Original subtitles

Wipe your feet.

Close the door.

What's all the excitement?

You don't have your radio on. Who's your radio?

No, that's a humidor that looks like the radio.

Football is the radio.

I forgot it for being an usher at Dick Butkuth's wedding.

He'll be back in a minute.

Oscar's got his own radio show.

Yeah. You know, I was cruising around my police car. You know, nothing to do. So

I thought I'd listen to some police calls for a while. But they're boring.

So I changed stations.

There was Oscar, his own show.

That's a talented guy.

But why didn't he tell me?

Gee, I could have gone down there. I'd have cleaned off his desk. I'd have

off the mic.

I've told him exactly what to do every single second he was on the air. I'd

never have left his side. Why didn't he tell me?

Are you hurt, Felix?

No.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, Belter's running time. Could I use one?

Where's mine?

In a pulled -up pan in the icebox, I'm sure.

Uh -huh.

Rough day?

Okay, like any other day, just a regular day.

What did you do this regular day?

I covered the Yankee game. I wrote my column. Did your radio show? Did my

show. Oh, boy. No wonder we're having cocktails for one.

Well, I was hoping I could keep it from you for more than one day. Why do you

want to keep it from me?

The whole city listening in. I'm sitting here with a football on.

Because you're a Budinsky, and this is a very important opportunity for me. I

would love to have a radio show of my own.

They're trying all new formats down there. The Pillow's two hours.

They tried political discussions and gardening. Now they're trying a sports

show. I know you'd want to butt in, even though you don't know anything about

sports. But I know everything about radio. You do? Of course. Of course I

Radio's in my blood, mister.

In college, I managed the radio station for three years.

I did everything. I was on the air. I was the newscaster. I was the disc

I wrote the shows.

The whole campus listened to the big F.

The big F?

That's me. Turn your dial for a while to the voice with the smile.

F -E -L -I -X. Mark the spot.

1290 on your radio dot.

And dot's a lot.

That's college humor. Yeah, but college humor, that's amateur.

This is the big time. I was professional. When I was a kid, I was on

Pretend. I played all kinds of parts. I was a frog once.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

I'm in the actor's union.

Want to see a union card?

You were a member of the radio's actor's union? I still am.

Paid my dues for 20 years waiting for radio to come back.

Well, when it comes back, you don't tell me about it.

See, that's another reason I didn't tell you. Peter, you've got to understand,

this is not your big moment. It is my big moment.

Now, I don't want to talk about my radio show anymore.

Just give me my dinner.

When I finish my martini.

Oh, wait.

And you heard the show, huh?

I thought you didn't want to talk about it.

I know.

Would you like it?

There's only one thing wrong with your radio show. What's that?

You don't have any personality.

Look who's an authority.

Oh, that's a lot.

What do you mean? What's wrong?

You have to have a distinctive style for radio.

You have to use your natural guest on the air.

Yeah, but you can't see sloppiness on the radio.

There are other aspects of your personality that you could use on the

hostility, sarcasm.

You're very good at that. Those are your strong points. I'm not kidding.

Nothing succeeds in boosting the ratings like a touch of venom, and that's right

up your alley. You're the best in the world at that.

I get the feeling I'm being insulted. No, no, no, no.

I'm not kidding. I mean it. Instead of saying, very nice of you to call, sir,

you should say, get off the air, you stupid creep.

That's you. That's hostility. That's self. People love it. Look at Howard

Cosell. You don't tell me people love to be called stupid creeps. We didn't,

certainly. Yes, but the main thing is, you weren't real, Oscar. You weren't

You know, you got a couple of people. They asked some very stupid questions. I

wouldn't let them have it. Why didn't you let them have it? Get in there.

them. I think you're right. Of course I'm right.

I wasn't very successful at that. I didn't get many cold calls at that.

I'm going to write down some hostile notes right now. And you said I couldn't

help you.

Well, my pencils are broken.

Marie did it.

Hello?

Hello. I'm looking for Oscar Madison.

Oh, he'll be back in a minute. Can I help? I'm Tina, Mr. Madison's secretary.

