Original subtitles

Is Oscar home yet? Do you see anything on the floor?

Is that what I think it is? Yes, I got exactly what you wanted.

We've got to hide it before Oscar gets home. He had a smoking jacket.

A bathrobe with cigar butts in the pocket is not a smoking jacket.

Why don't we hide it in the closet?

That's what I did last year. It was the one day of the year he chose to hang up

his coat.

He'd never find it in his room.

Neither would we.

What are you doing?

Do you know what the odds are against his hanging up his coat two years in a

row? Why don't you just hand it to him directly?

I mean, happy birthday, Oscar. But that would cut out the element of surprise.

That's what makes it all worthwhile.

We can't give him a surprise party without a surprise.

Now, what we need is a theme.

A surprise and a theme.

That's the way you build great moments in birthdays.

Great moments for who?

Hey!

Oscar, how come you're home so early?

They shortened the hallway.

What are you doing? I'll hang it up for you.

I hope

it's

not a smoking jacket.

There's only one thing I hate worse than a smoking jacket. What's that?

The surprise birthday party.

With a theme.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove

himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier Madison's wife had thrown him out requesting that he never

returned Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Felix, I'm warning you. Try to throw a surprise party for me, I'm going to

a surprise funeral for you.

Here it comes.

Look at this.

Mr. Martyr.

Now he's hurt.

If Felix gave a surprise party for me, I'd be tickled to death.

Good, you can have my birthday.

Every party he throws for me is embarrassing.

He never surprises me. I'm always ahead of him.

And when I try to have surprise, he says I'm not convincing.

Well, you're never effervescent or bubbly enough.

You want effervescence and bubbly? Throw a surprise party for a bottle of

seltzer.

Does that mean you don't want a party?

Miriam, you tell him whether you can do it without hitting. No party!

Thanks.

Well, that's that.

Now he'll be totally surprised.

Now we must come up with a theme that will make this an unforgettable party.

can't be serious. You just heard him. I heard him. I heard him. I hear him every

year. Last year, I even complied with his wishes. I didn't give him a party.

he happy? He said he was. He went out. He stayed out all night. He said he had

ball. Maybe he did.

I know better.

I know the Madison month.

Deep within, there's a small, pathetic voice saying, surprise me. Throw me a

party feeling. You know how.

Get the jacket.

What, you want to take it back?

No, I want to get a pair of pants to match.

Okay, let's start something, Murray.

Yeah.

They're all empty.

How does he drink them like this?

Hey, Felix.

What am I looking for? I don't know.

Do I know?

No, Murray, neither of us knows.

We're looking for something that will give us the theme for the surprise

Isn't this nice?

Petrified tuna.

James K. Polk High School.

This is it.

Oscar's high school yearbook. This will give us the theme for the party.

We're all here to plan a surprise party for Oscar, and where's Myrna?

Are you sure you told her my apartment and not yours? Of course I told her.

Myrna, Myrna, you're late. Hi, David. Hi, Miriam. Hello. Hi, Murray.

Hi, Myrna. Hi, new person without a wedding ring.

Myrna, this is Monroe. Monroe is the superstar.

Myrna Turner, Monroe Hernandez.

Now that the social amenities are out of the way, can we start the meeting?

Eeny, meeny, miny, oatmeal.

I think I'll have an oatmeal.

Excellent decision, Murray.

Now, Myrna, Miriam, Murray, Monroe, myself.

I think I've come up with a great theme for Oscar's party, and if I say so

myself, it's a theme.

But I can't tell you about it till the night of the party.

Now, you all must help me with this plan.

How do we help you with the plan if we don't know the plan?

You'll see.

You'll each have a job to do.

Each of you must find out something about Oscar's life, but nobody tells

else what he's found out, or else we self -destruct.

Myrna, your job is to find out everything you can about Oscar's

birth to age 10.

All right. I'll just look for his teddy bear with ketchup stains.

Monroe, you're from 21 to 30. Find out everything you can.

Well, what do I do? Just go up and ask him?

You talk to him. You're subtle. You use your ingenuity. I don't have to go into

his room, do I?

Whatever. Murray, you find out everything you can from 11 to 20.

I got the puberty section.

There's the boxing story.

Hovey weight.

Muddle Hovey weight.

I create uterine.

You haven't done it yet.

Wait a minute, will you? I'm trying to finish another story.

Do you want to write a story or get paid?

All right, let's hurry up. Come on, I want a beer.

Okay, first, your place of birth. Our Lady of the Angels Hospital,

What's the attendant and physician's name?

Dr. Max Greenbaum.

Was it a normal birth?

No, I was spawned upstream.

between ages one and ten?

The summer of eight. I'm serious.

Who was your best friend at that time? Chubby London. He was... Wait a minute.

What's that got to do with the payroll?

Must be a credit check.

I gave Chubby back his marbles. Now what's going on here? Let me see the

Nothing's going on here, Mr. Madison. What are you so suspicious about?

