Original subtitles

trip to Chicago.

Chicago was nice.

Did you have a good trip?

I ran into some cousins I haven't seen in a good many years. Yeah?

Yeah.

I learned something that you'll find of considerable interest, my friend.

They want you to move in with them, right?

Don't make jokes.

There's water all over it.

Was there a trip here? Yeah, I've been dripping all day. It's driving me crazy.

This is terrible.

Well, tell me about your cousins. What'd they say?

What is the name?

Blinky Madison mean to you?

Gee, that's familiar.

Well, it ought to be.

It was your father.

Oh, yeah. He used to blink a lot like that. That's why they call him Blinky.

This isn't water. It smells like... It smells like beer to me, too. I know what

you did, slob. Oh, it was an accident. Forget about that.

How did you know my father's name was Blinky?

Because your father tried to kill my father.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I didn't even know my father knew your father.

I've got a lot of happy life. Hey, watch it.

Say anything you like about me or my mother, but no cracks about my father.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Tell me the story. I'm very interested. My father was a wonderful

man. He was an optometrist.

What are you laughing at? What was your father? My father was a maker of a big

restaurant. Some restaurant where they don't serve food.

What does that mean?

Sit down.

I'm going to tell you a story that will curl your hair.

My father, Morris Unger, was the most beloved man in Chicago.

Your father, Blinky Madison, ran a speakeasy.

That was long ago when Chicago was really wild.

It was the jazz age when folly was king and crime sat in the driver's seat.

Blinky, I just can't seem to get it. Try without the gum.

H .E., thanks. You sure know a lot about dancing.

No, I know a lot about gum.

Let me shove that tea, will you?

Hey, that booze is too strong. Put some more water in. Boss, it's half water

already. We're not watering down the liquor. We're liquoring up the water.

Oh, I forgot.

Hey, Buzzy.

Hello, how are you?

Hi, Commissioner.

Kim, go change the camper in the men's room.

Has the big boss been in tonight?

No, he's at the funeral pub. Did someone die? Not yet. He's getting an estimate.

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Oh, there's a bunch of Shriners.

It's a raid!

Linky, the big boss ain't gonna like this.

It's the third time this month. You're going to have to bail us out. What's

wrong with you? I don't know.

I think it's my eyes.

All right, Mr. Belson, you take care of those eyes and they'll

take care of you. Next.

Come right in, sir.

What is your name?

Madison. Mr. Madison.

All righty.

Now, what seems to be the trouble, Mr. Madden? Well, I can't see through little

openings at night.

Can't see through little openings at night.

Tell me, can you arrange your schedule so you can look through these little

openings during the daytime?

No, they're closed during the day. Ah, closed during day.

What seems to be the trouble with your eyes?

Well, I blink a lot, see? They call me Blinky.

Ah -ha.

Well, we'll change that moniker, won't we? Sit down, sit down. Thank you.

What ride you got there? You mean on my back? Yes. Yes, my son Felix thought of

that. I have a kid. Yes, seven years old. I don't know how he finds the time.

But with school and Boy Scouts and piano lessons and cooking three meals a day.

Tell me, do you have children?

Yes, I have a boy seven too.

Ah, what are his interests?

Horses. Horses.

You ride?

No handicaps.

Eyes of blue say I love you. Eyes of brown never frown.

You said again? Yes, my son made that up.

I tell you, he's a pimp. He's a pimp.

All right, let's look at the eye chart, shall we?

Can you read the top line?

Eye. Neck.

L -O. Neck.

V -Y.

Very good. Neck.

O -U -D.

Neck. A -D -D -Y. All right.

Now read it all together.

I love you, Daddy.

My son made that up, too.

The pip?

Yes, yes.

Oh, that boy, I tell you.

Well, there's nothing much wrong with having you fixed up in a jiffy. Nothing

much to worry about. Well, thanks. Now, listen, if you're ever in my

neighborhood, look me up, will you? I'll show you a good time.

I should be delighted. Good. Here you are.

Is that a prescription?

Yes. Take that to your grocer.

Eat a bunch of carrots a day? That's right.

You have a little night blindness.

Vitamin A deficiency.

Carrots will fix that up.

A carrot a day keeps the optometrist away.

I made that one up myself.

You're a pimp, too, huh?

Pops the pimp. Yeah.

You're gonna need glasses, so let's try these on for size, shall we? No, no, no,

no, Doc. No glasses. I'm not gonna wear glasses on my friend's lap. Nobody

laughs at glasses in this day and age. Come on, let's try them on.

Anybody laughs at you, you just send them to see me.

It's okay.

See, Bart, since you got those glasses, you haven't made one mistake.

Yeah, but it ain't all great.

Today I got the first good look at my kid Oscar's room.

Wow.

I'll get this one.

Yeah? Hi there.

Is this the Madison residence?

What? Wait a minute, I'll get it.

Hey, how you doing?

I see you. Can you see me? I talk, I know.

