where little Felix gets off.

From now on, you can sling your own hatch, starting tonight.

I review this thing by myself.

A revival.

Homulus the Mute by Gene Annullo.

Now I can't even pronounce the ticket.

Why don't you just go to the opening tonight like all the other reviewers?

Why does it have to be Homulus the Mute?

Why couldn't it be damn Yankees?

All right, Felix. Come on, let's put our cards on the table. How much money you

want to write this review?

Oh, boy, are you crude.

Okay, I'm crude. I'm desperate, so I'm crude. I don't want to be laughed off

paper. Top toenails.

Okay, I'm beaten. I'm beaten right now.

I'll call the paper. I'll confess everything. Knock it off. Yeah, six or

years, maybe I'll be able to live it down.

But I'll tell you one thing that I really regret.

The paper not getting your reviews. Nobody gives reviews like you, Felix.

Tell it to the Marines.

You should see the fuss they made over every one of your reviews. Get in it,

please. Yeah, the publisher himself called me to congratulate me. He said

reviews reminded him of George Gene Nathan.

That's very interesting. I patterned my style after George Gene Nathan.

I don't want to see you lose that power. Yeah.

Hang on a minute.

What power?

Oh, come on, Felix.

Surely you know now that your word is law that you are now a tastemaker?

I'm a tastemaker.

You have the power of life and death.

Well, that's terrible.

Why?

That show that opened Wednesday that I didn't like until Saturday, it closed

Thursday.

I put 37 actors out of work. Yeah, but you did it so beautifully.

What about the show you reviewed two weeks ago, 100 actors?

That's still running because of your review.

Yeah? Sure. That's what, 37 actors from 100? You're 63 actors ahead.

They even put your review up in life. Bright and Bouncy, New York Herald.

Really? Sure.

That's my Bright and Bouncy? Of course it is.

But that's not very ethical, is it?

Isn't that defrauding the public?

Well, see, that'll be our little secret.

What do you say? Come on, Mr. First Nighter.

Oh, you know me. I'm a sucker for art.

All the world's a stage.

And all the men and women merely players.

And I can put them all out of work.

Ah, you were the last one to come out of the room. You did it for me.

Forget it. I had to go to the bathroom. Tell me about the play.

Well, it's essentially a... Oh, one what? One what?

Look.

It's Doc Simon.

Neil Simon, the playwright. Oh, Doc Simon. Oh, that's me, Simon. Neil Simon,

playwright. Doc Simon, everyone who knows anything about me calls him Doc

On the ground, just hang on.

Let me hang it right on here. Just one.

Shh. You know, I'm right there.

What's going on in here?

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, you've got my pen. You've got my pen. It's on the bed of the play. Don't

tell me about the play.

That's Doc Simon.

What are you doing here?

I'm writing some Sunday articles on theater.

That way, after the regular guy comes back, you and I will still be in the

paper. Your reviewing days are over. Why? What's that?

Why?

The paper wants me to appear on television as their representative on a

discussion about theater.

That's a great idea.

Are you crazy? I can't go on there. I'll make a jackass of myself.

That's right, you would.

I'll go on for you.

How good would that do? Remember, my editor knows what I look like. I just

to call the paper and tell everybody the truth. What a rotten break. Just when I

was getting hot.

Look who's upset. I'm going to be the laughingstock of the whole paper

No more opening night.

No more bright sound.

Who would have thought my song would end?

Cut it out.

Light bulb.

You got an idea?

What is it?

Are you desperate enough to go along with the stupidest, worst, silliest idea

ever had?

Do I have to wear a dress?

No. Then I'll do it.

Good evening. My name's John Barber. Welcome to this week's edition of Speak

Out. Tonight's topic, theater in America, where it's been and where it's

We have with us this evening some of the most widely read critics in the

country. They are, in my immediate right from New York Magazine, John Simon.

To John's right, the nationally syndicated critic from NEA, who also

doubles as an actress, Joan Crosby. And to John's right, from the Los Angeles

Times, the astute theater critic, Dan Sullivan.

To my immediate left, from the New York Herald, Oscar Madison.

And to Mr. Madison's left is his dentist.

Dr. Felix Unger.

Uh, Doctor, if I understood you correctly backstage, you said this

had to remove all of Mr. Madison's back teeth?

That's right, John.

Mr. Madison can only mumble, but trooper that he is, he insists on being here,

so he will mumble his insights to me and I will pass them along to Mr.

and Mrs. Front Porch. Oh, thank you both, Doctor.

I would like to begin with, uh, John Simon. Ah!

Uh, John... Where would you say...

theater stands today in relation to the rest of the media?

Well, there's no doubt in my mind that for most American people today, theater

has been completely superseded by film.

How can you say a thing like that?

Nothing will ever replace theater, as Mr. Madison says.

The immediacy, the enlightenment of theater, people will come back to that.

Well, true, but I think today's audience finds more of that immediacy in

television. Television?

How can you compare theater, how can you compare Gomer Pyle with Olivier?

Pardon me, we have to take a brief break right now for our first commercial.

We'll be right back.

Come back, we think we could hear some of your...

I'm wiping up the floor with those. Felix, what's the matter with you? It's

supposed to look like I'm the one that's doing the thinking. I'm going to.

These squares don't know what they're talking about. Felix, if you say one

word that doesn't look like it's coming from my mouth, I'm going to remove all

of your back teeth.

Five seconds.

On the air.

Welcome back to Speak Out. Joan, what would you say is one of the most

significant developments in recent modern theater?

Well, for one, I think seeing Brando in Streetcar revolutionized... How could

you say a thing like that?

Theater is not revolutionary, my dear John. Theater is evolutionary.

Brilliant point.

Yes, but a great event like Streetcar... That's your idea of a great event? Yes,

yes, it is. You probably went over his body. Well, what do you expect? You give

a woman a column? That's what's going to happen. Mr.

Madison.

the rudest, most backward man I have ever met. If you will forgive me,

gentlemen.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Look, Mr. Madison, do we have to drag personalities into this? He's right. I

came here to talk about the theater. Theater?

You call what you've got in Los Angeles theater?

Yes, I call that theater. It's good theater. I cover it, and I'm proud of

think I'm going to join Miss Crosby. Of course, of course. Thank you. Mr.

Madison, I'm not surprised to find your perfect boorish clog.

I've read most of your reviews and have found them virtually without any value

whatever.

Mr. Madison would like to meet Bob.

He says your mother wears combat boots.

Oh, John, there's no point in going on with this.

Mr. Madison, you've succeeded in insulting three of the most respected

in this country.

Hopefully, after this brief word, we'll see if we can get them to return.

Well, what do you think, huh?

I wish I'd worn the dress.

Did you talk to your editor?

Yeah, I called my editor.

Yeah? Is he mad at you?

Sure he's mad at me.

Uh -oh. He saw the show last night.

And I apologize, he's not going to fire me. Oh.

I'm glad you did the right thing.

I realize I may have gone a little bit too far. I may have said one or two

things that possibly could be misinterpreted. May have?

Possibly?

heat get out of the kitchen. That could be taken two ways. Anyway, I'm trying to

do the right thing. I've written letters of apology to Mr. Simon, Mr. Sullivan,

Mr. Barber, and Mr. Crosby. I think one more apology is due.

What's that?

One from you to me.

Of course, Dr.

Unger.

It seems to me that when one is due to the defeat, the chicanery, The

underhandedness that you used in tricking me into this entire fandango

apology is due.

Now, right, maybe you're right. I owe you an apology. I thought you might feel

that way, so I wrote it up.

You wrote a note of apology for me to sign?

Yes.

I

accept

your remark.