Original subtitles

Oh

Almost 3 a .m.

Is the apartment on fire?

No. Then get out of here. I've got to talk to somebody. I haven't been able to

sleep for three nights. Neither have I.

I've got insomnia.

I'm going out of my mind.

Look how awful I look. My face is all gray.

It's dust on the nose. Don't see my mirror. You'll be seven years bad luck.

How did you get to sleep?

I just worked till I was sleeping.

And you just went to bed, huh? I was already in bed.

Astounding.

Had this in the army.

Finally fell asleep on guard duty.

Please will you get out of here, please?

Turn off the light and get out of here.

Another human being in distress, doesn't he?

I don't know what to do.

Sit up in bed, stare at the wall and... stare at the ceiling, wander around the

house like an idiot.

It's agony.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar! Breakfast!

Here!

Let's eat.

Oh, you in bad shape.

Eat your pancakes.

And what about them silverware?

I gave you silverware. You gave me three knives.

Really, what am I going to do here?

You've got three forks. I'll raise you two spoons. What do I win? Is that a

piece of silverware?

Where's the sir?

Maybe the reason you can't sleep is you need to be with a girl. Why don't you

take Miriam out tonight?

I'm too tired.

This is floor wax.

I'll wax the floor later.

I'd be waxing the floors of Bellevue if you don't get some sleep. Look at this

here. I like my bacon a little crisper than that.

I'll cook it.

Okay. Look at the floor wax and raw bacon. It's not exactly the breakfast of

champions.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Mr.

McFarlane.

Not a minute.

where I was going.

Are you all right, Mr. Unger? You seem a little unoriented.

Leave him alone. He hasn't been asleep for three nights.

Oh, Mr. Unger, you should go to bed.

He's been to bed. He can't sleep.

He's got insomnia.

Oh, I didn't want to insult you and tell you how terrible you look, but now I

can tell you. You look terrible.

Thank you.

Want some coffee?

Sure.

May I have some sugar?

How'd you get rid of it?

Sleeping pills.

I can't take sleeping pills.

My body chemistry is all cockeyed. Sleeping pills make me wide awake.

Deodorants make me perspire.

That's funny.

You ought to will your body to some university.

I've had offers.

One from me.

Let's get to work. It's the only way I'll get some sleep.

And that

concludes another

broadcasting day. Join us when we return to the air at 6 a .m. What am I going

to do till 6 a .m.? Let us pray.

Let me get some sleep. Please let me get some sleep tonight.

Late, late, late show.

Well, it was really a doozer. Bart McClain played a good guy, see. It was a

comedy.

He was Harry James' agent.

And the band is traveling to a small town in Idaho.

And this gal who works in the box office is Vera Vuber -Ralston, and she wants

to sing with the band.

Well, guess how she connives to get a chance to sing with the band.

Who gives a what?

Side of a personality.

muffins. Come on.

Get the same man out of your eyes. Come on. Get the same man out of your eyes.

Come on.

Come on.

It's very difficult getting up this morning.

I feel like I just went to sleep when it was time to get up. I don't even

remember dreaming. Come on. Come on. Up we go.

Come on. Here.

Taste your coffee. Make you feel like a new man. Isn't that good? Sure it is.

Funny. I don't even need a shave.

What's it like outside?

Energy crisis.

I've learned the energy crisis. It's dark out there. It's going to be a nice

day, 56 degrees, wind 6 miles an hour. It's going to be beautiful.

What time is it?

4 a .m. What? What? What?

It's 4 a .m. It's 4 a .m. in the morning?

You woke me up 4 o 'clock in the morning?

You've got exactly 30 seconds to put the Sandman back in my eyes.

I thought you'd like to pal around with me till 6 a .m. when the TV comes back

on. Then you can go to bed.

Think of all the time you save when you get up. You're already eaten.

You're deranged. Come on, relax.

Read the paper. Why do I have to read the paper? I write the paper.

Besides, it won't be here for another three hours. But when it gets here, it's

going to have your obituary.

He's crying. Look at this. He's crying. Look at this.

Knock me on the head. Knock me on the head.

