Original subtitles

Oscar? I want to talk to you.

Which lump are you?

Oh.

Have you been sleepwalking?

Why would I go in the middle of the night?

What's the matter?

I don't know. There's strange noises.

I heard moaning and groaning.

Then I heard...

Loud footsteps, and then something like a ticking sound.

What could it be?

Fat mice with pocket wipes?

Come on, Ozzie, what do you think it is? I don't know, maybe it's a ghost.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Strange things going on at night.

Put out the light and you won't see them.

There ought to be some logical explanation.

Oscar!

Did you feel a slight earthquake?

No. Did you loosen the picture over the fireplace?

No.

Then we've got a ghost!

Tell him to keep it down. I'm trying to...

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

The paint doesn't quite match, does it?

Well, you're going to put the picture back up, aren't you?

Well, yes, but... Then who will know?

Well, I'll know.

But don't tell anybody.

There's a very, very peculiar thing about that picture.

Falling off the wall in the middle of the night last night. Well, things

You know, this is an old building, you know.

Old plaster, old ceiling, old walls, old floors.

Old! You've been here a long time, haven't you? I'm also old.

In the time you've been the superintendent here, have the tenants

complained about noises in the night?

What kind?

It's very difficult to explain, sir. Like...

Not since they closed a Mexican restaurant down there.

Who was the former tenant in this apartment?

Irving Cove.

A strange guy.

A retired postman.

Never went anywhere, never saw anybody.

Come down in the morning, get his mail, and throw it in the garbage.

Would you know why he moved?

Yes. Death.

You wouldn't happen to know the reasons for his death, would you? No.

There are two things I learned on this job.

Never ask any questions and be here Christmas Day.

Well, I gotta be going, Mr. Unger.

See you at Christmas.

Hey, you're still jumpy.

Pain doesn't matter.

I've got a problem.

What kind of problem?

Things that go bump in the night.

Pictures falling off walls.

Enid, I think your new nasal spray is making you hallucinate.

Ever since I played Hamlet in junior high, I've been fascinated by ghosts.

Also, I haven't been able to make a simple decision, but that's... Oscar,

does the name Irving Cohen ring a bell?

In Hamlet?

Like everybody in New York got their apartment.

How? Precisely.

Precisely, by looking in the obituary columns, see who died in a good

neighborhood, then rushing around... And yet you've never heard of Irving Cohen?

Oh, Dan Irving, the guy who died so I can get the apartment. Aha!

What aha? What? Don't you see?

What? He's come back.

Why? For his deposit?

Irving the Postman is our ghost.

Come back for something.

Oscar, when you moved in here, was there anything, anything at all in the

apartment? No.

Nothing.

Was there a box, a crate, old clothes? Yes, there was nothing in there except

the air conditioner.

The air conditioner!

I've always sensed something strange about this air conditioner.

If Irving's come back...

This is where he is. Then let's put it on exhaust and blow him out.

I'm not taking this seriously.

We've got a legitimate problem.

We've got to tackle it logically, rationally, scientifically.

How are you going to do that?

I'm going to hold a seance.

You're going to bring in a gypsy lady? A lot of people sit around a table, make

her go up and down?

I'm not going to bring in some phony. I'll do it myself.

Well, calm me out.

You're not going to be here for my seance? Of course not. But suppose I

Irving and...

This is spooky.

Yeah, look at all this stuff.

That's a real skull.

I'm scared.

I wonder how he died.

Probably from that candle stuff in his head.

Oh, spirit of the great unknown, move into our

magic circle.

And sign in, please.

This won't work unless we're all very serious.

Repeat after me.

Now,

everybody,

hold hands. Close your eyes. It's very important that you keep your eyes

Oh,

spirits of other worlds.

Grace us with your presence.

Oh, Oscar.

You're just in time, Miss Dan.

Yeah, Oscar, we're having a seance. Oh, he's not interested in a seance.

May we please continue in peace? In a minute. You got your spirits, let me get

my spirits.

Don't you want to get in touch with another world?

Yeah, knees are going to help me, baby.

Everybody hold hands and moan and sway. This time try to moan, not in harmony.

Contact with the Spirit.

It's a chain.

It sounded like a scream.

Somebody do something.

Oh, it's just Oscar fooling around.

I got the ghost. I figured it right out. What?

Here.

Oh. From the great beyond.

It's a pigeon.

It was behind the radiator. It must have got stuck in the fence.

That's how long you've been hearing ghosts, right, Felix? Three days?

Right.

What are we going to do about the ghost?

If nobody wants the pigeon, I'll take him. There's a lot of statues in my

neighborhood.

Good night, Felix.

You coming up later?

I don't know.

Well, let me know when you decide.

One tap for yes, two taps for no.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Hey, good night, guys. I had a real...

Did everybody make mistakes?

You just make more than most people.

Ghosts in the air conditioning.

Want some pizza?

No, no, I'll just clean up the wax on the table.

There's to no more ghosts.

No more ghosts.

