Original subtitles

Your dinner's almost ready. Go wash your hands and face.

Singing,

you're being very accommodating.

What's wrong? You're smiling.

Well, there are smiley days and there are frowny days.

This happens to be a smiley day.

Why? Because today I got the opportunity of a lifetime.

Somebody made you commissioner of garbage?

Me and my crazy sense of humor. I'm a clown.

Just so happens, Flopsy Mopsy, that the sports department of our newspaper is

putting out a Sunday supplement this weekend. And guess who's editor?

You.

Oh, boy.

What an honor.

Your own supplement.

Yes, if it's any good, it might become a weekly thing. Oh, that's terrific,

Oscar. Your own weekly supplement. Your words read by millions of people. Now

you know how Shakespeare felt.

Why, did he live with a nut, too?

You'll just make it great. Oh, this? Tell me so.

Well, what's your first story going to be? Well, it's about this red Chinese

wrestling champ who's coming here to meet our champs in an exhibition.

So it's not only sports, international diplomacy. It's a very big thing. Oh,

boy, oh, boy. Oh, that's just fantastic.

Let me get you a glass for that beer. You shouldn't be drinking beer. You

be drinking champagne.

There going to be pictures? Of course, pictures. Pictures are a very big thing.

I need a great photographer.

Yeah.

So?

So? Who are you going to get?

Hey, you're a photographer. I need your opinion.

I'm thinking of Buzzy Allen.

With the opportunity of a lifetime, you want Buzzy out? Yeah, I know they call

him Boozy Buzzy. He has a little drinking problem, but I need a man with

talents, his great judgment, great taste, always at the right place at the

time. I mean, where am I going to find a great photographer like that?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked

to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

reel is fading back. There's a big rush from the giant front four.

Tremendous rush. He's looking for a receiver. This is a must play. Do or

He's scrambling, scrambling. They're putting pressure on him. They got him.

No, he got away and he lets it go.

That's what I see that thing in my face for. Now, I got a great shot of you in

action. You'll love this. Will you cut it out? What are you taking pictures of

me for in the middle of the game?

And now, here it is on the instant replay.

Leave me alone. I want to see this play. And now, in slow motion and freeze

frame, there you see Gabriel fading back. He throws.

Again, I'm blinded.

I'm sorry.

Anybody can make a mistake.

You know where you are. Come on.

There's the gun. The game is over. You all saw that fantastic hit.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Why are you making my life miserable with this camera?

I just want to show you, I'm the right man for your new job.

Felix, will you cut it out? You're a great photographer for old ladies and

little kids. You know nothing about action photography. Click, click.

What's that quick clip?

I just caught you in action, waving your arms around. I don't want you for a

photographer. I want Buzzy Allen. As soon as he calls, I'm going to give him

job. Buzzy Allen will be the mistake of your lifetime.

Oscar, you think I don't know what's required for the job, but I do.

All it takes is a feeling for action.

Why won't you look at these shots I took out of my files for you? You'll love

them. I haven't seen your files. A portrait of your dentist?

A picture of Murray walking his beat in a dress?

A picture of your dentist trying to pick up Murray?

And an 8x10 of your new dentist? Oh, please look at them. You only know me as

commercial photographer.

Honestly, I've got a lot more strings to my bow.

Won't you look? Just look at this.

What is this?

Looks like an old man chasing his hat. Yeah.

It blew off on 6th Avenue. The wind took it, and he went after it.

What's an old man chasing his hat got to do with sports? Well, use your

imagination.

That could be Mickey Mantle chasing a fumble.

Mickey Mantle chasing a fumble? Sure.

Look at the expression on his face. I caught that in mid -action.

He couldn't have gone too fast. He looks like he's over 80 years old.

Peppy, look the way the sun glints on his white hair. Look at that eager,

expression on his face.

That's the perfect moment I call... Oh, Felix. Quick, quick. What's that again?

Quick, quick. Oscar, you're disgusting.

Wait, let me show you another one. Look at this one. You got a picture of an

idiot chasing his beanie?

Oscar, I'm not doing this for you. I don't... What is this?

I wanted you to have the impact of surprise.

That is a great sports shot.

Sports shot? Three little girls playing jacks?

That's my daughter, Edna, and her two friends. Come, take a good look at this

the light. You see?

