Original subtitles

You were wrong, Murray. You were wrong. Oscar, you should never question the

umpire's decision.

Besides, I'm a policeman, and this badge means I'm honest.

And these thick glasses mean you're blind.

You're a rotten umpire.

What do you mean, rotten?

I tagged the guy out. You call him sick. He comes tearing into me, spikes

flying, throws a gigantic block in my body. Oscar, he was only nine years old.

How long is he going to use that as a cop -out? Oh, come on. Let's forget

the game and let's eat.

Where's Felix?

He's trying to make up with Gloria.

She caught him going through her garbage.

What was he looking for in her garbage?

I don't know how jealous he is. He was probably looking for male heads.

He always drove her crazy.

Well, they must have gotten along sometime. After all, he proposed to her,

didn't he?

Oh, Felix never proposed to her.

She proposed to him?

No.

Who proposed to her?

Me!

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

But why didn't Felix propose to Gloria?

Didn't you ever hear that story? What story?

About me proposing to Gloria. It's a great story in the whole world.

Here, eat a nice sandwich I made for you. I'll tell it to you.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's just that I like it better when Felix makes

the sandwich.

You notice how he trims all of the crust away from the bread?

And how he never put too much mayonnaise on it.

And he only uses just the tender, soft part of the lettuce.

Yeah, find the soft, tender part of the lettuce.

Oscar, tell me about how you proposed to Gloria.

Well, you know, I met Felix in the early 50s. He had just broken up with his

girlfriend, Dorothy, a dietician.

She ran away with Kate Smith's drummer.

Well, I met him one night and he was very depressed and I figured I'd fix him

with a blind date. Somebody I knew would cheer him up.

But he wanted to put it off.

He didn't want to accept a date with a stranger from a stranger. See, but I

talked him into it. I told the girl to meet us here at the apartment.

I figured I'd clean it up nicely.

Hey, Felix, how are you? Come on in.

Nice to see you.

Hey, let me hang up your hat.

Here you go.

Come on in.

I thought we were meeting the girls at your place.

This is my place.

Don't you like it?

It's quaint.

to hang your hat.

You've done everything you could with what's your hat.

Oh, I got an evening lined up for you. It's just great.

What's the matter?

Dorothy.

Dorothy.

Dorothy. I think your needle's stuck.

Dorothy.

Not only broke my heart, she also gave me hiccups.

Well, listen, I didn't think they were catching. Sit down, will you? I'm going

to clean up a little bit for the girls.

She was the first dietician I ever dated.

I break up with a girl, I get drunk. You get the hiccups.

Actually, it was the crying afterwards.

Crying afterwards.

I'm a very emotional man, Oscar.

I cry, I sneeze, I itch.

is my voice.

My body is my own worst enemy.

You'd better relax. Stop worrying about it.

I've lost the hiccups. Yeah, it seems so.

Now they're coming out of your nose.

Symptoms. I'm a math of symptoms.

Whenever I'm nervous, I get I'm nervous about tonight.

What are you nervous about? The deck is stacked in your head. And when I say

stacked... I mean, Spack, where do you see it?

I know, I know you're trying to help me all you can, but I'm always nervous when

I have a blind date.

What do I say to her?

You tell her that she's nice, so she won't think she's cheap.

You want a drink?

No, no, no, no thanks. Make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back.

You said I should make myself comfortable.

Putting away my shirts makes you comfortable?

I hate mess.

Oh, I'm sure glad I don't have to live with you.

There I go.

What? Doing it again.

Somebody befriends me and I alienate him. Oh, no, I was only kidding, Felix.

Look, I'm going to go put on my jacket. Why don't you entertain yourself?

What should I do?

Play some ping pong.

I'm Felix Unger. I'm Gloria Taper. It's so nice to meet you.

Well, it's nice to meet you, too.

Gloria! Listen, you two talk or you'll be right out.

I've heard so much about you. Really?

What have you heard?

I'm sorry.

May I take your coat?

Oh, thank you.

I've been looking forward to this evening all week.

Are you lonely like me?

No, I just like to go out and have a good time.

Ditto. Won't you... Well,

tell me about yourself. Where are you from? What's your background? What does

your father do?

Oh, neither do I.

Such an untidy habit. I hate it. I hate it.

I like tidy habits.

I could tell that just from looking at you. You seem so neat.

I am.

You seem neat, too.

I don't mean that only the way the kids they need.

