Original subtitles

Hey. Hey. Look who's here. Hiya, Leonard.

Hi, Blaster. Where you got the box? Show him what you got in the box.

What? Yeah, you got to approach his name.

His name is Mack.

Mack? Yeah. What's the name of Mack? I named him. Yeah. Why?

Because he's one in a million.

Mack's a million.

Get it?

What kind of frog is he? He's a jumper. He's a jumper, yeah.

Can he answer one question? Tell him. Tell him.

Whoa,

what a frisky one.

Yeah, what are you going to do with him? I'm going to enter him in the contest

tomorrow. Just a minute. You're going to do what? I'm going to enter him in the

final tomorrow. Final frog jumping contest tomorrow. Is he good? He's good,

yeah. Tell him. Tell him. He beat every frog on the east side.

By two jumps. By two jumps. He beat Leaping with Barry in the semi -finals

afternoon. Yeah, go wash your hands. I don't want to. Put the frog in the box

and wash your hands and change your clothes. Come on. Go. Go.

Go ahead, Leonard.

I'll see you later.

We're going out to dinner.

It's terrific.

A father -son and fraud dinner.

We're leaving Max here.

Max is going to eat in.

Will you watch him while we're out?

Well, for a little while. I've got a date with Sylvia later. We won't be

I guess what's the matter?

Nothing. Come on. You can't fool me. Usually when you're with Leonard, you're

rough, you're happy. Now you seem depressed.

What's the matter?

I was politely invited not to come to the frog jumping contest tomorrow.

You mean one of the officials asked you to stay away?

Guess again.

Yes, sir. Yeah. Why?

Well, he says I butt in. He says I try to run everything. I don't know. Oh, so

you're Mr. Frog Jumping Contest. That's not it.

He said he's excluding me from his entire life.

I only see him weekends.

He doesn't even like me. Oh, that's silly. No, no, it's not.

Come on.

He thinks more of that frog than he does of me.

Don't know why, and I just met him.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Hi, Billy. Hey.

It's time you go to bed. You're tired.

I'm not tired, Dad. You're not tired. You can't even walk.

Tomorrow's a big day.

Say goodnight, Uncle Oscar. Night, Uncle Oscar. Night, Leonard.

Night, Dad.

Sleep well. Okay, bye.

Don't go in Uncle Oscar's room. You'll have nightmares all night.

I'm a fun dad, you know that?

You're in a better mood, aren't you? Things are looking up. We had a very

time. We really did.

Very nice. You had a wonderful dinner. Yes. You've been proud of me. I

restrained myself. I didn't interfere.

I let him do anything he wanted to. Really. I let him go to the men's room

by himself. No kidding. I don't believe you. No, I mean it. I mean it. I let him

order anything he wanted. I didn't say one word.

He had Boston cream pie for appetizer.

He's a cute kid, and you went to River.

Nice.

What's the matter? I got the lid off the frog's box.

Oh, yeah. I gave him some pizza before. I guess I forgot to put it back on.

You gave a frog pizza?

He loved it. Anyway, his name's Lazarian. That's the other frog, the one

beat, the runner -up. His name is Max. One in a million, Max. Where is

he? I don't know. You fink!

I can't trust you with anything.

He's just a frog. Just a frog!

Just a frog!

That's like saying, Sabu is just an actor.

Will you see how upset I am?

I'm sorry, Felix. Talk is cheap, mister.

Leonard's got to blame this on me. Why would he do that? Because everybody

blames everything on me.

My father blamed me for the depression.

Don't laugh.

It's serious.

But you're acting silly.

I'm not silly. Now, where's the frog?

I don't know. He's around here somewhere.

I'll show you.

Come on. Where's Max?

Come on, Max. Come on, Max. Where are you? Are you calling a dog? You don't

a frog like that. How do you call a frog?

Ribbit.

Ribbit.

Ribbit. Ribbit, ribbit.

Ribbit, ribbit.

You have to say everything I say?

Well, look, I'm in the pain frog.

Come in.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Felix. Hi, Murray.

I found it. For what?