I caught it in mid -action. The ball's in the air.

Edna's just about to do foursies.

Look at the tension in those fingers. Look at the look on that face. That is a

great sports shot.

Yeah, for the centerfold of Jack and Jill magazine.

Oscar Madigan.

Oscar Madigan.

Will you cut it out?

You're breaking my camera.

Click, click, click. It's like living with a Japanese cricket.

Hello.

What?

I'm sorry, I can't understand you. What?

Can you talk clearer?

Morrison. No, there's... I think you mean Madison, don't you?

Yes, just a moment. It's for you. It's Buzzy Allen.

You have to talk louder. The music's too loud. I can't hear you.

You're where?

Yeah,

I just stepped in for a little drink before the fight.

What fight?

The Jackson -Barbera fight?

That was a week ago.

What? Oh, you want to know why I called? I called because I just got a tip.

Bet on Jackson.

Yeah, can't lose.

Right.

Fix him, Barbera, not Jackson, out in the second round.

What are you doing? Fixing your camera.

You remember everything I told you? I'm ready. I'm ready for anything.

I'm sure if an old man's hat blows off, you'll get it. Now, this is just a way

for you to be invisible. Get the shot. Get out of the way. Don't worry about

anything. I'm a pro, baby. Okay. Just remember what I told you.

That's Jerry Burns.

These guys the Oriental team? No, they're the Harlem Globetrotters.

That's right, baby, I'm telling you that. Mr. Oscar Madison, if you please.

Well?

Well, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm Oscar Madison.

Look, we've all worked together before. You know me and you know Nathaniel

Talbot. Aren't you guys happy to be here? That's the two of you shaking

yeah.

That's it, back up, just a little bit, back up, back up. All of you squeeze in

little bit. That guy, that man, squeeze in a little bit.

Okay? Yep. Good. Okay. Thank you. And now, for the first of our two opponents,

reloading, there's going to be three opponents.

In the United States of America, holder of three titles, Mr. Jerry Byrne. Jerry

Byrne, right there.

Who's Mr. Poole in the second edition?

And from the People's Republic of China, Mr.

Chuck MyChick.

Let me see.

Oh, my God.

say that you speak English.

I think so.

You see, he does speak English.

We also have with us another person from the Orient. The runner -up in the Miss

Globe contest.

She brings peaceful greetings to Mr. Chin.

Miss Lotus Lee, Miss High Pound.

She's Miss Runner -up? The judges must have been blindfolded, you know.

Blindfolded. They couldn't see because of the... Why don't you step back there,

sir?

Well,

as you see, she doesn't speak any English.

Could you tell us what she said, Mr. Chin? I don't know. She has dialect from

South. Mr. Madison, I believe Miss Hong Kong said that she welcomes Mr.

Chin to this country and that she...

And she wishes him a beneficence and words to that effect.

Beneficence? Yes.

You got that.

Beneficence.

The People's Republic of China is weighing in at 174 and a half.

Okay, now, Mr. Perry, you have to take those.

What's your weight?

163. What do you mean, my little weight?

Well, the camera's weight. Will you get off the scale?

Trending champion is weighing in at 162 and a half.

All right, ladies and gentlemen. First, that concludes the weigh -in ceremony.

I'm a pro, baby. You're a pro interpreter. I want you to be a pro

Excuse me just a moment.

Watch my stuff, will you?

Oh, say, excuse me. Could I ask you a question?

Yes, you ask. I answer.

When you make chow yoke, do you use carrots and peas?

Oh, yes, yes, I've been making it for years, but I wanted to make sure I was

authentic.

Would you like to come up for some chow, Chuck?

Maybe would you like to come up for some chow -yuck, Chuck?

Why don't you just come up, Chuck?

Would you like to come over for dinner?

Sorry, manager say no chow -yuck while training.

Must stay trim.

Yes. Under 200 pound.

But you very kind man to invite stranger.

Stranger? We're all brothers.

I know.

You people are all look alike.

Felix, I'm... You photographer.

I call you... Very good. Another one.

Very good.

Very good. How about the Roman style?

Just the old tricky shoulder again.

Nothing.

This man is in pain.

Excuse me. Could I... Do you mind?

Where's the pain?

Right here on the shoulder, huh?

