Original subtitles

Kings and tens with an ace kicker. What have you got, Oscar?

Wake up, Oscar.

Wake up. What have you got?

What have you got? Three fours.

You win again.

Okay, this time the game's really over.

You mean you'd send a man home without giving him a chance to get even? I've

never known you to do this, Oscar.

You'd never know me to do anything.

We never met before last night.

Yeah, but you'd like me right away.

Yeah, Midnight, I loved you. At 5 a .m., I was fond of you, and I forgot who you

came with. My friend. My friend. What's his name? Oh, yeah, yeah. Listen, do me

a favor. Go home, will you? If you've got a home. If not, look, I'll give you

some money for a hotel room. One more hand.

By talking to a wall, look, you've got no chips, you've got no money, you don't

even have paper to write IOUs with.

It's time to quit.

One more.

Look at that. Felix is waking up.

It's a 7 .30 house.

I set my watch by his nose.

I bet you his nose is fast.

Who is this?

What's going on here? Look at this room.

Looks like the bottom of a river. Come on, let's get out.

What? Is the game still going on?

Who is this man?

I don't know. He's a friend of somebody's.

Everybody's a friend of somebody.

You want to sing?

Good morning, sir.

My name is Felix Unger. Oh, pleased to meet you. Come on, Oscar, we'll deal him

in. Deal him in? What are you going to deal him in when you've got nothing to

bet? Yes, I do. When did Chinese food come in here? One o 'clock this morning.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but I'm putting up golden earrings.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Not his wife's jewelry.

Charlie, you know what you're doing? I know what I'm doing.

Who cares?

Oscar, Oscar. Oscar, no. You're losing against golden earrings, okay? Oscar,

you're thinking as low as a man can think. What up? Will you feel it? Okay,

cards showdown. Yeah, what have you got? A pair of threes.

How about a hand of casino?

One more deal, Oscar. I feel lucky. Game is over.

I'll play it for my contact lenses. I'll catch a high card for you.

poor chicken little?

You're the perfect host, aren't you? You take everything a man owns, then you

throw him out. If I had any strength left, I'd throw you out too.

You should have seen the look in your eyes when you took his wife's jewelry.

What jewelry?

Golden earrings is a dog.

A dog?

You took a man's pet?

Not a pet, a professional racing dog. Felix, that is all mine. Look.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

This is dog city, huh? Yeah.

Poor dog.

He's going to miss his master.

He's going to miss the guy who lost him in a poker game.

Felix, racing dogs aren't like regular dogs.

You put them in a kennel and you race them. It's inhuman. We're not dealing

humans. No, we're not.

Felix, they treat these dogs very nicely. They give them good food, lots

exercise, a nice... What about somebody don't love them?

Somebody just stroke their backs and scratch them and say, nice doggy,

How many people have that? Okay,

now, what can I do for you?

Are you the owner?

No, I'm a cocker spaniel. What do you mean?

Well, I like to see my dog. I'm the new owner of Golden Earring.

I don't know from names.

You got a kennel number? Oh, yeah, I do have a slip.

Can't you identify them by their names?

Look, mister, I got 1 ,200 dogs here.

I only know numbers.

I got trouble remembering my kids' names.

What's your name? 56, 72?

Oh, yeah, 724. Wait a minute. I'll get them for you.

Frank,

send up 724.

A man's picture should be posted in every pet shop in the country.

Cut it out, Felix.

If he had his way, we'd all be in cages with the number.

With my luck, I'd be 10 and you'd be 11.

There he is. There's 724.

Oh, look at him. Look at him. Look at him.

Look at those legs. Look at those ribs.

Are you the new owner? Yeah, that's right.

That'll be $400.

That'll be what'll be $400?

That's what the former owner still owes me in kennel fees.

Of course, that includes the flea collars, too, you see.

That dirty, stupid chisel. Look at that. That's the guy.

What did I tell you about letting strange people into the house?

Yeah, you think I would have learned after you.

You don't get that kind of money.

You don't get that kind of dog?

Well, can I pay it off by the month?

This is a dog, not a Jeep.

I can raise about $200, I think I got. No, no, I'm sorry. I'll give you the

other $200. You will? Yes, I will.

Sure you will. It'll make you half boner. What's the catch?

That we take him home and give him the love and the food that he hasn't been

getting here.

