Original subtitles

Now we shall see.

Where's Oscar now?

He said he had to make a phone call.

He makes the phone call after every course.

At least he won't get lost. He leaves a trail of food.

There's the appetizer, there's the salad, there's the soup.

Oscar, it's time to come in and spill your main course.

Felix, please calm down.

The soup could have used more salt.

Why didn't you crunch some potato chips into it? I did.

Are you ready for your main course?

Ready. I'm starving. We've been here for an hour. I have unsalted soup, a

sardine on half a cracker.

Look at Murray. He's ready to gnaw at the table.

Is that true, Murray?

I'm a policeman, Felix. I'm trained to endure.

Endure?

The next time you come over, it'll be cookies and cream soda.

What night?

Me? Now?

First, you've got to taste.

The wine.

What if I stay with the beer? Wine gives me cramps.

Charming, isn't it?

Fine, drink beer. You wouldn't appreciate this anyway.

Your palate committed suicide years ago.

Now... No, no, don't drink it yet. No, not yet. No, first we've got to taste it

the way the wine tasters do.

And we taste for three things.

For the aroma, the taste, and the aftertaste.

Now, first we smell it.

Mmm.

You smell the flour, the fruit. Yes. Now, we take a little in our mouth, but

don't swallow it. We roll it around.

And then we aerate it through our heads and get the fumes. Now, here we go.

Mmm. Mmm.

You look like an elephant in a water horn.

Let it rest on your tongue.

Why don't you let something rest on your tongue like the roof of your mouth,

can't we?

Who ever knows anyone so... Swallow.

Isn't that good? Isn't that a delicious wine?

I must say, the swab looks wonderful. Ah, well, I figured that since Lord

Chesterfield's here, who was dressing for the occasion, I'd go all out.

Will you look at that?

He treats everything as if it's a cheeseburger. Do you have to drown it in

ketchup? I'm not drowning it. I'm saving it.

Exactly what do you mean by that? That means why don't you cook food that

like, like chili con carne and chili hot dogs. Now, as a person, what you're

talking about is altar food. In your life, not anyone can do it.

I'm getting a terrible headache. I'm going to have to go up to my apartment.

no, no, Miriam. Please, please, Miriam. I've got to go. Oh, come on.

I'm not feeling too good. Oh, come on. Neither one of you even touched the

Will you come for dinner next Friday?

I may have made other plans.

Yeah, me too.

I've got to take the dog in for shots.

You see what you did?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Thank you.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I drove them away. I love that.

Yeah, you. You and your compulsive behavior drive everybody crazy.

Listen to the pot calling the kettle compulsive.

Okay. That's it. I'll see you later.

What? What? What? Since you've driven everybody away, the least you can do is

help me clean up. I'll do anything to keep your mouth shut. What do you want

to do?

You clear the table. I'll get the vacuum cleaner.

like when you eat.

I don't want to watch myself eat. I have to watch you eat. Last night Miriam had

to watch you eat. Murray had to watch you eat. I just want you to see how

ridiculous you look in the morning.

I got chilly in the middle of the night.

Come in.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Mr. Unger. Come in. Have some coffee.

Thanks.

You dressed for an outdoor pajama party?

You got the articles?

Yeah. Then sit, sip, and shut up.

What for? I want to kill a taste of this toast.

What's the matter with the toast?

It's too light. I like it dark.

No, it's not. It's the right color.

Dark toast makes too many crumbs.

And why do you cut the edges off? That's my favorite part.

What do you want the edges for?

To keep the jam from falling off.

I like it.

Nothing the matter with this toast?

This is a good toast.

Oh, I want you to look at yourself. I want you to look. I want you to look at

yourself. You look like a bunny rabbit.

You have to make that awful noise when you swallow.

What noise?

It's disgusting. It sounds like a thing backing up.

I've always swallowed like that. And I've always hated it.

Oh, do you have to click your fork on your teeth? It's like eating with Jose

Greco.

Oh, look at the way he wipes his mouth just the corners.

No,

I'm not trying to. Yeah, well, you do get him. It's like a scrambled egg or

something right there.

I'd rather live with a goat.

Nobody was.

Stopping you!

If you'll excuse me, I'm getting a headache from all this polite chatter.

see you later at the office. Headache so early in the morning? I get headaches

all the time.

Because you spend the night before trying to out -drink all of Manhattan,

Bronx, and Staten Island, too.

Don't sing, please!

Don't sing!

Did what?

We just drove Myrna out of here.

I'll survive.

Oscar, at this rate, we're going to wind up all alone.

Two wretched old men forgotten by the world with no friends huddled in this

in our shawls.

Mine clean, yours filthy.

Nobody will know we're here.

Terrific.

kill you, nobody will find the bug.

What's the matter? You really look depressed.

I'm tired. I was up most of the night.

On account of a female?

I should have been so lucky.

On account of a Felix. Again, four o 'clock in the morning with the vacuum

cleaner.

