Original subtitles

When are my parents going to be ready?

When I'm ready. You got a hot date tonight, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who?

Double -jointed Sybil? I only took her out once.

No, I'm dating Anita.

Anita? Yeah. The Harpist. You remember her? Oh, I'm crazy about that girl. She

was the only date you ever brought here. You used silverware.

You're going to take a nice girl out like that with this tie? What's wrong

that tie? It's wrinkled.

Oh, it is? Come here, come here, come here.

What are you going to do, iron my tongue?

Yeah, you want to iron it, iron it.

That's the kind of tire wear. Yeah.

Anita's a widow, isn't she? Yeah. You know what? We get along so great. Yeah.

Felix, I really think I'm crazy about her. You must be if you ask me to iron

your pants.

Yeah. Should I iron my best man's suit?

Will you cut that out? You know how I feel about marriages. Give me the pants.

Why are you so nervous? Why are you so nervous? Because our kids are coming

from camp today and I never met them, see? I want to make a good impression.

long does it take before the zipper cools off?

Her kids will be crazy. And if they're not?

How about if the kids are not? It could ruin my whole relationship with her, you

know? I forgot that Anita has two children. Let me ask you something.

do you use a spoon to put on your shoes?

Because a fork makes four holes in my socks.

I had to ask.

You got any candy?

Kids love candy.

Oh, no, you can't buy a child's affection. You win a child.

You tell them a joke.

Oh, I had a great one about three sailors on a raft that...

You tell them a children's joke. You know what the mayonnaise said to the

icebox? No, what? Close the door, can't you see I'm dressing?

You get it? I get it, I get it. You know what children like? They like little

pieces of business. My kids used to love this.

Hope you like our show.

Oscar, he can't wait to show it to the kids.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

It's open!

Hey, Helen.

Hi, Oscar.

Guess what? I got good news for you. What? You're gonna get a chance to get

acquainted with my kids.

Well, I expected that.

But I'm not gonna be here. I didn't expect that. Where are you going?

I gotta play the harp with the chamber music group tonight.

The regular harpist brained her fingers trying to play Flight of the Bumblebee.

Mark, Laurie, Mr.

Madison's here. Leave me alone with the kids the first time. Don't worry about

it. Oscar, this is Mark.

Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you. And this is Laurie. Hello, sweetheart. How are you,

Laurie? Good night.

Good night, darling.

Now, don't bother Mr. Madison too much.

Nine o 'clock bedtime. Have they eaten and everything? Yeah, don't worry about

it. Does it have to be changed? I mean, what are you... Just have a good time.

Well, I couldn't wait to meet you guys.

Your mother told me all about you, so I know everything, you know. Except camp.

Did you have a good time at camp? What's it like?

Where'd you go at camp?

You kids ever blink?

Hey, why don't we sit down, talk? We'll get to know each other. Come on.

Everybody sit on the couch. Come on, Laurie.

Now, let us see. What are we going to talk about?

You a baseball fan?

Yeah. Yeah, what's your favorite team?

Dodgers. I'm a Mets fan, but I used to be a Dodgers fan. You know, when they

Campanella and Snyder and Robinson?

Who are they?

You wouldn't know who they were.

Laurie, what do you like? I like Robert Redford.

Robert Redford.

Me too.

And we're back to staring.

Is there something you both like together?

I like magic. Yeah, me too.

Magic? You know any magic?

No, I don't know any magic. I know a good joke. I know... What did the salad

dressing say to the icebox?

Shut the door on mayonnaise.

See, I told Felix that was a rotten joke.

Oh, I got a good thing. Wait a minute.

Oh, this one.

Here we go.

That's magic.

I made two kids disappear.

And then you take a magic handkerchief, and you wave it over your arm, and you

say the magic words, abracadabra, alakazam, long -webbed worms,

just across Fifth Avenue.

What are you doing?

Well, you know I bombed with the kids the other day, right?

Well, that's right. I went out and bought this magic kit right here.

Become a professional magician.

Learn the secrets of the great Melman.

Rapids not included.