You look clean.

Can't sign your drink. I'm on an order.

Oh, I'd love one.

Take it out. I'm allergic to olives.

You okay now?

Yeah. You should have seen him ten minutes ago.

Can I... Would you excuse us for just a minute? Certainly.

But leave the olives.

Yeah.

This girl is fantastic.

Great, I'm glad you like her. Yeah, but...

Watch what you say. You could ruin the whole evening.

What do you guess? Not your date.

She's not?

No, I got you the good one.

Oh.

Gloria's a good one.

This one is better.

Better than Gloria?

No contest.

Would you like me to get that?

No, I'll get it.

really starting to go for, huh?

I want to be alone by myself.

I can't abide her.

Are you kidding? You've got a maid in the shade there.

I know that, according to your life, you're helping me all you can, but I

we have slightly different tastes in girls.

I prefer a girl who's quiet and ladylike, attractive and refined.

What for?

I want to be with Gloria.

I can't believe it.

Now, don't blame me. I'm a rotten friend. Go ahead.

Beat me. Flog me.

With what? The spaghetti?

Why?

Well, I'm a rat that suggested I know, but the two of us seem to hit it off.

Well, go figure, people. If that's what you want, you got it.

You don't mind? Of course not. Won't this ruin your evening?

You cannot pray for ruined evenings like this.

But now Aunt Gloria's with you, and that's the end of it.

How are we going to do this? We don't want to offend anybody. Oh, don't worry.

You cool it. I'll take care of everything. Here they come. The main

subtle. Oh, I'll be subtle. They won't know anything about it. Sit down. Did

miss us?

Girls, Felix wants a switch. Gloria, you're with him.

Hey, teach me that chin chopper game, will you? Okay, I'll show you.

Knock on the door.

That's my favorite song.

What are we sitting here for, honey? Let's do it.

Been so miserable all evening.

I know. You didn't touch your dinner.

You noticed?

I know a dietician who couldn't have cared less.

You should eat.

Oh, cannelloni was tough.

The spaghetti was undercooked and... And?

And I love you.

Felix really went all out for it. Took her to the best places, bought her

flowers. He was a perfect gentleman, see?

Now, she figured that he was different from all the guys who took her out

before.

My wife said that to me.

Boy, before she met me, she really dated some dogs.

Tell me the story.

Oh, yeah. Well, everything went well for about a month, see? And one day, I get

a call from Felix at the office. He says to stop by his place after work.

I don't know what's happening, but when I get there, the guy looks like he's

going into cardiac arrest.

Cardiac arrest?

Yeah. Never made one of those.

Eat, Murray, eat.

Anyway, I was very tired. I'd covered two basketball games, one in the

and one at night. See, I was really beat when I got there.

It's a nice place. You live here with your aunt?

I've been waiting for you since 6 .30. It's now 20 minutes of 11.

You told me to come after work. This is after work. I had to cover a ball game.

Well, why didn't you call me if you called me? At least I wouldn't sit here

worrying myself to death. Yeah, I guess I should have called... Wait a minute,

buddy. I don't even call my mother when I'm late. Well, you should.

Wait a minute. I mean, I hardly know you. Don't you have any other friends

could talk to?

I'm sorry. I'm just so... Sit down, please. Just forgive me. I'm nervous

it. I forgot to unwrap your furniture.

It keeps it clean.

It's nice.

Oscar.

Are you listening to me? Yeah.

I need your help, and I need it better. What is this?

You use your cup as an ashtray? It's all right. I got sand in it.

That is about Gloria.

Yes, it's about Gloria.

I've got to marry her.

You've got to marry her?

And fast.

You? A man who covers up every piece of his furniture? Oh, I... I

love her and I want to marry her.

Now tell me, honestly, what do you think?

Well, if you love her, you should marry her.

But I haven't known her all that long and I... I don't know.

Maybe I'm not ready for marriage.

Well, then you shouldn't marry her.

I've got to act.

She's leaving the day after tomorrow for Korea with the USO show.

Maybe she'll meet some hotshot pilot over there.

Les Brown's drummer.

You're right, then you should marry her.

But should I rush into the most important decision of my life?

See, you're right again. You shouldn't marry her.

But I love her.

So tell me, what do you think?

Well, let me sum it up for you.

On one hand, some of the things you say indicate you should marry her. On the

other hand, some of the things you say indicate that you shouldn't marry her.

