Original subtitles

Hiya, Bill.

Dick, you're home.

You working?

No, actually, I'm trying to play NOLO on my typewriter.

You got a cold?

Oh, boy.

Either that or I'm allergic to you.

You're not going to stay here long, are you?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am. I'm going to work for about three hours

at least three o 'clock.

And then I'm going to get ready for the poker game.

What poker game?

Oh, I didn't tell you. A bunch of sports writers are coming into town to cover

the big fight tomorrow night, and we're going to have a big game here this

afternoon.

Oh, you're joking.

Why would I joke about a thing like that?

I'd invite you to sit in, but I know your mother doesn't like you to play

strangers.

Don't you know what day this is?

Yes, Saturday.

This is the 27th. Right.

Don't you know what happens here this afternoon?

I told you I know.

I'm going to work till 3 o 'clock, then there's going to be a big game here.

This is Edna's birthday.

Oh, your kid, yeah.

Yeah. You never listen to me. For a whole week I've been telling you that

year Glory is letting me make Edna's birthday party.

Well, I didn't make the connection. Because you never listen to me. My life

means nothing to you.

This is a very big day for me. My little girl's 10th birthday.

I wish you were happy for me.

I can't have a little girl's birthday party while you're having a poker game.

That's right Felix, you can't.

That's your answer.

That's right Felix, you can't.

When you know how important this is to me.

What am I supposed to do? They're coming from all over the country. Charlie

Furman's coming from the West Coast. Al Brown's coming from Vegas. I'm very

sorry. You're going to have to cancel your game, that's all.

You're out of your mind. Do you know you're out of your mind? I'm not going

cancel the biggest poker game of my life. Well, I'm not giving up my little

girl's birthday party.

Happy birthday will be sung to Edna today in this house.

And it will be sung by four grubby old men who'll be betting on our ocean.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Look, we've got to get this thing settled.

Edna will be here at the minute.

Are you listening to me?

I'm listening, I'm listening.

As far as I'm concerned, it's settled.

I hate to pull rank on you, Phoenix, but this is my apartment.

And I have priority on all social events, and this happens to be a big

pay half the rent here.

I'll give you back today's rent, no problem.

Oscar, where's your heart?

What's more important, a poker game or a little girl's birthday party?

Is that your final answer, Oscar?

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Beneath that stained shirt, there is no heart.

All right.

you win, I can't fight.

It's a nice day.

I have a party in the park.

Beautiful, Phoenix. You see how easy it is?

On one condition.

What condition?

That you'll take care of Edna for a couple of hours while I go out. I have

pick up the cake. I have to interview a clown.

You're going to interview a clown?

You're nothing today if you don't have a clown at a birthday party. It's a big

surprise. I have to go down to his office and interview him.

Where's his office? In a tent?

It's very clever.

Well, will you do it?

Yeah, I'll do it, but I... But, but, but, don't tell me you're reluctant to

one little favor. I'm not reluctant.

It's just that... Well, I don't think your kid likes me. Who, Edna? I don't

think she likes to have me around.

She loves you.

Oh, yeah. The last time she was here, didn't she bring you a present? Yeah, a

can of room freshener.

Thought that counts.

Now, it's her birthday.

Be nice to her.

Hey!

Look at it. What have you got?

Licorice whips. Two blacks and two reds. Oh, yeah.

I bet you brought one for Uncle Oscar, didn't you? No.

Give him a nice big hug.

Hello, Uncle Oscar.

Now,

just

for my records, Mr. Unger, would you mind revealing the source of your

reference? Uh, Mr.

Bennett. I believe you did his son Mark's birthday party.

Mark Bennett?

Last spring, yes. Oh, Mark Bennett.

So many kids are named Mark these days, it's hard for me to keep up with them.

Well, I suppose it's not important. Oh, but it is. For recommending you, Mr.

Bennett is entitled to one free jelly bean trick.

He's easy to get in touch with. He's vice president of the Chase Manhattan

Chase Manhattan Bank?

One free jelly bean trick.

Sherman the Clown, huh? Yeah, well, when I got into show business, I promised my

father I wouldn't change my name.

Well, the party's going to be at 3 o 'clock in the Children's Zoo at Central

Park.

Okay, I'll be there.

Now, what would you like to have me wear? These pictures will sort of give

an idea.

Anna!

Anna!

Anna, honey.

Could you turn the sub down a little bit, please? If I make it any softer, I

won't be able to hear it.

I can hear it great in my bedroom. I've got the door closed.

Okay, okay.

And honey, honey, honey, could you stick to one channel instead of all that

changing? I feel like I'm living in a time tunnel.

You won't let me have any fun.

It's my birthday.

When is the party going to start? As soon as your daddy gets here, honey,

Your shirt's out.

Yeah, I got a hole in my pants.