I'm going crazy. Stop already, will you?

Let's try to figure it out, please.

Now, what's bothering you? There must be something bothering you. Think.

Rug needs shampooing. I wouldn't lose any sleep over that. No. What about

It's going fine. Never better. I just finished a big ad campaign for a watch

company. Listen, how many nights haven't you slept?

What? Four nights.

So it's got to be something that happened before that. Four nights. Not a

second. Let's go back to four days, five days. What happened then? Think back.

Nothing. Think.

Think about Monday. Monday. Yeah. Start a rundown of the day. My shirts came

from the laundry. Yeah. They were in a box.

I liked them on hangers. That made me angry. That wouldn't let you lose sleep.

Come on.

That letter.

Postage, too. I had to trek all the way back to the post office. It turned out

to be an ad for freckle cream.

Gave them such a piece of my mind.

That night, I saw Gloria in the supermarket with another man.

Next day, Tuesday, on the subway, a disgusting wino. Back it up a little

bit, please.

What? Back it up.

Monday, my shirt. No, no, no, no.

Between the freckle cream and the wino. Yeah? You said something about Gloria?

Yeah. Yeah? Saw her in the supermarket with another man.

You saw your ex -wife with another man? Yeah.

That doesn't... I've completely... I've completely blocked it out. Of course

you've blocked it out. That's it. Of course it's it.

I'm jealous of the other man.

Sure, you know how jealous you were the last time you saw Gloria with another

man. You went on a hunger strike.

You would only eat foods that started with the letter G.

For three weeks, all we ate was grapefruit, gizzards, and garbanzo

You think that's it, huh? I know that.

Jealousy slays itself with its own arrows. That's what's keeping me awake.

right, now that you know what it is, do something about it. Talk to her. I can't

talk to her. She's got a perfect right to go out with other men. A right she

exercises at every conceivable opportunity.

Besides, she hates me when I'm jealous.

And I hate you when your eyes are open, so do something about it.

Where are you going? Back to bed.

What should I do with the...

investigator to find out about that man with glory.

You're going to pay him over cookies?

Yeah, he's just starting out.

There he is. Where?

He's letting himself in the front door.

Does he ring the bell?

like Columbo?

You look more like Dumbo.

This is my plain clothes outfit. You see, underneath I got my policeman's

outfit. Well concealed.

Sure, that's the way the force would want it. All right.

What did you find out?

First, where are my cookies?

Give me the clues and I'll give you the cookies.

I got the clues right here. Facts.

Just facts.

Suspect is male, white, Caucasian.

Five foot ten, blue. eyes, brown hair. I know what he looks like, Merlin.

Suspect's name?

Bud Herzog, automobile insurance agent.

Talking to Gloria about her bumpers.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill every Herzog in New York.

Felix, she had a minor traffic accident. They were discussing a settlement.

How did you think all this up?

I asked Gloria. She told me.

Right, listen, so what? He cured your problem, right? I'll be able to get some

sleep. Murray, thanks.

I'll call you any time I need a private news.

So be it.

Tell you one thing.

That Gloria thing has proved to be a blind alley.

Nice, nice.

I had a little nap today.

Really? Yeah.

I fainted in my dark room.

I overdeveloped an entire bar mitzvah.

Well, it's all set up, Oscar.

Thank you very much. Those playoff tickets are yours, Barney. Thanks.

And good luck with that thing. Thank you. Thank you.

Who is he? I promised you.

That I was going to get you a good night's sleep, and that's what I'm going

do. Keep my promise, and also I'm going to get some sleep. Who is that guy?

He's in used furniture. Come on.

Used furniture?

Will you come on?

You're going to be so surprised.

There you go.

What? You don't notice anything different?

I don't believe it. Look at this. A waterbed!

Look at that. You got me a used waterbed?

The bed is old. The water is new.

That's it. All right. There you go. There.

Rock. Relax.

That's it. That's it. Like sleeping on Jell -O.

What record?

Oh, wait till you see. This is a special record. Special sound effect, see? When

you're lying on the water, you'll hear the rolling shirt.

Yeah. Sounds of the sea.

