Original subtitles

Did you type up that Tom Seaver interview?

Baby, what's the matter? All right, forget about the interview. Go out and

the lunch, will you?

Type up the interview later. Give me your sandwich. Give me your salami and

jelly on rye.

And hold the pickle, okay? What do you want, Phoenix? Oscar, she's crying. Tell

her what you want. Will you?

A chef's salad, I'll say.

Never mind, I'll have whatever he's having.

Oscar!

How can you let her go out like that?

You're right.

I got to order drink.

I'm getting a salami and jelly on rye.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar! What? She's crying! I know she's crying! Why is she crying? The usual

thing of broken romance.

That's terrible.

There's nothing new.

Oh, you're a cold cookie, you know that? When you cut it out, it's not that. She

always has trouble with boyfriends.

Who is it this time?

A guy named Sheldon.

Shelton. Hello, Shelton.

What happened?

I don't know. He left a note. Didn't say where he was going when he was coming

back. Cold.

Cold.

Cold. Oh, when you cut it out.

She'll find the right guy. Don't worry.

I'll buy that.

You'll buy what?

We'll find her Mr.

Right. No, no, no, no. I didn't say we. I said she'll find the right guy. No,

no. We'll help her. You know everybody. You're in sports.

You know every eligible man in New York. Oh, come on. Here it is.

Well, you want me to get her a date? Why don't you get her a date? You know all

the young guys. Come on. Why should a lovely person like Myrna suffer? Because

if you love, you suffer.

Now, I can feel for Myrna, but I can't let her love life into... I can't butt

into her life.

When my friends are in trouble, I feel it, Buster. I make it my business. What

am I supposed to do with this?

File it. Where? How? I don't... Who cares?

You satisfied?

Perfect. What I want to know is, about Myrna, are we going to row this boat

two oars or one?

All of a sudden, we're in a boat?

All right.

After lunch, I'll get her a date. You promise me? I promise.

All right.

Where do we eat?

Where do we eat?

You're only having a sandwich.

Since when do I eat standing up?

I don't see a place.

And there's your toilet.

Oh, hi.

I'm here for my blind date. Yes. How do I look?

Terrible, huh? I'm going home. No, you look beautiful. Now, don't talk that

Not every girl gets a date with a great big football star.

Look what Uncle Felix made for you.

An official chopped liver football.

See how I made the laces? I did it with little anchovies. And the valve where

you pump it up?

Null it.

I'll tell him you made it. That's cute.

I really appreciate all you're doing, Mr. Unger, but I'm not so good with

dates. I don't want to hear any more talk like this.

Now, Uncle Oscar's fixed you up with the leading scorer in professional

football. He's going to be crazy about you.

Why?

May I present Zeno Karasidin, best place kicker in pro football by way of

Albania.

I speak to you a moment about your typewriter.

What?

That's the star athlete you found?

Well, at the last minute, the best I could come up with was Zeno.

Doesn't look too promising, does it? Why, because he doesn't speak much

He doesn't speak any English. Geek is not English.

He's one of the sweetest, warmest guys in the world. I'm telling you, they're

going to long wait. Just leave them alone, okay?

I got to go. Good night, everybody.

Where are you going?

I know where I go every Tuesday.

Oh, cake? No, no, no.

That is eat, eat, not cake.

Myrna, show your date how we Americans eat a football.

Al, come here.

You did your sitting at the end.

Fresh in her drink, but don't tell her who said it.

to be striking hot all night here. What is it, me?

Hi, Mr. Dan.

Well, Gino, didn't you have dinner?

He kicked it out the window.

You just sit here and look desirable.

What have you been here for?

Well, you come here every Tuesday night. You say it's a great place for singles.

Couldn't let the whole evening end with the rolled rose failing out the window,

could I?

No, no, it's very down.

Yeah, but suppose nothing happens for you here. You just watch the old crow

that.

Now? Nothing.

Well, struck out.

Most beautiful girl in the world. Can't get a tumble.

Brainy, too.

Phi beta kappa.

Maybe she'll dig you.

You ever have one of those nights? Tonight.

You and me both.

Most beautiful chick in the world. Just waiting for Mr. Right.

I'm Mr. Wrong.

I'm Mr. Right.

Hey, you just could be, buddy.

What if you take my stool?

Take my drink.

The lifeline.

Hiya, doll.

Hi.

Leo.

Myrna.

No, I mean, what's your sign?

My sign's Leo.

Scorpio.

Is that good?

Well, my horoscope said tonight's a good night for Scorpios and Leos to get

together. You here alone?

Yeah, I've been alone all week.

I'll put an end to that.

You live alone?

Uh -huh.

Great. But I was thinking about moving in with my mother.

She hurt her wrist and she has one of those plaster casts on. And you know how

cumbersome they are. So she has to take a coat hanger and dig it in there to

scratch, you know. I used to get hives all the time just like that. They really

are.