That's a half a dollar. By the keepers.

I'm looking for a frog.

A frog? Oscar lost my son's frog.

Well, maybe he's not really lost. Maybe he just changed it to a handsome prince.

How long has the frog been missing?

Just a little while. I left him with Oscar.

Last seen with Oscar Madison, huh?

Can you describe this frog?

Oh, he's a beautiful frog, Murray, really.

He's emerald green.

He's got the most amazing blue eyes.

He's about two inches tall.

Should be easy to spot in the lineup. What are you doing, Murray?

I'm a policeman, Oscar, and I believe in going by the book. Now, just let me

take charge here, okay?

Go ahead.

All right.

Where was the frog last?

He was over there on the TV set.

On the TV set, huh?

Okay. In the box? Yes, in the box.

Can that frog jump?

About six feet?

Six feet.

One, two, three, four.

He went out like

a champ.

Now, don't fall apart.

My entire relationship with my son.

Oh, come on, will you? You're exaggerating. Every weekend is a total

don't know.

Last weekend, I took him to the circus.

The zebra misbehaved on its foot.

You think he's going to remember this weekend for the Boston cream pie? No.

is the weekend his father murdered his frog.

I'm telling you, everything's going to be all right.

Sitting there, being depressed is not going to help anything.

You know what we'll do? We'll go out, we'll get him another frog. They all

alike. He won't know the difference.

Counterfeiter, you can't fool that kid. He's an unger.

All right, we'll tell him the truth.

We'll tell him we lost a frog. We'll give him another one. Where are we going

get another frog?

We'll find a pet store or something. Come on, let's hurry up. Surprise!

Come on. What about your date?

Oh, I'll call her later. Come on. Murray, will you stay with Leonard?

Just for a little while. I've got to go on a special assignment later.

Oh, now wait a minute.

Maybe he didn't jump out the window. So you go around, you call around a little

bit. His name is... What was his name?

No, no. His name is Mac.

Mac the Millionaire. One in a million Macs. You'll take any frog that answers.

They

must

have a flamingo in here.

to flamingos. You have an allergy to flamingos? No, I've got my inhalation.

Kill all the animals, but don't hurt me.

He's not a stick -up. He's allergic to the flamingos.

Just my nose.

Hi,

I'm Buck. What can I do for you?

We're looking for something in a frog.

Should be young, athletic, a good jumper. What goes high is a buck and a

quarter. No, no, no.

Money is no object.

Well, then, if money's no object, how about buying the store?

No, we just... We just want a frog. Well, I've only got one frog, it's true.

Only got one frog in the whole store?

I don't generally carry frogs. If you want a frog, you go out in the lake. I

only carry pedigrees. All right, we'll take a pedigree. Show us what you got,

will you?

I've got a YSF.

Yugoslavian swamp frog. Real clean. One previous owner.

The YSF, the Yugoslavian swamp frog.

Is he a good jumper?

Got out of Yugoslavia, didn't he?

Nice looking frog.

Why doesn't he move?

He looks bored.

Nobody likes a blase frog.

He looks depressed.

Something been bothering him lately?

The usual inflation Watergate middies.

Look, I'm getting ready to close, you know.

Is there some sort of warranty you offer? Not by the television setting.

Can I bring him back if he isn't right? I guess. How do I bring him back? Just

let him out the door. He'll hop in a cab.

I don't need sarcasm. I don't need the froggy back either.

Leonard, hear anything?

No, he's sleeping like a log.

How you doing with Dubrovnik here? Nothing, nothing.

Maybe sick.

Feel his forehead.

Not sick.

Just not very intelligent.

Jump! Jump!

You're the one that's not very intelligent.

Jump! Jump!

He's a Yugoslavian frog. He doesn't understand English.

How do you say jump in Yugoslavian?

Jumka!

You do it because you're laughing. You look so silly. No, you see him.

We've got to psych him out. How do we do that? Well, you see, he knows that

we're watching him. They all love attention.

We'll ignore him.

Oh, you mean that casual?

Yeah.

