Original subtitles

Hello, New York Herald?

Oscar Madison, please.

He's not in.

Well, let it ring, operator. Sometimes he can't find the phone under the

Hello? Sports Department?

Is Oscar Madison there, please?

What?

He's out on an interview?

Well, doesn't he know he's over an hour late for dinner? That I've got a

meatloaf in the oven that's slowly turning into a footrest?

Why doesn't he tell me before he goes out on these things?

No, this is not his father.

No, no message. I'm sure he'll come home in his own good time.

Well, Oscar, old buddy, you got any more questions you want to ask me about my

football team? No, no, no. I got enough material for my column. Now, this is the

way a man should work, see? Ten questions and a winning hand. I bet him.

Sam, you still contemplating? Boy, we're only in New York for the weekend, you

know. Don't rush me. I got five cards with only two eyes.

Listen, Oscar, I'm giving this to your charity by Saturday night, and I'd be

mighty pleased if you and the filly of your choice would consent to come.

Thanks, I'll be there.

Yes, you'd be quite a hoedown. I got a top -notch band, boy. I'm flying Ma Gump

and her tumbleweeds in from El Paso.

Ma Gump? The kindest, sweetest, most toe -tapping lady you ever saw.

58 years old and tobacco -spitting champ of Dawson County.

No kidding.

Well, I got... Four red cards, one black.

I'm yellow.

I quit.

Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Oscar.

Yeah, Billy Joe cost you $100 this evening. I hope that's not going to

you.

Gee, I tipped the cab driving more than that yesterday.

Okay, buddy, here's your $100, and I'll raise you $500.

You'll raise me $500?

Listen, I got your beep, and I'm all tapped out.

Well, let's not hassle over a few measly dollars. I'll trust you for it. You

will? That's what I love, a gentleman's game. I got a full house, three kings,

two queens. Sorry about that.

I'm afraid I got you whooped, Oscar.

Two pair.

As well as two pair beat a full house. When they're two pair aces.

Four aces?

That's all they're on.

Well, you're a little short, buddy, but 500 bucks, that ain't much.

No, that ain't much.

Huge. I tipped my doorman more than that yesterday.

Billy Joe, I got bad news for you. It looks like Ma Gump ain't gonna be able

make it up from El Paso this week for the dance.

She's in a family way.

Thought she said she was 58 years old.

Well, now, she's a right pretty girl when she's got her teeth in.

Now, look, Dick, buddy, you're gonna have to get me a real country band

boy. That ain't gonna be easy, Billy Joe. All the good bands are down in

Nashville this week for that country music round. Now, listen, buddy.

You are my business manager.

Now, come Saturday, I want to hear a band, not excuses.

I'll get right on it, Billy Joe.

Oh, Oscar.

About that $500 you owe Billy Joe?

He'll take your check.

Well, that's no good, you see.

This month's service charge wiped me out.

Will he take an IOU?

Well, last fellow tried to give Billy Joe an IOU. Got about as far as the O.

As far as the O?

Yeah. They found him a couple days later coughing up the ace of spades.

Won't he give me some time to pay him back?

Well, how much time you gonna need?

Well, let's see. There's the back alimony, the bookie, the food.

There's the rent.

See, but I could stall the food and the rent about 11 months.

Billy Joe allows only 24 hours.

Oh, okay.

I'll get it for my roommate.

As long as you get the $500 up by 7 o 'clock tomorrow night.

Well, don't worry. He's my best friend. When I tell him I'm in trouble, he'll

give me the money like that.

I'll tell him what happened. I had a full house. A guy built four races. He

understands about things like that.

I'll trick him into it.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, buddy.

Don't ask me about my arm. I don't want to upset you.

Oh, boy, what a pleasure it is to come home. Look how you set a nice table, you

know? No matter what kind of a jungle it is out there, it's always so nice to

come here.

flowers, everything's so nice. All right, Phoenix, what's the matter?

Something's wrong. I can tell by your conversation.

You're late.

I'm sorry.

You're over an hour and a half late.

I'm sorry. Come on, let's see. We'll talk about my soram later. Come on,

see. We'll talk about it later.

What am I supposed to do? Go and get your food for you?

What am I, your slave?

From now on, you're going to get your own food. Do you hear that?

What I'm doing now, I'm never going to do this again.

Well, this is the next to my sore arm that hurts.

