Original subtitles

I remember.

There she is.

Let me see this one.

Uh -huh. How about that?

What do you say?

You're just one of those lucky guys. You can wear anything.

What does that say?

Aloha, Oscar, Madison, New York, Harold. Who are you?

The last time I wore was to the sportswriters' convention in Hawaii.

Two years ago.

I only wear on special occasions.

You're taking Phyllis to the movie tonight.

What's so special about the movie? Nothing.

It's Phyllis that's special, remember?

Well, all your girlfriends are special.

Nina, the crane operator, was very special.

You told me you're special.

Well, Phyllis is special, special.

Is he getting serious?

Well, you know. Hey, you are going out tonight, I hope. Yeah, Miriam and I are

going to our opera club. Good. Wait, wait, wait a minute. What are you

in here?

Oh, a little hat, isn't it?

What else have you got in here?

Oh, a blower.

A noise maker. Boy, that must have been something.

Wow.

Cut it out. Here.

Tell me, which tie goes better with this outfit?

You can wear one of mine.

Tell us not to eat. I won't. I won't. Thanks.

This is most unusual for you, isn't it? What do you mean?

You usually dress in the dark. You don't care what tie you wear.

I am a little edgy. I've got to admit it.

Because of Phyllis? Yes.

Getting serious, huh?

You big galoo. Yeah.

Wedding bell? Oh, I don't know about it. Listen, if you decide to propose

tonight, make sure you speak up very clear. Why?

Because you want to be heard over this shirt.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

That was a great movie. It was wonderful.

Where's Felix?

He and Miriam are at the opera club.

He looked like they were playing Wagner next week. Yeah, they'll stay up all

night pasting horns on helmets.

Want a beer?

No thanks, I'm stuffed.

You know, that was a cute restaurant.

Well, they know me there. That's why they give me extra pickles. You got some

extra pickles on your tie.

Yeah, also some extra beer.

I don't have to worry.

It's Felix's tie.

Well, I had a good time today.

Me too.

We always have a good time together, don't we?

Sure, you're lots of fun to be with.

You know, fellas, it's been a long time since I've been serious about anyone.

I mean, let's see.

I've been divorced eight years.

Altogether, that makes 11 years I haven't been serious about coming.

You know what I'm trying to say?

I think I do.

Well, how do you feel?

Oscar, I like you. I think you're a great guy.

Next word is but.

But? I don't feel serious.

Some other guy, huh? No, not at all.

Hey, is it something about me?

Oscar, I'd rather not talk. No, go ahead. Tell me. I can take it. What is

You're nice.

Yeah. You're funny. Good. You're intelligent.

That's three. That ain't bad. Go ahead. You're attractive. More, more, more.

You're sloppy.

Yeah.

I know I'm sloppy.

Does that bother you?

I mean, you never mentioned it before.

Well, you never said anything about getting serious before.

Well, what's the difference?

It's just that certain things become more important if it's more than just

dating. Like what thing?

Oh, like tonight at the restaurant.

The way you put mustard on your pastrami sandwich.

Oh. Dipping your sandwich into the jar of pastrami.

It always be that.

But you laughed. You thought it was so funny.

Yes, it was funny, Oscar. But it's just that... I don't know. If I was serious,

I might not think that was funny anymore.

Yeah, I see. It's all right. I'm sorry, Oscar. Oh, don't be sorry. I was in a

crazy mood. Who wants to get serious anyway?

You want to take me home now? No, I'm not upset. I can take things like that.

Sure? Honestly, sure. I think I'd better take you home.

I think we had enough to laugh for one night.

Hi, gang.

Hi, Felix.

Got screams from the doorman.

It's like there was a definite feeling of tension in the air. Was it my fault?

Tell me. No, no, no.

The horns, they upset you? No, I had nothing to do with it.

Something about Phyllis, huh?

Yeah. Uh -huh.

You want to talk about it?

Yeah.

Okay. We won't.

You do? Yeah, yeah. You want to talk about it? Yeah.

That's not like you. You never want to talk about it. Yeah, but I want to talk

about this.

Okay.

Let's talk about it.

Phyllis thinks I'm a slob.

She saw your room.

Oh, just dinner.

And your sloppiness is hurting your relationship.

Yeah, you know she's coming into the Saturday night. I'm afraid I'll be

I'll make mistakes and everything.

That's why I want to discuss it with you.

Let this be a lesson to you.

That's it?

That's how you discuss it? Let that be a lesson to you?

What happened to sympathy?

I feel sorry for you, Oscar. I feel bad for you, Oscar. She's wrong, Oscar.

Right, then. All right, from now on, when we go back there, I don't want to

about it. Good. What's there to talk about? You're never going to change. Not

you live to be a million years, you'll never change. That's where you're wrong.

I am going to change.

