Original subtitles

What? If I gave you a million guesses, you'd never guess what just happened to

me. You got arrested for being a litter bug.

Wrong.

Guess where my code is. You'll never guess in a million years. It's easy.

the cleanest. Wrong. It's at Bellevue Hospital, wrapped around a baby.

What are you talking about?

Less than one hour ago in Times Square, I helped a woman deliver her baby. Oh, I

don't believe that. I don't believe it either. I ran to call an ambulance when

got back. The woman was giving birth. I helped her right there on the sidewalk.

The first thing the baby saw was an X -rated movie marquee.

I was standing there. This woman said, please help me. I'm having a baby.

paid any attention. People walked just, just went right by. I had to put a dime

in the parking meter to keep somebody from parking on her.

People are absolutely unbelievable.

Nobody would get me boiling water. I had to go into the lunch net and buy tea.

The woman is naming the baby after me.

Unger Wu.

A room?

But can you imagine? Nobody even looked. People paid no attention.

They just went right by. Well, it's a jungle out there. I can't believe it.

There I was. I was bringing a new life into this world. You should have seen

this baby right in my hand.

Oh, Oscar, I feel funny.

It's a jungle out there, I'm telling you.

Nobody's interested.

A guy could drop dead in Times Square. Nobody would notice. Nobody would look

up. People are only interested in themselves.

But I'm proud of you, I'll tell you that.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Get the door, will you, Peter?

Will you get the door?

The guy goes out, doesn't tell me.

Hi, Oscar.

Why don't you all set to go bowling? Yeah, I'm going to get the ball.

Oscar! What?

Well, you finally did it, huh?

Why, Mr. Innocent was me.

Give him some water.

Are you all right?

Here, loosen his tie.

It's hard. It's a double winter knot.

I taste beer.

Am I drunk?

You didn't drink anything. You fainted. Are you all right?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, this old thing must have just got to me.

What whole thing?

He delivered a baby. A woman's baby.

Really? Yeah. Tell him how it happened.

Oscar, I know how it happens.

Tell him how it happened with you while I get my bowling ball.

Oh, Murray.

What's wrong with people?

They walk right by crime, accidents, pregnancy.

The only thing they'll stop for is the suicide.

People love to yell, jump.

Nobody cares.

Well, some people care, Felix.

You know, at the police station, we hold classes for people who want to help the

fellow citizens.

Really? Yeah, they're called division reserves.

I want to join those classes.

You should, too.

You'd be a better citizen.

I'm a good citizen. I vote. I cross at the green, not in between. I post no

bills. Come on, Murray. Sure, go ahead. Don't worry about anything. Let someone

else be concerned.

How would you feel if you were the father of that child I delivered?

I'd feel awful.

I'd have a kidney and dung a wound.

Many concerned citizens are getting involved in our training program, and

they're now working successfully in their neighborhoods at civilian police

reserves. Now, two of our most recent graduates are Mooney and Bibbo.

Nice uniforms.

You have another question, Mr. Unger?

Yes. Are we responsible for our own uniforms?

Yes, sir, you are.

May I ask what material they're made of, if you know?

Trash.

Now, as concerned citizens, you'll be acting as an extra eye for the police.

Now, that's why you have been issued whistles.

Now, if any of you should hear any danger, see any danger, all you have to

use your whistle.

Right? Okay. Now, Officer Greshler will demonstrate.

One long blast.

Means everything's okay.

Hold it. I think we should all write that down.

Mr. Unger, it's already written down.

I meant on paper so that we'll have it with us at all times.

All right. If you're taken prisoner, swallow it.

A little levity, huh?

That's very good.

All right. Now I'd like to show you some first aid.

All right. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen.

going to learn about mouth -to -mouth resuscitation.

All right.

Are there any volunteers?

Please.

He asked for me.

Now, this time, Mr. Unger, your victim is a baby. Well, I'm very good with

babies. I just delivered one a couple of days ago, right on the street.

Goodie, goodie for you.

own. Unfortunately, they're not living with me now. My wife and I are divorced.

My compliments to your ex -wife, Miss Unger. May we proceed, please?

All right. Now, please put one hand under the victim's neck.

That's right. Now seal your mouth against the victims and emit air.

Just a baby that we are trying to revive. All you have to do is just puff.

puff. All right. Now, please, move the head down.