Well, I can't have a party every night.

Well, if I had a wonderful playroom like this in my basement, I think I would,

too. I ought to reach my table for my friend here. Come on in. Well, I should

have telephoned before I came over, but I'll check your specs.

How are they feeling?

Great. Look, Doc, I take them off, I stop blinking, I put them on, I see

I don't blink anymore. You look very handsome. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, sit

down. Sit down. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

What would you like to drink?

Well, I think a little iced tea wouldn't do any harm. Good idea. A little tea

for my friend. The best stuff. Mostly tea.

Like a jolly crowd?

Say, speaking of fun, you should have been at the optometrist convention this

year.

We held it in Cleveland.

Oh, boy.

I tell you, we really let our hair down.

We chartered our own train, the bifocal local.

We had a hot one going around.

Stop me if you've heard this one.

A cross -eyed school teacher who couldn't keep her pupils straight.

Sky was the limit.

Thank you. Good.

Okay, bottoms up, Doc. Thank you very much.

Oh, boy, isn't that different? Yeah, nothing but the best.

Very good.

Mmm.

That's tangy. Good. I never tasted this before.

Where do you get this stuff? We import it from Tennessee.

Is that a fact? Yeah, that came last night. Is that a fact? That's a fact.

Excuse me for a minute. We can lose it.

I'd like you to meet a very dear friend of mine. This is Dr. Unger. This is

Lucy. Show him a very good time. Be very nice to him.

A doctor,

huh? Yes.

You make house calls?

No. Oh, well, then we'll just have to get acquainted right here, huh?

What do they call you, Dr. Unger?

They call me Dr. Unger.

No, no, I mean your nickname. You know, like they call me Lute, short for Lucy.

professor. They call me Shakespeare. They call me four eyes and things of

nature. Well, I think you're the cat's meow.

Could I be your kitten?

Lou, before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I have

a, um, a, um, what's the word I want?

Hands up!

Everybody, get your hands up! I'm not kidding now!

Hands up, please. Hello, I'm the manager. Can I buy you a drink, sir? You

to buy me a drink? I'm a federal agent. For the last time, this is a raid. Oh,

come on. We look everybody's having a good time. You want to spoil their fun?

I work for the government. It's my job to spoil the people's fun.

It's the big boss.

President Hoover?

No, the big boss.

Hi, boss.

Good evening, Blinky.

Who's the gentleman with the badge?

Oh, he's a fed.

Any fed of the government is a fed of mine.

Hey, that's pretty good, boss. That's very good, Blinky. That's very good,

Blinky.

What's the matter with him? Why isn't he laughing? Well, it's a raid.

Did you offer him a hospitality, a drink?

Yeah, he said no.

It appears we're dealing with an honest man.

You sure are.

Under the circumstances, will that take care of things for a little while?

Forever.

Come on over to the parlor.

Did you see that?

Sure, now with these glasses, I see everything.

That man accepted the bribe. I wouldn't exactly call it a bribe. He took a great

deal of money for not doing his job, according to Webster's unabridged

dictionary. Stop fondling. This isn't serious.

A bribe, all right. That man should be reported.

All right, tell him there's the commissioner.

That is the police commissioner?

Yeah, tell him. And he's in on it, too?

Dr. Runga, everybody's in on it except you. Now, have some fun. I want to see a

smile on everybody's kisser now. Lucy, will you show him a good time? Relax,

Doc. Enjoy yourself.

Am I the last moral man left in the world?

Well, I'm moral.

Then why don't you do something?

I can't get off till four.

Mr. Morris Unger.

No, don't write that down. I want this to be an anonymous call.

What I am about to tell you will blast this town wide open.

But it must never reach the ears of your police commissioner because he is in on

it.

Sergeant, I know I speak for every honest man in this town when I say I am

up to here. My hand is under my chin.

With corruption in high places.

How can I teach my son to respect the law when those who are to uphold it,

it?

Weald? So that's when my father wanted to kill your father.

No, that came later.

After my father did what any good citizen would do, that got your father

water. Big Boss was furious.

So the next day...

Okay, baby, that's enough. That's enough.

Get lost, eh?

How come every time I kiss her on the neck, I get gum on my nose?

Hi, boss. You want to see me?

20 minutes ago.

20 minutes ago? That's when you called me. That's when I wanted to see you.

I'm sorry I'm late, boss.

Sit down.

Your friend, Dr. Unger, squealed about our little club here. He did?

Yeah, and you know my rule about squealers.

They die.

Yeah, it's one of my best rules.

Who's gonna kill them?

We're gonna draw straws.

Looks like you're it, Blinky.

Oh, wait a minute, boss. Look.

When it comes to cutting the booze or patting somebody's bill, I'm the

one, but I can't really. I never killed anybody in my life. All right, all

right, all right.

You don't want the gun? No, sir. Thank you. All right, then I'll just give you

the bullet. I'll take it all.

