Original subtitles

So much for chow. It was marvelous, Oscar. Doctor.

Why don't you sit right over here, darling?

Have a little after dinner mint. Thank you. Sit, please, because now the piece

de resistance.

Look at that.

Oh!

Champagne! Well, it ain't seltzer, is it? Oscar, I'm thrilled.

How many times do you celebrate your first anniversary, huh? Oh, Oscar, you

so sweet.

Nothing's too good for my lady doctor girlfriend.

Do you know what my idea of a fadist is?

What? The guy who puts these corks out.

Look at that. It doesn't matter how they taste. Fine.

Yeah, but look at all that cork floating around.

Looks like a midget shipwreck.

Yeah, cork, cork. Now, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Felix.

Felix? How?

I went out to buy a bottle of champagne. Canadian.

Good stuff.

Felix said it wasn't good enough. It was a bad year.

He may be run out. Buy one from a good year. 1964.

May have been a good year for champagne, but not for cork.

Oscar. What?

We're doing it again.

Doing what again?

Spending another evening together with you complaining about Felix.

You're absolutely right, honey, and I'm not going to do it. We've got the whole

evening to ourselves.

Mr. Clean is at the opera.

He won't be home till midnight.

To us.

To us.

Oh, yes.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Why? Why?

Why what?

Why'd you come home so early? You weren't due back till midnight.

Forgive me.

I wasn't feeling well. I've got this tickle in the back of my throat. I was

feeling somewhat flushed. We planned a nice, quiet evening. You have to tickle

and flush.

Don't worry. No, no, you're off.

Excuse me. I'm all right.

Well, if you're all right, why'd you come home?

Forgive me.

I'm sure I'm only being hypochondriacal.

I know that a saltwater gargle is an order. I'll be in my room.

I won't bother you. Don't worry about me. You won't know I'm... What?

What's that?

Champagne on the carpet?

I'll know you're here if you look. You're right. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

in my room.

Enjoy yourselves.

Happy anniversary.

Thank you. Thank you.

You see that? You believe this man?

Now, Oscar, would you please sit and forget it and get back to us? All right,

honey. Okay. To us.

How many years do you get for drowning a man with his own mouthwash?

He gives me. I'm sorry.

Do you know where the aspirin is?

How are you feeling?

My throat still has that tickle. I'd like to scratch it for you.

You do feel feverish. Oscar, where's the thermometer?

I don't know, honey. I'm only a tenant here, not a pharmacist.

What does that remind me? I'll tell you, Mr. Tickle and Fletcher. Oscar, Oscar,

Oscar. No, he isn't feeling. Well, please get me a thermometer and two

Felix, you sit right down. Thank you.

This what it's here for dinner? Red wine and fish sticks?

Okay.

I am so sorry to interrupt your anniversary.

Oh, no trouble.

Thank you. You're nice.

It's our anniversary, too. You know that? One year ago tonight, you were

treating me.

That's right. You had the flu, and I made the house call and met Oscar a year

ago tonight.

Thermometer and two aspirin.

Did you remember to wash the thermometer off with alcohol and dry it with

sterile cotton?

No, I spit -shined it and used a T -shirt.

Okay. I know he's joking, but I can't put the thing in my mouth when he says

things like that.

I'll do it myself.

Don't worry about me. I'll be all right. I'll be in my room.

Forgive me.

Enjoy. I'm happy for both.

dinosaur. Oscar.

All right, honey, yeah, we'll get back to the way we were. We'll forget. Here

you go, honey.

Oscar, it's not going to work.

I better go.

Why go? Why? Because you are very upset, Oscar.

I don't like to be kissed with hatred.

Oh, honey, don't let him ruin another evening for me. Oscar, I don't like to

this, but Felix didn't ruin your evening. You did.

Can you say that? You were here. You saw what he did.

That's just my point. He didn't do anything.

You overreacted to him tonight. Tonight? It's every night, every day lives

inside me like a tapeworm, eating away my nerve endings.

Gnawing, always gnawing, always gnawing.

I know, I can feel the tension when you hug me. Your stomach feels like a

basketball. Oscar, you could have a little more tolerance.

Tolerance? He's alive, isn't he? That's being tolerant.

All I'm asking you to do for yourself and for us is just to be a little nicer.

to Felix, Oscar. Just try to get along with him. Make an effort.

Then maybe we can deflate that basketball a little. I don't know,

Is that a bribe?