Me too. I can see it. You pick a card. Any card. Okay? Don't tell me what it

Just pick any card. Any card.

Pick a card. Don't let me influence you. Pick a card.

There you go. That's the queen of spades.

Two of hearts.

You picked the wrong card.

This is what I like. What do you do with this? Oh, never mind. Now, listen. You

got a dollar on you. I'm going to show you a trick. It'll amaze you. It'll

you. I only have two 10s. No, 10s. Same size. Okay, now watch. I'll show you the

hand is really quicker than the eye. This is amazing. What are you doing?

worry. What are you doing? What's the matter? I'm telling you. Watch. When I

it together, it's going to be terrific. Now you fold the corners like that.

You put it in here. This is magic.

A la zami.

Watch it. All one piece.

I've got to paste this together. Wait a minute. Let me show you another trick.

You'll see it's worth it. See this?

It's full, right?

Watch this. You're going to love this.

You're going to love this. Oh, oh, I'm going to dirty your table.

to live with a slob.

Oh, it's late. No, you've got to go to bed. Come on, please. One quickie, okay?

Can you go to bed? You promise? Okay. Okay, let me see.

Once upon a time, there was a bookie named 52nd Street Irwin, and he was a

very sad man.

How come?

Because a new law had been proclaimed throughout the land. It was called off

-track betting.

All sorts of people with $2 bills would enter buildings that had green...

two doing still love. Well, I guess that's my fault. I'm sorry I kept them

Oh, go on up to bed now. I'll be up in a second to tuck you in.

But we want to find out what happened to 52nd Street Irwin.

Well, what happened was that Irwin met a guy named Oscar Madison, and he won so

much money from him, he lived happily ever after. Go to bed. Good night. Good

night, kid.

You got back early.

You didn't.

Well, I wasn't on a date, if that's what's bothering you. I was out working.

What's bothering me is you left the kids alone.

I didn't leave him alone.

I left him with Pamela. It's the same thing, isn't it? Say, where is Pamela,

the way? I sent her home.

Why? Because she's too young to be babysitting.

Oscar, that's the same babysitter I used last week. Yeah, but that was

different.

The only thing that's different is that you're getting hooked on my kids.

So? And they're getting hooked on you.

So? There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

Yeah, there is. Oscar, I've got to talk to you.

Do you know that those children moped around the house here all day today?

Why? Because you didn't call them last night from Pittsburgh the way you

promised? Oh, see, the game went into extra innings. By the time I got back to

the hotel, it was so late, I figured they were asleep.

Yeah, well, they'd waited up for you.

Oh, well, they must have forgiven me. We had such a good time. We played games

and laughed.

Yeah, but that's only going to make the hurt even deeper next time you

disappoint them.

Oscar, I know you didn't mean it, but, you know, children need consistency.

They don't really know where you fit into their lives.

The last thing I want to do in this whole world is to hurt the kids.

You mean you think it's going to happen again?

Well, if our relationship stays the same, yes.

Wow.

Well, I guess you're right. I guess we ought to break up then, huh?

Unless you could think of some alternative.

Well, I guess you're right.

Are you all right? Oh, sure, I'm all right. I'm not a kid. If the thing's

it's over. You know, whatever's for the best. I'll show you. Look.

I'll do the thing.

Hope you liked our show.

Watch me.

I finally figured out how to do the milk trick. Watch.

Oh, I had it. I had it. I had it. Honestly, I had it. How did it go?

It's all over.

What? What? What?

How come? She had a date, huh? Yeah, yeah.

And you punched the guy, huh?

He punched you. No. She punched you. No, it was nothing like that. What?

She said the kids were getting too involved with me and me with them and it

getting kind of heavy and things. So?

Why does it have to be all over? Didn't I just tell you? It's about the kids and

everything. Well, isn't there another alternative?

What?

What?

Well, what's the next step?

What? Marriage.

Are you out of your mind?

No. What are you talking about? Marriage, a girl, kids, me, and a... I

have five or six good reasons why I shouldn't get married. Now, I don't even

have one. Of course you don't, because I'm right.

