Original subtitles

It's not air freshener. It's disinfectant.

I wonder if it smells like the inside of an ambulance here.

Put that cigar out, please. No, I like it.

May I remind you that we have a guest in the house?

My little daughter Edna's in the other room with the sniffles. Cigar smoke

doesn't bother sniffles. Oscar, please, it's not nice for a little girl with a

cold to have to breathe cheap cigar smoke.

Put it out. No.

Give it to me!

You notice that Edna and I are getting along a little bit better now? Yeah,

terrific. Yeah. Well, until her mother comes back from Bermuda, I think I found

the key.

You know what the secret is for getting along with kids today? What? What the

Beatles said.

Let them be.

Let them be.

I'm going to make her some tea. Let the cigar be. No, no, no. Whoa.

It's got disinfectant on it.

I'll smoke it at night. It'll keep the bugs away.

I'm going to get the concert tickets, Daddy.

Concert? Hey, classical, huh?

Classical. She's going to a Paul Williams concert.

Have you heard anything?

It's not bad. It's all in English.

He wrote great songs.

Like, We've Only Just Begun, You and Me Against the World, and Rainy Days on

Monday. I know who Paul Williams is. Oh, all right. I'll see you in the morning,

Daddy.

You'll see me in the morning?

How's that?

Well, some friends and I are going to stand in line overnight to make sure we

get seats.

Overnight? On the sidewalk?

Sure, it's fun.

No, no, no. I don't think that's fun. No.

Oh, come on, Daddy.

Don't be silly.

Even if you didn't have a cold, I wouldn't let you stay overnight on the

sidewalk. But, Daddy.

You will not go.

Yes, I will. You will not. What happened to let him be? Go to your room.

What happened to let him be?

You can't let them be all the time.

What do the Beatles know? To be a good parent, you must be authoritative.

The child must know who's boss.

They respect that.

Edna, don't be mad at me.

Come on, I'll buy you something.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

My daughter, he... She's only been here a short time.

Think how I feel about you.

Don't try to cheer me up.

This is serious.

I know why she wants to stand in line all night long.

She's crazy in love with that Paul Williams.

Better him than Alice Cooper.

A little girl.

She'll get in your mood.

Am I wrong? Tell me the truth.

Sit down, all right? Sit down.

You promised if I tell you something, you won't go overboard. Please promise,

all right? Now, don't jump. Please don't jump. I think I can get you tickets to

Paul Williams. You'll make me a hero for life. She'll love me. How can

you do that? Well, a year ago, I did an interview with Paul Williams about

gliding.

Gliding? He does that?

Yeah, he gets in a plane with no motor. A plane with a motor takes him up, lets

him go, and then he glides. Goes up without a motor? Yeah.

Why would a man do a thing like that?

Why would a man shampoo a rug three times a week?

Because you... Never mind, never mind. If you do this for me, I'll... Anything,

anything. I'll cook anything you want for a month.

Cream -chip beef on a donut?

Yeah, with raisins in it?

All right, now, but remember, please, I said it's a small chance. He's a big

singing song. I'm not sure. Edna, Edna, we've got tickets to the Paul Williams

concert. You know, we don't get our due.

When each day is through, I bring my tired body home.

You and me against the world.

Sam, I wanted to show you. It's from Brazil. Did Uncle Oscar say when he'd be

home? No, sweetheart. Well, he called before. Why didn't you ask him if he had

the ticket?

Because he couldn't talk. He'd been gliding with Paul Williams and he was in

condition for a conversation.

Why not?

He was crying.

He got him!

Mr. Unger. Yes, I'm Paul Williams.

We ran into a little turbulence. Look out for the trees!

You're all right.

You're all right. I prayed, Felix, and my prayers were answered.

Felix, I promised God tomorrow we'd move down to the ground floor.

Mr. Williams, I want you to meet my daughter, Edna. She's dying to meet you.

How do you do?

Edna?

I think she's in awe of you.

It's my curse.

Welcome in. Would you like a piece of fruit?

No, thank you. I'm really in a hurry. I wanted to bring Oscar home and give you

the tickets for the concert. Oh, thank you. How very nice.

Edna, it was nice talking to you.

Wouldn't you like to have dinner with us? How long are you going to be in

You look as if you could enjoy a good meal.

Well, thank you, but after the show tonight, I go to Albany for the weekend.

Little club up there that I play where I got my start, you know, so I go back.

Isn't that nice?

Loyalty. I like that.

Would you like to go instead of me?

Just kidding.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh,

Daddy!

So the old man's not such a party pooper, huh?

Oh.

You feel warm? No, I feel great. No, no, you've got a bit of fever, haven't you?

No, really.

Come on, we'll take your temperature. No, Daddy, really, I'm fine.

Come on.