Mr. Unger and Mr.

Madison to see Dr. Clove.

We have an appointment.

You tell Dr.

Clove we're here?

He knows.

I see an operating table. I'm getting out of here.

Just all for effect.

Well, it's having its effect. It's giving me the creeps.

Felix, I saw this movie.

See, our car's supposed to have broken down. We came here to use the phone.

Good evening.

Dr. Clove, I'm Felix Unger. This is Oscar Mattis. He knows.

Thank you, Mort.

Is this a potion?

Not unless Italian -Swiss colony makes a potion.

Oh, the unknown.

What may I do for you, gentlemen?

Doctor, I'm sure you'll understand.

We believe we have a ghost.

A ghost, that's a good one.

Mr. Unger, there are no such things as ghosts.

Spirits, yes.

Ghosts. You have a spirit, Mr. Hunger Ghost.

What do you think? They run around wearing white sheets over their heads

little black cutouts for eyes.

Don't worry. Sit down. You came to the right place.

I can help you contact your spirit.

No, no, no. We don't want to contact him. We want to get rid of him.

You got something against spirits?

No, no.

It's just that our apartment is so small. It's hardly big enough for the

us. I know that.

I know.

things. When can you help us?

I don't know. I better look at the calendar and see.

Tomorrow I got Weight Watchers.

Wednesday I slap a hex on the landlord.

Friday I got a blind date with... I think I

can do it tonight, but I will have to charge you.

for a house call.

Oh, Dr. Klump.

Exactly what kind of doctor are you?

I'm an orthodontist.

What I gave all that up years ago.

Ah, this is my real love.

The occult.

You like all the spooky stuff?

Beats cleaning bubble gum out of braces.

never failed. If there is indeed an unfriendly spirit in your home, I know

must be done.

An exorcism. You're kidding.

Uh -uh.

I will expel the spirit tonight. I'll arrive five minutes before

twelve. If I sustain the presence of a spirit.

We will proceed with the exorcism. You will have prepared for my arrival a bay

leaves, a clove garlic, incense, and half a chicken.

Half a chicken?

Yes, sometimes around midnight I get a little hungry.

And now, gentlemen, here's an old favorite of mine, and

I hope it's one of yours.

You look like the Count of Monty Hall.

Very fun.

This is for the exorcism. Dr.

Close didn't pay the dress like that. I've been doing some research on my own.

This is authentic.

This is real garlic. I didn't get this in some schlock shop.

If you look funny... This is for the exorcism.

Mr.

Unger, that costume is used only for cases of demonic possession and

for trick -or -treat, but it doesn't work here.

Now... Where is the spook?

We strongly suspect the air conditioner.

Uh -huh.

Oscar found it here when he moved in. I know.

all things.

Yes, there does seem to be something here.

Oh, yes, I'm picking a particularly strong vibration. The spirit?

Possibly. You think so? Oh, come on. If the spirit came with the air

conditioner, why was it quiet all these years? We'd have heard moans and groans

already. That's not very difficult to explain, is it, Dr. Clove?

Yes, it is.

But the important thing is to put that soul to rest.

Then you recommend an exorcism. Oh, I don't see any other way.

And I can do it for you for $500.

$500? The air conditioner doesn't cost that much.

Would you excuse us for just a minute?

What?

Are you crazy?

It's a lot of money, isn't it? You bet your liver it is. What choice have we

got, though? We've got thousands. I can think of three right off the bat.

First, get a new air conditioner. Second, get rid of him. And third, you

move out.

Uh, fellows, look, I was born with six sharp senses.

So I can perceive your dilemma.

You're cheap people.

We just don't have that kind of money.

I've done a little research in exorcism myself.

I think I could handle it.

We have an old saying.

in the spirit game.

What you don't know can hurt you a whole lot.

I think we'll just take our chances.

Very well.

But look, at least you two got six dollars between. We're not spending a

on anything but B.

What miracle do you perform for six dollars?

I hand you

book.

How to exercise at home.

Six bucks.

Thank you, Mr. Unger. At least now with the book you have a chance to do

something right.

Farewell, Mr.

Unger. So long, sport.

I'm going to sit around all night and talk to an air conditioner. Oh, come on.

Help me, please.

All right for you.

I'll do it all by myself.

Now, it says here, chant to it in a high...

Now, you're as big a believer as I am, aren't you? You believe that after you

see the spring?

Well, of course. The evidence of your own senses. Didn't you see what

Maybe you're right. Maybe I got something. Why, of course.

Hey, Phoenix, look at this. What?

It says once a spirit is gone, to keep it away, you've got to do this

Oh, let's do it. Okay.

I'll do it. Go ahead.

Do it together, all right? Yeah.

You know what I think it'll be like?

It'll be very clean.

It'll be like a fine hotel where the linen is changed every day.

And every night, I'll go to the opera.

It'll be conducted by Toscanini.

And Caruso will be singing.

Why are you smiling?

I pictured heaven exactly that way.

Except without you.

The devil made me do it.