In other words, some of the things you say indicate you shouldn't matter.

On the other hand, some of the things you say indicate you shouldn't matter.

That's my opinion.

You're very perceptive.

Oh, I'm sure everything will work out. Look, I really got to go. No, I want

opinion on a poem.

Poem? Look, guys and dolls I know about, fairs of the heart, poems I don't know

anything about. I'm going to memorize this and recite this to Gloria. Well,

better have said it. Not to me.

Can't please help me. All right, go ahead. Anne is one of Shakespeare's

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment.

Love is not love which alters when an alteration finds.

Or bends with the remover to remove... Oh, no!

It is an ever -fixed mark that looks untempted and is never shaken. It is...

You seem touched.

Why?

I think my cuff's on fire.

What's the matter? Oh, I forgot you don't drink.

What's the matter?

Your throat?

What's he looking for?

Oh, he lost something. You lost your throat. You lost your voice.

Hurts. Hurts. Hurts. Ooh.

How'd you do it?

What are you doing?

What?

It's a movie.

How many letters?

What does it sound like? Sounds like? Sounds like? Sounds like waves.

It sounds like waves.

It sounds like what? Curves. Curves? Sounds like curves. Curves. Blurbs.

Nerves. Blurbs. Blurbs? Sounds like blurbs. Blurbs. Nerves. Nerves. Nerves.

Nerves over the Pacific.

You nervous from Newark?

Honey, why don't you go play in the sandbox for a minute?

Ring. Third finger, right?

Yeah. Pope, you praying?

No.

Proposing. You're proposing.

To me, you're proposing.

I can't accept it.

Why? You want me to propose?

To you?

To Gloria?

You want me to propose to Gloria? You're crazy. I'm not going to do that.

Look, why don't you go act it out like you did for me? She'll get it. Go ahead.

Why? What's the matter?

You can't read a menu to her?

Oh, you can't recite that poem? It's better you don't recite it. Let her read

it. It'll be better.

That's a better idea. Play the violin.

Me? I don't play the violin.

Oh, it'd be more romantic if I did it, but you're crazy because I'm not going

do it. What's the hurry?

Take a tranquilizer to your throat. The voice will come back. Everything will be

all right.

What is that? Why can't you?

Why can't you?

Because Gloria is flying.

To a Japanese restaurant.

To Korea.

To Korea to entertain General MacArthur, the troops, everything. Yes, I know.

So? And you are going to hang yourself.

Go ahead and do it because I've got a big evening with Mitzi. I'm sorry. I

help you.

What is that?

Thank you for breaking your heart.

Thank me for breaking your heart. Goodbye.

where there's a caring heart.

I'll try to be bad.

I went to see someone. I'll tell you later who it was.

Be right back. What did you do, write her a novel?

Look, I'm sorry. I don't have much time. I left Mitchie in the bar with two

merchant marines and a glassblower.

Now, you know about his neuroses, and now he's so nervous he's lost his voice.

Oh, you poor... Can I do anything for you? What? Yeah, what?

Me. Oh, yeah. Go on the way over. He wrote a whole lot of instructions for

Here it is. Now, I gotta get it over because I don't have much time, okay?

One, get on me.

Okay.

What's the difference where I get on the knee?

One,

get on knee.

Two, bubbly, bubbly.

Oh, Gloria, I want to... Well,

that kind of bubbly.

Would you get the music, please?

Oh, that's hard.

Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly.

Oh, how sweet our song.

Yes, I know. It says here, four, romantic.

Romantic.

I guess you wonder why Felix asked you here, right? Well, I had been planning

packing, but he said it was important.

Yeah. Well, it's because he thinks you are one great chick, and he would like

you... What?

No, I'm not going to do it. I don't care. I don't care, Jose Greco. I'm not

going to do it.

I know

it

seems crazy to you, but Felix wanted this to be a perfect night for you.

A night that you'd remember forever. That's the kind of guy you see. I

known him a long time, but I know he's a generous, thoughtful, loving guy.

And he would break his back to make anybody happy. And he'd do anything in

world to make you happy.

See, I think he's kind of a special person.

He thinks you're kind of a special person. And I think together, you could

special people.

Gloria, I'm saying this so lousy, but... Gloria, will you marry Felix?

I'd love to!

So, Felix got his voice back in time to say, I do, and that was it.

Oh, Oscar.

I'm such a pushover for a love story.