Original subtitles

Oh, do you like the radio songs? Yeah.

Who's that little chatterbox?

The one with pretty auburn locks.

Who can it be?

It's Little Orphan Annie.

How do you do, everybody?

How do you do?

The Happiness Boys, Billy Jones and Ernie Hare.

Hey, you're very good. That's terrific.

When people find out I've taken your picture for TV Guide, they're all going

ask me one question.

And what is that question, Felix?

What is David Steinberg really like?

What is David Steinberg really like?

I'm entirely different.

That's priceless.

Hello? Yes, he is. Yes, he is. Just one moment, please.

And now, here's David.

Hello? Oh, that.

It's a little hard to explain.

Yes. Who we got?

Stasia Wozniak, the Polish discus champ?

I read about her. No, no, I don't think so, Phil.

No, no one would. Hold on a second.

Felix, would you watch my show if I had Stasia Wozniak, the Polish discus champ?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you could be very, very funny with her.

She teach you how to toss the discus? Yeah.

Phil, book her on the show.

That's right.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just think I'd be very funny with her. You know, she...

Teach me how to throw the discus.

Yeah.

All right, we'll book him on the show, too.

The guy who wrote the article on her.

What's his name?

Oscar Madison.

Yeah.

He's got to be here within the next hour because he's got a lot of preparing to

do.

Felix, we'll see him a little later on if you don't mind. I can get him for

Oscar Madison. I can get him.

You can have Oscar Madison here this afternoon? I'll see him.

Where? In my living room, my bathroom. I live with a guy. He's my roommate.

You live with Oscar Madison? Yeah.

Phil, forget it. I've got a guy here from Deliverhead.

Yeah?

Just as soon as he goes to the bathroom, we've got him.

Great,

Phil. Bye -bye.

Now, Felix, you're sure we can have Oscar Madison this afternoon?

Guaranteed. You've got Oscar Madison on your show tonight.

Oscar.

Oscar!

Oscar! I'm not going on the show tonight.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Don't you realize what an honor it is to be asked to be on that show?

Besides, I promised David you'd do it. I committed myself.

You've committed yourself a long time ago.

They want you on the show. They need you.

What are you doing in my kitchen sink?

Sweat socks.

You're doing them yourself?

Yes. In my kitchen sink? Why?

The laundry refused them.

The main thing is you've got to go on that show tonight.

Why? Oscar, you're...

You're a very entertaining guy.

You're the kind they love on those shows. You talk without thinking.

I'm a writer, not a talker. The whole thing scares me. Oh, so that's it.

scared. Oh, boy, if they asked me to go on one of those shows, I wouldn't be

scared. There's 40 million people watching you, watching every move you

scares the pants off. You see that? You see? It scares the pants off. You see

how you turn a phrase?

That would be screams.

He'll sit you down. You'll talk about this. What are you doing? Forget it. I'm

not going to the show.

I promised you. It'll make me look like a fool.

Better you than me, buddy.

You're a funny man.

Funny, funny man.

How am I a funny, funny man?

It's your habits. It's the way you... Now, look.

You light your cigar at the stove, washing your sweat socks in the kitchen.

funny. A minute ago, you were ready to kill me for it. I know, but people don't

have to live with you think that's funny.

Everybody I tell about you laughs their head off.

You tell people about me? Yeah.

What do you tell them? Well, I tell them, I don't know.

How you throw your clothes around, how you pack a suitcase, how you eat. People

love you for that. It's funny.

I'll do it. All right, I'll do it. Oh, but don't count me. Great, great, great.

I had to drive around it.

We're back now.

And I'd like to bring out the man who brought Stasha to the attention of the

American public.

Not only that, he helped inspire her defection.

He's a very fine columnist from the New York Herald. Would you welcome, please,

Oscar Mattson.

Yes, I said no.

Oh.

I don't want you to be frightened from that, Oscar. The reason that's there is

because you were talking into your tie and we couldn't hear you. Sorry.

It's all right.

Let me ask you.

Have you ever written an article and then decided against printing it?

Miss the Polish girl?

It was the time that Bummy Davis was fighting and I... Oh, no, I printed that

article, so I guess... I guess that wouldn't apply to women.

When I come in the house, I throw my clothes on the floor a lot and I eat in

a lot.

Did you understand that?

connection. Neither do I, but that's what he told me to say.