Everyone your age is always so suspicious.

after I sludge.

I hate suspicious people.

Hey, Oscar.

Did you know I've been studying to become a detective?

No, I didn't. How's it going?

Well, last week I flunked disguises.

I don't understand it.

This week, we're taking interrogation lessons.

Hey, could I practice on you?

Sure, make me talk.

Okay.

All right, Madison, sit down.

Where were you on the night, June 14th, 1942?

1942? You heard me! I want it straight. I want the truth. I'm not into your

lying stories. Now, where were you?

I don't remember.

Oh, that's better.

Now, who was your best friend in high school?

Chubby Lentus.

Wait a minute.

Why is everybody asking me about my childhood? I don't know.

Sit down, Murray.

Please, sit down. Come on, sit down.

Now, Murray, I want you to tell me what... Felix made me do it. I didn't

do it.

Tough nut to crack, man.

There he is, Mr.

Sportswriter. Look at him. Ready to go get him, aren't you?

Feeling like a million... Ah, shut up.

You don't mean that.

I know you. You don't mean that. What?

A sudden hostility. What is it? Not sudden. It's been building up for years.

I know about your so -called surprise party and the secret meeting of the

Macaroon Society.

I'm warning you for the last time, Felix. Drop the whole thing.

I don't know what you're talking about. This is all in your fevered imagination.

I told you there was no surprise party. Like you told me you were only moving in

for a couple of weeks 50 years ago.

Oscar, if you don't want me to stay here, just tell me. I tell you every

the door's open.

Well, Miriam, my former friend.

Come down to reminisce?

No, no, I've got to talk to you, Felix. Really? Feeling a little guilty?

No, I just think you should know that Murray spilled the beans.

Oh, it was Murray who cracked.

Yes, and Oscar offered Monroe five dollars to tell him your party plan.

Well, he's barking up the wrong tree there. I can trust Monroe. He has

character. Enough to turn down a bribe offer.

Monroe wants to know how much you're willing to offer him not to tell.

What about Myrna? She was supposed to call me. Oh, she called me. She got a

things and then lost her notes.

She turned them into the payroll department.

It's hard to get goodbyes.

Oh, I just feel awful for you. Well, how do you think I feel? All I want to do

is show Oscar a good time. I know. Hiya, Miriam. Wear my clean socks.

You buy them, do you?

Hello?

Yes. Yes.

Just a minute, please. Hold on. It's for you, long distance.

Paris is calling.

Kim. Hello?

Hey, it's good to hear your voice. How are you, ma?

It's your mommy?

Yeah, it's my mommy. How are you? Hello from America.

Yes, Daddy, that was Felix.

Skinny Felix, yeah.

What? What hotel is she staying at? What hotel are you at? She heard you in the

plaza. How's your world tour, Ma?

How long are you going to be in Paris?

No.

Why are you laughing?

I found my spy.

The French connection.

Hello? Yes, Mrs. Madison, this is Felix Unger. Thanks for...

No, I'm waiting here for Oscar's mother to call me back from Paris.

Yeah, she was out. I left a message.

Well, it's nine o 'clock here. It's three o 'clock over there. What's the

difference? Yeah, well, I've got to keep the phone free. Yeah.

I'll call you back as soon as I know anything. Right, right, right.

Oscar.

Oscar.

Oscar.

Your memory for names is astounding.

You had a date with Crazy Rhoda with the overbite. You're back so early. I did.

She had to go to the dentist.

The dentist at 9 o 'clock at night? She broke a tooth opening a bottle of beer.

Crazy Rhoda.

You're back so early.

It's not that early. It's 9 o 'clock.

Yeah, you're right.

That's not early at all, is it? It's late.

Oh, boy.

I didn't realize I was so bushed.

I guess I'll turn in. You look bushed, too. You got to turn in. No, I'm not

tired. Well, you're just yawning.

I'm yawning because you were yawning. I was yawning because you looked so tired.

Why did you go to bed?

Because it's too early.

Why is the pillow ringing? It doesn't.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's a wrong number. How do you know it's a wrong number? Some silly woman's

been calling all day.

You can cut the act, Felix. I know exactly what you're doing.

You do? Yeah, you're expecting a call from a girl you didn't want me to know.

You're afraid I'll tell Miriam or Gloria, right?

I can't fool you.

You don't have to worry about me, buddy.

I'll just go in my bedroom. You won't hear a peep out of me, huh?

You little devil.

Don't worry, I'll read a book. At least one of us will get lucky tonight, huh?

help myself.

Felix Unger, fate is on your side.

Go get it, you tiger!

Right on.

Yes, yes, come on.

Hello, Mrs. Madison. Thanks very much for calling me back. Listen, I'm

a surprise party for your son.

Yes, Oscar.

And I want a few quick questions.

Who was his childhood sweetheart?

Who was his best friend? Who was his idol?

