Original subtitles

Are you ready to order yet?

Uh, no, I'm still waiting for my friend.

Uh, excuse me. Do you mind if I borrow part of your paper?

You can have it all. I'm finished with it. Thank you.

New York is an unfriendly place.

On November 13th, Felix Ungar was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier Madison's wife had thrown him out requesting that he never

returned Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

Lady.

Lady. Are you all right, lady?

Hey, miss. Lady.

Hey, waitress. Waitress, can you help me here, please?

I'm sorry. This is not my table.

Lady, please, will you?

I'll set her up, and I'll loosen her clothing, and I'll get arrested.

Lady, please.

Are you all right?

What happened? What happened? You fainted. You sick or something?

No, I don't think so. Hey, are you, uh, you know?

I don't know.

You don't know if you're boom, boom, boom like that? No, I mean, I don't

I'm boom, boom, boom, booming.

Are you pregnant?

No. Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know what came over me.

Oh. Take it easy. Now just relax, will you? No, no, I'm all right, really. I

guess I was just a little hungry.

I know what you mean. The service around here is lousy.

Hey, what about the ladies over here?

I didn't expect you to show up. The lady's starving. What's the matter with

people?

Look, I'd better leave before they kick my ass. I'm telling you, I didn't expect

you to show up.

I've been eating your crackers.

They're free.

Five baskets of them?

When's the last time you had any real food?

Let's see, today's Thursday.

Don't say another word. I'll take care of it. Wait, I want to order some food.

No, I'm not sitting at your table.

Ready to order?

Now I'm sitting at a table.

Yeah, I'd like a plate of spaghetti for... What did you say your name was?

Lisa. Lisa. I want another plate of spaghetti and mashed potatoes with

And fast.

Right.

But you shouldn't come to New York without any money.

Oh, I brought money, but somebody stole it right out of my purse.

Where are you staying?

Well, the last three nights I've been sleeping on the subway.

On the subway?

I slept on the subway once. They woke me up in time for the strike.

must have some story to tell.

Listen, you're coming home with me.

Oh, no, I couldn't. Oh, wait a minute. I don't have any funny ideas. I'm just

off into my roommate's room, that's all.

Does he have any funny ideas?

Plenty, but he's away for a couple of days.

Where's your luggage?

Right here.

That's it?

I checked it.

At Harry's Pawn Shop?

While we're there, I'll visit my watch.

Go ahead, storm it up.

Am I sore?

You got any bread over there?

But Felix is out of town. I let things slip a little, you know. Oh, no, I think

it looks fine. Thank you.

Are you a professional athlete?

Me? Are you kidding?

Well, you look like you could be one.

Oh, thanks. No, I just write about sports.

Oh, I love sports. Do I? Yes, I'm always reading the sports section. That's

great. Yeah.

Um, is your roommate in sports, too?

Felix? Sports to him is the Betty Crocker bake -off.

Very good photographer. He's in Chicago on an assignment.

Oh, a photographer and a sports writer.

Wow, you both must lead very interesting lives.

We just do our job.

Oh, listen, Phoenix's room is down the hall.

If you need anything, just let me know. I'll be right there.

Oh, I couldn't possibly ask you for anything else.

You've been wonderful.

Well, I was... You make me feel so safe.

Safe.

Okay, you're safe here, Lisa. Safe, Lisa. Good night. Good night, Lisa.

Good old safe ask Which one is Felix's room the one with a little rug in front

of it to wipe your feet on

Thank you.

Whoa.

Any other evening, I'd enjoy a little joke.

You know me and my sense of humor, but tonight I'm very, very tired.

What are you talking about?

Would you be kind enough to explain to me who you rented my room to?

Oh, oh, her name is Lisa.

Thank you.

It's nice to know the people you're sleeping with.

Wait a minute, Lisa, know what you think.

Never mind that. Who is this?

Lisa? Well, she's a poor kid. She's got no job. She's got no place to go. If she

hadn't met me tonight, she'd be... You met her tonight?

Yeah. You gave my clean bed to a perfect stranger?

Where am I supposed to sleep? On the sofa?

No. It was my fault.

I'll sleep on a sofa. You sleep here. Bite your tongue.

my pajamas.

Don't you take anything for that? I take everything for it, including what I'm

making now.

Oh, I've got a remedy I bet you've never taken. You want to bet?

Oh, my, what a well -stocked kitchen you have. What are you doing? What are you

doing? Oh, now, you just perhaps I'll have this whipped up in a minute. It'll

cure your sinuses.

I'm touched by your concern, my dear, but my condition is so extreme I'm

my sinuses to science.

Why don't you go back to bed? I'll sleep on the sofa.

