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Oscar, I'm home. From work.
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00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:10,860
Hi.
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00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,520
I picked up some Danish at the Jewish
bakery.
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00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,000
We're going to parade?
5
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:26,840
Did the window washer come?
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00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:29,480
Yeah. Phoenix, I'm kind of loaded down
with deadlines, so kind of leave me
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00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:30,480
alone, will you?
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00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,080
Do a good job.
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because we're paying these days. Every
window should be sparkly.
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Oscar, look at that.
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What now?
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00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:45,050
Look at that smudge. They're terrible.
It's just as bad as before.
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00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:48,510
So we're on the 11th floor. Who's going
to see the flying nun?
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00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:52,190
Did you inspect his work?
15
00:00:52,410 --> 00:00:55,570
No. He stayed on his side of the window.
I stayed on mine. He didn't inspect
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00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:56,349
mine either.
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00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:57,970
You'd be done for living in a dump.
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You may be happy looking out filthy
windows. I'm not. Close the drapes. I'm
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busy, will you?
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00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:07,300
He told that you didn't care, so he did
a sloppy job.
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00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:11,500
Not as sloppy as I'm doing. I'm getting
out of here. Go ahead. Go on. Fifty
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00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:14,520
pounds. I should be used to your
indifference by now.
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00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,700
Do you know there's ketchup on the
windowsill?
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00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,080
I'm going to be out in a few bars. Maybe
I'll remember it.
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00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:21,980
Go on. Get out of here.
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00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,040
Let Felix do the dirty work. He's used
to it.
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00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,120
You're shaming the neighbors.
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On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of
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residence.
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That request came from his wife.
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Deep down, he knew she was right, but he
also knew that someday he would return
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to her.
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With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.
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00:02:01,940 --> 00:02:05,860
Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he
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never return.
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Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?
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the windows in the downstairs apartment?
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Give me your hand.
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Give me your hand.
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00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,190
I got you.
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00:03:26,610 --> 00:03:29,210
I got you. I got you. I got you. I got
you. I got you.
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00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:34,210
I got you. I got you. I got you. I got
you. I got you. I got you.
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00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:42,070
Oh, that's good.
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00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,160
Oh, you saved my life. What were you
doing?
45
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,660
Oh, I was reaching for a smudge on the
windowpane.
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You could have been a smudge on the
sidewalk.
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00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,240
Oh, Oscar, I thought I was a goner.
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00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:56,360
You know something? What? My whole life
passed before me.
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00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,760
I remember where I lost my skate key.
50
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:01,940
Your skate key?
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00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:04,680
When I was 11 years old, I lost my
roller skate key.
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00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,360
My father was so mad at me.
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00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:10,440
When I was hanging out there, I remember
where I put it.
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Under the icebox pad.
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00:04:13,490 --> 00:04:14,770
I'll bet it's still there.
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00:04:15,370 --> 00:04:18,250
Good. We'll go to Toledo and take a
look. Look, I want to go back there.
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00:04:18,390 --> 00:04:19,890
please. I'm so cold.
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00:04:20,589 --> 00:04:22,010
Maybe I need a little drink.
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You are.
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00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:24,970
Oh, Oscar.
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00:04:25,690 --> 00:04:28,510
It's a terrible thing to be so close to
death.
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00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:32,470
Suddenly you're face to face with a grim
reaper.
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00:04:33,410 --> 00:04:35,510
I tell you, kiddo, I'm shaking.
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00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:37,550
I'm shaking. Drink this, kid.
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00:04:37,890 --> 00:04:38,890
I remember.
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00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:41,120
I remember my first girlfriend in
school.
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00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,660
Big Bertha, we called her.
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00:04:45,180 --> 00:04:47,180
She used to chase me home with a stick.
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00:04:49,340 --> 00:04:53,460
I remember my best friend in the first
grade. His name was Orville Kruger.
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He had a strange -shaped head.
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00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,560
His mother used to let out one side of
his hat.