Look, Father Flanagan, I don't have to make this noise, you know, from

civilians.

I just want to restore his dignity to him, Feather 24.

Listen. Don't mind him. He's an animal freak. He tries to break up wars between

two anthills.

That's my offer.

Half the money for half the dog. Take it or leave it. What kind of a choice do I

have? I'll take it. You won't be sorry. Yes, I will.

Here we go, golden earrings. Here's your new home. This is the living room. I

don't know, Felix. Keeping a racing dog in an apartment. Hang up my coat.

Here, I'll show you Uncle Oscar's desk. This is it.

This is the television set. We'll watch Lassie together.

Now, I know we should have put him in a kennel. No chance.

And the landlord was very happy to have him here, too. Sure, for $50. For $100,

you'd let us keep an alligator in here.

Here's the sofa. The sofa is a no -no.

Now, I'm going to show you the kitchen.

Look at this kitchen. Isn't this a beautiful kitchen?

This is where you'll have your food bowl and your water bowl.

I think you'd better show them where the bathroom is. Why?

The big boy wants to go outside.

No, no, that is not I want to go outside. That is, will you get me a

water, Uncle Field?

Will you get me a drink of water, Uncle Field? Yes, you want some water?

I'll get it for you because I love you.

Would you two like to be alone?

I'm not ashamed to lavish a little affection on this love -starved animal.

This is not a lap dog. He's an athlete, a pro. Don't you like this dog? I know.

No, no. All dogs are different. Like, people are different.

I never met a dog I didn't like.

I'm sure they speak very highly of you, too.

Felix, of course we're going to race the dog.

You know, we'll be nice to him, but we should race him because it's a lot of

fun. You make a lot of money. Ah, money. What about him?

Him is a dog, a professional dog, different from other dogs. I know about

difference. They make them chase a rabbit around a metal circle. It's

No, they don't make them chase a rabbit. They love to do it. That's what they

were born to do. How do you know?

Were you there in the box seat in the creation, in the beginning of

Were you?

I'm not going to argue with you. The dog wants his drink.

Your own cereal bowl?

You won't even let me use it.

Golden Earring. Where are you? Where are you, Golden Earring?

Maybe he doesn't like the way you kissed.

That means that he liked me.

He likes me all over my room, right?

No, not all over. He just got a little bit nervous.

Why my room?

Maybe he wanted to pick out a place nobody would notice.

Let me see how fast you can get it, baby. Go get it! Let me see how fast...

Oh, boy,

you're having fun together, aren't you? He's a fun dog.

Did you hear what he said? I got your present. Here, look.

What'd you get? Look.

What is that, leashes? Yeah. Look at all those leashes. Yeah, every dog needs a

leash. Seven leashes with matching collars?

Would you wear the same suit every day?

Yes, you would.

And that for the dog, too? Yeah.

You're kidding. What am I having, kibble?

Oh, now, Felix, I know you're a very big, strong, wonderful person. I know

can take constructive criticism.

I'm going to be very delicate. Yes.

It's the way you're handling the dog. Yes.

It's rotten.

That's delicate. That's constructive.

Well, I'll be more specific. It's the way you're feeding him. You're giving

too much. He could use a few pounds.

Who wants to see a fat greyhound?

Felix, you're ruining his racing form.

Oh, that again. Yes, that again. The season starts tomorrow in Boston and

We could be in Boston in a now. I've told you I will have nothing to do with

that barbaric racing. What's barbaric? Taking a dog up to Boston and racing

It's breathing in Boston now.

You'll make him a sweater.

You'll be the only Argyle dog on the track. Will you stop pounding? It's like

talking to a shoemaker.

Listen, I want to take the dog to Boston and I want an answer. The answer is no.

That's not the answer I want.

Because you don't love golden earrings. All you want to do is exploit them. See,

that's where you're wrong. I do love them. I do love them. And after he wins

couple of purses, I'll love them more. No.

Why no?

Listen, half that dog is mine.

Fine. Go race your half. My half stays here.

He'll think we're in Boston, but we'll be in Miami.

It's easy if you don't look back.

Uncle Oscar's going to buy you some wawa, and if you win some races, I'm

to buy you some champagne wawa.

Is Mel around?

I'm Mel. Oh, how am I? I'm Oscar Madison. I called you last night from

about my dog. Oh, yes.

Hi, Mr. Madison.

