Original subtitles

It's good to know. You scared me.

You were in Chicago.

When did you come home?

I have a minute. I just got... You traveled on a plane like this?

How come? Why did they let you... Never mind. I don't want to know.

How was your trip?

Tiring. Yeah? The hotel I stayed at booked two conventions.

Megaphone makers and the guys who make bullhorn.

Every night in the stairwell, they had an argument.

Always a story when you come back from a trip. Very funny. During the day, just

last, they went around paging each other.

Don't you want a bite to eat?

Matter of fact, I am hungry. You know that?

I'll tell you the truth. I never can eat on a plane. I can't use that midget

silverware.

A lot of action around here while you were gone.

You got lucky?

Don't talk dirty.

I mean the election.

That playground issue is heating up. What playground issue?

The playground issue.

The incumbent councilman, Simpson, is still sponsoring that bill to destroy

playgrounds and put up office buildings. Oh, you may be doing an article on

that. Yeah, I call it the last place to swing. Article?

Boy, that was a manifesto. The public reaction to that article was so great,

inspired us to run a candidate against Simpson this election.

Are you crazy?

Simpson has run unopposed in this district for 14 years. I know it, and

time he's going to be opposed.

Well, good luck. What kind of an idiot agreed to run against Simpson?

He agreed.

This is it.

Madison for council headquarters.

This is it? Yeah.

I've got four volunteers.

No. The old lady came in for a banana cake and I enlisted her.

This is the bakery.

Used to be. Used to be Krausmeier's bakery.

Have a number. 17. Lucky number.

What happened to Krausmeier?

Haven't you heard?

No. They closed him down.

Why? Yeah.

In the back room, he was running a massage parlor.

Hi, Mr. Ranga.

Hello, fellas.

Felix. Who are they?

Gypsies. What are they doing here? They got here first. It's a vacant store.

I'm sharing with them. I gave them a chicken.

See what you're getting me into when I don't... I know it's crazy, but this is

the way you begin.

And you've got the issue.

Playgrounds. And what's more important, you believe in it. And people will

believe you.

They will? Of course they will. Trust me.

You see, what I'm afraid of is I don't know how to campaign and I'm liable to

make a fool out of myself, see?

You're talking to Douglas Dignity.

Would I let you do anything wild? You'll talk to people from your heart. You'll

shake their hands. That's all. That's all. That's all.

Okay, I'll give it a try. All right, great.

We have to be at the Bronx Zoo in 30 minutes. I want a picture of you sitting

a giraffe.

Madison rides high.

What happened to Douglas Dignity?

Mr. Madison?

Yeah? I can't afford a contribution, but I could pierce your ears.

Thanks, but I use clip -ons.

Hi, I'm Larry Elmer.

I've been all over town. I hung up more posters than the FBI.

I'm tired of looking at my face. Go take a nap. You can't. Why not? Felix

called. He wants you to meet him at this restaurant.

Yeah? Is it in a hotel? I'm tired. I'm not hungry. He said it's a big

breakthrough for your campaign, Oscar. You've got to go.

Yeah? Oh, come on. I don't have a chance in this campaign.

Sure you do. Felix said you got the gypsy vote. Now he's working on a

group of people.

Folks who own their furniture.

I've changed for the subway.

Consider it a campaign contribution.

Hey, no special favors, Murray.

I'm a policeman.

Of course not.

We didn't come here to eat.

What are we coming for, the busboy vote?

Do you know Howard K. Smith?

Yeah, I've seen him do the news on TV. Yeah, he eats here.

See him? You see him?

I'm going to get him to mention you on his TV show.

Do you know him? He lives right next door to us. Do you know him?

I pass him on the street all the time, I know.

Mr. Smith?

Hi, Felix Dunger. I want you to meet the next city councilman from your

district, Oscar Madison.

How do you do, sir? Now, we can only stay a moment.

I'm having lunch. Oh, we already ate.

I'll get right to the point.

Do you mind if I have my food? Oh, sure, surely.

You've starched it, haven't you? Why don't we let the gentleman have his

You see? You see the kind of man he is?

Full of concern for his fellow citizens.

Mr. Smith.

Are you aware of the issue in the Madison versus Simpson campaign?

No, what is that?

Good versus evil.

Strong issue.

Where do you stand on it?