Well, besides you.

No surprises, and that's the way I was going to stay. You bet. This is your

birthday, huh?

Did that girl call you back?

I do not think it was. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we made some very interesting plans.

We'll be able to see a lot more of each other now that her massage parlor is

closed.

Look at it.

Look at that birthday boy. Look at that picture. You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to make a portrait of you at my studio for your birthday.

Sure, then everybody will jump out of nooks and crannies and say, surprise,

surprise. Forget it, Felix. No. I'm celebrating my birthday watching

in the outlaw. I'm going to drink some beer. No, you don't mean it. You don't

mean it.

Do you mind?

Oh.

Oh, Oscar. Oh.

Oh. Something hurts.

I mean, my medicine.

My medicine's at the studio. You better help me. Get out of the way, will you?

It's my birthday. I'm going to do what I want to do.

You know something?

You're a selfish man.

What are you talking about?

Never mind. You're not in power.

You're right.

Selfish, selfish.

Phoenix, will you cut it out? I don't like people that talk to themselves when

I'm in the room. Now, what is it?

You're a selfish man.

This party isn't for you.

It's for everybody waiting there at the studio for you to arrive so they can

jump up and yell happy birthday and their little hearts will beat a little

faster and there'll be some excitement in their humdrum lives. That's the

That's who the party's for, your friends.

I don't know something, Phoenix. For once in your life, you're right.

That's the best argument I ever heard for doing something I hate. You're

I'll go to the studio. Come on, come on. You know what? I'm going to do some of

the best surprise acting you ever saw. Show me, show me. Oh, what a surprise!

Try humble.

Oh, I don't deserve it.

No, no, no. I think bubbly is better.

I don't know why we have to come down to your studio.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise! Surprise!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Surprise!

That's Oscar Madison, my friend, my very, very...

born in Toledo on a warm sunny day. My brother was born in Toledo. I was born

Philadelphia. And your family shortly moved to Philadelphia where you were

on a warm sunny day.

And now, remember this voice?

Hey, get me out of this dark room.

Get me out of here.

A voice out of your past, Oscar Madison.

Remember Salty's Soda Parlor? Oh, I sure do. You guessed it. After all these

years, we've brought him here to...

Unfortunately, he was stacked up over Kennedy Airport for three hours. But

he is in the flesh, Arthur O 'Reilly!

What do we have on that plane?

Around and around and they had another... Arthur Madison!

Oh!

I see you had your nose fixed.

Who is this?

Is this Salty? Salty couldn't make it tonight, but we did manage to get

This is the man who used to fix the jukebox in that very self -same soda

I don't remember.

I don't remember you.

You're both so overcome, you can't remember each other. Come sit down, Mr.

'Reilly.

It's an embarrassment.

Yes, Oscar Madison, you've gathered a friend from the past. Do you remember

first childhood sweetheart?

You promised each other that when you grew up, You'd get married.

Judy Skelton is here. Judy Skelton in the flesh. Yay!

Judy Skelton, Mr.

Birthday Boy.

Hey, Judy, you lost weight.

And I've got tickets for the two of you to go ice skating all week at

Rockefeller Plaza.

And now we come to the piece de resistance.

Last but not least, Oscar Madison, remember this sound?

No.

No. Here it is, Oscar Madison, the deep, dark secret of your early youth,

your dancing teacher from the Langley Tippy Tap Co -Dancing School, Mrs.

Irene Langley!

On the Sunday, the moment we've been waiting for, you will relive your

your unforgettable Shirley Temple dance.

Here is a cane, your original cane.

And here is Shirley Temple.

I got you, didn't I? All right, everybody, let's talk. Mister, this is

life itself.

Come on.

Let's have lunch for the birthday.

Here we go.

Come on. Here we are now. Big toes.

Here we...

Hi,

Felix.

Look, I'm sorry I got out like that, but if I'd have stayed, I'd have to punch

you right in the nose.

Why do you try so hard?

Why? Why?

Because I'm a nut. I'm an obsessive person, that's why.

I try so hard to make people happy, and I always ruin it. No, not always.

Always, yes, always.

Once I made my mother a beautiful bedlam, but I crossed the wires and I

her night ticket.

Come on, cheer up. Look, light the candle, I'll blow it out, and go to bed.

Would you do that for me? Sure. You can even sing a chorus of Happy Birthday,

but only one chorus.

Really? Sure.

Okay.

You ready?

Temple Dance fires me out. Well, you were great at it, though.

Tell me, did you have a good time at the party? Yes, I did. I really had fun.

Great. And I really surprised you. You did. I didn't think you could.

You don't know what it does for me. Just know I can do it to you. Good. Now, I

want to get in the bed. I want to read Murray's birthday present. Really? What

is it?

Athletes who have served time in jail. Ah.

Very, very interesting.

Well, good night, birthday boy.

Good night, Mr. Surprise Party.

I really fooled you.

Yep.