It's your ex -meatloaf.

Rest in peace.

Not bad. Just need some ketchup, that's all.

See if I can open it.

I don't know why I cook for

you. Because people like you don't even appreciate an instant meal. That's why

they have TV dinners.

I said I was sorry.

That covers it, huh?

No way.

I want your solemn promise that this will never happen again.

Do I have your promise? Yeah, I promise. I promise.

I've got a closet full of your promises.

What's the matter with your arm?

You noticed.

I didn't want you to notice me upset you like that. What is it? What's the

matter? No, no, you told me.

I was on the subway. 40 seconds for you. The guy got on. He must have been

drunk. His head got caught right in the doors. I went over. I rushed. I opened

the doors. Nobody got his head out.

Oh, but you saved that. It hurts, huh?

It's all right. I can live with it.

I'm going to get a beer.

You're coming with me? I'm taking you straight to the doctor. I've already

to a doctor. Now I can do without the operation.

What operation?

I told you, if I get the operation, I can't afford it anyway.

Don't die with your teeth. Let me do this for you.

Thank you.

How much is the operation?

$500.

Still, $500 is not so much for an operation. It is to me.

Houston, I'm going to loan you the money. Oh, no, I can't ask you to do

don't want to hear another word out of you.

We're friends, aren't we? You do the same for me. You owe me $500.

I told you, I don't want to hear another one. I don't mean to do it. I swear I

don't. Where's my checkbook? You usually keep it in the middle drawer, right?

Huh?

You bunco artist.

Have you no shame?

No.

It's not enough that you come home late for dinner, but you give me that sleazy

story about subways and arms.

Well, I gave it a shot. Didn't work. I gotta find something else. Thought you

could play on my sympathy, didn't you? But I'm too smart for you.

That's $500.

I'm telling you this, mister.

It's your mark for a trash masher.

Why don't you give it to me? We'll live with loose garbage.

Now hear this, Madison.

New rules. I'm laying down the law. From now on, no more late for dinner and no

more crazy stories about the subway. Comprende?

Eat your meatloaf. It's good. Will you stop nagging? I'll eat it already.

expecting me to dinner tomorrow night, you better be on time because I'm having

the sofisticados here.

What are sofisticados?

You know my band, the sofisticados. Don't make any remarks. Come on.

How's it doing you back?

I told you, no smart remarks.

My band's doing all right.

We need one good break, that's all.

Yeah, like Ma Gump getting pregnant.

Ma Gump is pregnant.

That's why you need the $500, isn't it?

This is the last time I'm getting your dessert.

Hey, Oscar, you raised the money. You're coming to pay off. Well, not exactly.

Boy, howdy. Wait a minute, will you? Now, did Billy Joe get a band for the

party? No, he didn't, and he's all riled up about it. Don't worry, I'm going to

rile him down.

Dad, burn it. I almost got Ma Gump's sister Hoedown Harriet to play for us,

she won't work on Gabby Hay's birthday.

Uh, buddy, you come to pay up?

Well, listen, Billy Joe, I've been thinking you're a rich man. Now, what

money mean to you?

Everything.

Well, I was thinking about paying you up on something more important than money.

Oh, you got oil?

Something more important than that. I can get you a band for your party.

Don't play with me, buddy. I'm not playing with you. Now, I can get you a

It won't cost you a penny. I'll donate it to your favorite charity.

Hey, you know, now, that would really pull me out of the well, buddy. You can

get me a real country band. The country... Well, you get me a country

I'll forget the $500 you owe me. Hey, that's a deal.

Oh, good. Hey, wait a minute, old buddy.

What name is your band?

Oh, uh, Felix Red River Unger and his Saddlesores.

Oh, and they play the country -est music you ever heard in your life.

Do I?

Felix Unger and the Sophisticados, ladies and gentlemen.

If we're so good, how come we can't get a gig?

We will, we will, Vern. It just takes a little time. That's all.

Don't get down. Yeah, listen, I read somewhere where it took Ishka Bibble a

six years before he made it big. There you are, there you are. You said we'd

work, we'd be singing. We will. There's a call for sophisticated music.

Hey, look, music's on. It's horrific out in the hall. Play another one, will

you, fellas? Yeah, okay, come on, let's go. Did I hear anyone say horns up?

