Original subtitles

How do you like that?

Fifteen years of the force, and I got this to show for it. A stupid gold

Sit down. Let's play cards.

If you don't like it, you can bet it in the pot.

Oh, now, that's not nice.

After all, it was a gift.

It looks like a nice watch.

You can get engraving on it.

To Pinky from Edna?

Well,

they got it in a race.

Surprise, we have fondue this week with long forks and French bread. Just

remember what fork you take. Can you forget the fondue and the forks in the

watches? Let's play a little poker.

Hey, you know something?

If I was on the vice squad, I'd have gotten a Hawaiian vacation.

Oh, Murray, you don't want to be on the vice squad. You're too nice.

So what? I got a buddy of mine who's been on the vice squad for only three

years. And already he's got a house in Miami and a new Ferrari.

Will you sit down? I got the worst record on the force.

There are citizens who have made more arrests than I have.

Ace bets.

Ace bets are red. My career's just going

downhill.

What's the matter with me?

Nothing's the matter with you. You're never going to be a great cop any more

than I'm going to be Ring Lardner. You just don't have the drive.

You mean no guts, huh, Oscar?

You don't mean enough. Oscar.

I'm just telling you the truth.

Some people don't like to hear the truth.

Look, wait a minute. How many cars does everybody have?

One, Murray.

If you give us one more, we'll have two.

If you give us two more, we'll have three. Understand? What do you want,

or accuracy?

Murray, you're doing fine.

Thanks, Felix. See you.

In other words, what you're saying, Oscar, is that I'm going to be a failure

the rest of my life. Is that right? Yeah, it's not such a terrible thing.

handle it very well.

I don't want to happen to be a failure. I want to realize my full potential.

Maybe you've already realized your full potential. Oscar, sometimes people can

change, you know. Not Murray.

Come on, I got nice cards.

To be a successful cop, you've got to be tough.

You've got to be able to arrest your own brother, your own mother.

I mean, you see something wrong, you arrest, arrest.

Listen, Oscar, I could be a tough cop if I want to be.

No way. You see something wrong, you turn the other way, especially if you

the guy. Oh, you think so, huh?

I know so. You're too sweet, that's all. Well, I can change, Oscar. No way you

can. I can, too, change. I'm telling you, no chance. Now, listen to what I'm

telling you. All right, fellas, this is a raid.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Okay, no shouting, no fighting, no spitting, and no rough language.

It's your old boarding school right next door.

You're more innocent.

The whole thing is a frame -up.

Knock it off. They got a right to lie, same as you.

No should be in here, Murray. The fink should be in here. You see, you're

a spectacle of yourself.

A spectacle? In front of who? These guys?

Yeah, I'm scared.

Good evening.

Felix Unger, freelance photographer.

Hi.

Freddie Noonan, freelance pit pocket.

Good evening, sir.

Felix Unger?

It's nice to make a point, I'm sorry.

Look at this. He's organizing a friendship club.

I don't know what's happening.

I'm in jail and my pal put me here. It's your own fault. You egged him on. Who

egged him on? You egged him on. You were... Girls next door trying to sleep.

Is that funny to you? Yes.

What's the big deal? We'll be out in a few minutes. We pay a little bit of a

fine. We're on our way.

But we're doing a great thing for Murray.

The poor guy.

He's so eager to make an arrest.

What do you say, Speed? We'll go along for friendship's sake. Yeah, why not? I

don't understand you guys. Go along as if you have a choice. We're in jail,

fellas. We're behind bars.

Come on, Oscar. I agree with Felix. He's absolutely right. Oh, come on, Speed. I

know he's dying to make an arrest.

But look, fellas. Who's he taking advantage of? Us as best friends.

Well, who else would let him arrest them? Except his best friend.

He arrested real criminals. He could get hurt.

Good.

He didn't even ask us if we wanted to go to jail. Well, if he asked, would you

have accepted?

No, Blal.

Oh, it's all screwy. There are four guys in jail trying to figure out how to do

a nice thing for the guy who put us there.