How do you feel? Oh, I'm great now.

Yea, though I walk with a...

Take

it

again.

I'm sorry, honey, I've taken it four times. It'd fill a hundred, too.

Is that a nice way to talk to your father?

Oh, cover -up.

What's a bummer?

A person who never liked to have any fun.

Me not like to have fun? Me?

I'm the king of fun.

Now sit down here. Sit down.

You can put your feet up because you're sick. Cover -up. And we'll have our own

fun here at home. We'll have a rock concert right here.

We'll rock with opera.

La Traviata.

You know what La Traviata means in Italian?

It means the troubled girl. And that's what you are, because you're sick, but

you're going to get better. Now, this girl in the opera really has trouble,

because she has consumption.

And you know why? Because she didn't keep covered up when she had a bath. Oh!

Anyway, she's a very lovely person, but she's not quite the kind of person I'd

like you to know, because she is a member of the Demi -Montagne. She is

Talk like that.

From your opera stories.

I gotta go to that concert. I just gotta go to that concert.

Tell me the truth.

Am I a bad parent?

What should I do?

Tell me the rest of that dirty opera story.

Well, that was a great game.

We'll be back with the start of our second game, Alabama Navy, right after

message from our sponsor.

Oscar? Yeah, look at this.

Look at that.

Today, it's 99.

Isn't that great? You see, I was right not to let her go to that concert last

night. Edna, soon you'll be normal.

With you as her father, she'll never be normal.

That's cute, coming from a non -parent.

Look, I've got to cover a wedding. Take care of her, will you?

Just see that she's okay.

Don't let her go out. That's the main thing. Okay.

Honey, I'm leaving now.

This is the bummer saying goodbye.

You heard what I told you, huh? Yes. Okay.

Hello, Irwin. Yeah,

I want to make a bet on the Navy -Alabama game.

Well, I know I lost. Give me a chance to get even. I'm good for it. And what's

the spread?

Three points? All right, give me Navy and three points.

Yeah, they can't lose.

Okay. Bye -bye.

Okay,

folks, here we go. Here come the midshipmen out on the field.

Wait a minute. There's some kind of commotion down there.

Uh -oh, it's bad news for your Navy fans.

The quarterback was just bitten by the mascot.

He's out of the game.

For you mascot fans, he's fun.

Yeah? I'd like to see a goat throw a floor pass.

Hello? Are you busy?

No, I can't get the back off. Come on.

I can't believe I came over that kid.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't stand being treated like a child.

Oh, Oscar, we've been through this a thousand times.

Turn it over.

I'm going to follow Paul Williams.

Goodbye, Edna.

I'm sorry, Felix.

Say something, will you?

Will you scream? Will you holler? Will you hit me here?

Pour beer on me, ketchup, anything.

Don't be silly. I'm not going to be crazy. I'm not going to be dumb.

No time for recrimination.

It's a time to think.

Other parents have had to live with the pain of a child running away. Now I have

to live with that pain.

What am I going to do?

I have to go to Albany. That's the thing to do. And you're going with me. Of

course.

Thanks for being so nice, Nevada Phoenix.

But first, I'll pour beer.

Well, you should, because I deserve it. I'll do it to myself. Look at this.

Look

around

for you.

Me against the world.

Feels like you and me against the world.

And for all the times we cried, I always felt that God was

gonna die.

And when one of us has gone, and one is

left alone to carry on, then remembering we're

left to do our memories alone.

think about the days of me and you you and me against the world

Be back at the tippy -toe room.

Are you here? I'm here.

I'm being as quiet as I can be.

Let me get your looking for a table.

Greg, can we have a little light for these elderly gentlemen?

We've got to get them to a table.

Don't be ashamed.

Buy him a cup of stanker.

On me.

I've got to tell you, I don't do Melancholy Baby until the second show.

I know these guys.

It's just an old -fashioned love song playing on the radio.

And wrapped around the music is the sound of someone promising they'll never

on.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter with you? You relax.

We'll look for it.

You'll swear you've heard it before as it slowly rambles on and on. No need in

bringing them back because they've never really gone.

It's just an old -fashioned love song coming down in three -part harmony.

It's just an old -fashioned love song when I'm sure they're both for you and

me.

It's just an old -fashioned... It's just an old -fashioned love song coming down

at 3 o 'clock all the day.

It's just an old -fashioned love song when I'm sure they'll go for you.

Look at all that paint on you.

May I borrow this, please?

Daddy! Oh, please stop making a scene! I'm not making a scene!

Will you sit down, please?

I want to know what's going on!

Sit down and order something.

I order you to come home! I'm sorry, we're all out of that.

I will not have my daughter be a waitress in a motel!

You're embarrassing me. Will you please take a walk? Let me talk to her. Please

calm down.

Go ahead.