Tina? Where's Myrna?

On vacation.

Ah.

I'm sure to get the act right.

Ah, you must be Mr.

Unger. Oscar told you about me, huh? Yeah.

Want to tell you a lot of neat Greek jokes? Yeah.

Told you I polish my shoe trees? Yeah.

Did I use the water pick on my toes?

No.

Hello, everybody. This is the Big App.

Felix Unger broadcasting to you from high atop the library building. And now

news as the time will allow. Berlin, Germany.

Today, Adolf Hitler announced his intention of invading Poland.

I love to invade, he said, when questioned by this reporter.

And now the weather report for Mexico.

Chilly today and hot tamale.

And now... Who are you?

I'm Felix Unger. I'm a personal friend of Oscar Madison.

Well, I'm Jim Antrobus. I'm the station manager. Now, don't fool with that gear.

Okay. You never can tell when a mic is live. Oh, I can always tell a hot mic

when I see one.

So you're in charge here, huh? You're the man who decides who goes on and who

goes off?

Yeah. Me and the listeners.

Uh -huh.

See all those little buttons there?

Don't touch it.

If a program is popular, they light up like a Christmas tree. It's a sign that

people are trying to get through on the phone. Uh -huh. If no lights blink, no

Christmas. And no Christmas bonus, huh?

Hi. Hi, Jim.

Good luck on your show today, Oscar.

I'll be listening in my office.

What are you doing here?

Came down to help you. You want to help me go sit in the corner somewhere? I'll

be on the air in a few seconds.

Just remember one thing.

Be me.

Be hot. Be yourself.

Okay, okay.

Ready, Oscar?

Where's your announcer?

What announcer?

To tell the people who you are, what you're going to do in the new format. I

don't know, Phoenix. I'm not Ted using you. We're on the air, Oscar. Go.

Hi there, sports fans.

Don't be down. The man with the frown is coming around to drag you down to the

ground. And here he is, Mr.

Venom, Oscar Bad Madison.

Welcome to the Oscar Madison Sports Talk Show.

There's going to be a lot of talk tonight. Some of it you'll like and some

you won't. Well, either way, why don't you call 555...

6181. Let me know how you feel and let us get to the first phone call right

Hello? Yes, ma 'am.

What's on your mind, dummy?

Oh, listen to this, hockey puck gang.

driver that did this to me because of what I said about the mess. He's a fan.

Yeah, and the bartender recognized my voice and threw the beer in my face.

Another fan?

You're darn right.

The only time you need worry is when they stop throwing beer in your face.

Hello?

Yeah, it's us. Come on.

Oh,

calm down, will you?

Look at this. Another one. Wait. Whoa.

What? Yeah.

Yes. Yes. I said water polo is a dumb sport. That's right.

Yes, I can swim.

Swim up what?

Goodbye.

They love you.

They hate me. No, they love to hate you.

Look, I never promised you that they would love you. I promised you they'd

listen to you. Yeah, they listen to me. Both fits the clench. What's the matter

with you? I don't know. I don't think they want to take it down there. No,

Yes, sir.

Yeah. Bye -bye.

Huh? Another fan, huh? No, that was Antrobus from the radio station. We have

cut out the hostility.

What? He says people aren't listening to their radios anymore. They're breaking

them. He's getting hate mail from Quakers.

We'll cut out the hostility.

There's no problem. You adjust. They don't want hostility. You give them Mr.

Nice Guy.

You said they like Howard Cassell. They don't like Nice Guy. Nice, nice, as

always. It's nice. It's another aspect of your personality. You with that

wonderful charm, that radness and charm, that million -dollar smile. Oh, come

on. You can't see a smile on radio.

Oh, sure you can. Let's see the smile there. Yeah, that's nice.

A little bit of sandwich in the tooth there.

See?

The face with a smile is the voice with a smile. You better get out of here

before I break both your legs.

You're at the radio station. You're getting a phone call. You respond with

with Mr. Nice. Go ahead. Pick up the phone. The phone call's coming in.

No. Hello.

Hello. Nice. We go, hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello,

you stupid creep.

