Original subtitles

Is this Olaf Steiner?

Is Oscar Madison having lunch there?

Well, if he comes in, would you tell him that his secretary is waiting at his

apartment for his column?

Thank you.

Myrna Turner.

Yeah, you sound cute too, Olaf.

Bye.

Did you locate your prodigal boss?

Not yet. I tried every place he eats at. The April Fool's Taco, Edible Eddie.

Did you try his new gourmet spot?

Hesh and Heidi's nautical nosh?

Not there either.

I found some marvelous old photographs I want to show you. Of what?

You as a baby on a bearskin rug?

I never posed on a bearskin rug.

I was always allergic to animals.

Even stuffed ones.

What did you curl up in your crib with?

A sponge.

baby. Oh, you sure had chubby cheeks.

Who's the man with you? That's my Uncle Eric.

He had six fingers on his right hand.

I used to love to watch him wave bye -bye.

Oh, this is a nice one.

That's Oscar and Blanche's wedding picture.

I don't understand. I see you in an army uniform and Mrs. Madison in a wedding

dress, but I don't see Mr. Madison.

Oh, Oscar wasn't there?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You mean Mr. Madison wasn't at his own wedding?

Well, he was there for a little while. Didn't he ever tell you about it? No,

tell me.

I'd love to hear the inside stuff on Mr. Madison, because all I ever see on the

outside are ketchup stains.

Well, it all started when we were in the Army Reserve.

We were just getting ready to go away for our annual two weeks of summer camp.

In those days, Oscar was a bachelor, and Blanche was trying to talk him out of

it. So she came over to the apartment.

Don't forget to check my mail, Blanche.

I'll forward anything that looks important.

What did you say the name of your bookie was again?

I'm going to miss your jokes, Blanche.

Don't forget, don't touch anything in the apartment. Everything is in its

place.

And you come every night to feed the fish.

Are you sure there's something still alive in there? That tank is filthy.

Food disappears every day. There must be something under there.

I'm going to clean it while you're gone.

Why? The fish love it. Instead of knocking themselves out swimming, they

hang there.

If it gets any thicker, they're going to have to learn to walk.

I'm going to miss you, Oscar.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Do you know how long we've been dating?

Three Kentucky Derbies.

When a couple dates three years, do you know what it means?

They can't get other dates? Oh.

I know what it means. We're going steady. Honey, if I don't finish

going to be in trouble. Fetus is going to be here any minute.

He's going to drive me to camp.

I hope I have enough fun.

Oscar. Yes?

Do you love me?

Of course I love you. If I didn't love you, I would have dumped you years ago.

You're so romantic, your silver tongue just brought a tear to my eye. I know

what you mean. Honey, two people love each other, they go together three

it usually follows they get married, right? Right.

I better meet Felix downstairs.

Halt!

Honey, I promise, the two weeks I'm away, I'll think about it. He's said

lots of times. I can't promise you I'm always going to be here.

Come on, honey, you'll always be here. I'm always here.

Come on.

Probably Felix.

Oscar,

you old... Oh, it didn't happen to two nicer people.

No, no. I proposed to Oscar and he turned me down.

Better mind my own beeswax.

That's a good idea.

Off we go.

So 900 hours. It's army talk, Blanche.

Let's go, Madison.

Hold your horses. Hold your horses?

Look at these, Buster.

You're talking to an officer soldier.

Sorry, sir. I beg your pardon, sir.

I've got to treat you just like everybody else. You understand that? Oh,

understand that. A friend of mine's driving us there. Corporal Murray

He's a cop.

He's a very nice guy.

When you meet him, don't say anything about his nose.

Hey, the rumor is that you know Blank Summers from Cue Garden. Is that true?

Yeah, you know her?

Oh, yes, sirree, Bob.

She was engaged to my buddy, Cecil Panch.

Well, this guy Cecil Panch, was he really going to marry her? Yeah!

The Macs are showing those hygiene films again. You want to go?

Before, I know how to brush my teeth. Now back and forth, up and down.

No, it's the sex hygiene one.

You know, men, don't let this happen to you.

Nothing's going to happen to me because I'm going to stay in tonight.

Oh, come on, let's do something.

Hey, let's go to town and dance up a storm.

The Eagles Club is having a big Charleston contest.

Somebody's dancing in front of me while I'm trying to think of a way to let it.