See, you nearly ran me over.

Okay, just relax.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, listen to all that water.

Ah.

What are you doing? I gotta go to the bathroom.

Sleep, Felix, sleep.

Let me try my plan.

What kind of plan is that? You're going to yawn and he's going to fall asleep.

Yeah, it's scientifically proven that if you watch people yawn, it makes them

tired and sleepy.

I'm not going to be obvious. I'm going to tell him a sleepy story and slip him

some yawns. I think he's coming.

Hi. Hi, Vince.

Five days.

So what were you cleaning now?

I spent so much time staring at it, I know every speck of dust on it.

It's clean now, so don't walk on it.

I haven't lost my sense of humor.

Listen, Murray wants to tell you a nice story. A story? Yeah, a terrific story.

Go on, Murray, tell him the story. Come on, right here. Here you go.

Here we go. Right here. I love it.

Pay close attention to what I say.

I was just out walking my beat, and I went past this great big pillow factory.

Inside,

all the men were sawing wood.

Then they stopped and drank some nice warm milk.

It was delicious.

Then in came the sheep.

What for?

To jump over the fence.

What?

about 18?

Oh, this is not gonna work, Murray.

Finish your sleep?

And back in your own bed you can't sleep.

What do you got there? Where do you see, buddy? Take a look.

Oh, look, all my old toys.

Yeah, I found them down in the cellar. The rest of the junk that your mother

sent last year. You call a man's past junk? No, I didn't.

this stuff up for?

Well, you always told me when you were a kid you never had any trouble sleeping,

right? Yeah. I figured all this stuff back reminded you of childhood. You

like a baby again. My babe, my mother used to... Hey, you got a little spot

maybe you weren't so neat as a kid, huh? My mother did that. She could never

handle a spoon.

Here's my favorite teddy bear, Mr. Friend.

I slept with him for five years.

Still got his cellophane on. This is the original.

Want to keep them clean? These things collect lint, you know.

Oh, I love them. Oh, my books, my stories.

All right, all right, finish now. It's time to go to bed. Put your toys away.

No, no, please.

No, no, you must go to bed. That's what my father used to do.

What else did your father do?

He'd say, good night, Junior.

Good night, Junior.

Oh, let me stay up five minutes. No, no, Junior, you must go to bed, Junior.

Read me a story.

Read you a story? My father always read me a story before I went to bed.

Little Red Riding Hood, okay? Yeah, yeah, I love that one. I love it.

Once upon a time... This is your favorite part.

Sit up nice.

Once upon a time... Louder. He can't hear through the cellophane.

Once upon a time... There was a... Goldilocks got such a fright

that she jumped right up and ran down the stairs.

Out of the house and into the forest.

And Goldilocks never went back to that little house again.

And Mr. Friend is asleep.

And Mr. Enemy is wide awake.

You almost got me during Rumpelstiltskin.

There's nothing left to try, please. I'm going to check into a hotel and sleep

for 88 years. No, no, no, no, no. Come on. It's still early. It's only 11 .30.

Come on. Are you out of your mind? It's after two.

No. Yes.

I thought it felt kind of late.

My watch had stopped.

My brand new electronic watch. How do you like that after six days?

Six days you've had that watch? Yeah. What'd you get?

Now that watch ad I did, I told you, they gave me a watch.

What'd you do with your old watch?

Gave it to my assistant.

That's an electronic watch? Yeah. Does it make a noise?

It goes hmm when it works. And your old watch?

My old watch goes tick, tick, tick, tick. What kind of question is that?

see. Get into your position when you go to sleep. Go ahead. Do what I tell you.

Go ahead. Will you?

Listen to Dr. Seuss.

Here it is.

What? Do you see the way your head's resting when you rest it? Yeah. You

the ticking of the other clock.

Really? I know it.

Tomorrow... When you get your watch back from your assistant, you'll sleep like

a baby. But what about tonight? I can't go through another night without

sleeping. I'll lose my mind.

All right, get into position.

Go ahead.

Peter?

You asleep?

Five o 'clock in the morning, I can't fall asleep.

Want to cook me some breakfast?