Original subtitles

So I knocked his head off, you know? Yeah.

And it started rolling on a 40 -yard line. And it went to the 45 line, you

Boy, they were scared, you know? Yeah.

But it wasn't his head. No.

It was his helmet.

Jake,

listen. Since we're going to call this chapter in the book Bones Are Made For

Breaking, we'll need more violent anecdotes like that. Oh, I got a

Let's pick out some of the funniest, okay?

Hey, honey?

How about that time at the Super Bowl game last year, huh? You never played in

the Super Bowl.

Well, I was in the stands, and some guy made a pass at my wife.

Jake, he didn't make a pass at me.

Well, he pinched your hand.

So I pinched his face, you know?

Pinched his face?

What is the hardest you ever tackled a guy?

I tackled a guy so hard one time.

His tattoos fell off.

I'm going to get another coffee. Jake, Jake, I'm going to go.

What time will you be eating for dinner?

I can't go home with dinner tonight.

You know, the big game's tonight.

Oh, again? This is the fourth night in a row I've had to eat alone.

Well, this is an important poker game. The quarterbacks are going to do it.

Okay.

But when you come in, please don't wake me up by snapping me with a towel.

She likes it.

I don't hit her hard.

She seems unhappy.

Something wrong?

Oh, no. She's a classy girl, you know, but she just doesn't understand the

camaraderie between ballplayers.

Let's get back to the book. In your opinion, what is the single greatest

advancement in football during the last ten years?

Deodorants.

I think I'll go to lunch now.

Hey. Huh?

Nice meeting you, huh?

Squished his face.

Hi,

Myrna. Oh, hi. Don't go in there. He's very busy with a very large person. I

just have to pick up some offer tickets he's got for me. Oh, I have them here.

Oh. Here they are. Thank you. Have fun.

And if the baritone's cute, call me.

These are great seats.

Oscar must be dealing with a higher class scalper.

Matter of fact, I am. So am I.

Did you by chance see Joan Sutherland in this last season?

Oh, yes. It was beautiful.

You were there?

Yes. So was I. I didn't see you.

You didn't know me. I know. I know you now.

It was so beautiful, I cried.

I made a public spectacle of myself.

Nothing quite like opera, is there?

No, I agree.

Enjoy it. Thank you. Bye.

Say, uh...

I was going to trick a friend into going with me, but I'd much rather trick you.

I'm sorry.

I said the wrong thing.

I mean, Gauche, whenever I meet a beautiful woman, I act terrible. I'm

I doing it again? Should I shut up? Would you please go with me tonight?

Tonight? These are for tonight.

I'd love to.

Oh, good.

Where are you going now?

Shopping. Oh, so am I.

Have you had lunch?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

happened to me tonight? No, no, I'll make you guess. You ran into Ginger

Close. I met a woman. Oscar, this is serious.

Did you ever meet someone you knew was going to change your whole life? Yes, I

met him, a 250 -pound linebacker who was going to make me rich if he'd leave me

alone and make me write this book. I'll bow out gracefully that I wanted you to

be the first to know. I met a woman who loves everything I love.

I hate her already.

five o 'clock.

Shouldn't work so late. It's not good for you.

It wasn't working. That's when you stopped singing.

Oscar, have you ever seen me so happy?

Yeah, when they added soap to Brillo pads.

That was a biggie.

But this, this is the real thing.

Sex? No, I'm not talking about lust. I'm talking about love.

Never mind.

Spill, spill.

Let's talk.

We went to the opera and then we went to supper.

Now, do I know every French restaurant in New York, or do I? You do. No.

She found a spot in the Bronx sandwiched between two condemned buildings.

The most wonderful place I've ever seen.

Leave it, leave it. Leave it, leave it. You mean you're not going to holler

about the way I eat? No, no, I'm too happy to deal with it.

of Central Park, we rushed to the Honky Tonks on 42nd Street.

We went to a penny arcade.

Everything's a quarter now.

I won a prize for you. A plastic boat for the bathtub.

Then we had our pictures made. One of those places where you crowd in four for

quarter, you know.

We made funny faces. It was so much fun.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm meeting Melanie. We're spending the whole day together.

What are you going to do?

Who knows? We don't make plans. We go. We do.

We're a now couple. Don't do the dishes. Leave them for me.

Melon... Melanie?

Outside my office, Melanie?

That's the Melanie.

I don't know. She's just been acting weird lately, you know? She's been

around the house like... Ginger Rogers.

I'm going home now.

You must be imagining things.

There's only two things that get me mad.

Some little midget field goal kicker trying to take a cheap shot at me.

Or someone fooling around with my wife.

I'm Oscar's roommate.

Wow, what a thrill.

Oh, lady.

You don't want to get the old lady in too well. She'll take out the fun when

read the book.

