Original subtitles

Buddy, buddy, what a great day. You want a sandwich?

Take those spiked shoes off my counter.

These are made of rubber. They don't scratch.

What he's having for breakfast, a bologna sandwich.

It's all right. He's got cornflakes in it. I wonder you've got ulcers.

Please, don't nag, huh? It's Sunday, so please don't nag. Even naggers have to

wrestle in China.

You're up early to get a head start into the messiness?

Nope. And tell it we're in case.

I had to get up anyway. The sportswriters are playing touch football

playboy punny this morning.

It's a half -time we've left over from last night.

You know, I'm saving it for later.

No wonder I nagged you.

Oh, get off my back, will you, and get out of my life. That's the answer to

everything. Felix, move out. Get rid of Felix.

Where's your telegram? It's not for me. It's for you. I got a telegram?

You didn't tell me. What? Did you mischat with your nagging? Listen, I got

great day planned. I don't want you to ruin it. It's going to be a deal. Will

you stop shaking when I'm talking to you? Who knows what it means?

Hey,

great news.

My brother Floyd is coming to spend a couple of days with us.

Hey, you think I'm fun? Wait till you meet Floyd.

He's exactly like me.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar!

How'd the game with the bunnies go?

Look at that.

Smile! Hey, what happened?

We lost 87 to nothing.

Well, we set an all -time record for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Did your brother show up? No, not yet. Any minute now.

You don't mind before I spend a couple of days, do you? No, no. I did at first.

We know when you mention it, but after what you put up with my cousin Freddy.

Freddy was all right.

You're like a man who carves his roast with a switchblade.

And those calls in the middle of the night. So he got a few calls.

From the street?

Hey, Freddy!

Come on out!

Forget about Freddy.

Tell me about your brother, Floyd. Oh, he's a big man up there in Buffalo.

Yeah, what does he do? He's got his own company. He's president.

President of what? What does he do?

He makes... Makes what?

Bubble gum.

He makes bubble gum? Yeah, hunger gum.

It's kind of hard to imagine a grown -up man making bubble gum.

I always pictured that pink elves made it.

There's Floyd.

There he is.

There he is.

Little F. Oh, big F.

Oh, good God.

God, how are Mildred and the kids? Oh, they're just super terrific. And how are

you? Tip top, tip top. Oh, good.

You haven't changed, Felix.

You're the greatest, most generous guy in the world.

Inviting a poor, deprived person into your home just to feed him.

Oscar, my roommate.

Oh,

hi, Oscar.

Let's look at the old family album.

Well, it's getting late. Time to go to bed. No, no, no. What are you talking

about? Now, wait a minute. Now, listen. Listen, Felix. I don't think Oscar wants

to look at a lot of old photographs. No.

He wants to look at some new photographs. Oh, snap.

Mildred and the kids.

Hey, what is that in front of their faces?

Well, they're all blowing bubbles.

They like it a lot.

Great looking hungers, Floyd.

Nice family.

Well, as the great Al Jolson used to say, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Here's my big girl, Alice.

Here's my big boy, Bobby.

There's big Alice and big Bobby.

Here's my little girl, Sharon.

There's big Alice and big Bobby and little Sharon.

There's my little boy, David.

There's Sharon and David.

You don't have every combination.

Well, of course I do. They're in my other wallet.

It is getting late. I have to go to bed. Good night. Good night.

You've got a great life, Floyd.

Oh, Felix.

You're always telling me what a great life I have.

Now, you know, my offer's still fast.

Why don't you come up to good old Buffalo and go into business with me?

to good old Buffalo?

I thought you were tired you were going to bed. Got my second wind.

I mean, New York really isn't the place for you, Felix. You're a country boy

like me.

Floyd, you know, he always tells me how he envies your easy life up there.

Whenever New York City gets him depressed, he starts with, I'm going to

I'm going to go back to Buffalo. Right, right, right. And you could have a much

better job. You could be my general manager.

Look, Felix, I need the Unger kind of mentality up there, someone I can trust.

But I don't know anything about bubble gum.

Well, I could teach you the business in a week. You know, it's not as

complicated as people seem to think.

But, Floyd, I've put down roots here.

Felix, you cannot plant roots in cement.

in this rat race, are you?

Well, I love photography. Oh, come on, Felix. That's not what you've been

telling me for the last three months. Felix, please.

Well, life has a way of disillusioning you, I suppose.

I thought when I became a photographer, I'd be an artist.

You know what kind of work I do?

Last week, I did a layout for a bug spray ad.

They brought 300 cockroaches into my studio.

you wind up with little bugs.

I mean, you can't even keep your windows clean in this city. Oh, who knows that

better than I do?

I mean, sooty windows for an unger. It's shocking. That is shocking to me.

But I just can't leave New York City. It's the center of everything. The

museums, the theater, the opera. My style is the Big Apple.