No.

That was love.

This one's a bribe.

Good news, kids.

It's only 99.

I did not plan for the night's sleep.

My stomach is gribbling against my belly button.

Tolerance.

Honey, you want to bribe me some more? No.

I know. I'll be captain of the Olympic tolerance team.

I love you.

Oscar. What?

Is it all right if I shower first tomorrow?

Positively no reason why you can't.

Thanks, Oscar.

Happy anniversary, you two.

Oh, thank you, Phil.

I must tell you that I'm genuinely sorry about last night. Will you forget it,

buddy? It was nothing.

What are you doing?

I'm making breakfast.

Well, that's very, very nice of you. But I can make breakfast, as usual.

Oh, you always take care of me when I'm sick. You put my mother to shame.

At least I can do is take care of you when you're sick. But I feel perfectly

fine this morning, except for my normal sinus agony.

More orange juice, sir.

Did you remember to remove the pit? I think so, Felix. I don't like pits in my

juice.

They must have got past me. You know how pits are very sneaky.

I don't mind.

I appreciate the effort required for you to make me orange juice.

Good try.

Thank you, Felix.

But if you can't do a job well, don't do it at all.

I don't like pit in my juice.

You're right, Phoenix. When you're right, you're right. I mean, the man's

What do you mean?

Oh, that's my cue.

What?

Your eggs, Phoenix.

Exactly the way you like them.

Without bits, I hope.

Mysteriously, Oscar, I'm stunned by your thoughtfulness. It's my pleasure.

Two -minute egg, huh? Exactly two minutes.

I like my eggs three minutes.

Two minutes, three minutes, what's the difference?

The difference is, with a three -minute egg, you can eat with a fork.

These you'd have to sift through a straw. Look.

But another very good try.

Thank you, Felix. I needed that pat on the back.

What time is death?

Ha! Why are you sitting here?

Death. You're tired from cleaning?

No. You're resting?

No. Why?

Why are you doing that with your eyes? What is it?

What do you see in my life?

Pop.

Open it.

What color do you see in there?

Black.

some sort of black meat to me. This is the rump roast I prepared for your

dinner. It was ready an hour and a half ago.

I'm sorry, Felix, but the hockey championship games went into double

If you knew you were going to be late, why didn't you call me? Well, I'm sorry,

Felix. I meant to call you, but the game got so exciting, I didn't know what to

do. This is a $6 rump roast lying here dead.

I just don't understand you anymore.

I've just stopped acting crazy over little things.

Nancy convinced me that I overreact to you and you're probably right 90 % of

time. I'll accept that.

She said I should be nice to you, bend a little, you know, not get so mad at

you. I find that a very mature and intelligent attitude.

Well, it works. Like tonight, when you were whining about your dead rump roast.

I tried to understand how you felt as an adult. You didn't annoy me so much.

I annoy you.

Make that 91%. How did I annoy you?

By coming home an hour and a half late?

By forgetting to call and saying I was going to be late? Is that how I annoyed

you, Oscar?

I think you're onto something with this new attitude of yours.

But instead of working at not being annoyed at me, you should stop being

annoying to me.

I'll get a saw and cut the meat.

I don't forgive you.

But I know you're trying, and I like that.

Now go wash your hands and face.

Don't be annoyed at me.

Stop being annoyed to me.

I'd like to annoy him.

I'd like a two basket more than a huggie puck.

Hey, Oscar?

What? Mr. 91 % right.

Very interesting article in this magazine, Oscar.

It's about Bolivian chicken.

No kidding!

Look at what he's hitting me with, Bolivian chicken.

You've got to save it for me. I'll stick it in your orange juice.

Sleep well, Felix. Being unconscious means sleeping well. I slept great.

I really got to go to bed.

What's the matter? Why are you so gentle? I don't know.

I had a terrible dream.

Yeah, the same one where you're trapped in a sewer barefoot?

No, worse than that.

You were in this one.

Oh, really? Tell me about it, Felix, but I'm in a hurry. Make it fast, will you?

I...

into my room and you screamed some terrible obscenities.

And then you hit me over the head with a blunt object of some kind.

That's not as good as the one in the sewer, but it's okay.

It didn't seem like a dream.

It was so real when I woke up.

I went in your room to see if you were asleep.

You came into my room?

That's how frightening it was.