I didn't want to interrupt. I just have to use your good offices to get some

theater tickets. You got them, buddy. You got them. Goodbye. You don't know

at all.

Don't worry about it. Whatever it is, just give me the name of the show. No

other name. Just the name of the show.

She wants to see a new off -Broadway show.

A Chicano musical called Lettuce. You got two heads. I mean, two tickets.

worry. You got them. She's very eager to see it. It's hard to get tickets for

her. Don't worry about it, will you? No.

I'll get the tickets for lettuce. I know a linebacker invested in it.

Use it for a tax write -off. I'll give him a buzz.

Nice. Nice guy. You know who he is, right?

Char and Jake, yeah.

Do you know who his wife is?

Mrs. Metcalf, I presume.

Right again.

Mrs. Melanie Metcalf.

Melanie would do that.

is his melody? That's right.

I don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it. For all our sakes, you better believe it.

I never knew she was married.

And she wasn't just waiting for me to come along.

But someday he'll be waiting for you to come along and do it. You see how your

face is all screwed up? That'll be a permanent condition.

Oh, that poor baby.

Okay, now you know what's at stake. Your poor baby, your body, my book. You

gotta get out of this mess. Get out?

Yeah, you gotta stop seeing her. Just ask me to cut my heart out. Oh, Jake

take care of that.

strictly between Jake and me.

Okay.

Settle with him later.

You spell wrong.

Type it up for the book. Leave out the huh, huh, huh.

Okay, I'll leave a space so the readers could fill in their own.

I hate violence. Oh, he's a pussycat.

He's a big pussycat.

Hello, Oscar.

Come on in,

come on in.

Hi, hello.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I'd really like to talk to you. Oh,

sure, sure.

Myrna, why don't you go out to lunch?

It's good. Everything will be fresh here.

Oh,

good. I could eat in the subway.

Yeah, go ahead.

Go, go.

Sit down, sit down. Thank you. Pretty soon.

Oh, thank you.

You want a cup of coffee or anything? No.

You know, it goes high and low. Let's talk about Felix.

You know.

Yeah.

Oscar, I had no idea that Felix was your roommate until Jake told me about the

lettuce tickets.

Can I be straight with you?

Please. What I want to know is why you didn't tell Felix you were married in

first place. I tried. I couldn't. Why not?

I guess I didn't really want to.

Oh, Oscar, I really like the guy.

Didn't you forget you're married to Jake Metcalf?

Oh, well, that's the problem. You see, that's the reason that I fell for Felix.

Ever since that I've been married to Jake, I've always been known as Jake's

wife. And then when I was out with Felix, suddenly I was just plain Melanie

I loved it.

Yeah, but you can't go around falling in love with everybody who calls you by

your first name.

Oh, but Felix isn't everybody.

Felix is incredible.

I mean, he's charming and sincere.

He does?

What?

I don't have to tell you about him. I mean, you live with him.

I live with a different Felix.

What are you going to do?

Well, my latest decision as of a half hour ago is to break it off.

The marriage?

Oh, no. I realize now I want to save my marriage. I'm going to have to break it

off with Felix. But how?

I mean, yesterday we went to the U .N. building.

And this morning...

sent me a dove with an olive branch taped to its beak.

Now, how can you ditch somebody who's just sent you a dove?

Look, I'll do it for you. You will? Oh, sure. I know how to handle it. We've

been friends for so many years. Don't worry. I'll be very tactful. See, I'll

say, here's your bird. I hope it pecks your heart out and I'll get all the

melodies right on the line.

No, no, no, Oscar.

You don't think that's strong enough? No, thank you, but I couldn't ask you to

do that. No, this is my responsibility and I'll... handle it.

We're meeting for lunch at your house today. Do you suppose you could be there

for moral support?

Yeah, I will be. Honest, I'll be there. Don't worry about it. Oh, Oscars, thank

you. Okay.

Thank you.

You don't seem very surprised.

Oh, but I am.

Let's try it again.

Melanie's coming over.

Oscar,

I've spent the whole morning walking, thinking, singing.

I've finally come to a decision.

What? I've got to tell Melanie we're through.

La comedia è finita.

Pagliacci.

That's all, folks. Porky Pig.

If you need me, I'll be in my bedroom in between two condemned sheets.

Hello, Eric.

Come in, Melanie.

Melanie.

I love your name.

Melanie.

I hate the name Olga.

Melanie's a beautiful name.

Edna's a nice name. I like Tom.

But never mind. Sit down. Sit down.

Melanie.

I know something that you don't know I know.

You're married.

I know.

You know.

Well, yes, I'm... Well, of course, you know. You're the one who's married.

I'm the one who didn't know.

I know.

Why didn't you tell me? Oh, Felix, I wanted to, and I'm sorry. I just haven't

been able to sleep at night. No, I understand.

