Original subtitles

You're reading the files?

No, it's Oscar's column today. I didn't read it yet. What's in it?

It's all about his softball league in Central Park.

Listen to this. A funny thing happened on my way across Central Park.

I got across.

People say there's a lot of crime in New York.

That's just a vicious rumor started by a half a million victims.

I think that's so funny. Hey, now spring is here and the park is beautiful.

The tree was green. The bird was singing.

Wait, is something wrong with me? I don't know.

Men and women holding hands.

Up.

Oscar, stop it. How can you laugh at tripe like that? It's funny tripe.

Hey, Murray, I know. Hey, Oscar, this is... Money, money, yeah.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Why? This is our beloved city you're making fun of.

Well, they're just jokes.

Just jokes?

Yeah. Just jokes, huh?

That's what the Polish people started saying.

They're just jokes, Stanislaw.

Now look at me.

You're too sensitive. You're darn right I'm sensitive. This city has been plenty

good to me, and you too.

This is the way you repay it, with stupid jokes.

People are holding hands. Up.

Stop it. Stop it. What's the matter with you?

Don't you see where this sort of thing can lead?

People will believe it. Tourists will stop coming to town. Business will fall

off. People will lose their jobs.

And all because of your lies. No, no, no. They're not lies. No, they're not.

They may be exaggerations, but these jokes are based on truth. They're based

old, worn -out, stupid cliches, and I can prove it. Go ahead. Prove it. Well,

I... No, go ahead. I can prove it. I can.

You can.

If I can prove that these cliches are false, will you print a retraction?

Felix, if you can prove that one of these cliches is false, I'll print such

column about New York, everybody in the country will want a movie. You've got

yourself a deal, mister making a fine living in a city you're knocking.

Okay.

But you better do it fast, because I go on my vacation to the Bahamas in three

days. Three days is all I need. You're going to eat those words, and I'm going

to pour the ketchup.

I think Felix is losing his sense of humor. Oh, forget about him. You want to

hear about a joke I'm going to have in tomorrow's column? Yeah. Now, I live in

very safe building. Last night, there were three cops in my lobby. All night.

They were afraid to go outside.

That's not funny.

I wasn't afraid. It was cold.

where they're joked about Central Park.

What's more beautiful than New York on a Sunday afternoon?

It is nice, but what do you hope to accomplish here?

Well, I've been going about this the wrong way. You don't stop New Yorkers

they're rushing off to work. They're busy people. They're building the world.

All right, what do you want me to do?

I want to explode the cliche that New Yorkers are rude. Look at this. Just

around. It's beautiful.

Nobody's grouchy in Central Park on a Sunday.

Look at that. People playing volleyball. They're playing shuffleboard.

People are feeding pigeons. Look.

Over there, you see.

Oscar's playing softball.

No, this won't take long, will it?

Why? Why don't you hurry? Well, I've got to pick my mother up at the airport.

Your mother?

She's coming here?

Where's she going to stay? With you?

Yes.

For how long?

A couple of weeks.

You mean she's going to be there all the time?

I guess so.

You mean we?

I guess not.

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry. And after you just got over a cold.

These things happen, you know. Yes, they happen all the time to me.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it, fellas.

Game's over.

Game's over there. There you go. $5 a match. See you next week. You cheated.

We cheated. We could.

What are you doing here anyway? I'm going to explode the cliché that New

are rude. Are you crazy? The people here are the same people that threw garbage

at you yesterday.

Only Sunday they're taking a rudeness break.

All right.

I'll change my clichés. I'm allowed to do that.

Come here, come here, Mary. Help me, help me. No, no, you too.

What do you want me to do?

Beat the hell out of Mary.

Yeah.

Now I'll explode the cliché that New Yorkers are indifferent to someone in

trouble. They'll come over to help. Yeah, and I'll get arrested. No, then

explain to them what's going on. Go ahead, go ahead. This is going to be

interesting. It's all right with you.

Have a beautiful one. When do you hit her? You take her, you... It's her

Take her purse.

He's taking her purse!

Oh, he's taking my purse! Look what this man is doing! Help! Help me!

Hey, you! Come back! Come back here, you!

Don't come back here. He said come back! No, no, no!

Hold the purse high!

Look where he went!

Why doesn't somebody help this girl?

Get up. You look ridiculous.

It takes me a minute to pack it.

You're taking your dirty laundry to the Bahamas?

That's my clean stuff.

Of course, Felix.

He's out trying to explode per se. I feel so sorry for him. He's really

discouraged.

Was it raining out?

What happened, Felix?

Miriam, would you mind?

Leaving me alone with Oscar for just a minute. Sure, I'll see you later. Have a

nice trip, Oscar. All right, honey, I'll see you when I get back. Bye, Bob.

Why'd you send her out?