Hi, brother. How you doing?

Doing anything?

Nope. But I am.

I'm making a fool out of myself trying to act nonchalant in front of a frog.

The laziest frog I've ever seen. ever saw. He probably sends out for flies.

We've got to get another frog.

What? We've got to get another frog. How are we going to do that?

All the pet stores are closed.

We have to go to the lake in Central Park. It's our only hope. You think I'm

going to break a date with a girl who has been waiting for two hours to go to

Central Park to catch a frog?

A swell guy would.

Yeah, well, I'm not a swell guy.

What other choice have we got? I'll tell you. Tell Leonard the truth.

Tell the little boy his frog is dead. Yes. Break his heart. He'll understand.

He's a bigger kid than you think. That's the trouble with parents today. They're

not straightforward with their children.

Dr. Spock, go. Go. You tell him. Me? I give you permission.

Yeah. All right. I will tell him. You'll see I'll understand.

It's better than going to a lake in Central Park. You'll see.

Leonard?

Leonard?

Listen, I'm sorry to wake you up, but I want to... See, I don't feel like

playing cards right now. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't wake you up to play cards this

time. And I'm going to pay you back the money I owe you, too.

Then what's the matter?

Well, I want to talk to you about Max. He's a great frog, isn't he? Oh, he's

in a million. You kidding?

I can't wait until tomorrow.

Never won a contest in my life.

We would have won the Little League pennant last year, except I struck out

the bases loaded.

They called me Leonard the Loser.

Oh, boy.

What do you want to say about Mac?

Oh, just, did you know I'm writing a series of articles on amphibian

I'm going to start with Mark Spitz and work my way up to Max.

Really?

Thanks, Uncle Oscar.

Okay, listen, your Aunt Miriam will look in on you once in a while. Your father

and I have to go out.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go jump in the lake.

I'm a fun uncle.

Good night, Winner. Bye.

Felix, you've been folding your cups for ten minutes now.

Get into this lake with me. I don't want to ruin the grease.

You get into this lake with me right now or I'm going home. Oh, right. I don't

know why you just can't shoo the frogs over to be nicely. And I'll catch them.

What's the matter?

Oh, the mud on the bottom here. What did you expect, carpeting?

It's such ooze and slime.

It feels like I'm walking on ripe bananas.

When did you do that?

It's a fraternity film. I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, it's your idea, and I think it's a stupid one.

Good idea.

Now, empty the Yugoslavian frog in here, and he'll attract the other frogs. Come

on. Come on. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Maybe somebody's going to come to him. Now, just stick your hand in the water,

see if you can find a frog.

Do I have to touch them?

Not unless you can catch them with your teeth.

What is it with you? Didn't you train Max?

Yes, but I knew something about his background. He wasn't wallowing in mud

this.

Rip it.

Rip it.

I'm going to have to disinfect my feet before I put my shoes and socks back on.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Where are your shoes and socks?

I'm wearing them.

I wonder how it got here.

Maybe this is where the SS Acapulco went down.

Come on, cut the comedy, will you? It's late.

I don't believe this.

I'm a grown man.

I'm standing in mud up to my knees.

Surrounded by old Yiddish newspapers.

Half an orange peel.

And you're imitating a frog.

I wish I had felt this way 20 years ago.

I could have gotten out of the army.

Just say to yourself, nothing else can happen tonight.

Here comes a girl.

That is the ugliest girl I ever saw.

afraid to show that face in the afternoon.

Hey, guys, it's me, Murray.

Murray? Our Murray?

In the flesh.

This is your special assignment?

Yeah, we're trying to catch some of your more shady types.

And you're the bait?

This time of night, the muggers don't get a great selection.

It's either me or Kowalski.

And he's really let himself go.

What are you guys doing? We're looking for frogs.

You won't find any frogs in there. The kids cleaned it all out last week for

big contest tomorrow.

We tried, Phoenix.

We tried. Even the Walton couldn't do more for that kid.

Oh, Leonard, Leonard, I have no words to ease thy pain.

Don't kid around now, Oscar. Oscar,

I beg you, I'm not in the mood for it now.