You know, maybe you are.

You are right.

And that's what she meant by an alternative. I didn't even know. I got

hang -up about marriage. I didn't even see what she was driving at.

You're right, Felix. I'm going to propose to her. I am going to propose to

Oh, great. Yeah.

When? Pretty soon.

Pretty soon.

Pretty soon.

Oscar?

Come on, get up.

Hey, come on.

Oscar.

Bedding window's closed in three minutes.

Give me number three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Why are you waking me up so early? What's the matter with you?

What is it?

Were you serious when you said you wanted to propose to Anita?

Of course I was serious. Well, come on, get up. She's on her way over here now.

Why? Because I called her. What'd you do that for?

Well, you said pretty soon, didn't you? Now it's pretty soon.

Yeah, okay, I want to do it. I'll do it. All right, now you want to do this on

an empty stomach? You want me to prepare some breakfast for you? No, no, it's

all right. I got something to eat. Remember you told me to save it?

You'll make a fine husband.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oscar's getting dressed. Oh.

Oh, my, my, how nice you look.

Thank you.

Have you any

idea why Oscar wants to see you?

No, you were very mysterious on the phone.

Is it something funny?

It's something happy.

Before Oscar comes out.

There's something I ought to say to you.

I've lived with Oscar for five years now.

And I think I'm not going too far when I say that he's a perfect person.

He's kind.

He's warm. He's intelligent.

He's considerate. And he's neat?

He has meekness in him.

He really, except for his room, which is an absolute disgrace. But aside from

that, well, his clothes leave a little... What am I doing? I'm bad

best friend. I'll ruin the marriage.

What marriage?

Didn't you know that Oscar wants to propose to you?

What? Oh, I did it again, my big mouth.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, please, don't turn him down. I feel awful. Please.

He'll make a wonderful husband and a fine father.

What do you say?

I guess I'd say yes. Oh, oh, bless you.

Bless you.

But don't tell him I killed the beans because he'll never forgive me. He wants

to propose himself.

Hi.

Congratulations, you're going to get married.

Excuse me, Pete. I want to go talk to Oscar.

I am married. Oh, come on. Will you cut it out?

Come on.

My old friend Oscar getting married. So sudden. I mean, I said to my wife, I

said, Oscar's getting married.

She said, Oscar who?

I said, Oscar Madison.

He said, no.

I said, yes. Oh, will you cut it out? Where is your wife? She didn't want to

come. She said, this is just an excuse to go out and play cards.

Is it?

Oh, I'm really going to get married. Hurry.

Then it's okay to cry.

Yes. It's all right to cry, but cry over there, will you?

Hey, it's been a long time.

Hey, Oscar. How are you? Hey, you're really going through with this, huh? You

know, 52nd Street, Irwin, the bookie? Yeah. He's laying eight to five. You're

not going through with this wedding.

Well, he's crazy because I am going through with it. Are you sure, sure?

Yeah. Because I want to make a bet.

A bet?

Yeah. I haven't won a bet in 15 weeks.

Well, you can get even now because it's a sure thing.

Where's the phone? Right over there. Go ahead, bud.

Hey, Billy.

Well, how do you feel? I feel good, good.

How do you feel? I may throw up.

Give me the ring. I gave it to you. Give me the ring. You didn't give it to me.

No, I didn't give it to you. Here it is.

It's got mustard on it. I had a hot dog before.

You're crazy.

Excuse me, sir.

You must be the minister. I hope so, or I've got a very dull wardrobe.

I love a good joke.

I'm going to get my cameras. Wait a minute. You can't take pictures. You're

best man.

You said you wanted the best photographer in New York, didn't you?

I'm doing it for cause.

We got some telegrams. Oh, yeah? From who?

Well, here's one from Florida from little Joe.

Oh, that's Joe Boop. What'd he say?

He said, Dear Oscar, you getting married? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha! I

What else you got?

Well, here's one from Vinnie. Dear Oscar, getting married, is it a cold day

July? Ha -ha.

Another ha -ha.

And here's one from your mother in Europe.