She's underage! Will you?

Sit down. Here.

Honey, I gotta tell you the truth here. I'm kind of like your father.

I'm surprised you always seem so sensible.

I'm still sensible.

You go running away like this, sensible?

It seems pretty crazy to me.

Unless, honey, you've got some plans.

I have a plan to follow Paul Williams.

Why? You figure maybe someday you'll get to marry him or something? No.

Well, do you think or you feel you're in love with him? No.

Then see, I don't understand.

You see, that's just it.

Neither does my father.

But Paul Williams understands me.

Did you talk to him? Did he tell you this? No. I can tell by his song.

He sings the things that I feel.

Vivian, no mixing.

They want you in the kitchen.

I really have to get back to work now, Uncle Oscar. Okay.

Well, what did she say? I don't understand.

You don't understand her either. No, that's what she said. I don't understand

her. You don't understand her. Only Paul Williams understands her. Only Paul

Williams understands her.

Where was Paul Williams when she had the mumps? Where was Paul Williams when she

had the measles?

You mean I should talk to Paul Williams?

I think so, buddy.

Oh.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't go back.

I've got to see Paul Williams.

I'm sorry.

I've got to see Paul Williams or I'll die.

It's always a matter of life and death with you groupies.

He's resting backstage.

We're friends of his.

I know. Everybody says that.

Can you take him a note, please?

A quarter?

What is this, your allowance?

Oh, very funny. Here, here, here. Will you take him the note?

Okay, I'll... He's not going to come

out. They never do too busy with their fast women and their fancy hair dryers.

I need to relax.

It's only been ten minutes.

It's my daughter. I know, but sit down. Try to relax.

What are you doing?

You told me to sit down.

Why don't you sit over there?

I'd be lonely over there.

Isn't it a chair for two?

that you came along with me.

I don't have to tell you, I was getting a little bit hysterical.

Yeah, it's hard not to notice. Were you trying to grab the wheel, blow the horn?

And the bus driver yelling at me, sit down, sit down.

Felix? Oscar?

I told you he'd come. I thought that was Ian. I can't believe you came.

I mean, nobody comes to Albany.

You saw my nose.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You must really love your daughter.

Will you talk to her?

Felix, I can't talk to her. That would be lecturing. I'm a singer, not a

Oh, big deal. Mr. Golden, record teenage idol. Now, that's not fair, Felix. I

don't have to be there. I'm a crazy person.

Felix, relax.

Why don't you give me just a minute alone with her inside? I might be able

help. Really, trust me.

You're not a crazy person either. You're a nice man.

Right, you're holding it. Come on now.

Give him a shot, all right?

I'm going to get a cigar.

Don't ever have children.

Edna, sit down a minute, would you?

I just finished a new song. I'd kind of like to get your opinion of it.

A fellow gave me a note. I read it. It kind of inspired me.

It said what I think I'd want to say to my daughter, you know, if I ever have

one.

Listen.

And even though I'm not around to pick you up the times you're down, you know I

think about you each and every day.

And though I feel a love for you that's always growing, always new.

The things I'm quick to feel I'm sometimes slow to say.

So I lay awake and worry.

Are you hungry?

Are you warm?

Why, there's nothing in this world too good for you.

And then I turn around and make a list of things that you can't have.

I only hope my good intentions still show through.

You know the ones who love you expect the most from you.

Once I held a perfect baby, you slept soundly in my arms.

Now a woman is awakening in you.

And I'll probably be jealous when your first love rolls around.

I guess that calls for extra understanding, too.

We'll order up a cup of tolerance for two.

You know the ones who love you expect the most from

you.

That was beautiful. You like it? It was really nice.

You know who wrote that?

Your father wrote that.

Daddy? I swear, the words are changed around a little bit. The feelings,

here.

Oscar, why your short beard?

Did you really write that?

I didn't write the music.

The words.

I never heard you talk like that before.

I never said those things before.

Sometimes it's very hard to say things.

I know. It's hard for me, too.

How'd the wedding go the other day?

When you've seen one Polish wedding, you've seen them all.

Remember when I was little and you used to take me on your job?

It was the most fun I ever had.

Me too.

Do you have a job tomorrow?

No. Oh.

Well, that's okay. We can do something else.

It's getting so big.

It's because I'm standing on the stage.

You look so cute in this uniform.

You know, when you set a table, never put your fingers on the inside of a

I love you,

too.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

You know, something good came out of all this.

Edna and I are closer together than we ever were before.

I'll tell you something.

I owe it all to you. I know, I really do.

You're a wonderful friend, Oscar.

I just hope you know that if the situation were reversed, I'd do the same

you.

Just like that Paul Williams song.

It's you and me against the world.

Sometimes it feels it's you and me against the world.

I'm betting on the world.