Why don't you get off the air?

Charm. Be nice.

I'm very glad you called, sir. I'm interested in your opinion. I'm not

interested. I can't talk to somebody like that. Somebody talks to me angrily.

Nobody can do it. Of course not. It's nothing to do with it. Why, you do it.

Easy. I recall my early training. All right, let me see you do it. All right.

Nothing to it. Hello?

Hello? Is this Dr. Madison?

Yes, this is he.

Listen, you big mouth creep.

You don't know nothing about nothing.

Why don't you stop polluting the air and get off it?

Why, you ugly little ignoramus.

the nice and sweet with the little. Nobody talks to me that way.

Feel better? You talked about it? What's there to talk about?

For two days, I've been Mr. Nice Guy at the station. I haven't gotten one phone

call yet. I didn't get one.

The guy wanted to tell me Mambo lessons.

Oscar, what would you say if I told you that I figured out a way to make the

Oscar Madison show the talk of New York. I'm going to tell you something. Listen

carefully. There are two things in this world I don't need right now.

That's you and a fungus.

Even fungus begins with fun.

You make me laugh.

Gang, come on.

Good morning, Mr. Madison.

Good morning, Oscar.

You want an audience to watch me eat?

Bear with me, Oscar.

Believe me, what your show needs is to return to those thrilling days of

yesteryear when out of the past came the thundering hoofbeats of real live

radio.

You ready, Cass?

Ready.

We're on the air.

Come on, Jimmy.

We've got to get to the secret headquarters of the mysterious Dr. Zwab

midnight, or the entire world will explode.

Yes, fellas and gals, it's time once again for America's great crusader, the

adventuring ranger!

Ranger! Ranger!

I don't believe it.

I wrote this in college.

And now, back to the adventuring ranger!

Ranger! Ranger!

Let's join the adventuring ranger and his young cohort, Jimmy.

as they make their way through the dense jungle underbrush towards the castle of

the mysterious Dr.

Zwob. The ranger speaks.

Just follow along behind, Jimmy.

I'll just put my foot in your cupped hands here and lift myself onto the

Jump up here and grab the top of the wolf.

I'll stop at the end of that attack.

I get it with all those grunts going on. You don't like the adventuring ranger?

Ranger!

I'll be outside with him in just a minute.

Oscar, this is real radio.

Felix, that is hardcore nonsense.

I'm doing a sports talk show, not a kiddie matinee from the 40s.

Wait.

Better. Better, better, better. What's better? What's better? We won't do the

adventuring rage. Look how he listens finally to a man who's been aggravated

death. I'll write authentic, factual stories of great moments in sports.

But you don't know anything about sports.

I'll make them up.

I know what you're doing. Felix. Is that all your music, Mark? Felix?

Yes, sir. I just read your script. I mean, this isn't the story about Babe

and the kid. The names are wrong. The places are wrong. It's not the way it

happened. But it's better than the way it happened. This is dramatization based

on rumor.

This script is going out over the air?

Well, it's a new concept.

New concept? This is what killed radio.

We're going to light up your switchboard.

This is going to make you the hero of broadcasting. Who are these people?

This is my cast.

Well, I hope they're members of the union. If they're not, they can't

What kind of bilge water are you pumping, mister?

Don't worry, kids. He can't do anything to us. I'm sorry. It's union rule.

Union? You say union?

You want to see a union card?

I'll show you a union card. What does that look like?

That is a union card. You're darn right.

All right. You're all right. But these two will have to go.

Sorry, kid.

Radio. Showbiz. Better luck next time. You see how smart I was to pay my dues?

Felix, this was written for four people. So what's the difference? This is

radio. We'll double.

That's radio. That's the beauty part.

Okay, everybody set? Cast? We're the cast.

Right. Sound effect.

Music. Okay.

What's that?

What's what?

That weed.

Oh, nothing. It's a smoker's call.

Well, Mr. Bill, what's that?

Are you going to be all right? I'll put it out. I'll be all right. Okay, sure.

Okay, let's go. Get him out of here. Would you mind waiting outside until

is over, sir? Do I get paid? Yes, you'll be paid double.