Cut it out. She's not going to pull your oar. Get off the boat. But she wasn't

even trying. It's my pleasure.

Merlin, you weren't trying. What's going on?

I tried, but I can't. Why? Halfway through, I lost interest. Why, why, why?

Sheldon. Oh.

Oh, I didn't know it was that important to you.

We were talking marriage.

I had no idea. Oscar told me it was just another romance.

You listen to a man who eats salami and jelly sandwiches?

ladies room and freshen up here's a quote so on my second safari i knew a

better bring a lot more medicine be prepared because after all there were 40

guys

You told me Sheldon was just another romance.

I've got a hot flash for you, Mr. She's in love with Sheldon. They were talking

about getting married. Talk about it later.

I said to my gun bearer, I'm going to run by him. He was never an African in

life. We've got to do something for Myrna. Felix, please, later. I'm busy.

Too busy to talk about a broken heart? Yes.

There were 200 excited out for something. Would you mind sliding down

please? This is a human life, in fact. Did he tell you he knows Kissinger, too?

What would you say if I told you that starting tomorrow...

There's going to be a new Myrna Turner. I'm going to make her over from head to

foot. Now, what do you think of that?

Now,

let us examine

your ethics and liabilities.

This is silly, Mr. No, it's not. No, it's not. When you know what you want in

life, you go after it. You go, you go.

Naturally, you have to make certain adjustments.

Now, what is it you want?

Sheldon. Good.

But he doesn't want me. Ah, you see, now you have...

negative attitude.

You've got to believe in yourself. You've got to say, I am great and mean

I am great. But you don't mean it. Say it.

I am great.

Good.

Now, we're going to make you over completely.

I thought I was great.

That's your attitude. But your external, your behavior, we must modify your

behavior. Now, we're going to start with your walk. Show me how you walk.

Where? Where? Here, walk.

Now, let me show you what you're doing. Come here.

Here's where you walk.

And this walk says, I'll never get Sheldon. I'll never get Sheldon.

You must walk like a lady, and your walk would say, Here I am, Sheldon. Here I

am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon.

See the body high, the bust pridefully erect, the long, graceful stride, the

lengthy neck, the languorous look of mystery in the eye. Here I am, Sheldon.

Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon.

Here I am, Sheldon.

Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon.

Here I am, Sheldon.

Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am, Sheldon. Here I am,

Sheldon.

Here I am,

Sheldon.

Not Sheldon.

Sheldon. No, it's Sheldon. They've got the O on his birth certificate. Legally,

it's Sheldon.

Sit up. Sit up like a lady. I'm not a frog, Sheldon. Now,

your voice. The most important thing in a woman is her voice.

Your voice has a nasal whine.

I talk nasal?

I talk nasal. You hear that? I talk nasal.

That's a good voice for an ambulance.

The lady's voice.

Captivating with its beauties in the mouth so that anything she says is

interesting. Captures the attention.

The simplest phrase.

How do you do?

How do you do?

You make a little bit more of it with a throat.

How. How.

Do. Do.

Do. You.

Do. Do. How do you do?

Fine.

Now your laugh.

Bad laugh. Bad laugh.

Sheldon loves my laugh. He's going to like it better.

When you laugh like a lady. A lady laughs with a bit of a titter. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Now, okay.

You're at a smart cocktail party.

Smart, sophisticated people all around you. You see a terribly attractive man

standing here.

You wish to meet him. He's surrounded by admiring women. You come up to him and

you say something interesting.

Go.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Have you ever been to a leper colony?

Good morning, Mr. Madison.

You're late.

What'd you do, lose the heel off one of your shoes?

Very funny.

What is that?

I'm practicing my tipper.

Practicing your what?

How do you do?

Mr. Madison's office.

Yes, I shall, shan't I?

To the loo.

Who was that?

Twas your bookie.

What did what?

If you do not pay up, your posterior...

Again with the Oscar dwarf.

Look at this, I don't believe what's happening.

Mr. Murder, what do you do?

How did you have your breakfast this morning? Straight or on the rocks?

You do carry on.

What is it?

Why, whatever do you mean?

Well, this was a prank. What is that?

Mr. Unger is...

Don't you know the man is a lunatic?

You want to get Sheldon back, you go to somebody who can do it for you. You want

class, you go to a classy guy.

Who's that?

You're joking.

I'm telling you, Debbie's going to get Sheldon back for you. All you need is a

little sex appeal.

That's what she's here for. Just do everything she tells you. Listen to me,

you? Okay.

Oh, my.

No, no, no.

She's got a thing in her belly button.

So? I can't do that.

Why not?

I got an outie.

Just do what she says to you. Let's start with the arms first.

Lift up your arms.

Boots. Do it like a snake.

Not like a cobra, like a regular snake.

Come on.

All right, let's try the semi. Bend your knees and shake.

Come on, do it. You can do it. Come on.

Can we try with the music? Maybe it'll inspire, okay?

All right, we'll put it all together.