It's like living with a gigantic mosquito.

Don't hit or yell.

All right, Phoenix, what is it? Make it snappy. I don't have time to hide your

corpse before Myrna gets back.

Well, I thought we could have a little bit of a spruce and something of a

lunch. Lunch with you is no picnic.

That's the way you feel, buddy. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Besides, I'm hungry.

But no lectures on sloppiness, okay? All right, no lectures. Listen, I had the

most fantastic day today. Guess what I did? I bought a book. That new

on psychiatry, Finding Your Marbles.

Fighting your mob? Yes. It's by the author of I'm Okay, You're Not.

What's it about?

It's about that.

It's about mayonnaise?

No, about gestures. Now, this may sound bizarre to you, but that gesture

indicates a desire to get rid of something.

How about this gesture?

You're going to start all over again, Felix? I thought you'd be interested.

No, I'm not.

Now, that's very interesting. Again, I'm interested. Very good. What do I do

now? Tell me.

Have you always thrown your food?

Now, what kind of a schoolboy question is that? Significant question.

Most people who throw their food do so from the subconscious fear that if they

don't, later they may sit on it.

Chapter 5.

Come along. Come here, come here, come here.

What do you see?

Dried mustard.

No, no, no, no. But what do you see?

You see, a great deal of one's personality can be told by the

finds in indiscriminate shapes.

Now, what do you see there?

Are you trying to trick me? No, no, no.

We don't make judgments.

This is just a simple exercise. I'm curious. Tell me now. Use your

No judgments.

It looks like a duck.

Oscar, you're a deeply disturbed man.

No judgments.

Cut the charades. You're a lousy analyst. I'm just trying to wake you up

fact that you need help. I'll wake up, and you guarantee that when I do, you

won't be there.

Yes, and then we'll still have the same old problem, Palomar.

Let's face it. We couldn't live with our wives. We can't live together.

What do you want from me? Let's try group therapy.

Group therapy?

Who needs group therapy? I love my mother. You do. No.

You'll stay home, and you'll stew in your psychosis, and you'll watch your

ferment. By the way, I need a lot of loonies to tell me somebody's great.

Come to think of it, Felix, that's a very intriguing idea. I want to see if

good at it. We'll play.

Can you figure this out? All right? I want you to figure it out. I'm going to

set something up. I want you to figure it out. You wait out here, because I

to set up. All right? You wait. Okay? All right. Now, I want you to figure

out.

Okay.

Now, what did I do?

Sit down.

Thank you. Thank you.

Myrna told me about you.

She did?

What did she tell you?

That you were coming to the session tonight.

Oh.

I'm a little early.

That's a healthy sign, isn't it?

Being early?

I don't know.

Tell me, what do you do?

Nothing unusual.

I'm a commercial photographer, portrait's a specialty.

I take pictures.

Nothing dirty.

Doctor, I... I feel that I can be completely open with you. I hope so.

I'm not here about myself.

It's about a friend of mine.

His name is Oscar Madison.

Excuse me.

Dr. Abel, I'm Oscar Mattis.

Oscar!

Felix! I thought you weren't coming.

Oh, well, I got cured. I found I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd drop in.

My attorney's my secretary. She said you wouldn't mind.

I guess not.

But since this is your first meeting with the group, I'd rather you didn't

participate.

Just observe.

I'll be right back.

You changed your mind, huh? No, I didn't change my mind. Sit on the arm of the

chair.

I still think it's ridiculous.

Well, I'm glad you came. I'm proud of you. Well, don't be. I'm just going to

in the sidelines and not get involved, and I'm going to watch what happens.

Don't eat the doctor's candy.

Ever since I was 16, I've had this problem.

Men seem to want me only for my body.

Animal. Animal.

I have a terrible time. I mean, I can't hide what I look like, but that's all

that men seem to see.

Yes. And then when they stare at me that way, my eye begins to twitch.

Of course, I can understand that.

I don't want to be just another pretty face.

I do.

Look at that. Look at that.

Did you ever see anybody so inconsiderate in a room full of people

permission he lights a cigar?

Now watch out. Here comes the honey.

dream that I had this morning. It was really a wonderful dream.

I dreamed that I was standing naked before the 409th Field Artillery

And they were only interested in my mind. They wanted to talk to me.

Well, I felt I was making progress.

Good. Yes, but you're completely ignoring the meaning of the dream, my

child. How can you overlook what the artillery stands for? That's impossible.

Mr. Unger, you're interrupting.

I can see you doing it. You set yourself up as an authority. I don't see myself

as an authority, but this girl came here for help, right?

Yeah, but not from you, from the doctor. All right, but anybody can see what her

problem is. Anybody? Okay, stop it.

Stop it.

That's enough interpersonal encounter, Mr. Unger, Mr. Madison.

Look what you're doing to the group.

Marie, thy is twitching.

