Original subtitles

You got a half a minute to go.

Yes, indeed he has.

Hey, Oscar is leading, but Leon is catching up. That's not fair. He's not

the crust.

Leon, eat the crust.

Murray, you got cheese on your nose.

Five, four, three, two, one.

That's it. Okay. No, no, no, no. Not bad. What he's chewing now doesn't

Okay, okay. The official results.

Oscar wins.

Leon to place.

Murray shows.

Yes, sore loser.

I want a return match with cottage cheese. I'm supposed to be on a diet.

And now a bonus for the winner.

One pizza with everything on it.

I think I'd better frame it. What is this?

A wide world of gluttony?

Fun's over, fellas. Oh, hi, Felix.

Hey, you really missed it.

You shouldn't have seen Oscar eating up all those pizzas. I've seen it. I've

heard it. I've cleaned it up.

You've got cheese on your nose.

Here. What did you do, bring me a puppy?

A dog wouldn't go out on a night like this.

Look, fellas, he's paper trained.

What's that?

It's your ex -dinner that I cooked for you that you didn't come home to eat.

Please don't do that in front of the guys. I want the guys to know how this

food burned to death because you didn't come home. Boy, that Oscar sure has an

uppity cook.

No, it's his roommate.

They're having a 602.

Domestic squabble. We'd better go.

I think you're right. So long, Oscar. Oh, wait a minute, folks. Look, I have

play. Oh, no, no, no. I don't think the Galloping Gourmet would like it.

So long, Jim.

You embarrass me like Dad. Coming down here with a basket like Little Red

Hood. Do you know what time it is?

It is 9 .32.

So what?

You said you'd be home at 6 .30.

So I couldn't make it. What's the big deal?

Does it mean nothing to you that I slaved to give you a decent meal?

All right, I'll eat it. You can't eat it. It's burned.

Then why'd you bring it down here? To teach you a lesson.

I don't need a demonstration meal. I'm not five years old. Look at this. What

this? What, what, what, what, what? I'll tell you what it is. You're upsetting

my stomach. That's what it is. I'm upsetting the nerve of the man. He eats

leaning tower of pizza and he blames me. Oh.

The whole thing's a joke. I just, I'm crazy. It doesn't matter what I eat or

when I eat it. It's when you aggravate me that it acts up. Forgive me. It's all

my fault. It is your fault. I'm to blame. I'm the scapegoat. All right,

on, we'll do things your way. You'll cook for yourself.

You'll wash for yourself.

You'll clean up for yourself. You won't have Felix Unger to push around anymore.

Bon appétit.

They appreciate nothing.

They appreciate nothing and they know nothing.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

A few potato chips, finely ground.

Some kidney beans, eh?

A few lima beans.

A little garbanzo beans.

A little green peppers, there we go, some ketchup.

Needs something yellow.

Now that's a nourishing breakfast.

Hey, that looks dry.

Chocolate fudgicle.

Had a match to you and you'd go off like the Hindenburg.

Don't you know you can't eat food like that one after the other? I know. That's

why I'm going to make a stew out of it.

Stew.

Yes. Slava's board.

Do me a favor. What? At least use a placemat. I intend to.

vitamins will go out? Oh, try it. You'll love it. I don't want my food playing

with your food. It won't kill you, you know. Oh, Oscar, I can't stand this. I

can't. It's been on for two weeks now. We have to talk. Don't start again now.

I'm getting so nervous. I think I'm getting an ulcer.

It's all that bland food. Will you try a burrito, please?

It's worrying about you. Don't you know what's going on in your stomach right

this minute? No.

Your ulcer is saying it's so hot down here, when's he going to eat the

fudgesicle?

Phoenix, if you didn't aggravate me, I wouldn't have a talking ulcer.

I feel just great.

I want to say, look out! Here comes the hot stuff.

I can't watch this. I can't watch.

I'm going to eat in my room.

Phoenix, it may surprise you to know that I know how to take better care of

than you do.

When you have an attack and you're lying there on... Unconscious.

Don't yell for me. I won't. Because you're the one who'll be sick.

You're the one who always takes all the pills.

foot is in my way.

I want to get out of here.

See what I can do, but I think you belong here. Why?

Well, look at yourself. Look at that pallor.

Here comes the cute nurse. Pinch my teeth. Pinch my teeth. I want to be

Here's your lunch, Mr.

Madison.

Oh, I see we're getting some nice colors.

Yeah, I feel cute, too.

Listen, what are you doing between transfusions?

Oh, taking temperatures, fooling around with the doctors. You know, the usual.

Do they actually do that?