Great to know you. I love your comment. Everything is all set for you. Oh, no

kidding. What race are we in? Fourth race. Oh, that's great. Hold it.

You're entered in the fourth as an also eligible.

If one of the dogs is scratched, yours goes.

But don't count on it.

Well, can't you do something about it? Tell one of the dogs he's out? What do

you want me to do? Lie to a dog?

I came all the way from... New York.

So did everyone else in Miami.

Don't worry about it. I'll see what I can do.

You know, I like Golden Earrings. He used to be one of the greatest.

Used to be? What do you mean, used to be? In 69, he won $15 ,000 in purses.

Luke, and when's the last time he won a purse? In 69.

What happened in 70, 71?

Butterflies. When his dummy, he gets nervous. No, no, no. He chased them.

While the other dogs were chasing the rabbit, he was chasing butterflies.

Do you know something?

Sometimes he caught one.

You know, Marv, what does he taste like? You got any other good news to tell me?

There's a $50 entrance fee.

I had to ask.

Okay, if there are any scratches, I'll be in the clubhouse.

Okay. Or on the track with a butterfly net.

Oscar?

Oscar! How are you, anyway?

It's me, Salty. Salty Pepper.

So... Yes. Look at you.

Why are you so surprised? I always look this terrific.

Hey, sit down. Sit down.

Oh, and do you remember the last time I saw you? Do I remember? It was my lucky

day. After I left you, I won $1 ,100 from the cab driver.

I've been on a winning streak ever since. No kidding. Which reminds me, you

thought I forgot, huh? Forgot what? You thought I'd forget I know you. Here it

is. One, two, three, 400 to cover the kennel fees, and two more for the IOUs.

Oh, I tore them up. You're a nice person.

Hey, you must be here to race golden earrings, eh? I gotta run because I'm

racing a dog too. I'll see you later, huh?

Listen, how did you win $1 ,100 from a cab driver? Oh, he bet me he wouldn't

robbed. So I robbed him.

We had a scratch in the fork. Oh, no kidding. What happened?

Well, the plane that the dog was on was hijacked to Cuba. Oh, that's great.

You can put golden earrings in.

Let me check your ownership papers.

Boston Oscar.

Phoenix? Yes, Phoenix.

Everything is settled. Your dog goes in the fort. Don't you need two signatures,

both owners for that?

Yes. Okay, sign it, Phoenix.

I should live so long.

Now, come back in a couple of minutes.

I'll either have two signatures or a plaid corpse.

Now that you're here, I know the dog could win.

You have a way with him. You talk the same language. Do you know that you have

unlimited gall?

You'd have been a great used car salesman.

Oh, I mean it. Before you came, the dog was sulking. He saw you, he perked right

up. He likes me. He's always glad to see me. So what?

It's more than glad to see. You've given him the confidence he needs. He wants

to show you how well he can do.

Stop it, dog napper.

He wants to come home for you, a winner. He wants to take a picture with you in

the winner's circle.

He'll have a wreath around his neck.

He doesn't like flowers.

How about a wreath around your neck?

How about my fingers around your neck?

Listen, you sign the paper and I'll make it worth your while.

You have the audacity to bribe me? No, I have the money to bribe you.

Why is this so important to you? The results of the third race are official.

Diamond stick pin is the winner.

Oscar? Felix?

Just won $800.

Aha, that's what's so important to you, isn't it? Yeah, the money, the money.

The only motivation you know is greed.

No, Felix.

I've always had a dream. You know what it is? You and Tuesday Well are the sole

survivors of a nuclear holocaust.

Oh, no, not that dream.

I mean the sports writer's dream.

Look, every young sports writer wants a big Joe Namath.

Then when you get older, you want to own Joe Namath. See, all my buddies, they

want to own the Mets or the Giants, but see, I never shot for the moon, Felix.

All I ever wanted to own was a racehorse.

Well, why didn't you?

Well, I couldn't afford it.

I still can't, so I'm down to a greyhound racing dog.

Maybe as close as I ever come.

You own half my green, Felix.

Just one. Just this one. Just this one race, you understand? Yeah, yeah, you're

my true friend. Anything you want. What do you want? I'll do it for you.

Anything? Anything.

I want a madras shirt and some Bermuda shorts.

You got it. You got it. Just sign it.

Better get me some cotton socks. Cotton, yes. I got you. Support hoes. Sign

there.