Okay, okay, don't be so touchy. I mean, camaraderie is part of being in the

army, Oscar.

If you don't want to camarade with me, that's okay.

are mirth merriment and music while you're here at Fort Ira Epstein you will

required to think dress and behave like soldiers if any of one of you wants

to test my

and dices, sir. Affirmative.

If you pass inspection tomorrow, and I expect every man in my outfit to pass

inspection.

Fortunately, we have in our midst the perfect example of what not to do.

is fatigues, Madison, not exhaustion.

That cap regulation?

For the New York Yankees it is, sir.

good soldier.

And a good, clean soldier is good.

How was I?

What's the matter with Madison? He didn't take us personally, did he? Just

him as an example? Oh, I don't think so. He's been kind of glum. I think he's...

Trouble Back H -O -M -E.

Oh. Ah.

Well, I'll have to look into it.

How's your morale, Breschler?

Comme ci, comme ça, sir.

Fellas making fun of your nose.

Saying, why do we need artillery? We've got Breschler's nose.

The army can't find a gas mask to fit him.

When he looks up, it looks like a two -car garage.

I've never heard that one before, sir.

Military police.

And you wear it with pride.

Wear your nose with pride.

You were issued it.

Push back your cap and let the world see your nose.

Dismissed. Thank you, sir.

here. She was having a party. There were a lot of guys there. See, she's a

terrific girl. I don't want to lose her.

What does your heart say?

My heart says marry her, but I can't get my mouth to say.

Well, I myself am shy, but I think I could help you.

No, please, thanks, but this is something I've got to do myself.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call her.

Yeah, I'm going to tell her to come here.

I'll make an extra, will you? The main thing is, be calm. Be calm.

This is the most important decision you'll ever make in your life.

If you make a mistake now, you're going to pay for it as long as you live.

Please do me a favor, will you? Don't calm me down.

Hello, Blanche. How are you?

Huh? Oscar.

I can hardly hear you.

What are you doing? Having another party?

Who's that?

Cecil Perkins, isn't it? Calm down.

Another party with Cecil Perkins.

Now, Blanche, I want to... Be romantic.

I want to... What I want to... I want to... You... Blanche, I...

Blanche, I want...

I want our time to sink. Here, you

talk to her while I find the right words. Go ahead.

Hi, Blanche.

Lieutenant Unger here.

Yes. Oh, everything's wonderful, Blanche. Yeah, just fine.

Why should I lie to you, Blanche? It's a snake pit.

an officer.

I don't have any leadership qualities. I never did.

Even as a kid, I wasn't a leader.

They made me crosswalk monitor. I was supposed to show the parents where to

their cars.

Parents used to stick out their hands for a left turn and hit me behind the

I found the right words. The same thing in high school. I was president of the

German club. Nobody would listen to me. If you can't get Germans to follow

orders, who will?

I don't want to lose the right words.

I just started talking.

I don't have any more. Give me some change. I gave you all my change.

How do you know check?

I don't have to check. I know every item of my person. I have my comb. I have my

wallet. I have my... Oh, please. Listen, Blanche.

Blanche.

Operator, please. It'll only take a second.

No, don't cut me off.

No, don't. She's going to disconnect me. Oh, Blanche, to call you back.

caught you.

Hello?

Blanche, how did you know where to call me?

The operator gave him the number. Of course. I love you and I want to marry

Yeah, tomorrow morning I want you to get the first bus to Abnerville,

Connecticut.

Where's the justice of peace?

He said he'd be here early. He'll be here.

Blanche! Blanche, you almost ready?

Yes, I'm inspecting my dad.

You look... Felix, will you calm down? The groom is supposed to be nervous, not

the best man.

You've got to get back to camp and pass inspection.

Don't worry about that stupid inspection. You'll pass me. It's not up

Colonel Wyatt's inspecting today, and he's in a foul mood.

One of the cooks went berserk and tried to strangle him with a string of

saucers.

Have you got the ring? Yes, I've got it. I go with you. Relax.

Why not?

I'm not the one who's getting married.

Well, am I too late? Fire!

Fire!

Hold it. Hold it. There's no fire here. I'm the justice of the peace.

I'm also a volunteer fireman. I also raise chinchillas if you'd like to buy

little woman a coat for her anniversary.

All right. I'm the good. Can we get started, please? Just as soon as I take

my big yellow hat.