Well, you can certainly sleep in your own bed.

No, you started it, you finish it.

You're wonderful.

You can make jokes in the face of adversity.

New York has made me tough.

It smells good.

Oh, and it tastes even better.

Now, you just let it come to a simmer, then drink it down as hot as you can

stand it, okay?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to freshen up before I leave. You're

in the middle of the night? No, no, come on, you'll stay.

Only if you let me sleep on the couch. All right.

Oh, I think that's ready.

Really?

Huh? says that you just got here. You don't have a job or anything.

Now just drink that down as fast as you can.

It's good.

That's very good. That really gets up in there, doesn't it?

It opens them up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I can feel them draining now.

Smells better than usual.

Lisa, I told you if Phoenix, he always missed me. Breakfast is almost ready.

How did you sleep last night?

Felt like I slept in a Holland tunnel.

I made a lot of cars. Hong Kong.

Listen, I appreciate that, but you don't have to do that.

Oh, please. It's the least I can do.

Why don't you just go sit down and I'll be right out.

Okay.

What's that?

That's Phoenix trying to clear his ears.

Once a moose showed up at the door.

You made it, huh? Good. Don't go in the kitchen. Why not?

You made a mess of my... I told you, 5 ,000 times... Something smells very good

in there. What? Leif.

Leif did what?

She's fixing breakfast.

Come on. In my kitchen she's fixing our breakfast? And she's doing very well.

Well, that's some recommendation from Mr. Ketchup on everything.

It's like eating on a battlefield.

For you.

How did you know my favorite scrambled eggs mashed potatoes with gravy?

And for you, Felix, egg benedict. I love egg benedict.

Oh, I forgot the juice.

You want some? Any left?

She's some doll.

Now you bet I brought her home, right? And freshly squeezed.

orange juice. Oh, how sweet.

And no pit.

I hope you like the extra touch. I put champagne in it. Oh, bless you, my

And for you.

Hey, tomato juice.

I hope you like the extra touch. I put beer in it.

Oh, bless you, my child.

And now, if you'll both excuse me, I'm going to make your beds.

To the most perfect we've ever met.

I really came home to talk to you. Yeah, I just had lunch with Felix, and, well,

you know, he told me he thinks you like him.

Well, I do like him.

Yeah, but I don't mean he thinks you like him. I mean he thinks you like him.

Oh. Now, I don't know why you got that idea. I mean, you two don't seem to have

that much in common, except you both don't like piss.

You and I have a lot in common, right? You love football.

Yeah. Hey, there's a great game tonight. The Jets and the Rams. Is that a great

game? Yeah.

Have you ever wanted to see a game from the press box?

Sure. You're going to love it.

You know, I don't have to cover the game. We could watch it like real

That's great. I have to go to the office.

Listen, it'd be kind of embarrassing, see, to walk out with you in front of

Felix. So why don't you meet me at Shea Stadium, 8 o 'clock at the press center.

It's okay here.

Here's 10 bucks for caffeine, okay?

Buckle down, we're in something. Buckle down.

Oh! Beautiful!

What are you sorry about?

Oh, well, I didn't get permission to use your record. I'm assuming it is your

record. Of course it's my record.

Oscar has only one record. Gus Lesnovich sings lightweight hits.

That and Buckle Down, Wind Suck.

I didn't know you were interested in ballet.

Oh, it's been a burning passion of my life.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Beautiful. I always wanted to be a ballet dancer.

It's marvelous.

Oh, that's very good. Really? Yeah.

Oh, yes, I wanted to go to the Imperial School of Ballet, but...

My parents made me go to Millard P. Fillmore High School.

This is very interesting. Did you know that Millard P. Fillmore knew less about

ballet than any other American president, excepting, of course,

Hayes? Felix, it is amazing how any one man can know so much about American

history and the ballet.

Not so amazing when that man happens to have an IQ of 186.

186? Did I let that slip out the window?

That's interesting. That is so boastful. No, no.

Oh, oh, that is just...

If I could do that... Well, you can.

I'll give you a lesson. Really?

Sure. Take your shoes off. I don't know. Oh, come on, Felix. I don't know how

much I can do. Come on.

I hurt my back in the war.

Rubbing a mess hole.

Now, stop. Watch me first, all right?

Back.

Back.

Lisa. Yes, Felix?

Would you do me the honor of accompanying me this evening?

This evening? Yes. Oh, I have the most marvelous idea.

There's an opening tonight at the Galerie Francaise.

You'd love it. Oh, you'd absolutely love it. Listen, I had lunch with Oscar

today, and he's such a wonderful, dear guy. I love him like a brother, but he's

so gullible.