You looking for something?

My coleslaw.

Waiter! Mr. Smith's coleslaw.

I'll have an iced tea.

You want some?

Hemlock.

Separate check.

Excuse me. I don't like to talk politics while I'm eating. You're right.

Surely.

We'll wait.

Leave your plate.

Oscar, hurry, you're going to miss this commentary.

Tonight's commentary concerns a local election here in Manhattan.

A sports writer named Oscar Madison is waging an underdog campaign for the city

council. I met Mr. Madison and his campaign manager over lunch today.

After they made sure I ate it all and trimmed the fat and chewed it

they told me the issue.

Mr. Madison is trying to save our neighborhood playground.

He is trying to spread his word without much money. In fact, they stuck me for

the price of the iced tea.

But it's a word that should be heard.

They're making up in drive and in enthusiasm for what they lack in

in manners.

There's a place for these two men in politics.

But not at my table.

Good night, Harry.

Am I a campaign manager?

Boy, that's terrific.

You went coast to coast, right?

Yeah. Now everybody in the country knows you're a pest.

But...

Volunteers, everybody, give me your attention.

Now, Oscar Madison has been out on the streets of this city since early

working his heart out for you and you and you and me.

I think that when he comes back, we should greet him with a rousing welcome.

What do you say?

Good. Okay.

Back to the barricade. Oh, boy, there's really a great feeling in this room,

isn't there? Yeah, where is Oscar, anyway? He's out making contact with

group, another ethnic group.

He hit them all by now.

We leave no stone unturned.

Very easy.

You look sensational.

Did we get the Indian vote?

All three of them.

Did you hear the great news?

What? Miriam took another poll. You're up to 17%. Hey, that's pretty good. Hey,

did you see the afternoon paper?

No. I did.

Mary. Oscar.

What? Simpson concedes on the playground issue. You're kidding.

Everybody, give me your attention.

Great news.

Gypsies, everybody.

Simpson has conceded on the issue of the playgrounds. We keep our playgrounds.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, do you know what this means?

Yeah, it means we get to go home. What are you talking about?

Oh, she's right. We got into this campaign to settle a playground issue.

it. Hey, you all did some terrific job. Thank you all. I'm going to the

racetrack. No, Oscar.

Oscar. Oscar, come back.

Choose to run.

Oh, come on.

Where's your patriotism? What do you want me to be, the father of Lexington

Avenue?

I won the campaign that I wanted to win, and that's all there is to it.

But if you were a councilman, you could do so much more.

You could put great, big, handsome trash baskets on every corner.

You could wash the Statue of Liberty.

You could put those ugly fire hydrants underground so the dogs wouldn't have a

tendency.

It's ridiculous to think that I could win. Why?

Why? One reason we had no money, that's why. Did Washington have money? Somebody

bought those cute wigs for him. He had spirit.

That's what he had. He believed in what he was doing and he had...

publisher. Yes, Mr. Bryan.

Well, to be honest, I was thinking of withdrawing, sir.

I agree with you. That wouldn't be a stupid idea.

Well, it was just a fleeting thought. I mean, I certainly would.

Yes, sir.

Okay. Thank you. Bye -bye.

What? What? You're not going to believe this. What? What?

The publisher. He wants me to continue with my campaign.

He said that spot with Howard K. Smith that gave the paper a lot of publicity.

He doesn't like Simpson, but listen to this.

He's going to finance our campaign.

What is this? I thought we were going on television.

It's not television.

This is the Igor Show.

Igor is a big star, buddy. We're going to talk in front of horror film fans?

They vote.

Horror shows are... Five seconds, Igor. You guys get off the stage.

Three seconds, Igor.

Where's Igor?

I don't know.

We shall return to tonight's horror movie, Mysterious Planet

Debbie.

Right after this word from Councilman Simpson, who is running for re -election

in the 34th Council District.

Mr. Simpson!

Ah!

Thank you, Igor.

You're welcome.

Good evening, friends.

On behalf of my lovely wife, Edith, and my little girl, Irene,

And my son, James, I would like to thank you for the privilege of having served

you for the last 14 years.

During this campaign, I have been opposed by Mr.

Oscar Madison, a public -spirited citizen who has brought to my attention

several pressing community problems.