Oh, someone told you to say these things.

You mean to say you had help with these answers?

Well, who was it, Oscar?

Felix Dunga.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Felix Dunga. Hey, Felix, that's you.

I understand.

Now, this really is quite a coincidence, but this afternoon...

I was having my picture taken by Mr. Madison's roommate, Felix Unger. He's a

photographer. 380 Madison Avenue, Portland Special.

Mr. Madison's services for the show tonight, and Felix made all the

arrangements. Isn't that basically what happened?

That's exactly what happened.

Mr. Steinberg, you're so wonderful and articulate. No, really, I mean, you're

marvelous, Mr. Steinberg.

Mr. Steinberg now is fawning all over. I just can't watch it. He's ruining

everything I told him.

He's very well organized, isn't he, Oscar?

You know, I noticed that he takes his used flashbulbs and he puts them back

into the carton. And he has them so neatly stacked.

The same way at home it's like living with a chipmunk.

American soldier during World War II to receive a medal from the German army.

From the German army? Yeah, he was a prisoner of war and the Nazis voted his

camp the most hygienic.

He's quite great now. Oh, my. I never accepted that medal. I threw it back in

their faces.

That's the biggest worry ward in the world, you know. A chain of drug stores

voted him the hypochondriac of the year.

As a matter of fact, he...

Well, he gets very nervous, and he begins to honk a lot, you see, when he's

low. He found out he was allergic to aspirin. He went around all day honking.

What is honking? Oh, David, can I stand up?

It's all yours.

Well, you see, he gets very nervous when things are upsetting him, and so he

goes around the house and he honks. It sounds something like this.

Honk! Honk!

Hey, did you see the show?

And now here comes Oscar!

That's terrific.

Do you notice I wasn't nervous? Did you notice I wasn't nervous at all there,

puppy? Did you notice that? Did you also notice that I mentioned your name?

David told me to thank you. Is he a great guy? He seems a little on

He's not. He wants to meet Nancy. We're going to double date.

And you know what? He's so popular. When we came out, they asked him for the

autograph. Then they asked me for my autograph, too. We got in a car. They

grabbing. It was the most thrilling, the most exciting evening. Shut up!

the worst night of my life.

I've been humiliated in front of the whole world.

I'm a laughingstock.

Everybody we know was watching that show.

I didn't tell anybody to watch it. I did.

I thought you were going to do some simple, harmless routine about your

habits. You said you tore me to pieces.

That was so cruel of you, Oscar. The phone's been ringing off the hook. There

goes again. No, don't answer. I can't send another one of my fans.

I'm going to have to get an unlisted number because of you.

An exterminator called. I wanted to give me... a job.

You're gonna name a detergent after me.

Next week is David Steinberg. That'll be fine.

Great. Thank you.

Thanks, Nick.

Felix, going to take my picture?

Whenever you're available, Mr. Substitute.

Mr.

Substitute? Well, what is that?

I thought we were so friendly back... Thank you. I thought we were so friendly

back in the studio. Now, uh, you seem a little remote. I'm moody.

The curtains look so rich.

Actually, they're rather sleazy, aren't they?

Plastic plaques.

Tacky chairs.

Wait a second, Felix.

You're not upset about the show last night. Oh, no, no, no, no. Well, you

no reason to be. You were the reason the show was so successful. You were the

hit of the show.

The neat freak.

No, the neat freak was funny. People laughed at that.

They thought that was good.

Wait a second.

What? Why don't you come on my show tonight?

Wonderful. I'll come out with a mop and pail and wash the audience.

Felix, that's funny.

The audience will laugh at that. That's great. I don't think I have quite the

style your audience expects.

Wrong. Exactly. You have the exact style that the audience would love. I know

it. Felix, trust me.

Listen to this. Felix Unger tells his side of the story.

Who's that little chatterbox?

The one with pretty auburn locks.

charming when you want to be, can't you?

Don't do it.

Hey, Hart, we've got the neat freak.

I guess he likes me.

David called you? He called me a couple of times today.

Dinner's nearly ready. Aren't you going to wash your hands? Yeah, I'm going to

wash my hands.

He called me once to tell me about you, and then once just to rat.

Aren't you going to use the bathroom?

I don't have to.

You and David are getting nice and buddy -buddy, aren't you? Bring that in.