What's your crazy story this time? Making a baby shower for Ma Gump? I'm

Stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.

Maybe not interested in the job.

What job?

For you and the band. That's why I'm late.

Where? At the Ritz Towers. It's for some football fans. They're here to see the

Jets game. The Ritz Towers? Fellas, I told you we'd work. Oh, that's so great.

I'm sorry. I snapped at you, Oscar. Stuff your sorries in a sack, mister.

Hey, that's a good one, Oscar.

How much do we get paid?

Try nothing.

Nothing? Yeah.

Nothing doing, buddy.

This is a charity. A band gets to be heard by a lot of rich people. Who knows

what can happen?

Charity? Yeah.

Do we have to dance with the singles?

No, no mixing.

What do you say? Rich Towers. Hey, that's a very sophisticated room.

Let's do it, guys. What do you say? Yeah, let's go.

Thank you. Let's do a song for Oscar. Yeah, I like a folksy one. Number 23.

Okay. Folksy.

Golly gee.

Jeepers, creepers. Where'd you get them? Where'd you get those creepers?

Jeepers, creepers. Where'd you get them? Where'd you get those eyes? Where'd you

get them?

Golly gee.

When you turn those heaters on.

Woe is me.

Gotta put my cheaters on.

Jeepers, creepers.

Where'd you get those creepers?

Oh, those weakers. How they hypnotize.

Where'd you get those eyes? Eyes.

Where'd you get those thighs?

You

don't

want to see this room, do you?

Of course I want to see it. I've got to check the acoustics, the microphone. I

already checked them out on the telephone.

You can't check them on the telephone.

What's this? What's what?

Straw on the floor.

That's right, it looks like straw.

What's this stuff? What is it? Oh, this is fertilizer.

Yes, look at this. A nice microphone goes up and down for a nice thing like

this. What a mess.

Look who I'm talking to about a mess. The acoustics are pretty nice. You hit

straw, it comes right back to you.

Kids, I'll tell you that. It's real. Why? It's a big operation.

Scholars are a class act. We will not perform in this ambiance.

It's a great ambiance. Maybe the other guys will like this ambiance.

Hey, Oscar.

Glad you're here, buddy.

Oh, hi, Billy Joe. Nice to see you.

Billy Joe, I'd like to meet my roommate and your conductor for tonight.

He came in to check the room.

Well, now, I'm mighty pleased to shake your hand, Red River.

Red River, where are your saddle sores?

I want.

Come on, Red, let's go. So this good old boy's going to make my people happy,

huh? Well, I want to keep it moving, buddy.

I want this place to shake like two tomcats in a gunny sack.

I want Action Boy action. You're going to have this place cleaned up, aren't

you? Clean?

I had these decorations flown in all the way from Texas just for this here barn

dance.

Barn dance?

That's right.

Ribs done spit, beer in the keg, grandpa's dancing on a wooden leg. He

spinning around and around till he screwed himself right in the ground.

Can I talk to you for a

moment, Oscar?

And

that's

what Oscar wanted us to lower ourselves to.

Country music.

What's that difference? What kind of music do you play? A band's a band,

That from a man who had a jukebox at his wedding.

All right, fellas. All together.

No dice.

Oscar. And.

Come on. And.

You mean you guys will play?

Maybe we should, Felix. Look, I mean, I'm a policeman.

Ellen's an interior decorator. Bob's a butcher. And Vern's a gynecologist.

I mean, we're just a bunch of guys playing for fun.

Degradation is not fun.

It could be.

It will be fun. Bob's a great country fiddle player.

Yeah, Oscar could play the washboard.

He's never even been near a washboard.

Fellas, I'm warning you, count me out.

You're out.

Who'll lead the band?

I'll lead the band. Oh, that's a hot one.

Ho, ho, ho!

Come on, you always make a big deal, and I could do it. It's easy.

What do you say, fellas?

Yeah, let's play, huh? Thanks a lot, fellas. Just remember, without Felix

you're not a band. You're just a mob.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry.

I think he's a little peeved on. How is this all losing?

What do we do now? We play a song.

Which one?

Billy Joe. You know what he likes?

Uh, Coming Around the Mountain. Okay. All right, but you better lead us,

we don't know this one too good. What do you want?

Get it with the baton. Oh, it'll be my pleasure. Well, it's easy. Here we go.

What are you doing, fellas?