Phyllis is a great girl, and I don't want to lose her. You watch me change.

I'm telling you. Come on in. From this moment on, I'm not going to be a slob

anymore.

Oscar, are you serious about wanting to change?

I am going to change. Then take your sleeve out of the eggs.

You'll see.

You love being neat. It's fun.

We'll vacuum together.

We'll dust together.

I'll teach you to use glass wax.

It'll be great. It'll be just like when I was a kid with my brother. They used

to call us Spick and Span.

I'm going to try and I don't expect miracles. It's easy. You'll see. You'll

it. They were delicious. Do you have any more?

Come on. Work. I'll buy you some chocolate cigarettes. Let's go. It's

be a great day for both of us.

You're not going to smoke today, and I'm not going to be a slob anymore.

You'll see. You can do it if you drop it.

Hi,

gang. Hi, Pete.

What?

What? What? Look at this.

This is the new Oscar Madison?

It was me, but I had to look for something.

For what?

Survivors?

So the Red Cross is going to come in and serve donuts.

I thought you wanted to change.

I do, but I had to get some work done. I couldn't think about being neat. You

have to think about being neat? Yeah.

It should come naturally to you.

Myrna, how did you quit smoking?

I went to the Smokers Institute, but I haven't really quit yet. I'm still

as a cheater.

What did they do?

Oh, electric shocks.

They wired us up and gave us cigarettes. And every time we went to take a puff,

they shocked us.

So the smoking became an unpleasant experience for you, right?

That's what we'll do with you.

We'll get you all wired up like clockwork orange.

Then every time you do something messy, I'll give you a... That way, you'll get

cured and I'll have a lot of fun.

Smokers? They're professional people. They know what they're doing. You just

your finger up. What? You need professional help.

Yeah, well, a need freak with a cattle pride going zing, zing.

You can change your life. Believe me. You don't want to lose Phyllis, do you?

No. Leave it to me.

I'll set up an appointment.

You'll see.

I'm Oscar Madison. I have an appointment.

Right. Just five minutes. And you?

I'm his friend.

I'm normal.

I'm the lunatic.

He wants to be more like me.

How nice.

Felix, I'm here. I'm not going to back out. You can go to work now. No.

When you talk to the doctor, level with him about everything. Don't hold

anything back.

Try to remember as much as you can about puberty.

That's when the trouble usually starts.

Mr. Mattis. Yes. I'll be with you in just one moment.

Uh, Alice, would you mind getting me another cup of coffee? The last one was

sweet. Too sweet?

Well, but I gave you three sugars just like you asked.

Well, it was too sweet.

Always too sweet.

Well, if you think so, why don't you get it yourself from now on?

Because that's your job.

I already have a job.

could type better than that.

I'll show you what I think of your typing.

Really?

Well, I'll show you what I think of your diploma.

You walk

Oscar, when you fall off a horse, what do you do? The first thing you do is you

climb right back up. I'd rather go to a horse.

Let's face it.

I'm always going to be my same self -slob. I can't help it.

Oscar, tell me.

me wear a sweater to my wedding.

Did you have a lot of friends when you were a kid? Yeah, I was a pretty popular

kid. What about you?

No.

All the other kids were jealous of me.

Can't blame them. I was the cutest.

Smartest. Other kids hated me.

Just once, I was a week late with my milk money, and the student court

me to death.

Bridge. What are you going to do with that path?

I was trying to help you, but I can see your problem is too deep -rooted.

You're right, it is. It goes back a long way.

I mean, please, I've been this way as long as I can remember.

It's going to drive my father crazy.

Isn't it?

Well, evidently it didn't help.

You see, your mother and I put up with all this because we thought you would

grow out of it.

Grow out of what?

Oscar, you're a messy lad.

That's just my style.

Well, evidently this calls for drastic measures.

If this room isn't spotlessly clean by tomorrow, I'm not going to place any

bets for you.

I mean, if I can't be neat for my father, how am I going to be neat for

Don't you see, now that you know what your problem is, you can deal with it.

see, early in life, you establish this pattern of rebelling against your father

by messing up your room with garbage.

And that's what you're doing to this day, only with different garbage. See,

that's where you're wrong.

Most of this is the same garbage.

Leaps in there?

Yes.

I'll do it. I'll do it.

No charge. I'll consider it a public service.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Has he ever been hypnotized before?

I don't know. Is that a problem?

Not really.

Oscar? Hey.

I want you to meet a client of mine, Ernie Ferguson.

This is Oscar Madison.

Great sports fan.

Yeah? Yeah.

I read your column every day. Yeah? Yeah.

That must be a... Tough job.

No, you like it. Day after day after day.

And it shows.

It does? You look tired.

I do?

Your eyes look very heavy. Like there's a great weight on them.

Like you can't keep them open.

And your arms and shoulders are very heavy.

And your legs.

