Original subtitles

I'll tell you, you're missing a great time. He's one good -looking fella.

Yeah. Sure.

Okay.

Bye -bye.

Well, that's the last of the Zs. Crazy Rota Zimmerman.

to New York. I thought we could fix him up with somebody cute and interesting.

Hey, Oscar, what's the difference? The three of us will go out and have a pizza

and have a great time.

I came to see my sister anyway.

That's absolutely right. We'll have a ball. I know a great Italian restaurant,

Conde Nellis. They have great food there. Oh, hi, Oscar. Is Felix here? Oh,

Nancy. Hi, Gloria.

I'd like you to meet my brother, Raymond Cunningham. Ray, this is Gloria Unger.

How do you do, Mr. Cunningham? How do you do? You're Felix's wife. Oh, well, I

was. We're divorced.

Where's Felix? He's up in Canada. He had a rush assignment.

Photograph a layout. Oh, well, I brought his shirt over. You still do his shirt?

Oh, just the sport shirt. The dress shirt he sends home to his mother.

Well, good night.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Gloria.

Have you had dinner yet?

No, I haven't, as a matter of fact. Well, why don't you come and eat with

Raymond needs a dinner party. Oh, well, no, I don't. No, please. Come on, come

on. It will be my pleasure.

Right? Fine. He's going to come with us. How about that? He can come down and

help me look for the car.

It's big, and the big streets are the first. I'll see you down. Okay.

You think you should have done that? Done what?

Well, fix Raymond up with Gloria.

What's wrong with that?

Well, you know how jealous Felix is. He's liable to misunderstand the entire

thing. Oh, Oscar, we're just going out for pizza, not a moonlight swim.

Besides, Gloria's a free woman.

Yeah, and Felix is in Canada, 500 miles away.

Right. He's powdering your nose. We're only going to go for pizza.

But the anchovies are a little salty.

Hey, honey, your brother is one funny guy.

When he and Gloria parked the car, I wanted to finish telling them that story

about the hairdresser and the monkey. And you know, you were absolutely right

about Felix. There was nothing to worry about.

Surprise!

On

November

13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

I was supposed to photograph a herd of moose in their annual trek across the

tundra, right?

They gave me a week to get the job done.

I get off the plane on the ice. There's a whole herd of moose going across the

tundra. I got my shot in 15 minutes. I get back on the plane. I come home.

How did I get so lucky?

How did he get so lucky?

I tell you.

I was so famished I didn't even unpack. I came straight to my kitchen.

I'm making eggs vichy.

If you're good, I'll give you some.

Well, he's got to be told about Gloria. He'll jump to all sorts of conclusions

or out the window.

Well, then go in there and tell him. You just don't tell, Felix. You've got to

use a little finesse.

Okay, I'll get lost.

Hi, buddy. I'm glad you're back. Listen, I want to talk. Don't talk to me while

I'm cooking. I've told you a thousand times.

What is it? Something important? Sure, it's important.

Then tell me, what is it?

You've done something wrong. No, I didn't do anything wrong. You've done

something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. Give me the cream.

No, Nancy's brother Ray's in town.

Ray? Yeah. Do I know him? Is that Ski Lodge? No, I don't think I know.

Give me the peppermint.

Yeah, I remember I showed you pictures he sent to Nancy.

Ray! Ray. Yeah, yeah, the ski bum. Ski bum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me the bacon bits.

Bacon bits. Bacon bits.

Look at this, I'm a busboy here.

Anyway. The thing is, he needed a dinner date because we were taking him out to

dinner and we fixed him up with one. Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

Anybody I know? Well, that's the funny part. You know her very well. Who?

Your secretary? The one with the overbite? No, not Carol.

Who? The sexy one in the file room with the hot pants and the big falls?

No, no, no.

Well, whoever it was, I hope he got lucky.

You do?

Yes, sir.

Raymond's a swinger. I admire that. I really do.

Love him and leave him.

Fast and loose. Swing.

Swing from the chandeliers.

I wish I could do that. Love him and leave him.

It's Gloria.

Gloria?

The mother of my children?