And for this, I would like to thank him sincerely, Mr. Madison. However, when

you go to the polls tomorrow to cast your vote, I urge you to place your

confidence. In a man with experience, I would like to remind you that it was I

who got the additional police protection for our neighborhoods.

And I would like you to remember that it was I that engineered the federal funds

with which we improved our school.

Lastly, I would like to remind you that a vote for Simpson is a vote for

progress. Thank you very much.

We're going home now to pop some corn.

Thank you, Councilman.

Now, boys and ghouls, back to the mysterious planet Debbie.

As you recall, our hero, Dr.

Rontor, was struggling with the awful curse of the Qataba people.

This is a nice guy.

Igor? He's a pussycat.

I'm Igor Simpson.

Did you fall for all that malarkey? Listen.

You're the man of the people. You're going to wipe him out.

He looked pretty appealing. His kids were so cute, I wanted to go and hug him

myself.

You're on in ten minutes. I'll be right back.

You watch the film on the monitor. It's a real goody. I've seen it seven times.

Here comes the part where the giant cockroach swallowed Rhode Island.

Rhode Island.

Big deal, sweet bite.

Igor.

Wait, the bagpipe and the octopus engaged.

No, no, no, they're still eating. Oh,

don't

cry, folk.

It was only Rhode Island.

Don't you just love the part where he spit out Providence?

Now, right after this commercial, we'll be hearing

from Councilman Simpson's opponent, Oscar Madison.

Commercial rolling.

Oscar.

Please. Thank you, Ingo.

Have you been? I'll be on the air.

Come on.

Who are they?

I don't even know them.

Who are they?

Those are your loved ones.

My loved ones? Yes. No, no. I know what you're doing. They're not my loved ones.

No, no, no.

I'm not going to do it. Two, one, go.

Good evening, everyone. My name is Felix Unger, and I have the great good

fortune and honor.

to be the campaign manager for Oscar Madison, who was unfortunately called

to help a needy person.

I'm surrounded by Mr. Madison's loved ones.

But who wouldn't love the brave hero of Anzio, who single -handedly saved an

entire platoon, the famous 143rd Melting Pot Platoon.

Italians, Jews, Puerto Ricans, you name them, he saved them.

Here is Oscar Madison.

How are the needy people?

They're fine.

My campaign manager, Felix Unger, gets carried away and has a great sense of

humor. These are not my loved ones. They're very nice people, I'm sure, but

they're not my loved ones, and I was not a hero in Anzio.

I would like to be a councilman. I think I did a good job on the playground

issue, and if you do elect me, I'll try harder to do even more for you. Thank

you very much.

Thank you. Thank you. Here's your dollar.

Here's your dollar. Thank you, madam. Here's your dollar.

Now, why are you so mad at me?

If I made a mistake, it's only because of Oprah's zealousness. I went too far.

All right.

Trying to get me votes from who?

Ghouls in Pennsylvania?

Ethnically, it wasn't probable. But she's going to vote for you. She's going

vote for you.

What are you going to do, fire me? No, I don't want to fire you. I just don't

want to go through that craziness. These are your loved ones. How am I going to

handle that? There's no more craziness. We've got one more day, and, baby, we're

going to go.

Where? To the top.

sweet and so beguiling, a face you'd love to kiss.

And so election night draws to a close over New York, ending one of the most

harrowing campaigns in local history. The 34th district had the largest voter

turnout, and the final count is now in.

It's Simpson with 5 ,413 votes, and Madison, 5 ,280 votes.

Simpson retains his council seat. Now back to our regular programming.

Simpson is the winner.

Hey, come on here. What's the matter with you people?

We got 48 % of the vote. What are you depressed about?

Do you realize we almost took an election away from a man who's been

years? I guarantee you Simpson will be on his toes from now on in.

You know who's responsible for this mostly?

My best friend and my campaign manager, Felix Unger, and he'll explain it better

than I will.

It's an hour and a half already.

You're not listening to me.

Now, hear this.

Now, hear this. You did very, very well.

The problem was that you had dreams of grandeur. You even pictured me as the

president, didn't you?

Come on, buddy.

Let's go out of here proud. I can't tell you. You did a great job, and I'm so

proud of you.

I want to thank you for everything you did.

Come on, buddy. Let's go home.

You were terrific.

Thank you, Oscar.