Oh!

The bear suit's very nice.

How about the bear suit?

No, that's out.

A couple of vicious children attacked that bear suit five years ago. Well,

your basic clown, then. Basic clown. All right.

Now, will you be wanting the jelly bean trick?

Is that extra?

65 cents.

Plus the jelly beans. Throw that in there. Throw that in there.

All right. This is just little girls, you know. Oh, there's no rough stuff in

this. Oh, and those little girls just love my flopsy -mopsy dance. That's 350.

Flopsy -mopsy dance?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Oh,

I'm glad you stopped me. Thanks.

Now.

Will you be wanting my biggie, the one I'm really famous for, the one that

fails? What is your biggie?

Well, my shoes explode.

Yeah, that's $12 .55.

Is it messy?

Only on my socks.

All right, throw it in. Want that, too. All right, fine. Well, just a moment,

Mr. Rugga. Now, let's see.

Basic clown.

Lobster muffin.

Jelly bean.

Jelly bean.

Let's just say 15 bucks for the afternoon, okay?

What is it? Oh!

Again? How can you live like this?

I practice.

What is it, honey?

There's nothing good on TV.

This is New York. There are 52 channels. I know I heard them all today.

Go ahead, honey. Go out and watch.

That's on now. Oh, that's pretty good.

What are you, a giraffe?

Hey, there's a blue stain on your rug.

Oh, that's the original color.

You mean the rest is all one big stain?

Here's a half a tuna fish sandwich. Here, go eat in the living room.

Yes! Can I watch the work?

I need to watch. I'm just piping.

There's a difference that's an attitude.

There's only one.

How can you be a writer if you don't know how to spell?

Spelling's got nothing to do with writing.

Mrs. Lang says spelling is very important.

Well, you tell Mrs. Lang it's impossible to spell and write at the same time.

You make a lot of mistakes, don't you? All those X's?

Those aren't X's. Those are kisses from my editor.

Report me tomorrow, huh?

My daddy said someday you were going to disappear in this room and they'd never

find you.

Someday your daddy's going to disappear.

How can you ever find anything?

Honey, I know where everything is. It's called cross -filing. Here's a sock,

right? Now, this sock is here. That means the other sock is in the laundry,

One is in the laundry, one is here. That's how I know where everything is.

will you please be quiet over here?

sloppy but funny.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, the game is still on three o 'clock.

Yeah, all the guys are coming. You got the address?

Good. Bring a lot of money because the cards are going to be flying. I'm going

to win back all that money.

Yeah. Right. Three o 'clock. Bye -bye.

Uncle Oscar, don't you know that gambling is against the law?

Don't you like ice cream?

Sure.

Felix has got all kinds of ice cream neatly packed right in the freezer. Why

don't you go...

to in case of fire.

Hey, Phoenix, when did you get back?

Just a little while ago. I got everything. I got the party favors. I

cake, which I am now decorating myself.

Personal touch.

Look, I'm making roses.

And I got the clown. Oh, she's going to be so happy.

It was like you never left.

You had fun, huh?

What are you making?

Sandwiches for the fellas. You want one? Yeah.

Hey, hurry up. William and Felix are going to be here any minute. What do you

want me to do, leave without Edna?

She's dressing. We'll be out of here in three minutes. But I want you to hurry.

Look what you did.

You made me spoil my rose.

Tell them it's a red mushroom.

But hurry, will you? I feel lucky today. I'm going to win back all that money.

Children care.

I care.

I want this to be a day she'll always remember.

I hope it's a day I'm going to always want to remember.

What should I say here, huh?

What do you got?

I've got happy birthday. That's it. No, no, no. It should be happy birthday to

the... Phoenix, it's a cake. It's not a portrait. I'll show you. What are you

doing? Careful of the mushrooms.

What are you writing?

Happy birthday, Edna. That's it.

Well, I could have done that.

You did perfect. I'm a writer. Trust me.

but it says it.

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, look at the birthday girl. Oh, she looks so beautiful. You look so pretty,

Edna. Look what we've got here.

What's that?

It's your birthday cake.

Happy birthday, Edna.

Don't you like it?

It's simple, but it says it.

There we go. I'm out.

You're out. Come on, hurry in or out. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. That means

he's out. No, no, no, no, wait, wait. Hey, would you believe it? Yesterday I

playing beside a big movie star swimming pool.

Well, I'll fill up the tub and put on my fourth eyelash.

Come on, will you hurry up?

All right, look, I'll see you.

Raise your 50.

I'll bump you. I can't get a break with these. I call.

I got the flush.

It's really raining out there. You forgot about the rain? Sit down. I want

give you a small point in the weather report.

Well, it's only a thunderstorm.

It'll stop soon. You can go back in the park.

Are you joking?

You'd send us back to that wet park?