He's deluded himself that you have a crush on him.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

And after all, all that we have in common, we both like ballet. We punk

together.

I wouldn't want to hurt Oscar. I wouldn't want him to see us going out

It really would have had him. I'll give you $10. You take a cab, and you'll meet

me tonight at 8 o 'clock at the Galerie Francaise. Oh, we'll have the most

marvelous time!

Just me and the spectacles in our home!

What does that mean? That means Oscar Madison eats your heart out.

You got a date, buddy. Me too, my bucko.

Got a date with an angel.

I'm on my way to heaven.

Hey, where are you going? You look pretty sharp yourself.

I'm going to an opening at the Galerie Francaise.

Hey, didn't I eat there once? I wouldn't be surprised. It's an art gallery.

Where are you going? I'm going to the football game.

Fabian is singing the Star Spangled Banner. You're joking!

Felix, will you come?

Yeah.

What?

You can?

Oh.

Okay.

Bye -bye.

What's the matter?

Who's that?

Lisa.

Lisa's got a sore throat. She'll be at the doctor's for a couple of hours.

You're dating Lisa?

There's something very peculiar here.

What's that girl doing?

I don't know what she's doing, but she's not doing it with us.

I don't understand it. There's nothing missing from my room.

Nothing missing here either. How can you tell?

At least we know she's not a thief, so... So why am I so upset?

Because she stood us up. That's why I'm upset. No, we've been stood up before.

It's because we feel she's been using us the last couple of days.

That sweet girl.

Yeah, but we hardly know her. Do you realize we don't know her last name?

Of course. It's Lisa... Lisa... Is that her purse?

What are you going to do? Oh, don't. No, no, no. Don't let me see it. Don't

upset anything so she won't know. Don't you feel trashy?

Here it is. Benson.

That's her name. Lisa Benson.

This one says Phyllis Franklin.

This one says Phyllis Karp.

This one says Estrelitas Gonzalez.

This one says she's Phyllis Unger.

I lent her my library card.

Oh, I didn't think you'd still be awake.

Yeah, well, we're not tired, see? We didn't have a date tonight.

Yes, we've spent the evening touring through your purse, Miss Benson Franklin

Estrelita Gonzalez Williams.

Yeah, don't ever wear an I .D. bracelet. It'll break your wrist.

I rarely carry my purse with me.

There's never much in it.

What happened to the $20 you got from us this evening? You spend it on this

stuff? What, did you buy a book of new names?

No, I bought each of you a present.

Oscar, I bought you a football, because yours has ketchup all over it.

Felix, I bought you an album.

Great moments from great ballets.

Just because you broke our date, you didn't have to get me a present.

Yeah, all you had to say was, no, I don't want to go out, that's it.

No, I couldn't do that, because...

Well, I like you both.

And that's why I have to leave.

Why? Where are you going?

Oh, I don't know. I'll find a place.

Where? Staten Island Ferry this time?

Lisa, who are you, really?

The Lone Ranger.

What are we going to do, Kimo Sabe?

Lisa, stop it.

Lisa. No, Lisa. No, no, no. You're not leaving. You're not leaving. You can't

say friends and then just bloop leave.

I'm afraid that's the way I am.

That's you, Blue?

Look, Felix, you're you.

Oscar, you're you.

Lisa, I'm me.

And that's the way I am.

I have no roots.

I have no plans.

I just, uh, I live from moment to moment.

And this week, my moments were spent with Felix Unger and Oscar Madison.

How can a young girl live like that, Lisa?

By not getting too involved with anybody.

You don't have any parents, no husband, no family? No.

I just go out and meet new people. I enjoy meeting them, and most of them

to enjoy meeting me.

Then I meet them by feigning on their shoulders?

Most people just say hello.

No, Oscar, that happened to be the way that I met you.

Lisa, I think I understand what you're trying to say, but don't you want to be

anything?

Just happy.

And I am.

Oh.

There are the keys.

Keep the keys, Lisa.

No, I don't like attachments.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Oscar.

Goodbye, Miss Gonzalez.

It was nice meeting both of you.

I owe silver.

Away.

There goes a rare spirit.

A butterfly that paused for a moment on the flower of our lives and then...

A sprite who brought an interlude of happiness

and strangely changed everything.

Please don't do that. She didn't change you.

BLT, mayonnaise on all four sides, one diet special.

We're out of cottage cheese, so I gave you french fries.

Why would you want to come to a place like this? It's quick, it's convenient,

it's filthy.

You know, this is where I met Lisa. She was sitting in this chair at this table

when she painted on it. What a crazy way to meet me.

And you expect to recapture that magic?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could?

I borrow your paper.