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00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,940
If I get another big Bertha and you're
lopsided crazy, I gotta go to work. I'm
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00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:10,150
cold. I'm just cold. Oh, Oscar.
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00:05:11,190 --> 00:05:14,510
If it hadn't been for you, it would have
been bye -bye hunger.
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00:05:14,790 --> 00:05:16,690
Bye -bye hunger. No, Oscar.
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00:05:18,070 --> 00:05:20,150
I'll never forget you for this. Never.
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I owe you my life. I'll pay you back.
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00:05:23,770 --> 00:05:26,190
You want to pay me back? Pass down, will
you, so I can go back to work.
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00:05:28,450 --> 00:05:30,030
Maybe I'll get a little nap.
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00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,050
I'll forget the horror I've been
through.
81
00:05:32,490 --> 00:05:36,430
It's a bad truck. Oh. It'll be okay.
It'll work out. Will you do me a favor?
82
00:05:36,550 --> 00:05:37,670
Anything. Just what do you want?
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00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:40,570
Wipe the ketchup off the windowsill.
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00:05:51,370 --> 00:05:52,370
What are you doing?
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00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:57,030
I just want coffee. No, no, no, no, no.
86
00:05:57,430 --> 00:05:58,890
Coffee is not enough for a hero.
87
00:05:59,170 --> 00:06:01,550
I've prepared a special breakfast for
you. I want an egg.
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00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,200
Benedict.
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00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,200
You don't have time for eggs, Benedict.
They just have an egg bed.
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00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,940
Come on, William. If you're still on the
grateful kick, cut it out. You're going
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00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:15,680
to make me very fat. Oscar, when one man
has saved another man's life,
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gratitude, believe me, comes easily.
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00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,060
Now, I have a surprise for you. What?
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00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:23,540
Here's something I prepared last night.
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00:06:40,590 --> 00:06:41,590
tribute to you.
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00:06:41,690 --> 00:06:45,450
My humble way of showing my gratitude to
a great guy.
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00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:46,910
And that's not all.
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00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,520
Fine perfume?
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00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,840
Yes. You smell like a log cabin.
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00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:39,880
I'm still happy to be here away from
that pest.
101
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:41,079
What pest?
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00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,360
My roommate. I love you. I love my
office. I love my desk.
103
00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:46,420
What happened to my desk?
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00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:47,999
Nice, huh?
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00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,020
What do you mean nice? It's all clean
and there's flowers there. What is it, a
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00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:52,020
desk or a park?
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00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:57,560
Well, it was so cluttered and you
couldn't find anything, so... Now I
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00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,580
anything. I'll get you a cup of coffee.
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00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:00,940
Where'd you put my cigars?
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00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:01,899
In the...
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Left drawer.
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00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:07,260
Left drawer's locked. Where my cigars
are. Why is it locked? Where my cigars
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00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:08,260
are. I need a cigar.
114
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,660
Try one of these instead.
115
00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:12,180
It's for Bill Castro. Smoke a carrot.
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00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:14,500
This is ridiculous.
117
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:15,399
Now, what's going on?
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00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,020
Well, that's what I told them. Told who?
Who did you tell? You told who?
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00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,560
Nobody. Talk, honey, talk.
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00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,260
You better talk. Remember, you still
have folks up in La France.
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00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,920
Talk with Felix. Felix beat you, didn't
he? It was Felix, wasn't it? Talk to us.
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00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:27,960
What's Felix?
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a place to hide.
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00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:43,330
You're the best secretary I ever had.
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Disorganized, sloppy, lazy.
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Now he's ruined you.
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00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,130
I don't feel too bad he's ruined me,
too.
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00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:54,970
But he said you saved his life.
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00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:56,690
Yeah, and for that he's trying to kill
me.
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00:09:57,310 --> 00:09:58,670
Where's the stuff you took from my desk?
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00:09:58,930 --> 00:10:01,050
I put it in a box. Yeah, well, bring it
in, will you?
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00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:10,580
Where things went. What is that?
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00:10:15,540 --> 00:10:16,540
Slut.