Blanche!

Blanche, we're ready now.

She's not here?

What do you mean she's not here?

Oh, honey, you look beautiful.

Sure, for a woman who just climbed out a window. Who yelled fire?

That was a mistake.

We're ready now.

Shall we take our places? The bride will enter through that door. Crystal, dear,

are you ready? So beautiful, Blanche. I'm so sorry.

What is that?

Paid $5 extra for music. Couple extra bucks, you could have gotten Pluto, too.

Shall we take our places?

Now, the bride will enter with the music.

Go ahead, Crystal.

Go back and start again. She can do it right.

It was just fine.

Crystal likes to do it right. It helps her confidence.

Oh, huh.

Play it again, Crystal.

Go back again.

Maybe you'd like to play another piece, sweetheart.

Maybe Crystal would like to hum it. Yeah.

This man has got to be back at the base in 20 minutes.

Very well, Crystal, play what you know best here.

Do you, Oscar Trevor Madison, take Blanche Summers as your lawful wedded

I do. And do you, Blanche, take Oscar as your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Then by the power vested in me by the state of Connecticut, I pronounce you

and wife.

You may kiss the bride on the mouth.

Hiya, husband.

Listen, Phoenix will take you to the hotel and meet you there. Yeah, and

pass that inspection. I don't want to spend my wedding night alone.

Don't forget to check your hospital quarters. Bye -bye.

Picture time. It's all part of the party.

Where's the groom?

He had to go. Have your picture taken, Blanche. It's paid for. Oh, no. A

of a bride alone is sad.

I know. Why don't you have a picture taken with me? It'll confuse people

someday.

You've got my sense of humor, Blanche.

I'm not the groom, Christine.

Don't throw rice, Christine. You're annoying us, Christine.

How'd you like a whack on your mouth, Christine?

You'll be a good mother someday, Blanche.

scarf, sir.

Well, I have to. I have sausage burns.

Lieutenant,

come over here for a minute.

Did you notice in one of the soldier's lockers there are three dresses?

That's Kojic, sir. He's a professional female impersonator.

But I made sure every one of those pleats is razor sharp, sir.

Will you put the men in ease with them?

You all pass inspection.

Even you, Madison.

As I recall last year, we had to send your stuff to the demolition squad.

I'm a new man, sir.

Good. Well, you'll all get your passes.

Dismissed.

Not so fast.

Your pass for the weekend is rescinded.

But you said, sir, I passed inspection. Yes, you did. But you're being punished

for destroying government property.

What government property?

You destroyed a telephone in the recreation room yesterday.

Oh, it must have been somebody else, sir, nodding me. Look, tonight is my

wedding night, sir. It was you, Lieutenant Unger here, filed a full

it.

That will be all.

Harrison, you will spend this weekend right here in these barracks.

If I'd known they were going to cancel your pass and ruin your honeymoon, I'd

never have reported you today. I'd have waited till Monday.

A fighting force is not run on sentiment.

What I see, I must report.

I'm an officer. I've got to do my duty, even at the risk of losing your

friendship. You risked it and you lost it.

But what I don't see, I can't report.

Now, I'm dismissing myself.

And all I see is a soldier sitting alone in the barrack.

She gave me this bottle of champagne, but I'm not really thirsty.

Oh, neither am I.

Oh, honey.

Hey, did you ever really consider marrying Cecil Panch?

Oh, no, I couldn't go through life as Blanche Panch.

I mean, there's no TV in here or radios. It's just a lot of beds, you know.

I wore my nightie over under my coat. I didn't want to change in the latrine.

Listen, you sure you don't mind? I mean, coming up to Connecticut one day's

notice and that crazy wedding and now the honeymoon suite is an army barrack.

Could have been worse. We could have been married in New York and then we

have had to spend our wedding night in your bedroom.

Is that your Gresham?

Yes, sir. Guarding the area, sir.

Good. Did you bring your harmonica? Yes, sir.

Why don't you play it? Right.

wait. I had to cover the racetrack.

Until this hour? Took me that long to borrow a car fare.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

What are we doing, looking at old pictures?

Yes.

What do you see in that picture, Oscar Madison?

Do you see a girl whose hopes were shattered by your irresponsibility, your

gambling, your all -around sloppiness?

Tell me, Oscar Madison, what do you see?

Some guy with six fingers.