Original subtitles

We've got to finish this before Oscar comes back.

Want some more Chinese food, Bill?

No, thank you, Murray.

Miriam, how about an egg roll or some fried noodles? No, thank you, Murray.

There.

Look at that.

You did it.

Looked great, huh? Yeah. Better check with Evop. You're coming. Right.

What do you think, Murray? What do you think? I may be crazy, but I think it's

swell.

Oh, I think I see. Yes, he's getting out of a taxi.

Hair.

Hair. Hair.

Hey, look at that.

I didn't know you wore glasses. You look cute.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Felix, I'm so sorry he didn't notice your walls.

He was distracted by your glasses.

It's all right. He's tired. He'll see it later.

Thanks a lot, you guys. I never could have done it without you two. We broke a

world record.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, listen.

Let me know if he finds any hairs.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

That's very good. Very good. What does it smell like?

Chinese turpentine.

Yes, yes.

Do you see anything different?

There's a little brown tear on your left hand.

It's not brown.

What is it?

Look around you. I painted the whole room.

Oh, yes.

It's flaming peach.

What color was it before?

Spanish mildew.

I like it.

But you like this a lot better, don't you? It's nice.

So you agree. We need all new furniture.

Why?

I did a job today for a furniture maker. He's going to give me anything I want.

How can you say no just like that? No. Because I'm happy with the furniture

got. I don't want to be bothered. I don't have any money for furniture. This

junk doesn't match.

You're not going to be bothered at all, and it's not going to cost you a red

penny. I've got a plan. I don't have time for your plans. I want to finish

book while I'm hot, buddy. Part of my plan is to keep you out of the plan. I'm

going to do everything so you'll have time to finish your book.

Trust me.

Look, look, look.

When Blanche and you split up, what was the one thing she didn't fight you for?

The furniture, right?

You won't bother me?

I painted this whole room without bothering you. It won't cost me a cent.

I'm going to sell the old furniture to buy new.

You won't touch anything in my room? Have I ever?

You won't be so... Getting

nippy

out there. Just to go out there.

Wanted to get the early edition of tomorrow's paper our ads did it. All

To tell this furniture.

Here it is. Hot off the presses. Boy, we're going to have a crowd here

Better check on my brownies. I'm making brownies.

It's after 12 o 'clock.

Yeah? May I help you? We're here for the rummage sale. No, that's tomorrow.

Oh, tomorrow, today? It's in the paper already.

Yeah, we get the early edition as soon as it comes out, so we get first crack

everything. That's how I got my dog. If you're not first in New York, you're

last. Hi, mister.

Let me have it.

Ladies, my friend here has a great deal of work to do, so the sale starts

tomorrow. It's already tomorrow. It's past midnight. Oh, please, mister. I

all the way from Larchmont. I need an end table.

Badly. Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen? I promised I wasn't

going to bother you. But you broke your promise.

All right. The lady came all the way from Larchmont. What am I going to do?

Pretend we're not here. Go back to work. You won't know we're here. Let me hear

the clatter of...

I've matched it perfectly. I'm surprised. Get these women out of here.

now? Yesterday you got the wrong camera.

Don't you remember? Well, Tom, the store's closed. You've got to take

on it. Can I take time?

They're five for $25.

I'll give you $16 for any three. You can have any three. You can have anything

you want tomorrow. The sale is tomorrow. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Last one

out is a rock made. Come on, ladies. Here we go. I got cash. Don't take a

I got cash. The sale is tomorrow.

Look at her. Look at her desk.

You got a desk.

Great. How much is it? Too much. You can't afford it. The sale is tomorrow.

$50. Impossible. My friend is writing a very important... $75.

Out of the question, Mr. Einstein. A hundred.

It's yours.

What are you doing? He's giving us twice what it's worth.

This is a classic piece, mister. Give me a hand. Get this downstairs and give

each one of you a buck.

Meantime, you can use the bridge table to work on it. Bridge table? I can use

it. I'll give you $15.

It's yours.

Boy, did we take him.

corner. No one in this house eats in a greasy spoon. I made your favorite.

Eggs and waffles.

There you are. You'll see.

Like camping out.

There you go.

Nice and airy in here, isn't it?

I wonder you're so bubbly and happy.

Thanks for finding me enough for you.

I just gave him a cone of shellac. Don't sit on the set.

Well, how am I supposed to eat?

Well, you're doing a cocktail party.

Juggle it.

This is good.

Hold on for a second, will you?

How am I supposed to eat?

How you doing a cocktail party? I think

this is ridiculous.

Come on. You've got to get some furniture, something we can sit on here.

promise you by tonight you'll have something to sit on.

I can't see you like that. Here, come on. Put it on top of my...

Smith of Baltimore Colts for the most embarrassing moment.

I've only got ten minutes. I've got to do a candy commercial with my mother.

okay.