All right, all right, all right, Felix, but just promise me. that you'll think

about it before I go back to Buffalo. I'll think about it. All right, I will.

Okay, so now let's look at the other picture. Oh, where does the tank go?

on, old...

for baby food.

One kid spit up strained beef all over my family.

Another one was teething on my arm.

Now I'm going to use midgets. Oh, come on.

It's lost.

It's what happened.

I fell asleep on the subway. Somebody stole...

Pennies and everything.

And your kiddo, the big apple, is beginning to sour.

Where's Floyd?

Where else? He's in his room cleaning.

Oh, lucky stiff.

He's on his way to paradise.

To Buffalo.

I'm stuck here.

Oh, why are the innocent always the victims?

You know, Phoenix, you're turning into a professional complainer. I've got a

right to complain.

Yeah, but I'm sick of hearing Buffalo this and Buffalo that and Buffalo this.

could do very well in Buffalo. Believe me, I've been dreaming about it. Well,

stop whining. Stop dreaming and go.

I just might do it, mister. Well, go ahead.

I'd be the general manager of an up -and -coming bubblegum company.

Get myself a nice little house.

Keep the windows clean.

Raise ferns.

Maybe Gloria and the kids would come up and stay with me a little while. It

might be the salvaging of my marriage.

Floyd!

Remember on my eighth birthday when I asked for those electric trains?

I said I'd never ask for anything else.

You never gave me those trains.

Let me have this.

Here, Felix, I'll take your bag.

Take good care of Felix. I will.

I'll be right down.

This is how it all ends.

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

I don't feel right about this, Oscar.

Leaving with all this extra expense. You never have any money.

How are you going to pay the rent?

Maybe I'll get another roommate.

Well, maybe things will... Don't work out up there in Buffalo.

Water my plants, won't you? Every day.

This is my baby. I'm taking this with me. Mr. Kennedy, we'll let you on the

Come here.

Take care of it. What can I say, Oscar?

Four years ago, a man came to this door who had nowhere to turn.

You took him in.

Remember that day?

Like I remember Pearl Harbor.

thing temporarily.

Yeah, you do.

All good things come to an end.

Oscar, what am I doing?

Shuffling off the buffalo.

You got it?

Here's the insurance report on the explosion.

What explosion?

Oh, that was before you were here. Last month, one of the vats in the factory

blew up. Really?

Anybody hurt?

No, but there was gum everywhere.

Four of the workers had to have their head shaved.

Those people should wear shower caps.

Make a note of that.

for me here.

I'm chewing my way to the top.

Ha, ha, ha.

Put three ducks between the ha.

Enough about me.

I'm looking forward to your visit next week when you cover the game.

I hope you're surviving and remembering the little things like wiping your feet

before you come into the apartment.

Come on in, man.

Don't forget to wipe your feet.

Catch a plane to Buffalo, remember?

Yeah, I got a car downstairs waiting.

Hey, snappy shoes.

Where'd you get them, Oscar?

Macy's and Gimble.

Pack the black pants.

Hey, maybe you can talk Felix into coming back.

Who wants him back?

Took me four years to get rid of him, so who wants him back?

Okay, whatever you say, Oscar. Oh, come on, let's go. Hey,

where's your suitcase?

How are you?

How do you like my office?

I'm impressed. Yeah? Yeah? Got my own secretary? Got my own window?

With a view of buffaloes second to none?

Wow, you can see half a buffalo from... Who would believe that eight bowling

alleys in the same block could do much business?

They're turning them away.

I'm on the company team. Feel that?

Like a rock! Did you find a house? No, I'm saying, Mr. Floyd, you know, the

nephews worship their Uncle Felix.

What do you do, actually? Busy from morning till night. Research and

development. I invent new flavors. I taste gum. This is my pet project.

This is going to revolutionize the gum industry.

Bubble gum cards for kids who don't like forks.

Great moments in opera.

Number 16, Mimi gets tuberculosis.

And the other side's a little libretto.

That's terrific.

I think... Big F, they want you over in... Floyd!

Oscar!

Nice to see you. Well, what brings you to Buffalo?

I'm covering a basketball game tomorrow night. Oh, well, I hope Felix is

bringing you to dinner. My wife is dying to meet you. I don't want to impose.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly. You know, Felix and I always make plenty.

You'll come to the house. You'll meet the zebras.

I'll meet the what?

The zebras. Floyd's Lodge. Wonderful bunch of guys.

Yes, I'm president of the local herd.

Felix is a zebra.

You're a zebra?

Does Unger gum blow bubbles?

Uh, Big F, they want to see you over in production.

Right. Be right back. Okay, see you later, buddy.

Well, what do you think, Oscar? I must admit, I am surprised.

I didn't expect him to adapt so easily. He seems so happy.

He's happy.

Then you're happy.

No.

You're not happy.

No, he's driving us all crazy.

Oscar, I don't understand what he's doing in research. Here, here. Try this.