Come on, Phoenix, don't say it that way. You make it sound too important. Too

important?

Oscar, take this. Stick it in my back. Finish the job.

Peter, that's all. Nancy and I were with them all the time. Well, how very

decent of you to chaperone them.

Where are they now?

They're parking the car.

Where, in front of a motel? Oh, this is just... How

terrible for my silence. I just can't conceive. What, what?

How did Gloria get together with such a person?

Well, she came here with this Ford shirt.

It's a good thing my dress shirts weren't delivered. You'd have fixed them

with my mother.

To make points with your girlfriend, you fixed my wife up with a swinger.

A minute ago, you were admiring him. When you said swinger, you were smiling.

A minute ago, he wasn't swinging with my wife. Nobody is swinging with anybody.

The only reason I told you, I didn't want you to go into shock when they get

here. She's bringing him here? Yeah.

I'll hide here in the kitchen until he goes to his hotel.

But he couldn't get a hotel.

Oscar. In your room, Felix.

In my room, Oscar. In your room, Felix.

Of all the rooms in this city full of rooms, you put him in my room?

Now you got it.

My room.

My wife.

My roommate.

If I had a dog now, he'd probably go for my throat.

Where are they? How long does it take to park a car?

In New York, it could take a life.

around the corner, and this old -fashioned elevator with the doors just

snapped it for you. It snapped and tore it. Old -fashioned elevator. Let's try

this. A vicious German shepherd went for your throat, missed the ground...

What's the matter? That is what happened. Oh, I believe you, but some

people might not believe you. What other people?

That was Felix.

That's Felix?

That was Felix.

I thought he was in Canada.

No.

He got his moves.

But he didn't say hello. Does he know Raymond and I? That's why he didn't say

hello.

See, I had to tell him. I didn't want him to go into shock.

Well, maybe if I go over there and explain... No, no, no, it's all right.

be all right. Just give him a few minutes.

He'll be fine.

I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I have my dinner in here?

I'd eat in the kitchen, but it's too hot from the oven.

And my blood has been thickened by exposure to Arctic temperature.

Oh, uh, Felix, I'd like you to meet my brother, Raymond Cunningham. Ray, this

Felix Unger. How you doing, Felix? I've heard a lot about you. I've heard a lot

about you, too.

I said that to myself.

One look and I said, I'll bet a dress -tearing elevator guy.

Wasn't that a good guess?

You're talking off. Were you feeling? I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I

anyone? Oh, please forgive me. I'm terribly sorry.

I'll go eat in my room.

Oh, I forgot.

It isn't my room anymore.

It's Raymond's.

That's all right. Don't worry about me.

I'll eat in the closet.

to blame, don't blame me.

Felix, this is an awkward situation, but after all, we're all adults.

At least we can be civilized about it.

Yes, what a marvelous idea.

Let's be civilized.

Well, hi -ho, everybody.

And it's martini time all over the world, and I propose a toast to Gloria

Raymond. Let's hope it's not just one of those things.

By the way, Gloria, I love your dress.

It shows off the real you.

I think you and I should go home. And, Raymond, I think you should get your

luggage and chuck them into a hideout.

No, absolutely not.

We can't kick old Ray out in the cold just for a little thing like assaulting

wife.

I hate to say it, Raymond, but I think it's a good idea. Now, just a darn

there.

Gloria and I are divorced.

She's a free woman.

Ray's a free man. If I hadn't come along unexpectedly, you both would have had a

wonderful time.

Take it easy, Felix.

It is easy, Oscar.

Raymond will sleep in my room. I'll sleep out here. And I want you all to

your evening.

Don't worry about me.

That's an order.

Just keep on mistaking my wife out tonight.

flipped out here last night. You don't have to do it again. Why not?

You're the one who gave Raymond my room.

Maybe you can sleep in my room.

I can't. Why not?

I haven't had my tetanus shots.

Hey, Felix.

Thanks for lending me your shirt. Yeah. Now, can I borrow your tie?

Tie? You need a tie? I got all kinds of ties. Fat tie, skinny tie. I got the

checks. Maybe he wouldn't like one with mold on it.