Please, I'd like to stay here and analyze your dream, but I'm really in a

Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, it's a match you can dream you

into my room and you hit me. I left my dirty laundry on the bed.

Isn't the pillowcase?

Yeah, all the stuff that's stiff.

sleeps here.

Well, that's none of my business, Felix.

Oscar, I heard his voice. He called me a Bolivian chicken.

Well, now, that sounds like Oscar.

I know it sounds.

Stay here tonight.

We'll stake out his room. We'll catch him in the act.

I can't, Felix. My partner's waiting for me downstairs. I'm on duty, you know.

Business duty is salt and battery. It's an open and shut case, Murray.

You'll get a medal.

Well, I could stay for a few minutes.

May I have a glass of milk and some cookies?

Yes, you may, Murray.

Help yourself.

Thank you.

You know, we had a case like this a couple of years ago, and we discovered

this guy was walking in his sleep.

Sleepwalking?

What should I do if he's sleepwalking, Murray?

Well, to begin with, don't wake him up. They get very violent.

More violent? How?

He's belting me on the head now.

Of all people, I just... Open praise, not sleepwalking. Can you imagine the

I'd find in this room in the morning if he was...

Marie!

What? What's wrong?

Put your gun away! Put it down!

Put your gun away!

He just did it again.

I saw him with my own eyes.

I'm sorry, I missed it.

I was going to wake him up, and then I remembered what you said. I should have

awakened him. Oh, Murray, he looked deranged. Uh -oh.

We'd better go check up on him.

Hi, Oscar.

Murray.

It's okay if he looks awake.

Hello, Oscar.

What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

What's the living room doing in my bedroom?

You're sleepwalking, Oscar.

I'd better walk back to sleep now.

You saw it, Murray. You saw it. Yeah, but I didn't actually see any hitting.

you saw the weapon in his hand.

But that's circumstantial.

If he had stabbed me and was standing there with a dripping dagger, would that

be circumstantial?

Perhaps.

Take the cookies Murray and go I'm

sorry Felix.

I'm a policeman.

I can't get involved

through this nut.

Well, I'll do what I can.

Oh, listen, honey, I've got to go now. I'll call you back later.

Okay.

Oh, how are you feeling, Felix?

I'm feeling good.

Listen, would you like some orange juice? I strained it. I took out all the

I think.

Thank you.

It's very kind of you. No, I don't want it.

How about three -minute eggs right on the head, three minutes?

I couldn't hold a thing on my...

Cab will be here in ten minutes.

It would have helped to tell you how sorry I am.

Please, Austin.

It's not your fault.

It's mine.

It must be.

There's something in me that provokes such terrible hatred to me that your

subconscious mind drives you to attack me.

Oh, come on. No, no, I mean it.

I've never told you this before. I've never told anyone.

But my ex -wife, Gloria, used to hit me on the head.

Nothing. First of all, you're cutting out.

Oh, it's all right. It's just this one thing.

I don't want you to feel any guilt whatsoever. The fault is not yours.

There's something in me that brings out this ugly, animal, terrible viciousness.

I'm a bad seed, Oscar.

Don't cry, will you? I can't stand to see a grown man cry.

I can put up with a devout hypochondriac.

I can stand a man who has won all the awards for cleaning.

I can even understand why you vacuum the shower curtain.

But I can't take you being a martyr. I refuse to live with Joan of Arc. So you

take your pats and your pits and take your pills and your pains and take your

pots and your pans and your potting and...

missing, Oscar.

You haven't been yelling at me.

I've been trying to be nice to you. Aha!

That's it!

What's it?

Hostility. Repressed during the day.

Erupts at night.

Freud. Dreams in the subconscious.

I know that's the answer.

Yes, we can work this out.

You really think we can? Of course.

The main thing is, you must never be nice to me.

What do you mean by that?

If you feel hostile, act hostile. Let it all...

anything. Yes, the main thing is that we must be emotionally honest with each

other at all times. I'll be honest with you right now, Phoenix. I've got to go

to work. And I'm going to have breakfast. Okay.

My appetite is up.

Eggs and orange juice.

Great. Perfect. I'll see you tonight.

Probably won't be sleepwalking tonight.

But in case I do, I want you to hit me first, so we'll be... That won't be

necessary, Oscar. No, I want you to hit me. Come on, Phoenix. Oh, no, don't be

so... Come on, I'll feel guilty now. I want you to hit me. I can't! Phoenix,

will you hit me? No!