Hello, Oscar. How are you feeling?

Hello, Dr. Gordon.

Oh, hello, Unger.

What's with the cups here?

Well, it looks like a joke trick from a magic shop.

Is this baby food, Doc? I can't believe it.

Eat your food.

Good bedside manner, Unger.

This chocolate pudding tastes funny.

It should. It's strained liver.

They feed people on Devil's Island better than this.

I'll eat it. I haven't eaten at all. I'm starved. I've been up since four.

Doctor, may I, uh, may I consult with you privately?

You can consult with me, but I'm not going to split my feet.

Dr.

Oscar has a marked tenderness in the upper abdominal region here.

Really? You noticed that, too?

Yeah.

And I read his chart.

Making rounds now, Unger?

You are a natural -born doctor.

Be that as it may, I'd like your opinion.

Keep your voice down. I don't alarm, Oscar.

What is your prognosis?

Well, about ulcers, most of my colleagues recommend surgery.

Surgery? What?

But of course, in Oscar's case, it wouldn't be necessary. I recommend rest

proper diet.

You think you'd be better off at home under my supervision?

Unger in the world of ulcers, you're what's known as a carrier.

Of course, if we could find somebody else to keep him away from the wrong

I'd send him home.

I've got an idea. Let me talk.

See you later.

Oscar. Okay, Doc.

If you're still here.

What do you mean if I'm still here? I mean, where... Where am I going to be?

You're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Now, Oscar.

The doctor and I have had a consultation. What did he say?

He said... Yeah?

He said I'm a natural -born doctor.

I don't care what he said about you. What did he say about me? What did he

He said it's too much to expect for me to have to do everything. Again with

I don't want to hear about you. You're wearing checks. I'm wearing white. Tell

me what he said about me, the man in white.

The prescription is home under certain conditions.

What conditions? That we hire somebody to do for you all the things I've always

done for you. You're going to hire a professional pest?

Hello, Mrs. Miller. The agency sent me about the housekeeper's position and to

take care of the sick boy. Come in, Mrs. Miller.

Oh, boy, Chick, you don't look so good.

Let me see your head.

Yeah, it's a little warm. No, no, no. Oh, and isn't it wonderful? Look at you,

all skin and bones.

No, I'm not the one you'll be taking care of. I'm not sick. It's my roommate.

Come in, come in. Oh, he's skinny like you, too.

Sit down, Mrs. Miller. I see that, uh... You're currently employed in a pet

shop? In what capacity?

What capacity? I feed animals and clean up after them.

You'll be right at home with Mr. Madison.

Excuse me, Mrs. Miller.

Hi, the agency sent me over. My name is Mitsu Hanagi.

Hello.

Come in, Miss Hanagi.

Sit down. This is... This is Mrs. Miller.

How do you do? How do you do?

Call me Fanny.

Felix, what's with the doorbell ringing Saturday morning? A sick man? I can't

get any sleep. What is going on?

Hello, ladies.

Ladies, I'd like you to meet Mr. Madison. This is Mrs. Miller.

Oh, this is the sick one.

Oh, you look terrible, boy chick.

He's burning up.

You should go right back to bed, darling.

Oscar, this is Miss Hanagi. How do you do?

How do you do?

Yes, can I talk to you for a minute alone in the kitchen? Yes, excuse me,

ladies. Get the feel of the place, ladies. Talk to each other. Sit down.

Tell me, sweetheart, how do you make those radios so small?

Who are those women?

I told you, I'm hiring a nanny for you.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll take the cute Oriental and... Column A, forget

column B.

Equal opportunity, employers. We do not discriminate because of cute. This is

the Oscar Madison blech test.

What are you doing?

Now, smear the icebox.

Come on, come on, come on. Put this up on top. My mother says they never clean

on top. That's very good. Now wash your hands.

Throw the cigar on the floor. When you're finished, dry your hands on the

curtain the way you usually do.

Now, Mrs.

Miller, look around you. This kitchen looks the way it usually does after Mr.

Madison's been in it for two minutes.

Now, Mrs. Miller, find the filth.

In other words, what is wrong with this picture?

Okay,

okay.

We see what's wrong with this picture.

work in a house where such a clean, good boy lives, Mr. Long.

And you, my darling, you would be the sloppy son I never had.

Thank you, Mrs. Miller. Now sit down. We'll be with you in a moment. Just take

your time. Okay.

Thank you, thank you.

Is that a real pro?

Yeah, for cleaning, yeah.

Equal opportunity. Okay, mess up the kitchen again.

Now assuming you work for us.

Thank you very much.