So then lift the chin up.

Uh -huh.

Let's take a short break. You gave me a defective doll.

I'd like to see him deliver a baby. You weren't good. I delivered a baby on the

street the other day. All by myself. Could you tell me where I can find

Gresham? Oscar!

Oscar, you came down. Oh, you got concerned.

I got robbed.

Where's Murray? What? What happened? Where? Well, why? I was trying to hail a

cab to get to the hockey game. And a guy just came and stuck you up? He even

introduced himself. He said, hi, my name is Phil. Hand over your wallet.

The two guys ran from across the street.

Did they come and help you? No, they took my cab.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

All those people in the street. Nobody stopped. Nobody cared. I told you that.

Didn't I tell you that?

Listen, I was robbed. What should I do?

Well, I'd report it to the police immediately.

That's why I'm here. Maybe you show me some mug shots or something.

No, I've got to stick around here. Hey, listen. Go to the second floor and ask

for Cunningham. Never forget Cunningham. The second floor. Okay.

What did the guy get? Everything I had in my pockets. Eight dollars and a half

tuna fish sandwich.

Wow. Is that something, Murray?

It's nothing in my business.

All right, all right. Can I please have your attention?

I will continue.

with first aid a bit later. Now we're going to have a judo class.

I am going to be the instructor.

I do not want any volunteer.

I want you.

robbed you in the mug shots? No, but I identified the two guys who stole my

If you knew then what I know now, he could never have robbed you. Yeah,

that?

What's that?

I just broke your arm. It's broken in two places. I could rip it out by the

socket. Why would you want to do that? Well, you were reaching for a pencil.

could have been reaching for my wallet.

What? No arm. What's that?

Judo. We just learned that at the police academy. I don't think judo works. You

don't? Try standing up.

Again, huh?

Broke your neck.

Your head is now totally inoperative. Oh, come on. No, I'm not joking. This

really works.

Ha! Again with the howl. Look at that.

I splattered your patella. You'll never walk again, Mugger.

Now do you believe me? Come here. I'm going to teach you something that will

save your life. How can I come in? I've got a broken neck, a splatella. I'm on

it. It doesn't work.

I'm going to tell you all... All about the civilian patrol.

We get to go out on patrol.

We wear badges. We wear hats. They gave us this whistle. We blow the whistle if

there's ever a crisis.

Oh! What's with the we? What's that we?

I signed you up as my partner.

You signed me up as your partner? Well, I don't want to go with Miriam. She's a

scaredy cat.

How could you put my name down without asking me? Why not? You complained about

public apathy. I'm getting the whole building involved. You don't want to be

only holdout. Oh, but I don't believe the civilian patrol is going to do any

good. You don't, Osher. No, I don't. I'll show you something. What?

You're a mugger. Now, put your fingers together like that. Like what? Just like

that. Like that?

Try to get them apart.

You can't do it. No, and I can't get the mugger to put his fingers together like

that either.

You're going to try to mug me. You're hiding behind me. Back here.

This is a fire hydrant. What am I going to do? Mug a dog?

I'll be walking along. You're going to throw a right at me. I'm going to grab

your arm. I'm going to flip you over my shoulder, scentless. You're going to

flip me over your shoulder? I just did it to Miriam. It works like a charm.

Don't worry about it.

Here I come along. I'm walking.

Flip him.

Okay,

I'll go on patrol with you.

You feel safe with me, huh? No.

But while you're carrying the muggle on your back, you're going to need somebody

to blow the whistle.

Metropolitan Opera House, four blocks to your right, sir.

Thank you, Luigi.

Thank you for the apple.

Stop thief!

You know you're not supposed to blow that whistle unless there's a crisis.

There's a crisis looking at you. Let me... Oh, Oscar, look at you.

You've got a cigar in your face. Your badge is on the wrong side. It's

to be over here.

You're wearing white.

What have you got to say? Let's go is what I said. If you don't respect your

uniform, it won't respect you.

Let me see your hands.

Good, they're clean. What difference does that make?

Well, if you frisk a man, you don't want a soilless clothing, do you?

Where's your hat?

Not that hat. The regulation hat they issued you. I don't want to wear it.

You've got to wear it. Put it on. No. Where is it? It's in the closet, but I

don't want to wear it. Why not?

Because of...