You know what to do. You watch the sound effects. You'll do the thing. But I'm

the narrator.

It's a small part. You'll do it. I noticed that. All right, Sega. All

everybody, cup your ears.

Madison show, Great Moment in Sport.

Felix Unger, your host.

Right now, the star of our show, the Dean of America Sportswriters, Oscar

Madison, your host, is Felix Unger.

Thank you. Let's get right to our story, the year 1932.

Extra, extra, President Roosevelt, elected president.

To play Chicago.

The Windy City.

Babe Ruth, then playing for the Yankees, was looking forward to that afternoon's

World Series game with the Cubs. The morning of the game, as was his want, he

visited the Children's Ward of Mercy Hospital.

Dr. Chern, call surgery.

Dr. Chern, call surgery.

And now, the Babe Feet.

Gee, nurse, it sure is swell to see all those poor kids in the hospital looking

so perky.

It's you that makes them feel perky, baby Ruth.

You're a peachy guy.

Oh, you're a grand girl to say that. I'm just glad the good Lord allows me to be

here. Ah, look, here comes the doctor.

Hello, doctor.

Hey, hello.

I think I'll stop walking now.

I caught you before you went out to Wrigley Field, Bambino.

Oh, something I could do for you, Doctor?

There is just one child who hasn't seen you, and it'll break his little heart if

we don't stop by. Oh, sure is shooting. Always time for a kid in trouble.

Right this way, immortal babe.

And so, fate played a hand that afternoon in Chicago.

As they approached the bedside, a poor little Billy, who was ill with a rare

tropical disease for which there was no cure, he was sobbing quietly.

The nurse spoke softly.

The child stopped crying when the nurse spoke softly.

Little Billy? Yes?

The immortal babe is here to see you.

Mr. Roof? Just call me babe.

Oh, gee, willikers.

That's Bambino.

It sure is nice to see you.

Hey, kid, you got a radio.

Yeah, it's a keen one. It doesn't get any static.

Well, you'll be listening to the ball game this afternoon.

And when the announcer tells you I'm up to bat, I'm going to point to a spot in

right field grandstands and hit a home run right into that spot.

And it's going to be just for you, little Billy.

the stadium.

Well done.

Top of the eighth here at Wrigley Field.

The bases are loaded.

The babe steps up to the plate.

A hush falls over the crowd.

Wait a minute. What's going on here? The immortal babe is pointing to the right

field bleachers and out there it means something to somebody somewhere.

Consuela gets the signal again.

There's the windup and the swing.

It's going. It's going.

I'll have it for you in just a minute.

Great. Oh, that's great. Look at the board.

Look at the way that board's lit up. It's like a Christmas tree. You're doing

great. Just keep the energy up. Listen, you better look over the ending because

I rewrote it. What was my ending?

Go.

and back to Oscar Madison's exceptionally great moment in fourth.

Well, folks, Babe Ruth went on to fulfill his destiny and many more great

moments in baseball, but poor little Billy got sicker and sicker until

one day, when it looked like the end was near, in far -off England in a tiny

laboratory, a miracle took place.

I see.

Dr. Margolis, I think I've done it.

Hmm? What's that, Dr. Fleming?

I've discovered penicillin.

Yes, folks, penicillin. The big piece.

and millions more like him.

Felix Unger here, and as an interesting footnote, you might like to know that

Billy Pomerantz lives today quietly in a condominium in Iron Mountain, Michigan.

The successful head of the Pomerantz Joke and Novelty Company, makers of the

world -famous Pomerantz Joybuster.

This is Felix Unger reminding you to tune in tomorrow for Oscar Madison's

moments in sports.

This is Felix Unger, your host.

I've got hundreds of calls. No kidding. Isn't that great?

Correcting the story.

It doesn't matter. What do they think about it in the front office? That's

counts. Oh, I love it. They're going to keep it as a regular feature.

No kidding. Only they're going to use professional actors. We're out.

I'm a professional actor. What are you talking about?

I'm a member of the union.

Oh, come on. Don't.