Original subtitles

That is perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

One little thing, if I may. The hands crossed.

Yes, that's nice. That is just nice. Regal, but relaxed. That is nice. The

if I may. Just a little bit off the face. Just a bit. That's always much

on the face. That's nice. That is nice.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I'm sorry.

Don't panic. There's nothing to panic about.

I'm a little bit nervous.

It's the first time I've ever photographed royalty.

Oh, please.

I'm really a very ordinary person.

Oh, Your Royal Highness Princess Lydia of Lichtenberg, an ordinary person.

You jest with a commoner.

This is an honor I will never forget.

Isn't he charming? Such manners. You could pass yourself off as a duke.

Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Rykoff. You know, if this photograph turns out well, it could

become a stamp.

A stamp?

No. As a matter of fact, the gentleman who photographed my mother became a

knight.

Sir Felix Unger.

Knight of Lichtenberg.

Well, perhaps I'd better cleanse the royal land.

There we are. Now I think everything is perfect and we will be just...

I'm terribly sorry. I seem to have forgotten to load the camera.

If you'll forgive me, Your Highness, I'll step into the darkroom for just a

moment. Could I go with you? I've never seen a real photographer's darkroom.

Nothing much to see.

It's dark.

Well, I don't mind the dark if the company is good.

Let's go in and see what develops.

A little Lichtenberg humor, huh?

Your Highness.

Your Highness.

Felix, did you take a laundry ticket? I need my underwear.

Hi, honey, where's Felix? I beg your pardon?

Felix. Oh, Mr. Unger, he's in the darkroom.

Haven't I met you before?

It's not the first time you work for Felix, is it?

Hey, weren't you the girl on the mouthwash commercial?

Didn't you park... Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Bruno, see if Mr. Unger's available, will you? Yeah, Bruno, tell him I need

lawn, will you?

You know, Felix is very good at his job, but sometimes I think he's off his

rocker. I mean, a pretty girl like you comes in, he ought to put you in a

or something, show off your great shape, you know? I mean, a little cheesecake.

Cheesecake? Yeah.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

Don't think I come on strong like this with all the models. I don't. I like

You've got class, see? You're not like those other dogs.

He photographed animals?

The worst.

Listen, uh, I was thinking maybe we could go have a little dinner, the

derby, you know what I mean, tonight?

Hey, how about ice hockey? I'll get you an autographed poxy. I know all the

players. I'm afraid not.

Why not?

The way I'm dressed.

Oh, I was playing ball in the park. That's why I'm sweating like a pig, see,

I'll shower. Oscar.

What are you doing here?

Striking out.

What are you saying? Oscar.

Hi. This is Princess Lydia.

I'm sorry.

I heard of you.

At the Silver Slivia, do we act with the pigeons?

I'm terribly sorry, Mom.

Step this way, please. Will you leave? We'll discuss this later. Discuss what?

What, he got first dibs on his chick?

Her subjects have first dibs on Princess Lydia of Lichtenberg.

Oscar!

This is Her Royal Highness, Princess Lydia of Lichtenberg.

This is Miss Rykoff, her secretary.

You're the secretary of the princess?

This is Bruno, her chauffeur.

And you're the chauffeur of the princess.

So you must be the princess.

Felix, I've been trying to pick up royalty.

Boy, am I a... Oscar!

On November 13th, Felix

Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Come on, eat a little something.

Not another night of sitting there not touching your food, Oscar.

You made your favorite, lasagna and french fries.

I'm eating, I'm eating.

No, you're not.

There's nothing on your shirt.

What's that got to do with it? Because when you eat, you always spill something

on your shirt.

Oh, look what he said.

Cut it out. You make such a big of yourself. Oh, today all I'm thinking

how I offended the princess.

I made such a fool of myself.

Well, I'll get you an autograph.

Talk, and I'll take you to the lullaby.

You're exaggerating this out of all sense of proportion.

Believe me, she wasn't that upset.

She say something after I left? No, nothing, nothing.

She muttered something about... What?

Dungeon something. It's nothing.

Cut it out. Stop trying to cheer me up.

I don't even want to think about how I embarrassed you. My best friend knew.

Don't worry about it.

I'll get over it.

I'll even get over losing my knighthood.

Knighthood? She was going to make you a knight?

Nothing definite.

Oh. Neither was the stamp.

What stamp?