I know what you've been going through.

I'm a great date.

No, no, listen to me, sweetheart.

Since my divorce, I've had four or five, what would you call them,

liaisons.

Maybe you'd call them affairs.

Two liaisons, three affairs.

Three liaisons, two affairs.

Actually, it's more like, no, no, three liaisons and two affairs.

Briefly, with the dental hygienist, that was half the business anyway.

But nothing serious, nothing that I would call a relationship.

And that's why I feel we've got to be very mature about this. I agree with

Felix. We can't be swayed by sentimentality, sure. We've got

The opera, the French restaurant, the carriage ride through Central Park.

Am I leaving anything out?

No, Felix, I think you pretty well covered it. And we cherish those

and we must. But you're married.

And so they must remain just memories.

And that's why I feel we've got to be very cold about this, very realistic.

I know, Felix. And that's what I came over to tell you.

I've decided not to see you anymore.

Why not?

You're just straight up... Stupid reasons. We've got wonderful memories.

We've got the opera.

We've got the carriage ride through the park. Oh, yes, Felix, and they were fun,

but... The Penny Arcade. That's the one I left out. Is that why you don't want

to see me anymore because I left it out? No. Because if it is, I'll put it back

in. Oh, no, no.

Didn't you get the dove I sent you? Oh, yes, Felix, I did.

But we've got to stop seeing each other completely. Why? Why? Why can you say a

thing like that? We belong together. We're a team. I know these things. I'm a

photographer. I know.

Oh, Felix.

But you don't have to say it. You're saying it now with your eyes.

Don't you think I know what's going on right now?

You love me so much, you're trying to protect me from your husband. But I'm

afraid anymore. I may have been before, but love has given me the strength of a

Samson. Felix, where are you going? I'm going to tell old 88 the truth, and the

truth shall set ye free. Oh, no, no. If I'm not back in 30 minutes, eat the

spaghetti, because it'll only go to waste anyway.

Mr. Metcalf, this is very difficult to say.

Your wife and I are very much... Very much what?

We're an item.

An item?

Yes. Oh, what are you trying to say? You've been going out with my wife?

That's very aptly put, actually, yes.

Come on, Jake. Come on. What are you, some kind of a weirdo? I'd rather think

not.

I'm going to hit you in the head. Violence won't solve anything, will it?

don't want to solve anything. I'm going to hit you in the head.

part in this whole thing. What whole thing is that? Yeah, well, my wife and

twerpy friend of yours. What wife? What twerpy friend? I don't know what you

mean.

Tweety pie here.

Oscar, what are you doing here? I can fight my own battle. You can't win.

got to lose.

I tried to be honest with you and you're brutal.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I'm going to beat two guys up that's ruining my life. I'm sure, Jake, you've

a problem solved in the usual way. Hit, smash, squeeze their face. But the

problem is you and me.

That's absolutely right.

Will you stop troublemaking?

Will you love it for me here?

I could be. I mean, he's sweet and he's kind and he's there when I need him,

Jake, the way you used to be.

Well, I'm sweet.

Oh, you don't want to do that, Jake.

And I'm kind.

And ain't I there?

Well, not lately. I mean, ever since you became a pro, I never see you.

Oh, I see. You're not in football, huh?

Well, it got me out of the still. Mills.

Give me an education.

And maybe a first -class citizen. I met the president. Did you meet the

president? Did you?

I don't know who to hit.

Well, Jake, I don't want you to give up football. I mean, I fell in love with a

football player, but can I at least be half -time?

Game time, Jake!

I'll let you.

Come on, Jake!

Yeah, yeah.

Look it, right after the game, huh?

Yeah, we'll have dinner and we'll talk.

Okay. No, I can't tonight. Look it.

Okay,

yeah, we'll have dinner and talk. Jake, helmet.

Good luck. Yeah, yeah.

best chapter. It's a love triangle. The movies are going to buy this. You see,

the player and the girl, they walk away happy. They leave the guy broken.

I'm sorry, Felix.

Must have been a rough night, huh?

Hey, how's your face?

It's my heart that's broken.

Having to watch my girl reconcile with her husband while he was pinching my

between thumb and forefinger.

It's humiliating. Oh, it's not humiliating. I mean, Melanie's a very

kind of girl. Hey, she was ready almost to give up a marriage because of you. I

mean, she and Jake have been together a long time.

I think it's a compliment. I think it means you're some kind of special guy.

I am?

You give me a great chapter, I'll give you a great dinner. I know an Italian

restaurant sandwiched between two booking joints. Okay?

You luck it out.

No, I know.

Of all the words of Tom Mopan, the saddest of these it

might have been.

Melanie and I.

Two ships that passed the man.

Three ships if you count Jake.

A lovely moment, a brief encounter.

Cold, gone, like my spaghetti sauce.