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00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:57,460
I mean it sincerely. I want you to put
me down any time you want to. Tell me
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00:10:57,460 --> 00:10:58,860
what you want or I'll put you down with
this.
136
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:01,960
I'm sorry.
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00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,260
I guess I'm an awful pain in the neck to
you sometimes.
138
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:14,200
Well, anyway, I realize that playing the
sax was... It falls so far short of any
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00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,520
kind of decent tribute to you that I...
What is it?
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00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:19,800
Look, Adam.
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00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,040
What I want to do...
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00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:26,350
Buy time on a local radio station and
have this taped so that people
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will know what kind of guy you really
are.
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00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,770
The following is a commercial
announcement for Oscar Madison.
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00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:57,820
show R means risk and he took a big one
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00:11:57,820 --> 00:12:01,360
M -A -D is what he gets
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00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:42,120
Must be some legal recourse. He's a
public nuisance. Give me protection.
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00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:46,980
Oscar, it's not a crime to do things for
people. Now, should he commit a crime,
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00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:50,880
I'd be happy to arrest him for it. Well,
will you look the other way if I kill
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him?
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00:12:52,620 --> 00:12:55,420
Oscar, I'm a policeman, so please don't
ask for any favors.
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00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:58,060
I haven't slept since that night.
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00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,540
He comes into my room every hour on the
hour to see if I'm all right. He feels
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my forehead. He takes my pulse.
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00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,700
Oh, gee, that's swell.
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00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:06,740
It ain't swell.
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00:13:07,130 --> 00:13:12,650
If I went to live with my grandmother,
I'd move to Poughkeepsie. My luck, so am
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I.
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00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:14,890
Murray! Hi!
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A pleasant surprise.
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00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,110
You staying for dinner?
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00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:22,110
Well, I'd love to, but I can't. What are
we having?
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00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,490
Wienerschnitzel. For a wonderful man.
164
00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:31,730
Gee, I wish I could speak another
language.
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00:13:40,490 --> 00:13:43,250
for you to save a fortune in alimony
payments.
166
00:13:43,550 --> 00:13:46,210
Oh. I spoke to the Internal Revenue
Service.
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00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:47,430
Internal Revenue?
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00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:51,870
They're going over your tax returns for
a new alimony settlement.
169
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,310
You don't mean the Internal Revenue?
Yes.
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00:13:54,510 --> 00:13:57,770
Starting tomorrow, they're going to pull
all your tax returns for the past five
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00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,490
years. I'll bet they find plenty.
172
00:14:00,930 --> 00:14:03,630
Dummy, you didn't do it for me. I did.
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00:14:03,970 --> 00:14:04,969
I did.
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00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,630
I'll bet I save you $1 ,000 a year at
least.
175
00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:10,310
Well, Phyllis, they're going to kill me.
You know how I keep working.
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00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:19,150
worry. Just remember, somebody right
here likes you.
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00:14:26,070 --> 00:14:30,610
I got a great idea.
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00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:34,630
What? You know what? Turn the tables on
him like on a TV show that I saw last
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00:14:34,630 --> 00:14:35,750
week. It was hilarious.
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00:14:36,350 --> 00:14:37,229
What happened?
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00:14:37,230 --> 00:14:39,830
The same thing happened to the star that
happened with you with Felix.
182
00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:41,330
Now, you know what he did? What?
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00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:42,770
First, he pretended.
184
00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:44,880
Like his life needed saving, you see?
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00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:48,200
Then when the other joker saved his
life, that evens the score.
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00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,560
Funny, huh? What do you mean funny? That
makes a lot of sense. Tell me how he
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00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,900
did it. How'd he do it? Well, he choked
on a chicken bone.
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00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:46,640
wake is over.
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00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,360
Okay.
190
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,120
Listen.
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00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:57,460
I am so grateful to you for calling me
up and telling me you wanted chicken.
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00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,400
Because there are so many things I want
to do for you, but I don't know where to
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00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,400
start.
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00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,740
And this way you help me. Not that you
have to.