Doesn't that seem a little incongruous?

I think the whole thing is incongruous.

Look who I got on my side.

Papers in a sports edition.

Come on, who are you?

Huh? Willie Mays. I'm gone!

So, is it agreed?

Yeah. We plead guilty for Murray's sake? Yeah, sure.

Oscar? I'm still burned up. Oh, come on. One for all. All for one. Right, come

on. Just because we've always done one for all.

Okay, two of you guys can go. Take me, take me, take me.

Mrs. Homer?

What do you think, when I was born, my mother named me Speed?

Anyway, you guys can make bail and go. Congratulations, Homer.

You're mad at Simon Unger. You stay.

Why? You were running the game.

Who told you that? The arresting officer, Murray Kressner. How about

arresting officer, Murray Kressner. Did you hear what he did? Well, we had a

little while.

Didn't you hear what he said? We're now in for running a game. We could get 30

days. No, a couple hours. That's all. What are you talking about? We've

been in a little... This somebody stole my wallet.

I was holding it for you. A lot of thieves in here.

Hey, look at this.

Remember three little words and you'll always have money.

Stick them up.

Burt Lancaster was too short. Signed, Burt...

They took my cash.

Now I'm in jail with a nervous rash.

So do not fire attorney J. Martin Eckworth.

Don't waste your one call.

Call Judy Kellen, Butterfield 9.

in a cell, dirty, smelly? I don't mind the dirt.

I'm buoyed up by the knowledge that I'm doing something for my fellow man,

Murray. And this is a new experience.

This should be very, very valuable to you as a writer.

Everybody should have to spend one night in jail. Then we know how the other

half lives.

Just think of it, Oscar.

We're part of this for the first time in our lives.

Just imagine.

Upstairs, I'll bet there are lifers in solitary.

And on death row, a man fits in his belt and waits for the final moment.

The governor's reprieve.

You won't get it.

We had dinner at six.

There won't be food till 5 .30 tomorrow morning.

Then we get the tomato surprise.

Tomato surprise?

Yeah, oatmeal with nuts in it.

There's a tomato.

There ain't no tomato.

That's the surprise.

Yeah, we're kind of hungry. We'd like some food.

What would you like?

That sounds good. French fries for me. Two steak sandwiches and French fries.

Ready? No, nothing for me. Bring me four martinis.

I'm expecting guests.

Just the two steak sandwiches, one with French fries. I'll tell you, the kitchen

is closed right at the moment. You see, the chef doesn't get on solitary for

five minutes.

Amateurs.

Oscar.

It's so funny now. Listen.

if we should, have to stay here overnight.

What do you want, the upper or the lower?

The upper.

It's like a step on your face when I wake up in the morning.

You're just tired. Come here, come here.

What do you want?

You know what I made my one phone call before? You know whom I called? Your

mother. No.

I called Murray's wife.

Oh, I wish you could have heard her. She nearly cried. She was so proud of him

for making an arrest. Yeah.

I got all choked up myself.

Isn't that terrific?

Hi, boys.

It's okay. You'll let me in here alone. I know these guys.

Murray, you're in cities.

They made you a plainclothesman. No, not yet, Felix, but tonight's my big night.

I've taken the little woman out.

Now? Oh, the night's still young, and I'm gonna celebrate.

Celebrate? Yeah. Listen, where's a really nice place to go?

In other words, if you were free, where would you go?

For your throat.

You're speaking to a police officer, Madison.

It was awfully nice of you to call my wife. She just appreciates it. When are

you going to get us out of here?

Well, I really don't know that. You've got a serious charge facing you, running

a gang.

You're in a lot of trouble, Oscar.

Hey, Murray, you think I'm going to let you get away with this? Are you crazy?

My captain really likes me.

He patted me on the back.

He said, Murray, I like what you're doing.

What you're doing is good.

You know, they've been looking for you guys for a long time.

Come here. Please, come here. Hold me back.

They knew there was gambling in the area, but they couldn't put their finger

it. Until I wrote the case.

What's your name, Don? Oscar Madison.