You'd risk six cases of pneumonia for a poker game?

Of course.

How long are they going to stay here? Till I get my 350 bucks back, I might

all night.

Hey, fellas, I see something there that could save my life. Can I have it? Oh,

thank you.

What do we play? We play five cards? Yeah. How many cards do you get? I'm

Oscar. I'm open.

Are these your reporter friends? Yeah. All right. Well, I didn't know. How much

is in the file? What's the limit on this file?

Gentlemen, my name is Felix Unger. How do you do?

Come on. I share this apartment when it rains.

I raise you $10.

Likewise. Later,

there'll be some cake.

It's the only 10th birthday she'll ever have.

Felix, I remember my 10th birthday. My father had a poker game. He sent us all

to the movies.

What is that, an anecdote or a suggestion?

I'll pay for the cab fare. Why don't you take him to a nice, warm, dry movie?

There are five movies in this neighborhood.

Four X's and an R.

You want me to sing happy birthday to my 10 -year -old daughter while two people

are groaning in Swedish?

Well, you better do something. The kids are getting chocolate all over the

money. Take your card game into your room.

What's the matter?

Are you ashamed?

No, it's just a lot of money involved, that's all. Hey, Oscar, we can't play

here with these kids. There's another room we can go to.

All right, yeah, we can play in my bedroom. It's not the greatest place to

That's why I left the door open. Well, where are we going to play?

On the bed.

Well, where is it?

Very funny guy.

I'm changing my luck. I'm getting right over here. Okay, here we go.

$20. This place reminds me of Cupid's jail I was in once.

Twice. I got a good memory.

What is it, Chairman?

Well, they're playing the pin the tail on the donkey. Got time for a couple of

hands. Will you let me in? No, no.

with the kids, you know. Yeah, I wanted to be a clown once. I even stole the

makeup.

What if Barnum and Bailey really loved you? Oh, you... Hey, hey,

look out! Look out!

Felix!

Felix! What?

Get in there!

What's going on?

Ever came in there? She stuck a pin in everybody.

Will you keep the party in the other room, please? What are you doing in

need you in there to entertain.

Come on. I didn't even have to finish this game.

What is this? Come on.

I hired this man as a clown.

Look, I'll give you 15 bucks back. I quit.

Who is this pet? That's all right.

This pet happens to live here.

And this pet hired this clown to entertain at this pet's daughter's

party.

Surely you remember children, sir. When you were young, you used to beat them

up.

Auspicious kids, eh? What about that pin on the back of my head? They're born

with pin to tail on the ducky. Do something else. Now, look, buddy, you

gotten the repertoire that you paid for. Yes, I gave you the jelly bean trick. I

gave you the flop to my front. In the park is wet. Have a good time. We're

to be rolling. I won't give him your dickie when your shoes explode.

What, with my socks wet? You want me to burn my feet?

Look, I've given you all these funny gags. I gave you five rain ad -libs that

didn't cost you anything. What kind of clown are you, anyway?

When I was a kid, I looked up to clowns. I thought they were wonderful people,

so free.

They did everything for love.

You're the first clown I ever saw with an adding machine.

What is this world coming to? All right.

All right, don't get yourself in an uproar.

I'll give you another free bit.

All right, girls, we're going to play. We're going to have fun.

by once, and I'll start you out. One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. I'm in.

What happened? I don't believe this is happening. I'm supposed to be

Because if I see you dozing for one second, I'm going to kill you.

Children! Children!

Don't play in the dirt.

What's happening?

We're leaving. We want to play someplace else. Where?

Sherman's office on 10th Avenue. You can have the whole place to yourself. Oh,

Oscar! You're not taking my clown away.

He's the big winner.

Uncle Oscar?

Where's Sherman?

Why did Sherman go?

Well, he didn't feel well, so he had to go home.

Oh, we'll have fun. We'll have fun.

You'll like this.

Once upon a time, a young man went down to the corner to mail a letter.

And so we learned that you can't mail a letter without a stamp.

Isn't that interesting?

Yeah. It's the story of stamps.

Beautiful. What do you want to do now?

I want to go home, Mr. Unger. Oh, no, but we haven't had our cake yet. I don't

want any cake. Yes, you do. Sit up. Sit up like a nice young lady.

I took the leaves off it, honey.

I know what we'll do. Let's sing songs.

Let's sing songs. Yeah.

Let's sing around.

Do you all know Row, Row, Row Your Boat? Do you know? Yeah. Let's sing that.

We'll have fun. You'll see.

I think it's time you go to bed.

Okay.

Thank you, Daddy.

Good night.

And thank you, Uncle Oscar.

There are many things about you that bug me, but you're a swell clown, and I'm

glad you're Daddy's best friend.

Thank you.

You see?

So you lost a couple of hundred dollars, but you made a child happy.