Original subtitles

I told you I only had lunch at the office. What, Big Newton's and cream

Hell, angels eat better than you.

And neither, too.

I've heard you need to eat some food for a change. Geez, he always says pizza

gives me heartburn. Nothing gives you heartburn.

Now, you comfortable?

Yeah. Good.

I'm leaving.

What do you mean? We just got here.

You'll see.

Just wait.

Somebody will come.

And sit with you. What are we doing here?

Casablanca? Who's Casablanca?

Somebody. Who?

A lady somebody.

A lady somebody?

You fixed me up with a date with a lady. Who, who, who? Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman

with the overbite?

What, for lunch?

No. Don't be silly.

I'll be silly. Please, I'm not late, am I dear? Hello, darling.

How far are you? What are you doing here?

Oscar, what are you doing here?

You fixed me up with my ex -wife?

Yes.

Now I got hot birth.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

What are you doing in New York? Starting your own alimony collection agency?

No. I came east for my Uncle Dave's wedding.

Old Uncle Dave? The guy's got to be over 90. Yeah.

So, Blanche is in New York?

Today is the anniversary of your divorce.

So? I thought it would be fun if you celebrated it together.

Fun?

Aren't you the guy that got the survivors of the Hindenburg together?

Just call me an incurable romantic.

I'd love to call you... Just call him an incurable sweetheart.

I'm on my way. I'm going. Good.

Goodbye, Felix. You're gauche, but good, dear.

You too.

It's a great idea. You'll see.

Gee,

it's great to hear.

Uncle Dave.

I didn't know he got married.

Neither did he.

Kind of weird, isn't it? Two of us sitting here celebrating our divorce.

Weird, but I'm in California. I celebrate it every day.

Hey, oh, don't you like linguinis? They make it great here.

You remembered.

Remembered what?

I hate linguinis.

Uh -huh, but I remember.

I make one linguini, red clam sauce, and one pizza with everything on it.

And wine and one of those things that looks like a basket.

We need you to master Italian, darling.

Come on, will you cut out the zingers?

It's the truth, remember? Right, right. Sorry, sorry. It's the truth.

Look, we had a lot of good things going for us.

Oh, but we had a lot of laughs.

As Grover Cleveland said, some people get along all the time, some people

get along, and we never got along all the time.

Grover Cleveland said that? Listen, he was no Abe Lincoln.

eight fights, but the best one was the one that broke her thumb.

New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, yeah.

That was a beauty.

Mm -hmm. Oh, you really blew it that night.

I blew it. I... Flats, I started a lot of fights, but at that New Year's party,

you were the bad guy.

Me? Yeah. I was there. I happened to have thrown that party, remember?

Where was I? Playing drums with Guy Lombardo?

Tell me what you saw. No, no, no, no. I want you to tell me your version because

I need to laugh.

It would be my pleasure. It's burned into my memory. I remember how I worked

I slaved on that party to make it perfect for you. And there you were in

usual grumpy mood sitting around telling dirty jokes and hanging around with

your buddies.

Then the guy says, yeah, now that I got it, how do I get rid of it?

I want you to try this dip. I spent hours on it. See if you like it.

You like it? You deserve a medal. I'll hang an avocado around your neck.

I'm busy talking, all right? Oh, honey, wait a minute. Listen, is this dress all

right? I mean, you know, it isn't too tacky, is it? I mean, this is a party.

It's not a fashion show. Why don't you go blow up some balloons?

Let's blow them up together like we used to remember.

I'm talking. I'm not blowing and I'm not remembering.

Why don't you answer the door?

We could answer it together.

You answer it.

And if it's a naked midget with a banner across his chest, tell him he's early.

You have a good time, sweetheart.

I'll answer the door.

Felix, how are you?

My sinuses are killing me.

there with the tattoo of a rat on his neck.

No, I don't feel bad. There's a man over there without a bone in his nose.

Oh, come on. It'll be a lovely party. Come, I'll introduce you around.

The tennis pro?

Why, yes, but I'm good at other things, too.

Let me.

Oh, thank you.

I just love your party.

I do, too. Now, hey, how about a drink right here?

I bet he said you shouldn't wear lace panties to Forest Hills, too. I just

this dip.

What are these little black things?

Oh, those are Oscar's cigar ashes.

Poor Glenn.

Look at Oscar over there. Isn't he cute when he gets around a pretty girl?

You mean you're not jealous?

Of Oscar?

No, why should I be?

Well, I...

That girl's got a terrible reputation.

She broke up a marriage on the newlywed game.

Darling, if a husband and wife can't trust each other, what do they have?

Here's some kind of girl blanching. Hey, it's almost midnight.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Are you going to get the noisemakers?

Send me a roll -out tweeter noisemaker.

Isn't she a wonderful...

I'm doing this mutable just like the rest of them.

It's a bad habit.

Where's my Oscar?

You know what he hides? Every New Year's Eve.

He hid last year.

Where'd you find him? In Cleveland.

You have a wonderful sense of humor.

You're a wonderful... Oscar! Oscar Dodge!

Where are you?

Blanche! Blanche! You're just terrible.

I think it's my serve.

And the score is 15.

Nothing. Your kisses usually are.

Poor Blanche. I don't know what to say. Well, say goodbye. Let me talk to my

wife. Talk? There's nothing to talk about. Wait, Blanche. Felix, at least

listen to me.