I'm surprised at you, Oscar.

We were going to let you and Unger out, but assaulting an officer, now that's

big stuff.

Unger, you can go.

I can do much more for you on the out -to -out. Call my lawyer. Call my

Who is your lawyer?

Anybody but J. Martin Eckworth.

Don't worry about us taking her down the wall. I'll get you out of here. I know

you will, Phoenix. I know you're my friend, Phoenix. You'll get me out, and

you do, I'll take care of that Murray.

I'll take care of him.

What is it, buddy? What?

You know all the places. I'm taking Murray and his wife to dinner. Where

we go?

Morning, Oscar.

Morning.

Rub the Sandman out of your eyes.

Probably something to eat. Yeah, from the restaurant last night.

A doggy bag?

Bon appetit.

Oh, it's such a beautiful morning. The sun's shining, the birds are singing.

Did you sleep well?

No, I just fell asleep.

All morning, the girls next door were singing Born Free.

I've got to get out of here, Phoenix.

Take it easy.

We all have to appear in night court tonight.

You mean I've got to spend the rest of the day here? I'm afraid so.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

My name is J .B.

Darlington, and I've got to call my factory.

Do you have a dime?

You see, we're involved in the top secret project, and my presence there is

absolutely necessary.

Remember last night?

That was a terrible mistake. They were arresting everybody.

Would you believe it? They had Willie Mays in here last night.

And he has a beautiful singing voice.

I can't help you.

Aren't you his attorney? Oh, no. He's a freelance friend.

Sorry.

Ciao.

I made up my mind.

I'm not going to let him get away with it. I'm not going to let Murray get away

with this.

It will be peanuts.

I'll pay it for you if it'll make you feel any better. It's not the money,

Felix. It's the principal.

Did you see that monster when he came in here?

Oh, the captain fired me on our back.

He said to me, you're doing good work. Keep up your good work.

I'd break his nose, but I only got two hands.

He can help his career with these four convictions.

Why don't we give his career a big boost and let him hang me?

What's up, Felix? I'm going to get him, and I know exactly how. What? I'll show

you. Officer!

Officer! I'm allowed one phone call. I want to make it now.

If you want to call Judy Kellan, she's got a new number.

Don't let it happen again, Mr. Kellan. Case dismissed.

Frederick Noonan, step forward, please.

Oh, hi, Freddie.

What is it this time?

He's accused of petty theft, Your Honor.

Petty? That was the 12 -jewel Swiss watch.

30 days or $100.

Can't we discuss a bribe? Take him away.

J .B.

Darlington.

Just a minute. Let me read this arrest report.

So? No.

You gonna pay the $10?

Quiet, Julie.

If I try, he's gonna fry with me. I got the evidence right here to prove it.

What have you got? Never learned. Oh, Officer Murray, did you lock up any

orphans today?

I'm sorry, Oscar, but you got out of hand. I'm no toy cop anymore.

Mr. Frankenstein!

Let me enjoy this moment.

I'll suspend sentence.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Oscar Madison, et al.

Gambling, Your Honor.

How do you plead?

Guilty. Guilty. Not guilty with extenuating circumstances.

There's no such thing. You can only be guilty with extenuating circumstances.

Yeah, but I'm going to set a precedent.

Are you an attorney?

No, no, I'm a sports writer, Your Honor. Oh, boy.

May I say something, Your Honor? Don't, Your Honor, me. Your Honor's work from

ten to four in the afternoon with two hours for lunch.

I'm just a night court magistrate.

Okay, your magistrate, this is a bum rap. We were framed by that cop over

He was playing in the same game, and I can prove it. Here, exhibit A. The cigar

he was smoking last night in the game.

Here, a fondue fork with his fingerprints on it. And here is a

scooping in the biggest pot of 1967, huh?

These are very serious charges, Mr. Madison.

If, as you say, the officer was gambling while on duty and is trying to present

a fraudulent case here...

This could lead to charges being brought against him.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

What do you want?

I'm Felix Dunger.