Nothing in the world you want to do more than sleep.

Sleep, Oscar.

Sleep.

Is he asleep, Ernie?

Like a baby.

Boy, you could make a fortune with this.

Oscar, can you hear me?

You're relaxed. You're very comfortable.

You'll do whatever I say.

Now, I'll give him a suggestion so that you'll be able to trigger it at just the

right moment. The right moment at Saturday night?

Fine.

Oscar, when you hear Felix say, the fault lies not in our stars, but in

ourselves... Shakespeare.

Right. You'll no longer be the old Oscar Madison.

You'll develop refined habits. You'll have a passion for cleanliness.

Messiness will repel you.

That's great.

How do I bring them out of here? Easy. Just snap your fingers.

Wonderful, wonderful. All right, I'm going to wake you.

Oscar, at the count of five, you'll awaken.

You'll remember nothing.

You'll feel very relaxed.

You'll feel very comfortable. Very good.

One, two, three, four,

five.

Yeah, I read your column every day. That's terrific.

I like your style.

Thank you.

It's not too simple. It's not too florid. I really appreciate that. Thank

Oscar? Yeah? How do you feel? Great. Why?

Oscar, the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Oscar, flick your ashes on the rug.

Are you kidding?

Go ahead. Do it for me, a favor.

He can't do it. It works.

Call me when dinner's ready, will you?

This is very exciting, Felix. Do you remember what you're supposed to say to

him? Yes. Tonight you're going to see a new Oscar Madison. I can't wait to see

if it works.

Oscar?

Felix will be here soon.

No, I know him. You don't have to run away. Oh, what's the matter?

Oscar? I'm going to be uncomfortable. She's going to judge everything I do.

no, don't worry, Oscar.

Tonight you're going to be perfect.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, there she is.

Just one thing.

Straighten your tongue.

Remember, the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

I'll take your coat.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What a lovely dress. Little spot.

You look beautiful, Phyllis. Just beautiful. Try these hors d 'oeuvres. I

it's not with your fingers. Please look what a slob this man is.

Natkins, please, Natkins. Oh, you forgot the Natkins.

Natkins. Oh, boy, midget hot dog.

The fault lies not in our stars. but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Thank you.

When you told me I forgot the napkins, I went... Oscar,

the quote lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Why does he keep quoting Shakespeare?

Well, he's the greatest, isn't he? The immortal bard of Avon?

Yes. Well, shall we put on the old feedback? Come on, chow time, folks.

your language.

You'll sit there, Miriam here.

Oh, Scott, my man. He certainly did.

There we are.

I think you'll like this wine.

Just perfect. Don't pour from the right, please. Sorry, we all make mistakes.

I'm not a cross meat, and you're spilling some.

Well, to earth, human, to forgive, to buy.

Billet, I'm dying to know what you think of my salad dressing.

Darling, you have a salad book for that.

Salad, salad book.

Yes, thank you, Master. Thank you, thank you.

Felix, it's delicious.

I'm sure that Felix could have waited for his compliment until after you

swallowed it.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Felix, please, help us set an example, will you? Oscar, are you coming to our

offer next week?

Miriam.

Dressing, dressing.

Oh. Don't you hate that?

Felix. I can't believe this. Oscar, will you please stop it? I didn't do

anything. She's the one who had the dressing.

All right.

Sorry I criticized you, but I didn't realize you'd take it this far. No, I

criticized you, and you'll never learn good manners if you don't listen to me.

Oscar, maybe I didn't want to get serious, but at least I used to enjoy

with you. I mean, this is ridiculous. It's like having dinner with my mother.

Oh, Phyllis.

Phyllis. Oh, let her go. She's so uncool.

Come true.

Did you hear what Phyllis said?

I wonder how he'll take it when he knows.

I have a pretty good idea.

I'm going to eat upstairs.

Go on.

Oscar? Mm -hmm?

Hey,

didn't I see Phyllis sitting over there? Mm -hmm.

Oh, where'd they go?

I've got a story to tell you. What?

You're going to die laughing.

Before they come back, why? Remember my friend Ernie was here yesterday?

Yeah, nice guy. Yeah.

He's really a hypnotist. No kidding.

And he put you under.

Right there?

I don't believe it.

During this entire meal, he gave you a post -it, not a suggestion.

During this entire meal, you've been behaving like a pathological meat freak.

offended Phyllis. She left in tears.

If you don't go after her, you're never going to see her again.

I better go after her.

While I'm gone, you better clean your shirt.

Hey, how did your lunch go? Great.

The fellas and I laughed oaths. Oh, that's wonderful. Where are you going?

To my opera club.

You're going to go outside like that?

I told you, the doorman loves it.

Oh, come on. Well, how many really funny people are there in this building?

Oh, come on. I thought we made some progress. At least hang up your coat.

Show that to your doorman.