My tie rack is completely open to Raymond.

As is my home.

And my wife.

Take any tie you want. Thank you.

What is with this turnabout?

Yesterday you were playing Othello. Today you're being Mary Poppins. What is

that?

Are you comfortable there? Yeah.

Gloria said one of the reasons we broke up was my Christian jealousy.

She's got a point.

You're the only person I know who hired a female gardener.

I've never heard of a gardener named Ruby.

How's this, okay?

You chose that tie, huh?

What's the matter with it?

It's the tie Gloria and I got married in.

Great pick, right?

And look, Felix, I don't want to take the tie you got married in. No, no, no,

looks good on you. It does, it does, believe me. It's fine, it's fine, it's

fine, it's fine.

Well, I'm going to go pick up my date. Yeah, I think it's a good idea, Ray.

Listen, you have a good time. Go out and have yourself a ball. Go ahead, buddy.

It fits with your other words.

Backstabber, villain, roommate.

Look what you've got. Guilt, sorry, forgive.

Boo -boo is not a word.

That's because I know you think I'm responsible for this entire thing. No,

no, no, no, no. You're not responsible. No, no.

Glory is also partially to blame.

Not to mention Nancy's role in this.

You're really something, you know that? Phoenix, I didn't want to tell you this

because I knew you were in pain.

But you know really who's at fault here?

Who? You.

Me? Yeah, you.

I'll tell you how.

You seem to forget that Gloria is a free woman.

Now, you've got two choices. Either you make a big play for her, try to win her

back, or you let her go completely free.

And if she gets lucky, meets a nice guy, goes out, has a great time, you should

feel happy for her.

You've got two choices you don't think...

He doesn't keep her out too late.

She's so vulnerable when she's sleepy.

That's Raymond. He's back.

He didn't get anywhere. He's only been gone 15 minutes. That's not right.

Hey, look who's making house calls. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hey, Nick.

How are you? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Good.

You're all over being upset? Oh, yeah. You know me.

I roll with the punches.

Oh, yeah. He really rolls.

He's been writing me threatening letters in the word game.

I don't think you should blame Oscar.

It's just as much my fault. No, no, no, no.

It's me.

I'm a nut. I blow everything up out of all proportion, you know.

I'm so... In a couple of days, they'll be gone and the whole thing will be

They won't see each other again.

Isn't that right?

What? What?

What's this look?

No, look. Your paranoia's showing. No, no, no. You know something she's not

saying. What? Come on, out with it. What?

Did Raymond say something about Gloria? Well, I can take it.

Love him and leave him, huh?

He hasn't left yet.

You ever love him without leaving him?

You ever leave him without loving him?

Come on, how about that? I can take it. Did Raymond say anything about Gloria?

Yes, Felix, he has. He told me he thinks very highly of Gloria.

And if he thinks very highly of her, that means he likes her very much.

And after like comes love.

First like, then love.

Love and hate.

I'd like to give him the racism.

Nevertheless, your brother is determined to destroy me and marry my wife. She's

not your wife. She's not your wife. Thanks to you.

Who's now responsible for the divorce?

Now my back. My back.

My back. You take over, darling. My back and my sinuses. You see what you've

done?

you and I will be related.

Your brother will marry my ex -wife.

I'll send him my child support check.

Felix, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll get back to the hospital.

Believe it or not, there are people out there even sicker than you.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

You're sorry?

See you soon.

Hey, Felix.

Would you like to toss a ball around?

Neatly?

Hey, let's call Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman.

You want to come in and make fun of my bedroom?

Does it give you pleasure to torture me?

Oh, Felix, you're my friend. I'm just trying to show you how silly you're

Love, it can't be love. They know each other two days.

Infatuation, not even infatuation.

So they called each other four times today.

It was just to figure out where to meet, that's all.

So I've never heard Gloria laugh so much.

But you've got to face it, Ray's a very funny guy.

So when they walk down the street, people look at them as if they're the

couple.

What are you going to do? Listen to the looks of strangers?

Have I convinced you?