You, doctor?

I thought you... It's localized there. No, no, no.

I had the same thing when I was in college. Right down through there. I had

give up lacrosse. My doctors say it's bursitis.

Yeah, bursitis. The old catch -all.

Now, you see?

You've got this nerve coming right down here. You've got this sublactation right

here on the back of your neck.

Oh, you know everything.

Hold still now. Wait a second.

How's that?

Much better.

Pain gone, pain gone.

I'll tell you one thing.

You shouldn't wrestle anymore.

Not to wrestle?

Not with that arm. You should never wrestle again.

But I must wrestle.

People, others depend on me. Others depend on you? Do others care if you're

injured for life? I don't call that humane. That's exploitation.

This man should never wrestle again.

I shouldn't wrestle.

Absolutely not.

You speak Chinese. You cook chow yuk. You fix my shoulder.

You have very nice eyes, even though round.

I trust you.

Everybody!

Wait till you hear what he has to say.

I'm not a wrestler in the United States.

I have been told never ever to wrestle again.

It is not in the second section, the sports section.

Headlines on the front page. Look at that. Red Chinese wrestler bows out.

So, what do you want me to do about it? I want you to get him to bow in again.

Oscar, he's a grown man.

He is an overgrown man. He's like a kid with you. He trusts you. That's a big

responsibility. I told the man the truth. The truth. Look at this. The

Suddenly the truth. Show me a shingle that says Felix Unger, M .D. It just

happens that I'm very familiar with this condition.

Oh, you're splitting feet with Marcus Welby now?

I had the same thing myself in school. To this day, I can't shake down a

thermometer with my right hand. I have to use my left hand.

All right.

We will assume the ridiculous.

Assume that your diagnosis is correct.

I want you to reverse yourself. Tell the man it's okay to wrestle.

You mean lie?

Yeah, take your tongue and tell a lie.

I wouldn't do such a thing.

Felix, the president called my boss today. He yelled at him pretty good.

The president? Yeah.

What did he say?

He said, tell Felix to take his tongue and tell a lie.

Leave him.

Okay. All right, forget the president. Forget the State Department. Forget

in our time.

Forget it all.

Truth is, my job is on the line.

What?

They threatened you? Why?

I hired you. They said, well, I was responsible for your actions. If Chuck

doesn't wrestle, I'm out. That's it.

Well, that's... I don't think that's...

No, not under those conditions. No, sure. Cast my lot with the devil. No,

won't let you do it that way.

I'm your friend. I'm your buddy. Do you think I would let you go against your

conscience and mean so much to you? I'd rather be unemployed. I could find

another job. Don't worry about it.

There are many jobs for sports writers, not in this country, but there are some.

What's this?

The phone number of Chuck's hotel.

The sports world is a jungle.

You get the phone. Dial, dial, dial. I'll get the door.

Chuck! What are you doing here?

Come on in. Come in.

I need a place to be alone.

So I come here.

You want us to leave?

No. I need a place to talk.

Think. I take a long walk in Central Park.

You know, in Central Park, everybody wrestles.

Speaking of wrestling, that reminds you of something, doesn't it, Phoenix?

Come on. Tell them. Come on. The good news.

Tell them. You know, do you want to tell them?

Uh, Chuck, I... I think I, uh... I think I... I might have been

mistaken about your shoulder.

You wrong?

Yeah. As impossible as that may be to conceive, I, uh... I, uh... I... Let me

take another look at it.

I, uh... My feeling is that... Let me see. Just a minute. Yeah.

Hmm. Hmm.

Don't hum him. Tell him. Tell him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you see, you see, what I had was lacrosse shoulder, which only happens to

people who play lacrosse or live in Wisconsin.

Yeah.

What you've got here, you've got oriental bursitis.

What do you mean? He means that you can wrestle.

Chuck can wrestle? Sure, that's what he means.

You're helping a friend.

Don't you feel better?

I knew you would.

Hey, old buddy, what are you eating?

Gelatin dessert.

What flavor?

Just plain gelatin.

is the right thing?

When I die, I want my tongue buried separately.

He didn't actually lie, you know.

If anything happens to that man's shoulder, I give him mine.

Shoulder transplant?

He's right on. I'll never leave his side.

Never leave his side? Nobody deserves that, Felix.