I didn't want her to see me fall apart.

She thinks I'm macho.

What happened?

A vicious child splashed me.

Oh, go off to the Bahamas. Go with your victory. I can see that. I can see that.

Oh, come on, buddy. Now don't take it so hard.

Look, you're going to still see me off to the boat, aren't you? Yeah, sure.

We'll go through the park.

We'll watch the lovers holding hands.

We'll see the tree, hear the bird.

Oh, come on. All right, I'll change my clothes. We'll get a cab. No, we're

to have to go by subway. The cabs are on strike.

Is there no end?

Is there no end?

Could you see who it was?

Miriam's mother.

believe I'm starting a trip to the Bahamas on the IRT.

At least you're leaving.

I ride the subway every day of my life. I haven't been on a subway in five

years. Can't tell you how much we missed you.

That man's got a big mouth.

Don't talk to nuts on the subway.

Be happy.

Smile. You're going off on a wonderful trip. You're wearing your beautiful

I envy you. I envy you.

What are you, one of the glitter people?

Where are we?

We seem to be in a tunnel.

It's your shirt.

You see the hostility?

That's your typical New Yorker. You thought you saw hostility in the park?

till you see it here in the dark. No.

No. You're wrong. Now you're really going to see something. I was right.

see. Remember during the blackout? A crisis brings out the best in New

It brings people closer together.

If anybody gets closer to me, they'll lose their face.

Just keep your mouth shut.

The secret is...

You get people involved.

You ask them to help. Oh, will you?

Staple!

Anybody in this car got a flashlight?

I don't hear anything.

What? It's dark. They can't hear in the dark.

Anybody in our car?

Anybody got a flashlight?

Yeah, and if anybody comes near me, I'll hit them over the head with it.

She heard you pretty good.

Would you turn it on, please?

It's broken.

Why do you carry it? To hit people over the head with it.

It takes a little time.

We've been able to restore partial power.

However, the train will be stuck here indefinitely.

Have a nice day.

No, no, no. You're going to make it. And if I don't, it's not the Staten Island

Ferry. They don't have one leaving every ten minutes. That is the wrong mood.

Relax. Be friends.

Hey,

what am I, a library?

Give me the paint, you semi -civil to the New Yorker.

I think we should all try to cooperate in a crisis. Don't you? I mean, after

all, that's what New Yorkers are famous for. Let's all see what we can do for

each other. Well, I got some food. My wife and I were going on a picnic.

You see? You see? Now, there's the right attitude. I'll bet there are a lot of

people here who are hungry.

Well, I got some apples here, a dollar a piece.

The sandwiches are four dollars.

And the coffee is 70 cents a cup.

That's outrageous.

It's expensive, Pete Al.

Individually wrapped.

I can't believe this. I can't.

Listen, lady, you'll be begging for this food and then the prices will go up.

Listen, you've got a tuna fish salad. No, no, no.

Don't encourage him. People, let's work together. Let's help each other. Felix.

Yes, sir.

How come you and your friend are the only ones sitting under the only fan

operating?

Good point.

Very good point. Tell you what.

We'll take turns sitting under the fan. You see, people are starting to

cooperate. I want to take turns. Yes, yes. We'll all take turns. Just a

Me first.

A little while, somebody else will sit on this thing. When I'm good and ready.

Fair enough.

Claustrophobia. You got that?

No, I just hope I don't get it. What are you talking about, claustrophobia?

There's no need to panic if you want some fresh air.

We'll get some fresh air. All you gotta do is...

panic, no need. Just keep calm. Just keep calm, Oscar.

Everybody, just be relaxed. Yeah, I think it's time for Harvey Hankey to

out. Which Harvey Hankey? Don't you remember Harvey Hankey? Give me your

Saved many a dull party in the old fraternity house, that's right. When

feel like panicking, you take out Harvey. The heck is that?

Say Oscar Madison.

Pencils all chewed.

Don't you have a better one?

There we are. Thank you, thank you. Ah, we've got a pencil here.

Well, no need to feel bored or restless on the subway. Plenty to keep you amused

around here if you just have your eyes open.

Learn to draw.

Anybody want to draw?

I got a $2 pencil.

What'll I do with this pencil?

Oh, find employment through the New York Herald.

Oh, isn't that clever how they abbreviate all the words just like in an

Incursions. Get a good job.

And a lot of people here would like to get a good job.

Oscar, would you like a good job?

I could have shut you.

Meet Miss Rapid Transit of the Month,

Darlene Patelsky. Oh, she's a very good -looking girl, much better than last

month. Boy, they touch these pictures up plenty, Elsa.

You are?

Yeah. You're Arlene Petulski? Yeah. Oh, wow!

We've got a celebrity in our car! Hey, this is Rapid Transit. Meet her. Hey,

wouldn't you like to say something to her?