It smells good.

What is it, Felix?

Cream -chip beef on toast. Oh, come on.

thoughtless of me, wasn't it?

You still sore about last night?

No. Good.

Listen, what are you going to talk about on the show tonight?

If you do that, you're going to bore a lot of people.

Don't worry about me.

I've been watching that show. I think I know what's effective.

Well, don't try to put me down with all that sloppy stuff. They don't like that.

Stick with neat jokes. Neat jokes. They like that.

Mr. Unger? Yes?

David's house. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Come in, come in. Thank you. Ah, and there's

Mr. Madison.

I'm Harvey Skaldick? Yeah.

Oh, gee, you're having dinner. Oh, look, I don't want to take up your time. I

don't have a lot of time. That's all right.

Time for what? What is it, Biff?

David was sent this young man over here. He's just going to ask you a few

questions. Isn't that right? That's right. He said he didn't want to get in

material.

Eats with his hand.

Should wear a bib.

Likes army food.

Look at this. There's a man announcing my meal.

Look at his shirt.

Oh. How many days have you worn that shirt? Come on, I put it on fresh this

morning. Ring around the chest.

Fun me. Fun me. Fun me. Oh, voted one of the best -dressed men by Popular

Mechanics. Good, good.

What's going on here?

He's my writer.

Your writer? Yeah, David sent him over to help me. Help you what?

Get material.

Look, look at his comb.

Eight missing teeth.

If you can use it. You want to see his laundry? Oh, yes. You know, we might get

something out of that comb. Like, looks like the New York skyline. Good, good.

It's a wonderful comb, if you're Yul Brynner.

Funny. That's a biggie. That's a biggie. Just follow the trail all the way up

the hill.

Why are you doing this to me? To destroy me.

Do what you want. I'm telling you, I know what it is.

What's the matter?

I just saw his room.

Fungus on the bedpost.

All right, quick. Come out of the kitchen. I want to show you this fool.

It's bedroom.

Is that half a tuna sandwich?

Right. So long.

What was that? Somebody wanted some advice about garbage?

Yeah,

write it down, Felix.

That happened to be David who wants to be on the show tonight, too.

Go on the show.

What do I care?

I'll make a deal with you. I won't go on the show tonight if you don't do any

sloppy jokes, okay? You can go on alone, have the spotlight all to yourself, and

then I'll come on some other night. I have an open invite. I don't care if you

come on or not.

I made you and I can break you.

How about a guy who goes through art galleries taking lint out of the

stomachs?

You know, when Oscar started talking about Felix, people thought it was just

figment of his imagination.

But that's not true.

Not only is he not that, but he is here in New York, alive and well.

and with us right now on the show. So please welcome Felix Unger.

to come on the show because you wanted equal time. Isn't that right? Right.

All right, Felix.

The cameras are yours, the mic is yours, and I hope the chair is yours.

Good. Right.

Good evening.

I wish you could meet my roommate, Oscar.

He looks like Yul Brynner.

His comb looks like Yul Brynner.

missing teeth.

And talking about his shirts.

He has a ring around the chest.

The hunting's going to start anyway.

back with more of this uh scintillating conversation just a second stay with us

felix what's the matter with you you're shaking all

over but you mixed it all up

Madison and Felix Unger.

I can see that Felix is just straining at the leash, ready to let forth with

lethal bombshell on the head of his roommate, Oscar Madison.

All right, Felix, go ahead.

It's all yours.

David, you remember the other day you asked me, it was yesterday, whether I

ever written an article and not printed it.

Oh, yes, on the other show you mean. Yeah, well, I happened to think of a

when the drama critic got sick and he asked me to cover Gypsies. Oh, I know it

well. I haven't seen it yet, but it's... Well, I've been close to it about 11

years. Oh, I know, but it's a marvelous musical. But I was very tired. I had

been in Cincinnati.

That Oscar's the worst way to see anything. I know, that's why...

Sandy. Sandy.

uses disposable earmuffs.

Until I moved in here, he thought mildew was a flavor.

We had a picnic in Central Park. The ads gave him a static ovation.

Biggies. Nothing but biggies.

I would love to spend all my reminiscing with you guys, but really, I've got to

go. Oh, you've been wonderful.

Marvelous. Thank you for tonight. I really enjoyed it.