Just try. Try that. Oh, and have you seen his bubble gum cards for opera

Yeah, sure. Do you know how many seven -year -old opera fans there are in this

world?

These kids will be trading in 50 Beverly Sills for one Ron Swoboda.

And you know what his other newest innovation is?

What? A little wash and dry in every package.

Tastes like broccoli. Yes.

Yes, you see what I mean?

I don't know what to do.

Oh, Oscar.

Oscar.

Oscar.

Well, I can't ask him to go back to New York.

How would you feel about his coming back?

Oh, well, listen, Floyd, I don't really need him, but I don't want the world

chewing broccoli gum.

Well, can't you at least talk to him? I mean, you are his best friend. Yeah, but

you're his brother.

But I can't. I begged him to come up here.

Great idea.

What do you think?

No more sticky hair.

Well, that certainly is an idea.

I knew you'd love it. Thanks, boys. Come on, back to the line.

Now, Arthur, do you see what I mean?

He's having those men wear shower caps in order to keep the gum out of their

hair. And those men are teamsters.

I have to go, but please, please talk to him. I can't even get ex -convicts to

work for me anymore.

Great moments in opera number 19.

Madame Butterfly commits suicide.

I'll talk to him.

Okay, Felix.

The Zebras present!

get raised?

Oh, Felix is taking over the whole picnic.

Well, Oscar, what do you think of your old buddy becoming a member of our

huh? He's a born zebra.

Oh, yeah.

Now when he comes down to the lodge, he has access to the old waterhole and full

grazing rights in the cafeteria.

Well, it's getting pretty late, fellas.

Fingers! Fingers!

Mildred and I are going to turn in now. Oh, but Oscar, you stay up.

You stay up as late as you want. And, you know, in case you have anything to

to Felix.

Nice meeting you, Oscar. Thanks for everything.

Felix, the children want to say goodnight to you.

Told you. They worship their Uncle Felix.

Goodnight, Sharon.

Goodnight, Sharon and Bobby.

Goodnight.

Something I want to talk to you about.

I want to tell you that it's hard to believe that after a month

you'll receive... What do you want to do now?

What do you usually do?

Well, after they go to bed, I sit here and watch TV, read a book.

Yeah, but you've got full grazing rights now.

Yeah. We can get out of the lodge. You want to?

They've got a jukebox. They've got a pinball machine.

Felix, I'd rather talk to you. We can do that. There's something I want to tell

you. I hate it.

What? I can't stand it anymore.

I'm going crazy. All I do all day long is talk about bubblegum.

That's no life for a grown man. It should be made by little pink elves.

That's what you love. I've tried, but I can't stand making decisions about

bubblegum for the rest of my life. Boy, does it. Floyd, it's not jerk sweet.

It's a brother.

Look at that jacket he wears.

Felix.

You seem so happy.

Laugh, clown, laugh. I didn't want to hurt Floyd's feelings. You know me. I

don't let everybody know my troubles. Silent fan.

You're a silent fan?

Photography was glamorous.

Even the cockroaches.

Something different every day. Even if things went wrong, it was exciting.

Felix, you've got to accept that you're a city boy at heart. You bet your

buffalo. Bet your buffalo.

You see, I'm going crazy. I'm going to handle it. I'm going to tell it. What?

What? Don't break his heart.

Don't break his heart. Believe me, Floyd.

It's all right.

I'm telling you, it's all right. Floyd,

I want to leave the herd.

I'm not happy here, Floyd. I want to go back to New York.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Felix, don't be sorry. It just wasn't right for you.

I mean, I'm glad you tried it, but I wouldn't hold you here.

I love this life, but it's not right for everybody.

You see, not everyone can cut it as a Buffalonian.

You guys want to talk it over? No, no, no, no, Oscar. Please stay. You're

family.

Look, I can get a general manager anywhere, Felix, but you're my brother.

And I want you to be happy.

So I want you to go back to New York and just knock him dead.

Okay? Good night, Oscar.

Good night.

He's not a jerk.

He's a nice guy.

No wonder my mother liked him better than me.

Buddy, you want to go down to the old waterhole? It's your last chance to use

your grazing rights.

It's the night lodge house. It really is. You want to go? Yeah, yeah.

We share a pool table with the USO.

Yeah. Even.

Go back to New York, I'll have to find a place to live, won't I?

Yeah, well, I mean, if you want to, temporarily now, while you're looking

place, you want to stay in your old room, it's okay.

Didn't you find another roommate?

Well, as a matter of fact, I did. He was there for about three days. But what a

slob! Well, you've seen the mess he made!

I mean, did this.

This has got the mark of Madison all over it.

Here's your signature.

You gotta admit, I did it. I did it.

You must have missed me plenty.

Well, just in a little way. You know, the way you used to trim my lamp chops

the way you used to mock the TV guy for the shows I should watch.

The way you paid the electric bill.