Look at this.

You typed on him.

When do we jump to him in the time? Poor little fellow.

Oh, his leg is hurt.

Oh, poor little boy.

Yes, he's hungry.

Get him something to eat.

What's the frog eat?

Flies, of course.

Then we're going to get a fly this time of night. In your room.

A frog is sick. Oh, the frog's free.

That's an emergency?

My wife ran off with a flea collar salesman. Did I come over and wake you

My little son is going to be heartbroken if the frog doesn't jump in the big

contest. Just take a look at it, will you?

All right, I'll look at the frog.

Yeah, this is not the Yugoslavian frog we bought. That's an American frog.

An American frog you fed up.

You all right?

Well, here's your trouble. You know he's got a letter E on his leg? Yeah, we

know that.

He got caught in a typewriter.

Gee, if you'd hit the W, you could have killed him.

You know, I almost did hit the W. Worse yet, if you'd hit him with the

backspace, he'd never had babies.

Is he going to be all right? Yeah, yeah, he's going to live a long life, but his

jumping days are over.

Oh, no, come on. You're a pro.

You can do something for him.

Well, you can try a little massage, a little heat, maybe a tranquilizer,

That will help? Well, no, it'll help you.

No!

They didn't give up on Black Beauty. They didn't give up on Bambi. They

give up on Flicka. What do you know? Don't yell at me in front of the

Get out of here before I call a police dog.

People like you don't belong in pets. At least I never typed on one.

Thanks for nothing, Mr.

Flamingo. Seller.

Well, Morris, there certainly are some cuckoos in this town.

Okay. It's the moron.

You're going to make it, boy.

You're going to make it. How's he look? He's coming along. There's a little ass

friend. Come on.

Oh,

come on. You're an hunger. We're going to get you going. Come on.

Are you crazy?

Frog molted?

Giving him a whirlpool bath.

Where were you, buddy? I massaged him. I know. At 7 o 'clock in the morning,

you've been at it for hours. I'm telling you, he's never going to jump. He's got

to jump. Leonard's up already. He's getting ready. I gave him a heating pad.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Oscar.

Big day.

This is the big day, Leonard.

Hi, Max. Come on. Jump.

Jump. I don't think he's going to jump. Of course he's going to. Why not?

I believe he's going to jump. I believe in faith.

I believe in the power of cosmic thinking. How about that? He did it!

You did it! I don't believe it!

He's gonna win, Leonard.

It's gonna be a great thing to see.

It sure will.

Well, goodbye, Dad.

Leonard?

to take your father with you, huh?

Well, I've thought about it, and I really would like him to go.

But you know how it gets.

Like at the Little League team.

Tried to show the umpire how to clean off home base.

Yeah, I know what he's like, but you know, he really means well.

I know.

Let me tell you what happened yesterday.

Max jumped into the typewriter and I sprained his leg.

Because an expert said that he would never jump again.

But he just did.

You know why?

Because your father spent hours. He massaged him. He gave him warm baths. He

everything for him.

But why?

Because he didn't want to disappoint you.

for the contest.

Oh, I... I've got a million things to clean up here. You don't want me to go

alone. Okay, I'll go.

We've got a win, too. You'll see. You push the elevator button, I'll be right

with you.

My blood is thicker than water. He wanted me over.

Hey, listen. Whoa, whoa.

Before you go, do me a favor. Please remember, it's Leonard's day. Let him

fun his way, okay?

It doesn't matter how he starts, Max. It doesn't matter if Max wins. It doesn't

matter if the kids cheat. Please, let him have fun, all right?

Thanks, Oscar.

And listen, if there's any action, put $20 for me.

I don't know.

I

just...

I'm just too emotional, Oscar. Would you... Would you care to say a few

Max, winning the frog contest and jumping above and beyond the call of

even though you had a typewriter sprained leg, we're going to set you

I want you to go. You should have a good time.

Find a lot of friends.

Live happy.

Go, Max, live.

Back to nature, man.

Go.

Yeah.

Don't sing.