That belly dancing will get Sheldon back. I'm telling you.

Now you can eat at a time like this. That poor girl's life is being ruined.

You did the best I could do. No, you didn't. You just gave up.

Well, anger doesn't give up. What did you find out, Marie?

Well, after exhaustive investigative work, I found that Sheldon, there's no O

that fella. We know that. We know that, Marie. Where did he go?

Imglix Lodge. That's a resort hotel in the Catskills.

Ah. How did you find that out?

He left a note.

I'm going to Imglix Lodge. Good detective work, Larry.

Good. So? So?

What happened at Imglix Lodge? Ah.

I've never seen a place with so much bad luck.

The wind blew down the handball court.

Somebody stole the canoe.

The guy that leads Simon says stuttered. It took so long, everybody missed the

happy hour.

Great. What about Sheldon? What happened to Sheldon?

Oh, he had good luck. Yeah? What, what? Yeah, with girls. One girl, one girl.

Example?

Sybil Spitz.

Female, Caucasian, five feet, 710 pounds, and great legs.

You're kidding me. Murray, about Sheldon. Well, he was hanging around

very sharp chicks.

You know the rock type with silver confetti stuck on their face? Confetti?

Glitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, flashy.

That's what Sheldon liked?

That's what Sheldon will get. Now I know I'm on the right track.

Good work, Murray.

Yeah?

I thought

there

was nobody here.

I couldn't hear you. I was in the bedroom. What do you want?

I'm Sheldon Stimler.

Most people leave in the O.

Come in, Sheldon.

I thought Myrna would be here. She left a message on her service, so I... If

that wasn't my roommate, Peter, she'd be right back. Sit down.

Maybe I should leave a note. You left enough notes already. Sit down.

I don't understand you, Sheldon.

I mean, Myrna's one of the greatest girls in New York. She's great. She's

She's cute. She's funny. I mean, it's very hard to find girls like Myrna. Hard

to find.

You know, you're saying a lot of nice things about her. Why not? I'm in love

with her.

Then why did you run out on her?

I strayed. I strayed. I was wrong.

What an experience. What happened?

Well, I went up to that Inglis Lodge and... Yeah? You didn't like it? Well,

was okay. The food was good, hot, plenty of it. And the show was tops. Jerry

Vale and Corbett Monica. You can't beat them.

They always put on a good show. They got that chemistry. Will you forget about

the chemistry? What happened after the show?

Well, after the show, you go to the bar, you know, to meet girls. And I met a

few girls.

They were nice, but they were all flashy. There was no substance. They

insubstantial. Phony.

Phony, that's it. They were all phony, every single one of them. But not Myrna.

No. No, Myrna happens to be very, very real.

You wouldn't catch Myrna in a place like that, no sir. How many girls did you

meet up there?

About 200.

200 girls?

When I stray, I stray.

But I felt like such a jerk. I mean, this isn't the real me. This isn't the

I dress.

You know, of all those 200 people I met up there, not one single person there

had their own hair, including me.

That's phony. That's phony. That's phony. You see those mutton chops, those

sideburns there? Try that.

That's phony. Phony. That one there.

Phony. No, that's real. That's real. That was real.

I cannot emphasize this enough, Mr. Madison.

Myrna is very, very real.

I hope you'll take me back.

What do you think, Mr. Madison? You're no woman. You think I got a chance with

her? Oh, I think you got a very good shot, but let me prepare her, okay?

Why don't you go wash all the glue off and all that stuff?

In the bathroom. Go in there.

Oh, and show me the earring. You'll take it off. Oh, yeah. Thanks.

200.

Skirt, prepare for a great surprise.

The new Myrna.

What are you doing three hours into the show?

How do you do it?

Don't do the belly dance. He wants the real you.

Then why did he leave me? He didn't have a good time. All he liked was Corbin

Monica and maybe, what was the guy, the comic, whatever he was. And the singer,

Jerry Bale. Look, here's a note that explains everything.

Myrna. I strayed, I strayed, I'm sorry.

Did you stray?

No. Thank you.

Myrna, did I ever tell you I loved you?

No, never.

I will. I'll write you a note.

You know, I miss that laugh.

It's so lonely up there, Merton. I'm telling you, it was terrible.

I was playing handball, the wind came by and blew down the whole course.

You shouldn't have left me, Sheldon. I'm sorry,

what can I say?

It was a beautiful wedding.

Thank you.

I wanted to stop by to give a special goodbye because of all you've done for

Nothing. Goodbye.

Where's Sheldon? Oh, he's in the car. My family's going to drive us to the

airport.

Mr. M, I'm quitting my job.

What? It's Sheldon's idea.

Old -fashioned husband, huh? Doesn't want his wife to work.

No, he wants me to get a better job.

You ready, Myrna? Sheldon's waiting in the car.

Okay. Oh, you've never met my family. No. This is my sister, Verna Turner, and

my brother, Werner Turner.