What's that you got there?

You mean this item? It's my TV set. Who are you?

I'll ask the questions.

We're civilian patrol.

Who are you?

Mort Bennett, 1103.

Oh, yeah?

I live right in that apartment there. I happen to know that's Feilerman's

apartment. He went to Europe. I'm subletting.

Sure, and all aspirins are alike.

You always walk around carrying a TV set?

No, do you?

Mr. Nice Guy. Come on, let's go. We'll go down to the station house. Come on.

There's my partner. Now, where were you? On the fourth floor.

What's going on here?

I caught this bimbo stealing a TV set. What are you talking about? This is my

set. Oh, yeah?

What's the serial number?

How should I know the serial number?

Do you know your serial number on your TV?

96133.

You shouldn't have asked.

Let's go, loser. Down to the station house. Come on. Just stand there. Can I

talk to you for a second? Against the wall. Don't try anything funny. I've got

eyes in the back of my head. You can't arrest a man just because he's carrying

TV set. I can smell a crime a mile away.

I think we can get a full confession out of this baby. I'll be the good cop,

you'll be the bad cop.

All right, Bozo, looks as though you're in luck.

Bozo?

but my partner wants to beat your senses.

I think if you give us a full confession, I can get him to calm down.

animal.

Want a cigarette? I'm sorry, I don't smoke.

Does the police know about you two guys?

All right, Oscar, do what you have to do.

You look like a nice guy, so you can go.

Thanks, no problem.

You know this man?

I'm his wife.

Maybe you better frisk his wife, too.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I saw you walking with a TV set.

I was taking it down to get it repaired.

Since you're going to have it repaired anyway, do you think the warranty is

still good on it?

Let me take care of it. Send me the bill. Please let me do it.

Thank you.

You're acting like the blue nut.

learned a lesson?

Yes, and all of this could have been avoided if the man had known his serial

number.

Oscar, can I come over and sit with you, please?

All right.

It's my first day on the job. I was overenthusiastic. I admit that.

But let's be partners again.

Please. You know me. You know my character. You know what I'm like. I'm

beaver. Isn't it better to be too concerned than just not to care at all?

You always imagine things. Then you get us in trouble.

I wasn't imagining things.

That man's carrying a gun.

Go outside and blow your window.

Hey,

buddy.

See that badge? Civilian Patrol.

See this?

New York City Narcotics.

You can patrol the hall alone.

All right.

Yellow Billy, hope you sleep well and warm in the secure knowledge that Felix

patrolling the halls.

your safety and well -being.

May I say that you all responded magnificently. Go back to your bed,

the knowledge that Felix is on the job.

Thank you. All go back to bed.

Don't skulk around the halls like that. I'm sorry.

If I blew this whistle, the entire 11th floor would be swarming all over you. I

just thought you could use a chair and some magazines. Oh, aren't you sweet.

Thank you. Thank you.

Isn't there used to be a chair here?

It was stolen.

That's not going to happen while I'm on patrol.

Anything goes wrong, I just blow this whistle. I've got the best...

Awfully good. The eighth floor? They don't have our deterrent power. Nothing

women and children down there. They've got some spirit.

Spirit? Do you want to see spirit?

I'll show you spirit.

that you reserve your hostility for the burglars, sir.

Same goes for you, son.

What a floor. Great floor.

Good night, Peter. No fooling around on duty.

Total surveillance.

All right. Turn around very slowly.

Ah!

Mister, when I blow this whistle, every door on this

floor is going to open and all the concerned citizens are going to call the

police. Won't do you any good at all to head for the elevator.

Sometimes this little cork gets stuck, I can fix it.

All right, fighting 11s, come and get him!

Probably calling the police right now.

Would you come any closer?

patrol. What could happen?

Anyway, you always go too far and then I get mad and then I... Anyway, I'm

sorry. Okay?

What are you going to do? You're going to sulk? You're not going to forgive me?

I said I was... I said you're right.

a known and wanted criminal. How did you identify him? I recognized his brand of

stocking.

It is my pleasure to bestow upon you the Concerned Citizens Medallion.

Ready?

Thank you.

I want my patrol partner, Oscar Madison. Oh, come on. No, come on. Pull

uniforms, please.

Pull uniforms. Put on your hat. Oh, no, no. Make him put on his hat. Oh, come

on.