There was some talk if they liked the picture, they were going to put it on a

stamp. It's nothing, it's nothing. Believe me, it's nothing, it's nothing.

Nothing? People all over Lichtenberg would have been licking the back of your

picture.

Break my arm, put me on the rack, stretch some sense into me. Will you

You're making me blue, and I'm a cheerful guy.

You're a cheerful guy?

Mind if I always act so stupid in the presence of people who are socially

than I am? I've got to get over that. I've got to get over that. Oh, no.

See, where are you going? I'm sorry.

I'm apologized.

Tell her I haven't been able to leave. And I haven't been able to sleep. Tell

her. I'll tell her. I'll send her a little quickie. Quickie.

I must have been double parked.

Oscar, guess what?

What?

I've been invited to a royal tea by Princess Lydia.

Oh, Felix, then you can apologize for me when you see a teller how sorry I am. I

will not. Why not?

You'll do it yourself.

But I can't. I'm not invited.

Since I can bring a date, you're my date.

you. I did so enjoy being in the dark room with you the other day.

Thank you, Miss Ryker. Is my friend Mr. Madison here?

Well, I haven't seen him. Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

And Her Royal Highness Princess Lydia?

Oh, well, she's right over there.

Ah, yes.

Excuse me. Mr. Unger, how good of you to come. Your Royal Highness, wild horses

could not have kept me away.

You look enchanting.

Thank you.

Your dress is lovely.

Thank you.

Isn't it a lovely day?

Yes, it is.

May I present the Marquess of Brennington. How do you do? Count

you do? The Consul from Nigeria.

How do you do?

Lord Hollingswood. How do you do? The Right Honourable Philip Carson. How do

do? The Right Reverend...

I want to see the prince. Oh, there she is. Oh, Mr. Madison, how nice to see

you. Isn't this a beautiful day? How nice of you to come.

Oscar. What's the matter? Oscar.

What? Your clothes.

What's the matter?

I told you to wear a morning coat.

I wear this coat every morning.

Don't you be proud of me. I'm going to tie in everything.

Surely you remember the business living in it. Oh, princess.

Hello there, Mr. Madison. I trust your laundry came out all right. Oh, yeah,

great. I'm wearing it now.

Your, your, your highness. Your highness.

Your royal highness, actually, but it couldn't matter less.

Mr. Madison, may I present the Marquis of Remington, Count Polsky. How are you?

The Count from Nigeria.

Brother. His Excellency, Count of Remington.

Hey, it's good to see you. How are you? The Right Honorable Philip Parsons. How

are you? And the Right Reverend Monsignor Countess. How are you? Nice to

you, Father.

Harold. How are you?

Countess. Nice to see you. Listen, I'll tell you why I'm late. See, it was an

accident. This truck hit a wagon full of watermelons, and they went all over the

street. See, and I helped the guy pick them up. That's why my hands are sticky.

Please, of course.

Would you please excuse me, Marcus? Can I tell her your excellency? Oh, you all

know who you are.

I'm only going to stay a couple of minutes. I came to apologize.

I'm awfully sorry for the way I spoke to you the other day. Your Highness, I'm

terribly sorry, but I must see you for just one moment, please.

Excuse me. I'm the consul of Nigeria.

You mentioned something about watermelons.

Oh, yes. There was a faction. They went all over the street.

Oh, yes. How's that? About this watermelon. Is it a food of your people?

Yes?

Yes.

Interesting.

Okay. What?

Hmm? What's that? Hmm?

Hmm?

Are you behaving? Are you making me proud? Oh, will you cut it out? I'm

apologize and I'm going to split. I won't embarrass you.

Good thing I hate teeth.

Why don't you order a beer?

Mr. Madison, I'm sorry we were interrupted. Yes, ma 'am. Do you mind

steamed now?

Cut it out.

I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved the other day. See, it goes back

when I was a kid. When I looked at you, I should have known you were so sweet

and so delicate and so divine and so busy.

That caveat?

Ladies and gentlemen, everyone, Senor Vargas, the cellist, is ready to play in

the music room.

Won't you all come this way?

Vargas, I'm very fond of him.

Maybe he'll play the Boccherini.

Oscar? Yeah?

Come on in.

The Boccherini, I got a little record at home. Come on.

I don't want to hear that. Who are you sitting that way for? I always sit this

way at a tea party. What are you doing?

What are you doing? It was an accident. Oh, no. It was an accident. Oh, no.