I'd like to represent the arresting officer.

Are you an attorney?

I'm a freelance photographer.

Oh, boy.

I'd like to cross -examine this witness.

He's not a witness. He's the accused.

And Officer Gressler is not on trial here tonight.

Yeah, go sit down, will you? Officer Gressler's reputation is at stake. I

request permission to question this man.

Well, this is highly irregular, but if it'll help, okay.

Take the stand.

Take the stand?

Will you sit down, please?

Officer Gressler?

Willie Mays.

Answer the question.

Oscar Madison.

Now, Mr. Madison, where were you on the evening of October 18th of this year at

approximately 7 .30 p .m.? October 18th?

Flash. Now, don't stall. You don't want me to talk. I was with you and them and

him. Aha.

Aha. And what were you doing?

Gambling. Ah.

Mr. Hunger, that's what he was arrested for. Yes, I know that, Your Honor. I'm

merely trying to defile his character a little.

I will now refute the evidence, if it please the court.

It doesn't, but go ahead.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I will proceed to exhibit A, the so -called cigar butt.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

This is not Officer Greshler's cigar butt.

property of the witness.

You're crazy. It's his.

It has hot mustard on it. So what?

So buttons.

So buttons.

Your Honor, we were all eating fondue last night, all except this man who had

nutwurst with hot mustard on it. Smell this.

I'd rather not.

Throw it in the wastebasket.

This is Exhibit A. I know, I know. I'll take your word for it. Just throw it

away.

Your Honor.

I will now proceed to exhibit B, the famed fondue fork.

The court will note it has a red tip.

Duly noted.

My tip was purple.

Speed's tip was yellow.

Vinnie's tip was light blue. And Officer Greshler's tip was white.

The red tip fork was not used during the game. This is a fraudulent...

Undo fork.

What about the photograph showing him playing along with us? Aha!

I took that picture myself.

So what did that prove?

I suspect that Officer Greshner is an undercover agent for the Vice Squad.

your majesty, your honor.

I will now proceed with a pertinent fact in the case.

Do you recall, Mr. Madison, a trip to California?

Oh, a few years ago.

That's a pertinent fact.

Should the court instruct the witness to answer the question?

Answer the question. Don't ask any questions.

Does the name Disneyland ring a bell?

Sure, I went to Disneyland with millions of other people. What are you getting

at? This.

Do you or do you not have beside your bed a stolen Mickey Mouse ashtray?

No.

Remember, you're under oath.

It's a Pluto ashtray.

I don't follow your line of questioning, Counselor.

Counselor is merely seeking to establish the true character of the witness and

to discredit it.

His reliability.

I have refuted all the evidence. All that remains of this case is his word

against Officer Greshler's. And whom are we to believe?

This kind, wise bastion of our society?

Or this hooligan?

Gambler?

Pilferer?

Divorcer?

Shaquille!

I appreciate what you tried to do for me, but Oscar's right.

Your Honor, I'm the guilty one.

I turned in my own friend.

I'm not a kind, wise bastion of society.

I'm just a cop who got too big for his uniform.

I don't belong in the force.

I'm turning in my badge.

Do you realize what you've just done, officer?

There could be severe penalties for such actions.

You're not supposed

to say that.

I'm the only one allowed to say that.

I'm sorry, Ron. I just want to say that, well, I guess I did act a little hasty.

See, I got all steamed up when he ratted on us, but I want to withdraw

everything I said.

of the law. He was there out of human weakness, frailty, just the compulsion

toss nickels and dimes into the pot. That's all. Nickels and dimes?

Do you mean to say you've been stalling justice in this court at midnight for a

lousy nickel and dime poker game? Well, you see, a lot of things got out of

hand. Take your badge and your screwball friends and get out of my courtroom.

I know that means you had to swallow your pride. I'm proud of you.

You're not mad at me, are you? I did what I felt I had to do in the best

interests of my client.

Thank you.

You want to fondue your face?

appreciate it.

Didn't you learn anything in that vile prison?

Just one thing.

What?

Here's your watch.