Listen, I'll go get the cards. We'll play Jim Rummy a dime a point. You'll

a fortune.

You're going crazy. You must be sane, huh?

What are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? I have every

right to be here.

You're crazy to be here.

You're the one who told me to come here. You said I had two choices. I made the

choice to fight and win her back. That's a good choice, but do you think tonight

is the time to do it when she's coming home with a date? Why don't you start

tomorrow? Because by tomorrow it may be too late. If she comes here and she

finds you here, then it will be too late. Why, why? She'll know you're the

jealous nut she couldn't stand before.

Yeah? Yes.

I didn't think of that. Oh, would I lie to you?

Why should I?

We'd better get out of here. It's fine.

I hear the car.

What do we do?

Well, we'll... We've got to hide someplace. Where?

I don't know.

There's so many places we could hide.

Take one.

Behind the bar.

That champagne was too much. Oh, I had a wonderful time, Ray. Thanks so much.

And it's so different from anything I've ever done before.

Well, even so young, can I come in for a while? Oh, it's not for me. I have to

get up awfully early with the kids, you know. Well, I mean, just for a little

while. Fifteen minutes?

Ten?

Five? I won't do him any good. When she says no, she's like a rock.

All right, ten minutes.

We've had him down to five. What happened? What should I do?

Time him.

If you'd like a drink, go help yourself.

Oh, thank you. I think I... No, as a matter of fact, I don't need a drink.

I just don't want to dull my senses. I want to concentrate on you.

I'm a corny vine.

No woman likes talk like that.

Oh, Ray, what a lovely thing to say.

Must be his delivery.

I'd love you to come up to the lot some weekend.

Oh, Ray, I... No, I'm not trying to come on like a playboy. I really am not. I

mean, you're something special. You may even be the special one for me.

Oh, Ray, I'm flattered. I really am. But I'm afraid there's another man in my...

Not quite over.

Oh, Felix, Felix.

Well, he's a nice guy, a little fussy, though, you know.

How could you live with a guy like that? It wasn't easy.

I mean, I haven't been in a room like his since I worked in a dairy.

Oh, well, I know Felix has his faults.

Well, I mean, for a beautiful lady like yourself, it's got to be tough for the

two of you to work things out together.

I don't see us working them out together either, but we can't seem to work them

out apart either.

Well, I guess that's my answer.

Well, no use pushing it any further. I'm afraid not. Well, if you ever change

your mind, will you come up some weekend?

I will, I will. Hey, can I kiss you goodbye?

And you may.

Listen, don't be too rough on him. He's gone through an awful lot today.

No, no, no. Don't make any apologies for me.

She's the one who let ravishing Ray in.

And she was pretty susceptible, too, wasn't she?

Here we go again. Oh, Ray, I had such a good time. I never did anything like

that before. You were all over him. We heard every word.

Well, how do you explain yourself?

You break into my house and you want me to explain myself. This is also my

house. Well?

Well, what? You were hovering behind the bar. You heard me reject Ray. What else

would you like? But you knew I was there. Suppose I hadn't been there. Then

would have happened? That's what I want to know. I'm getting a migraine. I'm

getting a migraine. Will the witness kindly answer the question?

Ray the Swinger, right?

He thought he was gay, he was debonair, he was handsome, but he hasn't got what

you've got. What?

The ability to play a fool?

No, personality.

You've got that charisma, that magic, macho.

Do you really think I've got macho? Of course.

Gloria's still hooked on you, right? Yeah. What about Ray the Swinger? He's a

lonely man tonight, Felix.

Lonely. You've got to think of the good things of it. Don't look at the bad

things. Well, fellas, I'm all packed and ready to go. I think it's best I leave.

Ray, sorry about tonight, fella.

Can't win them all, you know.

Well, that's the way it goes, Felix. I just don't know what you've got.

I guess they call it macho.

So long, Ray. So long.

You need any help with your balance? No, no, I have some help. They'll bring it.

about your lonely swing.

I've left your tie and shirt on the bed.

Macho.

Deep.

Deep down.

Is he happy? I think so.