Vern, I want you to wait outside. I don't want anybody to come in here for

minutes. Hold that line, right?

Okay, Bubba. Now, what was your most embarrassing moment?

When my parents named me Bubba.

Now, what was your most embarrassing moment in your football career?

Come on, Oscar. You know I can't tell you that. Sure you can. That's what the

book is about. It's a lot of funny stories.

Okay, I've got a great one. Look here.

This is going to kill you. Anybody home?

What happened to Myrna? She's outside making sure nobody comes in.

This will just take a second.

Hi, I'm Felix Unger. This is Bubba Smith.

A football player who's in a hurry. Yes.

Hello, Mr. Smith.

Just call me Bubba.

Bubba.

Boobie. This will just take a minute. I got some marvelous swatches for our

drapes, and I wanted your approval.

I don't have time. Tell me, do you like these?

Yes, I've tackled that color before.

Is this the color of your drapes?

No, no, this is the one I'm going to use for my drapes. I think this will go

with my walls.

What color are your walls?

Flaming peach.

Very good. That'll go perfect with your walls.

Yeah, I think so.

Tell me, what do you think of this?

Ah. That would go great in your kitchen. Do you have a formal dining area?

Do you?

Yeah, I just did mine in blue and white, trimmed in gold.

Looks great, and the chicks love it. Oh.

Tell me, what period is your apartment?

French Provincial. Ah.

It's the artist's contemporary.

Gee, fellas, I kind of hate to break it up.

But Bubba's in a hurry, will you? I'm sorry he's giving me so much help.

Hey. I've really got to go, Oscar.

Really. But I do want to say, you've got a hidden interior decorator here.

All right.

Nice to meet you. Right.

So long, brother.

Nice little guy.

I'm sorry I bust in like that, but I didn't want to do anything without your

approval. I'm glad you like this, because this is what I put up.

What are you so mad about?

You want to know what I'm mad about? Come, listen to my interview for the

Here. What do you think of this?

Ah, that would go great in your kitchen. Do you have a formal dining area?

Do you?

Yeah, I just did mine in blue and white, trimmed in gold.

I've got a nice voice, haven't I?

Can I look at that? No, no, no, no. Down two steps, two steps.

Yes, I feel like I'm being kidnapped.

You know, I hate surprises.

No, but you're going to love this one.

Oscar Madison, you wanted something to sit in.

Here you are.

What is this?

Well, what does it look like?

It looks like Bubba Smith's hand.

I want you to tell me what it is.

It's a chair.

in the shape of a hand, a left hand to be exact.

And this, I suppose, is the right hand.

Aren't they super?

No, I send you out with some chairs, you come back with a couple of hands.

They're just like ordinary chairs to them.

But the hands.

I feel like an M &M.

I can sit anywhere.

I'm ambidextrous.

Oscar, these are going to be the rage of the future. And you can't believe what

I paid for them.

Forty cents?

Stop kidding.

Two hundred dollars.

Two hundred dollars?

Two hundred dollars?

That's twenty dollars a finger.

Are you crazy?

These are thousand dollar hands.

Where's the rest of the stuff?

But look, look at our lovely new drapes. Thank goodness for that. Now all these

people can't look in and see we're sitting in hands.

Oscar, when you decorate an apartment, you're creating a new environment.

You don't just throw everything in. You buy one piece at a time. We'll live with

the chairs a couple of days, then we'll say to a chair, what would you like

around you?

And it'll say gloves.

I don't like them because you don't see what's going to be around. I see nothing

around. Yes, but there's going to be something here. There's going to be

something there. There's going to be something here. Whoa, whoa, over there.

want you to say something about over there.

Nothing. That's the contemporary style.

Nothing here.

Simple, uncluttered space.

You want space?

Move to Utah.

I want clutter and I want it soon.

Listen, when he asks you what you want, you tell him you want a table for you

and your brother and a desk for your Uncle Oscar.

And if you don't get it, there's going to be plenty of empty space where he

to live.

The furniture arrived early this morning.

Oscar doesn't know it's here. Yes, he'll love it. He'll love it. Phoenix!

I'll call you back in a little while, honey.

I had a bad dream.

I dreamt I shot it in the hand and it made a fist.

It's breeding!

Phoenix, what is this? I'm still having a nightmare. Come on, what is this?

This is the stuff you asked for yesterday.

Your new table, your new desk, your new lamp. Isn't it all neat?

Have your orange juice. It's on the breakfast table.

That's a breakfast table? Of course.

Not of course. It was my fourth choice.

Come on. Meet your new roommates.

Oscar, this is your new chair.

This is my chair?

Yes. Got it just for you.

See? It's shaped like a potato chip.

Isn't this an inventive tree?

It's a conversation piece.

Help us shut up.

Look, that's my desk. Just for you.

What am I, David Copperfield?

What is this?

I'm a writer, not a diamond cutter.

I can't work here.