Get going.

And Blinky, just in case you lose your nerve or you change your mind, I'm going

to send a real pro from Detroit along with you.

Heel!

This is the heel.

Heel? He's not nice to ladies, huh?

Not that kind of heel.

He kills people with his shoe.

With his shoe?

That's pretty funny.

It's not so funny.

And you better do a good job or you'll wind up in the river with a pair of

cement galoshes.

In the river?

In the river.

He's out to lunch. He won't be back till 2 o 'clock.

You're right on time. Make it fast, Blinky.

He'll do me a favor. Will you wait out in the hall?

What for?

Well, I'm a little nervous. It's the first time I ever bumped anybody off

before. Oh, sure. I understand.

Wait in the hall and cool your heel, okay? I think you're in the wrong

You want a podiatrist.

Try Dr. Scholl. Two doors down. He's young, but he's very good.

Well, Mr.

Madison, I'm tickled to death to see you.

I have a confession to make.

owe you an apology.

I'm the one who phoned the police about your speakeasy.

I'm sorry, but I tweaked on you.

That squeal. Well, whatever.

I'm not conversant with gutter lingo.

I hope you're not angry with me. No, no, no. I'm not angry with you, Doc.

It's something I have to tell you. I hope you're not going to be angry with

Why should I be angry with you?

I'm going to kill you.

No, I'm not angry.

I'm disappointed.

This is a joke, isn't it? Some sort of hoodlum humor?

No, I don't want to kill you, but the boss gave me orders.

You mean you're really going to do it? You're just going to come in here and

kill me without an appointment?

Yep.

Just bat the gun.

You got good eyes, Doc.

It's a real gun that shoots bullets. It doesn't shoot water or go bang, bang.

Yeah, see, the way the serial number was filed off and everything.

Yes, well, everything certainly seems to be in order.

Try not to make... Too much of a mess.

Would it be all right if I answered my telephone?

All right, Doc, but I got your call, okay?

Goodbye.

I mean, hello.

Hello, Felix.

It's my son.

What are you doing, son?

Helping Grandma make bouillabaisse.

Isn't that remarkable?

What? Well, of course, she's going to spill something every now and then.

getting old, son.

Don't let that make you angry.

Tell you what.

Why don't you use that nice new sponge I gave you for your birthday?

Good.

I love you, too.

Goodbye.

Where were we?

I can't do it.

Tell you what. The coffee's on me.

I understand, Doc. I may not have the guts to kill you, but there's a guy on

hall that can. They call him the heel because he kills people with his shoe.

You mean that poor little fellow with the limp? Yeah.

They said if I don't shoot you, he's going to tap dance you to death.

Well, you've got that gun. Why don't you shoot him? Because I can't shoot

anybody. If I could, I would shoot you and make it easy on me.

Give me the gun.

What? I'll show you how to do it.

Cool cucumber, all right, aren't you?

You don't get to the top of the eye game without nerves of steel.

Show your little friend in.

Okay.

The doctor will see you now.

Are you still alive?

You can bet the cuck -eyed world I'm still alive, you two -bit punk.

Finally met your match, didn't you? I guess you never came up before an

optometrist before.

Give me the gun.

Fat chan, bimbo.

Hand it over to him. Shoot him, Doc. Shoot him. Shoot him. Don't come any

closer.

Please.

I'll give you a dollar.

Oh, heck, I can't shoot him. There's a deal.

Well, you should talk. If you shot me the way you were supposed to, we

be in this mess.

All right, Gunsel, make it fast.

I can't do it.

Well, what do you know?

He's the same as we are.

Oh, I should do it for saying that.

You guys get out of town before you blow my cover. What cover?

I'm a federal agent.

Wow. A G -man.

Now, you guys hide away and then leave town.

And don't come back for 25 years.

25 years?

What? I'll miss the World's Fair.

Oh, forget that. Listen,

young man.

I'm glad you're on our side. I didn't get your name.

Ness.

Elliot Ness.

Remember that name.

That is the dumbest, the most unbelievable story I ever heard in my

Were your cousins on the force when they told you that story?

You're scoffing. Of course I'm scoffing. Things like that used to happen in

those days. Elliot Ness, what are you... I'm going to show you something that

will make a true believer out of you. Nothing is impossible.

I can't believe that. This is a family heirloom.

This doesn't prove anything. That story...

Now maybe you'll believe me. It was because of that that both our families

to leave town.

Mine went to Oklahoma and yours went to New York. But first they had to hide out

in a hotel for several days.

In a hotel? Yeah.

Felix,

do you have a pair of knickers corduroy that whistle when you walk? I used to

when I was a kid. I've still got them.

Those were my favorite knickers. You're the one. What?

Don't you remember? We met.

When? When we were kids.

You're spilling soda all over yourself.

That's my style, kid.

Want some soda?

No.

Want to play football?

No.

Want to play baseball?

No. What do you want to do?

I want to bake bread.