Oscar, I'm the last to turn against you.

But you've not only mortally wounded the loveliest, most trusting wife in the

world, but look the way you've wrinkled those coats.

to cheat on Blanche. She's got to know that. It's too late for that now.

Now I've got to find her before she does something drastic.

Well, what do I do?

When you see her, get down on your knees and thank your maker for a wife like

Blanche.

Ah, Blanche, Blanche.

Pull yourself together. Felix, do you mind, please?

Blanche, I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you? Look, I'm on my knees

and I'm begging. Please forgive me.

Please, Oscar, get up. Your trousers are getting the floor off. dusty. Thank

you, dear.

I'll do anything. I'll buy you that house. I'll even turn it neat. I'm

Oscar. It's too late for all that. My words, Adrian.

Hey, everybody.

I'm sorry.

You'll have to go somewhere else to bring in a happy New Year. The party's

sleeping dogs lie, do you, Oscar?

Come on, Blanche. You got the story all wrong. Sure, we broke up for good that

night, but it was your fault. My fault?

You're gonna sit there. You're gonna tell me you don't really remember what

happened.

Tell me your version.

I'd like to hear it told with a full mouth.

Okay. It was a good party.

The room was filled with good friends, good booze, and good spirits, but you,

baby, you were impossible.

You were like a deranged clown. Miranda.

After all, I'm only a guy. I'm not God.

Oh, you're missing my favorite sports writer.

She's not for you either, Oscar.

Little Trudy Wells, you know Felix Sanger?

How do you do?

Little Trudy's been waiting all night for you to pay her a lot of attention.

Hey, now, you've been drinking a lot. You know what martinis do to you.

I get her a coaster?

I'll get her to the bedroom and have her take a nap, okay? Good idea. I'll turn

down the bed. No, no, no. I don't want to mess up the party.

You get Blanche and have her hand out the noisemakers, will you?

You're some kind of guy.

Blanche is lucky to have a husband like you.

Thank you, Felix.

Thank you.

because she's doing it.

I've got to find her and set it straight. Oscar, you're a saint.

Oh, Blanche!

Oscar! Excuse me, folks.

It wasn't my fault, Oscar. I just came here for a piece of ice.

It's not for you.

Oh, Oscar, I'm so ashamed.

Because you got caught, you tell it to the go -farm.

I'm lawyers.

You take a go -farm, I'll take a go -farm, and I'll meet you in court. I

don't...

While you're down there on your knees, thank your maker for a husband like us.

No.

No, though a terrible, terrible thing has happened, I want all of you, my

friends, to continue to have a good time.

was a ram fullback who ran out of bounds and stepped on me with his plate.

I like this story you're gonna tell me.

Everybody's... Hi, you two.

How's it going?

The one where I blew the whistle on Blanche? That's his version. In my

the only thing he blew was our marriage.

Do I remember?

That is the most vivid night in my entire memory.

Even if I was doomed to failure.

What failure?

What else?

Keeping you two from making such a terrible mistake.

I've been to two or three parties before.

I had to be with you two in midnight.

Oh, what a party it was.

Why, what a dope party.

Is Felix coming? Yeah, he'll be here soon.

Whenever she nips, she's got a nap, and she's nipped.

It's a nappy nap.

Oscar. What?

Willpower. Who's willpower?

Beat, where did Oscar disappear to?

I couldn't say.

I need him to help me hand out the goodies, darling. He's already getting

goodies.

I was in here.

It couldn't be anything I said. What did you say? I told her not to come back

here, Oscar. I said if she did go in, to go in with an open mind. I yelled

cheese at Oscar.

You yelled cheese at Oscar?

Thanks a lot. Now I know how much trouble I'm in. Why is it every time you

to help me, you end up hurting me?

You're like a vicious St. Bernard.

See what happens when you try to help people.

Excuse me.

You did see her in the kitchen?

Yeah.

And that doesn't bother you?

What's it bother me that she's fixing a noisemaker?

That's what you call him, huh?

The vicious St. Bernard says no more.

I'm going to take a look.

Don't go in there. Why not? If you go in, go in with an open mind.

Get out of my face. She's a bitch!

How could you? What are you talking about?

You, out of the huddle. And you, you want to be ashamed of yourself. Oh,

the best form of defense is attack.

I don't have anything to defend. I know nothing happened in the bedroom. I saw

what was happening here.

People, it's a terrible misunderstanding. You're both such...

he plays a great game of tennis on a mattress.

Who's talking to such a woman in the kitchen? I never did trust you. You had

those beady little eyes. That's not beady. That's a wince that's been there

since the day we were married.

You don't have to stay married. People, people, please. Ah, shut up. Why don't

you get out of here? Mind your own business.

Instead of yelling at me, the two of you should be down on your knees thanking

your maker.

I'm afraid it's no use. The party's over.

Believe me, I did everything in my power to hold those two people together.

Now I just go home. It's just four.

The gospel according to St. Felix.

It's very funny, but if you two had listened to me that night, you'd never

got a divorce.

Felix, we never belong together.

No, no, no, no. Wrong.

You do belong together.

You love each other. And leave it to me. I'm going to get the two of you back

together again. Now, we'll eat.

The meal is on me.

So's the wine.