Okay. You wasted a lot of filth. I want Miss Hinoki and that's it.

This is not the dating game.

Then we gotta find somebody we both want.

There must be someone in this world who's a perfect nanny for you.

What can I do for you?

I'm your new housekeeper.

Claire Frost from Bayonne, New Jersey.

First thing you can do for me is take your feet off the coffee table.

You're my nanny?

Mr. Unger met me at the employment agency this morning. Hired me on the

Made a great impression on me. Yeah, well, he makes a great impression on

everybody.

Oh, that robe.

When was the last time it was washed?

I don't know. I think it was the Ali -Frazier fight.

Well, take it off and I'll boil it. No, Mrs. Frost. Ms.

Ms. Frost.

I don't think this arrangement is going to work. Mr. Unger hired me and he's the

only one who can fire me.

So give me that robe.

Cigar?

No more.

Say goodbye to the cigar.

Bye -bye, cigar.

Now, I'll get your breakfast.

I'm on a bland diet, so I'll have corned beef hash and a couple of fried eggs,

okay?

That's funny.

You'll have milk toast and a large bowl of oatmeal.

Now, where can I freshen up?

Down the hall, first door to your room. Thank you.

Yeah, she's here.

She's in your room.

No, she's in my room.

The hunger instinct strikes again.

Right to the heart of fun.

When you said you were going to get me a nanny, be a nice, sweet little lady

with little red cheeks, you have an umbrella, little

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Instead, I got the beast of Bayonne.

Don't swipe your suit.

Don't slouch. Sit up straight.

She's Miss Right.

Miss Right.

Where is she?

Disinfecting the bathroom. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And does your bathroom need it?

Not my bathroom. She's disinfecting your bathroom.

How come? She boiled my room.

It's still wet. I can't use it until tomorrow.

Good evening, Mr. Unger. Have I got a sparkling and twinkling bathroom for

She's a treasure.

What treasure? You know what she's going to do? She's going to shampoo the rugs.

She's pure gold.

Don't you understand? If she shampoos the rugs, you're going to have to fly me

around this apartment like Peter Pan.

I want to get rid of her.

No, sirree, not on your life. You agreed to abide by my decision. And you agreed

you were going to try to help my Elsa. It's been acting up ever since she's

here. Venus, don't you feel the tension in this apartment since Frosty the Snow

Woman got here?

The tension is in your imagination.

No, it's not. The tension is in my stomach.

We're lucky to have her, don't you know that? I'm keeping out of your way.

I'm going out tonight with Miriam for dinner. What are you going to do?

a great football game, one I'd like to watch.

Drop it!

What do you think you're doing, Mr. Unker? I was just seasoning the soup.

little bland.

Well, we're treating an ulcer here.

You're right, you're right, right.

It's perfect.

And I don't... think it's the cleanest thing in the world to put the spoon back

in the pot after spitting your mouth.

You're right. I always do that. I never think that. Well, that's my job. That's

what you hired me for. That's right. Now you go and you have a nice evening.

Take over. When you come home, be sure you step on the papers because I'm going

to shampoo the rug.

Oh, about that.

I wonder if that could wait till tomorrow. You see, Mr. Madison's a

writer. He wants to watch a football game on TV tonight.

Mr. Unger, who's the housekeeper here, you or me?

Well, You are, of course, but Mr. Madison's a patient. I guess we'll just,

have to humor him.

I'm not Soupy Sales, and this is not the comedy hour.

You do have a way of filling a room with tension, don't you?

Mr. Anger, I know your type. You want to be light.

But in my job, you can't be soft.

You have to wield an iron mop.

Miss Frost, I am no powder puff.

Appearances to the contrary not withstand.

He's going to watch the ball game. I'm putting my foot down.

Do you think you're any match for me?

No, but I'm putting my foot down.

When I left the army, I made a promise to myself.

I said, Frosty, there can only be one top kick in any outfit.

That's me.

I was a lieutenant in the army.

I was a colonel.

Talk about your temperamental cleanness.

So long, Felix.

Where are you going?

Back to the hospital.

No, no, no. Stay in your own home. Enjoy it. I got rid of the jailer. I know,

and I appreciate it, but the warden is still here.

You're right.

Go on, go on. I guess you're right.

I only upset you. I'll take you down there. No, you don't have to. I'll get a

cat. No, no, I'll get a cat for you. No, the doorman will get the cat for you.

Let me do it. The doorman will get the cat for you!

Don't worry about anything.

I'll be over there first thing in the morning.

This would be a perfect time to shampoo the rugs.

What are we having for dinner?

Rump roast.