Harold's eating a candy bar.

Myrna's... Twirling her hair again.

Please, wait in the other room. But what'll I do?

Just wait in the other room until the session is over. Then I'll talk with

He did it again.

The ultimate humiliation.

Kicked out of group therapy.

Good night, Myrna.

Good night.

I owe you one.

Mr. Unger, Mr. Madison, would you step in here, please?

I'm sorry I had to do that, but you were a disrupting influence to the group.

Doctor, what are we going to do?

Well, I have a suggestion if you're interested.

Yes, yes. Not me. Oh, come on. Maybe you'll learn something.

Well, we sometimes do a thing called role reversal in group therapy.

Role reversal.

Yes, yes. That's in chapter seven.

Oh, you read that book, too.

Yes. Yes.

Well, as I see it, neither one of you recognize your responsibility in this

conflict. You blame each other. You got it.

Thank you.

Using role reversal, you being him, him being you, often helps.

Well, wipe them again. You're not coming into this clean apartment with city

soot on your shoes.

What's got into you?

Oscar! If you want to talk to me, call me by my rightful name. I'm Felix.

Well, Felix was never so stupid as to put on a tuxedo to do housework. I'm

Felix, and you're late, and our guests will be here any minute. All right, if

you want role reversal, I'll give you role reversal.

miserable day, buddy, so don't bug me. Just put the chow on the table.

Wash your hands.

You want me to wash my hands? I'll wash them.

He's going to wash in the kitchen sink. What do you want me to do in the kitchen

sink? Don't you dare.

Where are the towels?

In the drawer with the doilies. Never mind.

How did I do such a thing? In the last two yards.

Well, at least we're going to have a wonderful dinner.

If my fondue doesn't curdle. You gotta keep beating it.

It's my fondue and you're Oscar.

Then put some ketchup in it.

Something smells good.

I'm baking a strawberry fudge cake.

So don't stomp too hard.

Oscar!

Oscar! Oscar!

Who's coming for dinner? Your opera group to listen to a bunch of screaming

Italians? No.

Oh, Miriam and Murray, they're our objective observers.

Murray, bring your nose in here. You're breathing up all the air in the hall.

You're right, they're really doing it.

Gee, Felix, I've never seen you look so rocky.

You make a perfect Oscar.

Oh, just like I asked. Just like I asked. Did I ask you to come five

late? How am I to throw a successful party if my guests come late? I work my

fingers to the bone. No one appreciates it at all. Stop muttering and put the

chow on the table.

I'm running this party and there'll be no enjoyment.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Miriam, I want you to sit there. Murray, you'll sit there.

No, and you'll... Who cares where they sit?

I don't care where I sit as long as I sit in front of food.

I open the wine, and it's been breathing for eight minutes.

Now, if we don't drink it in the next 43 seconds, it is going to go flat.

Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles.

Murray!

Murray, no dunking.

Sip it slowly.

I want some beer.

Did you like the wine?

Did you absolutely love it?

Were you thrilled by it? Remember, you're dealing with a compulsive nut who

could crack it anyway.

Now that's why I... All over my room!

Oh, but I vacuum so hard. It's four o 'clock in the morning, even when people

are watching television.

The air is too fresh in here. I need a cheap cigar.

You're trying to tell me you don't like my cigar? Just speak up. I don't like

your cigar.

Is that your wine? Yes.

In one, I don't believe. I'm not gonna ruin good beer. Did you see what day

going to ruin my party? I can't stand it. My son is... Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Now that's no bitch.

That's not fair, making fun of a man's afflictions. Oh, what about me? You

exaggerate. I don't spill beer all over me. Of course you do. You're saying

everything. That is a lie. Look at that. Look at that. What do I say?

Columbus Day two years ago. Prove it.

Prove it. You can say anything. There's one thing that's only personal and

there's another thing that's just... Well, you know that I'll...

Wait, please. I'm getting another headache.

You're giving her a headache. You're the one who gave her a headache. You're the

one who's been carrying on... Stop it. Neither one of you gave me a headache.

You both did. We both did.

That's right.

It isn't the smoking or the spraying or any of the things you do.

It's the fighting and the constant arguing. We can't stand. Isn't that

Murray?

Get off.

Well, Phyllis, I think maybe she's right.

Look, if we...

Try hard, real hard not to fight. Yeah. Won't you stay, please?

He cooked for three hours. We won't fight. I swear we won't. We'll really

We'll make up. Yeah.

We'll dip the fork of friendship in Oscar's fondue. Yeah.

Okay. You realize this is the first time in three years I've lived here. Oh, I

got the recipe out of the Hobo News. You're going to love it. Oh, it really

does. Oh,

it's sensational.

Really sensational.

You know, it behooves us to ask ourselves, what did we learn from this

experience? And I learned something. I learned how I seem to you.

Think of that.

You really had me down right. That was great.

One thing, though.

I think I sing a little bit better than you.