Oh, you disgraceful.

Look at that. That's horrible.

Speak out. Get out now. I haven't had a chance to apologize. I'll apologize for

you. Get out. You won't know why I'm doing it. Will you leave now?

I'll go to the bathroom and get a wet towel or something.

Oh, Mr.

Madison, aren't you coming to hear the music?

Well, uh... Oh!

You've got a spot on your pants. Yeah, well, clumsy. The guy came and... That

happened to me at the White House last week. My tiara fell in the mayonnaise.

They use mayonnaise at the White House?

On everything.

Here, let me fix it. Oh, no, no, do that with your new scarf.

Oh, no, that's all right. It's old.

300 years.

Oh, please get up. Please. No, look, it's nearly gone.

Look, I only came over to say I'm sorry.

Oh, you mean about yesterday? Yeah.

But I enjoyed it.

You're a very funny man.

But I tried to pick you up. Yeah.

Oh, your highness arrived.

Please excuse me. The popperini's waiting for you. Go ahead. Turn this

Oscar? Yes?

Your country is watching.

I think I'm some kind of nut, but I just had the greatest evening of my life.

What happened?

Nothing. That's what's so fantastic. We didn't do anything.

Just being with the princess, that was all.

What did you do?

I took her to the Statue of Liberty.

Wow, you're a spender.

Was she impressed?

Well, I know I was impressed. It was the first time I've seen it.

She couldn't wait to get back, huh? Now, the State Department didn't take her on

the Staten Island ferry. The State Department didn't buy her a big, fat,

pretzel with mustard on it. You bought her a salty pretzel?

Oh, boy!

You can laugh if you want, but she loved it.

Phoenix, I can't tell you what an evening was. What did you do?

Nothing. We just talked to people. People talked to us. That's all we did.

Talked to strangers.

She knighted a wino?

You look so great to me. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Then we stopped at Manny's

Delicatessen for a bite to eat. The princess and the pastrami.

And, uh, you know what happened when I took her home?

She had heartburn.

I kissed her goodnight.

Well, Bruno was hanging around my back, so it was a little peck, that's all.

You pecked a princess?

Maybe she's kissing every frog she meets.

Anyway, this frog is taking her out Thursday night. I'm taking her out for a

formal dinner at the Regent. The Regent? Yeah. The dinner at the Grand Ball for

the Grand Duchess of... Whatchamacallit, yeah. I think she needs an escort, so

she asked me. How about that?

Feel it.

I think I'm falling in love with the prince, then.

The marker at 3 .30 in the morning.

Am I ready to be presented to the court? Yes.

Night court.

You're impossible. Take me again. Take me through the receiving line, please.

Oh, one more time. Go out the door. Try to get it. Why?

Be quiet out there.

It's four o 'clock in the morning. People are trying to sleep.

Knock on the door silently.

How do you not finish?

Just do it.

How do you do?

Just don't shake hands with the butler.

What's the matter with you, Oscar? You're such a... Well, I didn't know you

playing the butler now.

Oh, my, come on. Come in. Don't go out again. Come on.

Go down the receiving line. The gentleman always goes first. First, you

hands with the Grand Duke. I'll be the Grand Duke. Right.

And now...

You take the Grand Duchess's hand. I kiss her hand. No. I kiss her foot. No.

lick her stand. No. You bow over her hand. That's all. You don't say

Nothing. Unless she speaks first. All right, try it again. Don't go outside.

Just come down. All right, so you're walking down.

I'm the Grand Duke.

You shake hands with the Grand Duke.

You take the Grand Duchess's hand.

Oh, you're Mr. Madison, the sports writer, aren't you?

Yeah, Duchess. You don't say, yeah, Duchess.

You talk classy. You say, yes, your royal highness, I am.

I go again.

This is impossible. Try for more. All right.

You're coming down the line.

I shake hands with the grand duke. He doesn't say much, does he? All right.

grand duchess, you take her hand. You bow.

Oh, you're Mr. Madison, aren't you?

You forgot to ask me if I'm a sports writer. Well, maybe she will. Maybe she

won't. She's an unpredictable duchess. I don't want to talk to a ding -a -ling

duchess.

No matter what happens, just nod, say nothing. You're uneducable. You can't

teach you anything. You suffer from invincible ignorance.

Well, you have no patience.

All right, never mind. So now we're coming into dinner. Now you're going to

me how you sit down.