Come on, play it. Where are you playing it from?

Let's go.

In the middle. Play it in the middle.

Why don't you play it fast and you play it slow? What is it? In the middle.

Well, you were leading us.

You mean you watched the guy with the baton?

It looks so easy.

Let's do something we all know, like I got spurs that jingle jangle. Okay,

anything. Come on.

Wait,

wait, wait. Vern, you're playing in the wrong key.

Me? You guys are off.

All right. Oscar, who was playing in the wrong key? Yeah.

Sounded great to me.

Felix would know who's off.

Oh, I sure miss Felix.

All right, we'll get him back.

How? Oh, play that.

Thunder the Pioneer song. The tumbling weeds. What a tumbling tumbling weed.

Play that.

There they go rumbling down.

Black angel off to the ground.

There they go singing that song.

I'm sorry, Felix.

And... I'm sorry, Felix. Very good. You were on the wrong key before, Bert. Yes.

All right.

That detestable mountain thing. Horns up.

Con molto spirito.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. Yahoo!

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. Yeah, yeah, go!

She'll be coming round the mountain. She'll be coming round the mountain.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

Woo!

Tumbling, tumbling, tumbling, tumbling.

Tumbling.

Red River Underground is tattled to us, ladies and gentlemen.

You are.

Ah -ha!

Hey!

Big fuzz, men.

Don't make one.

Oscar? Oscar.

Oscar. Hey, you're a big hit here, Red River. I am in love with country music.

love it.

What? This coming from the leader of the sophisticated?

I love it. What can I tell you? Hey, Billy Joe, having a good time? Hi there,

partner. Pull up barrel and set spell.

Think the rain will hurt the rhubarb? Not if it's in the can, it won't.

Oscar,

I got a hand of you, old boy. That band is sharper than a cackle. Oh, it ain't

nothing.

Well, thank you, buddy. You really know how to pay off on a poker debt.

What poker debt?

I think I'll mosey on down.

I told it right here. What poker day?

Felix, why don't you play Tumbling Tumbleweeds again? I love the way you do

and they go crazy. Dang the message.

What message?

You got into a great big poker game with Billy Joe Grissom, didn't you? Yeah,

well, I went down there. Yeah, and you lost your shirt, didn't you? Well, I

wasn't. Then you had the bright idea of paying off with my band, right? What was

I going to do? I owed them $500.

You sold out the sophisticatos for $500 measly dollars? How low can you get?

Hey, Red River, I'm going to cool it off, boy. Let's have a square dance.

Why don't you call the square dancer? You could yell at me later, yeah?

You call it. What?

You call it. It's your mess. You clean it up for it. You clean it up for it.

clean it up for it. You clean it up for it.

You clean it up for it. You clean it up for it. You clean it up for it.

Touch your toe. Shuffle up the buffalo.

Grab your bun and wrap your socks.

A dozen bagels upon the lot. Save an haircut.

Stupid.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Now, what in thunder was that? I almost choked on my garters on that last line,

boy. I'm sorry, Billy. You know, I think it ought to take about $500 out of your

high.

That's crazy old and his bunkhouse boomer. Let's hear it for him.

Okay, now we'll have the real bar dance. You ready, fellas?

Thanks, Bill. Nothing to it, partner.

Bow to your partners, coroners, all. Wave to the pretty gal. Cross the hall.

Alleman, left with your left hand. Back to your partner, right, left, right.

circle south. Let a little sunshine in your mouth. Drop your hands and single

file. Go back home Indian style.

One, two, three, four.

When you get there, swing and whirl.

Swing and swing, that pretty little girl.

Okay, Oscar, show your style. Come on up and dance a while.

No, thank you. I'll stay right here. You have fun. I'll drink my beer.

I know that you refuse to do -si -do.

Don't you squeal, I'll do my debts. That's better than having...

Felix Red River hunger and his saddle soars from high atop the beautiful Ritz

Towers overlooking Gotham by the sea, asking the musical question, good night.

Now au revoir, a bit of a tweet tweet, a bit of a toodle doodle, bon cheerio.

I should be angry at you, but I had so much fun, I can't be. Look, there's just

one more thing.

Don't let the band pack up. Billy Joe wants to sing one song.

Is there no end?

Is there no end? How long does it take to sing one of those songs? Everything

will be all right. Come on.