Nice little sandals. Yes, my open toes. Sign right there. Some of that zinc

stuff from my nose. Yeah, I know. Your brains. Just sign the name. You think I

need a hat? Yeah, I got you.

Ostrich feathers will look nicer. Just sign the name.

Fifteen minutes to post time for the fourth race.

Gee, I'd really like to make a bet.

You really think he's got a chance?

Of course he's got a chance.

How come he's 99 to 1?

Oscar, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, he's coming out of his love. I'm even

betting on him. You are? How much?

Two. Two? Two? Two hundred dollars? Two hundred dollars. Okay, I'll bet two

hundred dollars on him, too. And then I'll pray for a fast butterfly.

Oscar,

we have to hurry.

fit and right off the dummy, too. We have to choose racing colors and the

for golden earrings.

I don't want to put a bet down. You take care of that. No, no, no, no. You're

not going to put this off on me. Then if he loses, you blame me.

I'll place your bet there. All right, listen. Put 50 across the board and 50

the nose, okay? You want to make a bet on your dog? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, I

a bet on my dog. Okay, what do you want? One, two?

Uh... Two.

I bet there's two dollars.

Yes, on the nose.

Hey, this could really tilt the odds.

Help me choose a number and a color for golden earrings.

Just pick a number. That's all.

Come on, any number.

Four. Four. No, no, no. I don't like four. Four is... I don't know.

One.

One. No, no. One is so lonely.

Come on. You must have a number. Six, maybe? No, no. I don't like six.

Don't you have a favorite number?

No, no. I never had a favorite number. Isn't that funny? When I was a kid, all

the kids had a favorite number and a lucky number. I never had any... Tell me

number you hate.

Sixty -eight. Sixty -eight? That's a good number to hit. All right. Sixty

-eight, six from eight to two. Two, two, two. Wait, wait, wait. It's a color.

Color. All right. Pick any color. Come on.

Come on. Oh, isn't this terrible when you have to name when you can't?

Come on. We've got primary colors. Why?

I can't. Blue. Blue. No, no, no. He doesn't like blue.

What? The rug on my bedroom is blue. He likes blue.

Well, yellow then. Yellow. Yellow. No, no, no. Yellow is too cowardly. Well,

come on. Any kind of. The trouble with blue is that it's not basic enough.

That's it.

Black. Black is basic.

Maybe we can have two colors, black and blue.

Those are the colors you're going to be if you don't make up your mind.

I don't like brown.

You don't like brown? Yeah, I like brown. No, no, no.

We'll take the opposite of brown, purple.

The opposite of brown is purple?

Wait, wait, wait. What's our number? Two, two, two.

Not the color and not the number we want.

That's what you get.

All right, forget it. It's not important to me. I can talk to him. Yes, yes,

yes.

Now be careful. Be real careful and don't get hurt. And win. And don't be as

scared of the other dogs. Whether you win or lose, I know I'll be proud of

But winning is better. Because I love you.

gypsy bites.

Goldie, he was ninth in a field of eight.

Yeah. But this time he caught the butterfly and got back in the race.

You want me to get my $200 back. I have to go back to my other dream, Tuesday

Weld and the H -bomb.

I'm going to drive him out. Yes.

I've never seen him so happy.

Of course he's happy. Who's happy? You two guys are happy? How come I'm so

miserable? You are right, Oscar. He's got racing in his blood. Then he needs a

transfusion.

Don't talk. Today is a...

Turning point. The only turning point for me was when he became a loser.

You got to turn your back on him just because he loves... That dog loves to

race, and I'm going to race him. And I'll bet you beat him.

You can give me advice. Yes.

Now, where do I go with him? Where do I take him from here? Well, you got your

circuit, you know. You got Miami, you got Boston, you got Mexico, you got

Arizona. You don't know that route.

Hey, hey, hey.

You want to sell him? You want to buy him?

Yeah. He showed good form. My other dog needs company. And besides, I'm with

him. I'll give you a thou for him. A thousand dollars?

Well, all right, on one condition. A thousand dollars is a great condition.

the condition that you love him and you take good care of him and you never bet

him in a card game. Word of honor. Do you want to go double or nothing?

Here's your $450.

Where's my other $50? You're wearing it.

You want something to remember him by? Yeah.

I'll give you my bedroom rug.