Dear son, a very funny joke to play on an old woman.

No ha -ha. Oscar, you've got a reputation.

Oh, but they're only kidding. Come on, come on, it's time.

Time for what?

To get married.

Come on, let's go. Get upstairs. I'm sorry. See you later.

Oscar's awfully anti -marriage. No, he's not.

I'm not pressuring him into this, am I? No, of course not. You're not that kind

of girl. I did it.

All right, everybody. All right.

It's time to get married. So, Speed, if you'll come up here.

Murray, Murray, you'll stand right here. Everybody, if you'll just give us a

little bit of room. Everybody, the great moment is coming.

Mr. Minister, you'll stand right there.

All right, everyone.

I think we're ready.

Irwin, she's at the post.

She's rounding the banister.

And she's heading down the home stretch.

Would you be... Oh, sorry.

I'll call you back.

Could we please start again?

Would you go back to the gate?

Steps.

All right.

Everyone ready?

Pluck it, Mabel.

Dearly beloved and friends, we... Oh, I'm sorry. Can we hold in a minute? She

has to go, darling. No, that can wait.

No, no, this is an emergency. She just told me. We'll be right back.

If we're taking a break, I'd like to go, too.

Do you, Anita, take Oscar as your lawfully wedded husband?

Madam?

I do.

You, Oscar, take Anita as your lawfully wedded wife.

I do. I do.

Certainly.

If there be anyone here who objects to this union, let them speak now or

hold their peace.

I think that I had better speak.

I beg your pardon.

Well, I don't want to forever hold my peace. So, Oscar, would you talk to me

a moment, please, privately? Excuse me. We'll be right back, folks.

What's the matter, honey?

It's you. You're scared to death.

No, I was ready to go through with this.

You were praying for something to happen.

Like what?

Anything. An earthquake.

Oh, now, that's not true.

Oscar, you were pressured into this, first by Felix and then by me. You

even propose.

Yeah, but I meant to.

I know you did.

And I know you meant to try to make the marriage work. But let's be honest with

each other. I'm no more ready for this than you are.

You're not ready for this marriage either?

I was so happy to find a man who loved my children and whom they loved that,

well, I just ignored the fact that we're really not ready for this kind of a

commitment.

At least not yet.

You know, I kind of feel the same way.

You're some kind of woman, you know that?

And you're a sweet guy.

I'm sorry.

Can I have everybody's attention, please? I have an announcement to make.

you come down here?

Look, after carefully considering what we were about to do, Anita and I jointly

decided that there isn't going to be any wedding.

Oh, I knew it. It's a face.

Come on, sweetie. No.

Look, it's nothing personal. You're a great guest, and if we ever do get

married, we're certainly going to invite you back.

Thank you very much. Well, folks, that's the way the wedding cake crumbles. Your

presents will be returned to you. No reception?

I ate light.

Felix, I'm sorry to disappoint you like this.

I'm going to save you, buddy.

Folks, come back, come back.

We had planned some entertainment for the reception, but so that it won't be a

total loss, we'll have the entertainment now.

Now, first on the bill will be the amazing Unger.

No applause, please.

We have here a simple pitcher of milk.

Will you give me a drum roll, please?

And so your mommy and I decided that for the time being, I'd still be Uncle

Oscar. But I'm going to be visiting a lot, right? And we're going to go to the

fair on Saturday. You're going to see that great magician. And we're going to

see a Robert Redford movie, right?

Good night, Laurie.

So long, Mark.

I'll see you.

Thanks, Felix.

They're great kids.

I'll call you Friday.

I'll be here.

I'm genuinely sorry.

Tell me the truth. Is it my fault? No, no, no. This is the best thing for

everybody, honestly.

But who knows? Maybe someday we might, you know.

I hope so.

You can do something to help me. Anything. Anything at all.

Could you lend me $300?

Because of the carpet I ruined?

No, no.

I bet Irwin I would go through with the wedding.

You bet.

On your own wedding? Well, wait, he had the odds. He gave me five to two.

I thought it was a strong thing, right?