195
00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:11,700
Because anything you want, anything, no
matter how wild, no matter how far out,
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00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:15,060
if you want it, ask for it, buddy.
197
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,379
Got it.
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00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:17,380
Shut up.
199
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,120
Where's the chicken?
200
00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:23,260
Please, where's the chicken?
201
00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:26,940
Speak, only if you're going to tell me
where the chicken is.
202
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:28,680
The chicken is in the bucket.
203
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:33,960
Get it, because human males... What's
this sudden urge for chicken? I don't
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00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,000
know, I just had a yin for it.
205
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,700
I never knew you to eat chicken that
didn't come in a bucket.
206
00:16:38,990 --> 00:16:43,350
Oh, I like that man's face. I trust it.
I just want a cold -cooked chicken.
207
00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:45,370
Forget the reason, Oscar Madison.
208
00:16:45,690 --> 00:16:47,250
You asked for it.
209
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:49,870
What kind of chicken is that?
210
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:52,890
Chicken cartarelli.
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00:16:53,550 --> 00:16:57,290
I just want a plain chicken. Plain
chicken is for a plain man.
212
00:16:57,770 --> 00:17:00,050
You're far from a plain man, Oscar.
213
00:17:00,290 --> 00:17:03,410
You inspired this. I think it's the best
I ever made.
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00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:28,840
Boneless chicken.
215
00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:20,130
You know what's going to happen, don't
you? You're going to fall asleep. You're
216
00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:21,270
going to get your clothes all wrinkled.
217
00:19:21,490 --> 00:19:22,490
Oh, I'm sorry, Pa.
218
00:19:23,470 --> 00:19:24,470
You know what I'll do?
219
00:19:25,270 --> 00:19:27,210
I'll get up early in the morning and
press them.
220
00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:30,610
Good night, lifesaver.
221
00:19:30,910 --> 00:19:32,110
Good night, lifesaver.
222
00:21:28,270 --> 00:21:29,270
I'm going to throw him out.
223
00:21:29,990 --> 00:21:32,250
I'm going to get him to save me the way
I saved him.
224
00:21:33,050 --> 00:21:34,710
I can't explain it. I'll call later. Bye
-bye, honey.
225
00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:37,450
Hey, Felix.
226
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:41,210
Listen, you can empty the trash can now.
I finished typing.
227
00:21:45,170 --> 00:21:46,089
Thank you, Oscar.
228
00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:48,690
Gee, I want to see the Big Dipper
because it's out tonight. I don't want
229
00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:51,670
it. You want me to photograph it for
you? When you come back, you're nice.
230
00:21:51,670 --> 00:21:52,670
right.
231
00:21:53,310 --> 00:21:55,010
Gee, you need a new basket, don't you?
232
00:21:55,750 --> 00:21:57,130
I'll buy you a nice wicker one.
233
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,060
I'll take a course and weave you one.
234
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,380
coming back. Get out of here, will you?
I just came by to see if the chicken
235
00:22:46,380 --> 00:22:48,600
bone thing worked. No, I made boneless
chicken.
236
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,180
Well, it won't work without a bone,
Oscar.
237
00:22:52,660 --> 00:22:54,680
Bye -bye, Murray. Go take some graft,
will you?
238
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,120
Pick up another copy of yesterday's
column because the printer lost a couple
239
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,480
pages. So what are you going to undress
for? Come on, I'll give it to you right
240
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:23,480
now.
241
00:23:59,370 --> 00:24:00,370
under one condition.
242
00:24:00,430 --> 00:24:03,270
If I save your life, you'll never thank
me for saving your life again.
243
00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:04,750
Okay, come on.
244
00:24:31,340 --> 00:24:32,340
from this experience.
245
00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:37,420
How many times in life do you come face
to face with the ultimate reality?
246
00:24:38,900 --> 00:24:42,300
La comedia è finita.
247
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:50,720
I'll tell you frankly, I've never
considered the possibility of Felix
248
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,260
dying. I have.
19791
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