Look, there are a lot of athletes that are going through what Chuck is going

through. They break tendons and ankles and they have operations and pain.

They don't quit.

They bite their lip. They spray on a little Novocaine. They keep on playing.

You know why?

They're masochists.

No, they don't play. That's why they're athletes.

Be honest. Did you see the look on Chuck's face when you told him he could

wrestle? He loved you for that. I don't care what you say.

Liars never prosper.

Neither do unemployed sports writers.

I can't go through with this. I can't.

I don't want to cover that match tonight.

My heart's just not in it. You think I would let you cover that match tonight?

wouldn't let you within 50 miles of it. Good, good, because all the guards

around there have little click -clicks of you. Not to let you in.

Just for the best.

I'll stay home tonight.

What'll you do?

Read the Bible.

Who'd you get to replace?

Buzzy Allen.

I'll say a prayer for you.

for the match. Behind the scenes stuff, okay? Yeah. Oh, boy.

Hey, I smell something wonderful.

Rubbing alcohol.

Which way to the arena? I'm dying for a beer.

It's not that kind of wrestling. They don't sell beer here.

No beer? No. What kind of wrestling is that? This is the real thing, Buzzy.

Amateurs. You mean they don't know who's going to win before?

Sure.

They're going to ruin the game.

This is his replacement, Buzzy Allen.

I don't like his eyes.

I don't see his eyes.

You mean my friend Felix couldn't come? No, he wanted to come, but he couldn't.

Good luck, sport.

Same to you.

Jerry Burns, let's go. We want to introduce you to the crowd.

Chuck, it's me, Felix.

How'd you get in here?

Chuck, I lied to you. Don't go. I can't help it. The truth will out. Teeth will

not have you. Wait a minute. I settle this.

I settle this.

I tell you, Felix, I know from before that you not tell me truth.

How do you know? My face gave me away, huh? No, not your face. The last

your finger's not sincere.

Do you hate me?

No. You lied to me because you want to save your friend from shame.

That's true. He did do it for me, Chuck.

Well, if you know I'm lying, then why do you want to go out there and wrestle?

Well, Chuck also have friends in China who would ruse face if Chuck not

Chuck also royal to friends.

Chuck wrestle for friends.

That's the gentleman. Ready for you now.

When you fall, be sure to favor this shoulder.

Okay, buddy.

Let's go, buddy.

Is this Buffy Allen?

Yeah. I never met him.

I spoke to you on the phone, Mr. Allen. It was a great pleasure.

He's shy.

May I borrow your camera?

I knew you wouldn't let me down. I'll return it.

Although I must say, as one photographer to another, that I do think it's a

crime that a man with more talent...

Take

your meat off the stove!

Wait till you see the art I got. I've got... My picture's really great stuff.

Oh, I want to see it. I've got the best picture of the first fall. Oh, we had

them up in the air? Yeah.

Here,

look at that. Look at that.

Picture of me.

Yeah, but look at the look in your eye. That tells the whole story.

And where are the rest of us? They're in the ring.

Photographer's got that shot. You don't want that.

Let me show you the victory. Chuck's victory at the end.

This is really... Look at that.

A beautiful picture of a bell.

Yeah.

Look closely. What do you see?

A fly on the bell?

No, the fly has just flown off the bell. You know why?

Because the bell was just rung.

Look at the iridescence in those wings. That tells the whole story. A moment of

triumph. Isn't that wonderful?

These pictures are just too pretty to put in a sports section. I'm going to

them on the front page, a picture of me and a fly in the mouth.

And on the sports page, I'm going to put a one -eyed for a joke.

What a joker.

Look who's here.

Look who's here.

Hey, Mr. Lee.

Chuck. Come in, come in, Chuck. What a nice surprise.

We go to China tomorrow, so we came up tonight to be with good friends.

Congratulations on your victory. What did you bring?

Food. Food. Special food.

Food that Chinese people like.

Oh, food that Chinese people like. Oh, how beautiful.

Let's see what you've got here. What did you bring us?

You like rocks?

Rocks? Rocks. Rocks.

What kind of rocks? Rocks.

Clemen bagel.

Rinses. Cheese rinses.

Cheese rinses. And river.

Chopped river.

How come you brought this food?

I love Italian food.