Oscar, learn to accept new ideas. Open your mind. Where is it written that a

desk must be an enormous wooden object with drawers?

Give these things a chance. You'll love them.

I don't have time to argue. I've got to get some work done. What time is it? I'm

glad you asked me that. Let's go take a look at the clock.

That's a clock?

What else?

Could be a bunch of peeping pounds.

What time is it today?

9 .35, of course.

How can you tell? It's easy.

Hours on this side, minutes on this side. One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine.

Ten, twenty, thirty. The red dot is five.

Nine, thirty -five.

Nine, thirty -six.

By the time you figure it out, you're late for work.

Hi, Mr. Allen. Maria.

Post -copy to the interviews?

Yeah. I got some more funny stories. Type up.

What do you think?

Is this what they mean by future shock?

Sit down, sit down. Can I sit next? Of course. Now,

we'll get an objective opinion.

How do you feel?

I sort of feel like I'm insured by Allstate.

Okay, the tour is over.

The owner of this museum has to go to work. Pay for all this. Goodbye.

It's really cute, Mr. Unger.

I got a singing tree and a dancing table.

Oh, that's it. Phoenix!

Phoenix! Out here, please.

What is it? That's it. Come here.

Come on, sit down, Phoenix. What's wrong?

Just sit down. Not there. Sit on the chip.

All right, Phoenix.

Your decorating days are over. I send you off for furniture. What do you come

back with? Two hands, right? A Nobel Prize clock?

A kindergarten chair? A laser beam? A chrome bush?

You gotta understand these things. Give them time.

I've given him time. Three red dots and two white ones.

It's my apartment. We're going to do this my way. See, I'm going to trade all

this stuff in for couches with arms. See, I'm going to have a chair with a

a lamp with a bulb.

The only head in this apartment will be on my clock.

Okay,

Oscar, about three inches towards me.

Ah, now about one inch towards you.

Ah, now just a...

pinched towards me.

Oh, you stop the odds and the pinches.

All right, just the way it is.

Oscar, you've got some lovely pieces here.

Where'd you get them?

From Stan Stan, the discount man.

I know him. I arrested him once.

How about it? Took Phoenix a week to decorate this place. I did it like that.

Looks pretty good, doesn't it? Oh, it's groovy.

Oh, Oscar. What?

You're going to have to rearrange these chairs. I mean, you've got the two

purple together, two green together.

It's not right. You've got to make it boy -girl, boy -girl. Give me a hand.

that chair.

Move that chair over like that.

That's it. Now bring it around here. Here. Put it in there.

There.

sit and see you smile at the same old jokes.

But since you are so far away, I cannot hope to go.

I'll send along this little token just to say hello.

I'm sorry.

What is it, dear?

I just came down to say hi. May I come in?

I can't say hi now.

Why? Is something wrong? I'm developing some film.

I'll come up to your place later and say hi, okay? Okay.

Why don't you let her in?

Because I'm ashamed.

Anywhere I look, something offends my senses.

Oscar, it looks as though you got this whole place free with a full tank of

apartment. It's our apartment.

But you've been throwing your weight around as though I didn't even exist.

All right, you didn't like the way I decorated it, but at least I tried. I

an effort. I cared.

This looks as though you threw it together in an hour.

20 minutes.

20 minutes.

Yep.

Well, Oscar, I'm sure you've heard the expression in your life at some time or

other, the straw that broke the camel's back.

You've tried many ways to get me out of here.

You've tried tricks.

You've tried anger.

You've even tried physical expulsion.

You finally succeeded with the old standby.

Bad taste.

Raxo Rizzo had a cuter apartment.

Love for you.

I'm willing to admit that I went too far. Have you willing to admit that you

went too far?

Maybe I did.

All I can say, Oscar, is you and I have different tastes.

I like caviar. You like tuna. I like champagne.

You like beer.

I like beef bourguignon. You like beef jerky.

The stores are open till nine o 'clock tonight.

Let's compromise. Let's go out and get something we both can live with.

What are we going to do with this stuff?

Sell it to a fortune teller.

This furniture is perfect. We've got to get it in the right position. Come on.

Bring it towards me.

An inch. An inch. An inch. No. A little bit more. A little bit more. A little

bit more on your side. A little bit more on your side. A little bit more. Bring

it down. Bring it down. Down towards me. Oh, wait a minute.

We've been moving the stigma two hours. We're wearing out the rug. Just give it

a little bit more. We're nearly there.

That's it.

Don't hurt yourself.

Here you go, Captain.

Myrna, come on. Roll back a little bit on your side. Come on. Here we go. One,

two, three. Come on. Here we go, Myrna.

Excuse me, old friend. Myrna, what do you think? Here we go. Here we go,

Myrna, will you help me? You get down there and help me, will you? Please?

Myrna, come on. Here we go. One, two.

Come on, Myrna.

Come on.

You know something?