Wouldn't you like to go outside and kiss the third rail?

Don't be shy. Ask her something. Well, how about getting this train moving? Me?

Yeah. If you're such a big shot around here, let's see some action. What can I

do?

Sure, sure, Miss Rapid Transit. Probably the conductor's girlfriend.

You said it, pal.

Sure, if I played footsie with the conductor, my picture would be up there,

I don't know.

I am nobody's girlfriend.

Then what are you doing tonight? Because I'm going to miss the cruise.

I know a person... Please,

I'm only a model. This is my first time on a subway.

Some people are so crude. This is a job for Harvey Hankey.

Oh, it's worse.

Why don't you and that rotten Hankey sit down and leave everybody alone?

Eight dollars now. Eight dollars? Are you kidding?

Give me half.

Nothing doing. I'm not cutting up my last sandwich.

Who wants to go halfies on a liverwurst sandwich?

Chiseler. All right.

Wait,

there's tax. In your ear, there's going to be tax.

Hey, there.

How are you, fella? Huh?

What's the matter?

Something wrong with this dog?

He looks okay to me.

The dog looks okay to you.

Big dog.

You're not blind.

Have you no shame?

All right, this is my brother's Bernie's dog.

I always take him out when I need a few bucks.

And it's right in here.

Thank you, buddy.

That's it.

You're right. You win.

The whole thing is impossible.

There's something wrong with this dog.

She's going to have puppies.

Who are you, Marlon Perkins?

We don't have to be an expert to know that she's about to give birth.

And she's about ready.

Can you do anything to help her?

I don't know how.

She don't know how from Ohio.

Somebody's got to help her. My brother's a doctor.

Is he on the train? No. Well, why are you wasting my time?

How about Felix?

How about him?

Well, he knew how to make a hanky talk. I figure he knows everything.

Yeah, hey, your friend Felix can help the door.

Why should he?

He's fed up and I don't blame him.

Boy, you guys would take the spirit out of anybody.

You with your newspaper and your smart cracks.

You with your $8 sandwiches.

Yeah, phony blind guy selling up chewed up pencils for $2.

Boy, you guys should have took it out of him. You know, he was the last loyal

New Yorker left.

I'm going to tell you something. We're lucky if he doesn't move out of the city

forever.

We should help the dog. Come on. I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help

him.

If you do know something about helping the dog, you should do it, you know.

Dogs don't need any help. They know how to do it all by themselves.

They do? Of course.

Hey, I better tell them. They're really worried. No, no, no. Why not?

Now you're going to see a cliché exploded.

Felix, listen. We've all been talking, and we're sorry.

The guy with the newspapers will give you one. And the fellow with the

can have anything he has. And you can even sit under the fan.

But if you know anything about helping that dog, could you tell us how to do

Well, let's take a little look.

See what we ought to do here.

Hey, here comes Peter.

Okay, let's give the dog plenty of air. Lie down, sweetheart, lie down. I tell

you, we need newspapers.

We'll spread newspapers on the floor. That's right. Now, next thing we need,

need hot water.

Who's got hot water? I do. I was saving it for tea. But I'll take the loss.

Good. Good. Great. Can I help?

Yes. We need bed sheet.

Where am I going to find bed sheets on a subway?

Good.

Men's shirts.

All the men. Give me your shirts. Yes. Not you. You don't have to do this.

Now, you fan the dog with your shirts. Give her plenty of air. And just be

patient. Don't get her excited.

You see what I'm talking about?

That gruffness, that just a pose, that just a mask. This is the real New

This is what people come from out of town to meet and to love.

You sure fooled me, I'm telling you. I'm going to write an article about this

situation. It's going to make you very happy.

You're going to apologize to New York, huh? I apologize to New York. And I

you owe me an apology.

I apologize, Felix Unger.

We'll be next week. Don't forget we're having lunch soon.

Bye -bye.

Be careful now. Don't get her excited.

They're very, very protective now.

Please transfer to the opposite platform.

This train is going to the railroad yard for repairs.

You'll take your cruise ticket back and you'll get a refund.

And then you'll spend your vacation in the most popular vacation spot on Earth.

Where's that?

New York City. I live in New York City.

You ever been to the top of the Empire State Building?

No. You ever seen the Statue of Liberty?

No. You're a typical New Yorker.

You'll take the bus to Orchard Beach, you'll put on your army shoes, you'll

in the sand.

And you'll see what a railroad yard looks like.

You know what today is?

Thursday. Uh -uh.

Guess again.

Why? It's a very important anniversary.

Oh, yes. Belmont Racetrack's 40th year.

Wrong.

Absolutely dead wrong.

Why? It is eight weeks to the day that we were trapped in the subway.

So? I brought you a little memento.

Subway spelled backwards.