Well, I usually bend my knees very, very slow. Wrong.

I've been working for 30 years. No.

First you pull out the chair for the lady. Right. Then you sit down.

night pool, please? No.

Narrow, please.

Narrow, please.

You like a narrow cuff?

No cuff at all. No cuff at all. High rise or low rise? High rise. High rise.

Look, look, gentlemen.

I'm a busy man. Let's get on with this. Sit down. I want this suit to be

perfection. This man is meeting royalty.

You think my goods never touched royalty before?

Give me a king. I'll give you a size.

Just do the measurements, please.

I'll tell you what I'd like. I want it to be neat, but not corny. You know what

I mean?

Styled, yes, but not too far out. Do you understand?

Yes. Yes, of course. Well, we have several choices. We could pull it

brush it back, or we could fluff it up on the side.

What do you recommend?

A hat.

Oh, hi, Your Royal Highness.

I don't know. I'll ask her.

She wants to know if you want to go to the ball. She's got a date for you.

Oh, I'd love it. Yes, yes.

Who's the date?

Miss Rykoff.

No.

I don't think so, no, really. Go on.

Yes, of course.

Yes, trust that.

Yes, he said he would.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

skinny. I can get my fingers around his wrist.

Oh, let's play a game.

What would you like to play, Miss Ryker?

Well, what do American boys and girls do after the party's over?

Well, generally the girls go to bed and the boys go home.

And I think it's getting a little bit late.

Mr. Eickhoff, could I persuade you to give me a royal tour?

Oh, I'd love to.

Come on, skinny.

Would you like to see the royal seal?

Yes, where is it?

In my room.

Oh,

Mr. Eickhoff has that marvelous capacity to relax when the day's work is done.

Hey, realize it's the first time we've ever been alone.

Won't you sit down, Oscar?

Oh, thank you, Your Highness. Would you like a drink?

Oh, yes, I would.

You know, this whole evening has been a revelation to me.

I mean, I thought that you people, I mean, all of these people were

but they're not.

No, not at all.

I don't want to brag, but I thought I carried it off pretty good, don't you

think? You were charming, Oscar.

A perfect death. Thank you very much.

Sit.

Oh, after you.

Beer?

Mr. Unger said it was your favorite.

But he insisted that I open it.

Hey, I had a great time at that party, and I'm glad that Duke didn't mind when

stepped on his wooden foot.

I'm glad he was a good sport.

He's also a terrific tap dancer.

I'd like to propose a toast to probably the greatest evening of my life.

Here's mud in your eye.

And I hope to see a lot more of you.

Oh, well, I'm afraid not. We're leaving tomorrow, you know.

Leaving tomorrow?

Can't you hang around for a couple more days?

Well, being a princess makes it rather difficult to hang around very much.

Although I would like to. But you'll be coming back.

Oh, it's possible.

Well, it's also possible I could be going to Lichtenberg, right? I mean,

sports. Hey, was your country entered in the Olympics?

Yes, but we only had one man.

What event was he in?

All of them.

How'd he do?

He died in the reeling.

I'm sorry, when you live in a small country, you have to have a sense of

Since you're going away, you know, I won't see you for a while.

This is going to be hard.

I was wondering if there's any... Both you and I, if there was any chance that

we could be... Friends?

Well... A lot more than friends.

I was wondering if you and I together... Oscar, are you proposing

to me?

Yes, I am.

Thank you, Oscar.

But I'm afraid marriage is a very complicated thing for me. You know,

diplomacy and things like that.

Do you know I've been engaged for 15 years to a prince in Iran?

Do you love him? I've never met him.

He's sort of a trade pact.

What kind of trade pact?

Well, we get oil and they get me.

Well, they sure got the best of that deal.

Oh, Oscar.

I'll remember this evening for the rest of my life.

You will?

I sure know I will.

You'd better be careful. You're liable to turn me into a prince.

I'll do better than that. What?

What are you doing?

What's that?

I dub thee Sir Oscar Madison, Knight of the Night Guys.

You're kidding.

I'm afraid I am.

My coat of a knight has run out this year.

The wino was the last one.

Tell Phoenix that I'm ready to leave.

Yes, I will.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

All right, Oscar, you lost.

But also, you gained something.

You gained a beautiful new experience.

You gained a new polish, a panache.

You learned to live on a somewhat higher level. You now have a new awareness, a

dial of grace.