Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hello, Martha.

What are you doing in this apartment, Martha?

Oh, well, I'm looking for Oscar Madison. Isn't this his apartment?

Yes, yes, it is.

How did you get in here?

Oh, the super let me in. I didn't have a key or anything, so he said it was all

right if I waited inside.

He's a super super.

Is Mr. Madison expecting you?

No.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oscar, how could you?

What did I do wrong? What am I, dripping on the floor? I'm sorry.

Oh, don't do it. Phoenix, I've had a rough weekend in Cleveland. The Jets

quarterback threw 14 bad passes in a row. The vendors threw my hot dogs.

What?

You're going to wear the roof of your mouth out.

Does Springfield, Iowa ring a bell with you?

Springfield, Iowa ring a bell.

Where were you eight and a half months ago?

I was probably standing right here arguing with you about dripping on the

What, did I get a parking ticket in Iowa or something? Don't you wish? You could

fix that.

Does the name Martha ring a bell with you? Again with the ringing of bells?

are you talking about, Felix? Oh, Oscar!

Who is she?

Oh, is it good to see you?

I'm sorry, do I know you?

It's me, Martha Sloan from Springfield, Iowa.

Aunt Blanche's niece.

Your ex -wife?

The kid with the freckles with the boomerang!

No, that was my little brother, Timmy. Oh.

Oscar, from my heart, I'm so... You know, where do you want to be ashamed of

yourself? Oscar, I'm so sorry. I apologize.

That was a long time ago.

Ten years.

What's so funny?

You were wearing the same shirt.

He used to call him Uncle Floppy.

Well, I can't get over it.

Didn't Molly's mother... Boy, have you grown.

Boy, have you grown. Sit down.

so beautiful and you're pregnant and you're in New York. It's all so

You got a husband?

Yes, he was supposed to be here today.

Uncle Sloppy is such a diplomat.

I'll bet you're hungry, aren't you?

supposed to be here today, but the army changed his orders.

Oh. And you're the only person that I know in New York, so...

Say something, Uncle Oscar.

Felix!

I'm here, I heard, and Martha, as far as I'm concerned, my half of the house is

yours. Yeah, my half of the house is yours. You could sleep in my bedroom.

Great. No, no, not great. Don't even look in this room.

It could affect your child.

Sleep in my room.

Hospital clean.

Yeah, hey, listen. I'll take care of all the medical stuff. I got a girlfriend

that's a doctor, see? I'll get you the best hospital, the best obstetrician.

no. Uncle Oscar, I don't want to go to a hospital.

Well, you're going to have a baby. You've got to go to the hospital.

No, but I'm going to have my baby by natural childbirth.

Natural childbirth. Bravo.

What's that natural? Is that without doctors? No, no. It's about an

You're awake and alive and feeling every moment. Oh, Oscar, it's the most

fulfilling experience.

I'm a father, I know.

It's really beautiful, Uncle Oscar.

Yeah, but they have natural childbirth in hospitals, too, don't they? You know,

with doctors.

Yeah, but it's not the same.

Hospitals are so antiseptic.

Phil and I want it to be beautiful.

I want to be fully conscious in a setting that's simple.

Central Park?

You won't remain fully conscious there for long.

No.

The Bronx is a simple setting?

That's where we spent our honeymoon.

We rented the same motel room, and when Phil arrives, we'll drive over and have

the baby.

Come, we'll eat, we'll talk.

Does your family know?

Sure.

That's why I ran away from home.

You ran away?

Why? They wanted me to have my baby in a hospital.

Well, it's not a crime, honey. You know, they've been having pretty good babies

that way for a long time.

Yeah, well, it's...

We don't. Not me, not Phil, and not Eddie.

Who's Eddie?

You eat, honey. Everything's going to be fine. Just eat, okay?

You won't call my parents.

No, no, no. I'm just going to get a glass of milk, honey.

Eat.

You're in good hands.

Uncle Oscar's a little bit excitable, but he's very reliable.

Here we are.

For Eddie.

Eat.

Do you think I want to talk to Blanche's brother and sister -in -law who

testified against me during the divorce? Who I swore I would never speak to

again as long as I live? Hello, Molly, how are you?

Who?

Timmy. Oh, listen, let me talk to your mom and your daddy.

Where are they?

In Germany? What are they doing in Germany?

They're looking for Martha.

Timmy, your sister's not in Germany.

No, this is your Uncle Oscar Madison from New York.

Uncle Sloppy, yeah.

Listen, do you know where they are in Germany? Do you know where they are in

Germany?

First, first, who's minding you?

Okay, let me talk to the maid.

What are you looking at? What are you staring at?

Hello? Oh, listen, this is very important.

Oh, boy.

Mucho importante.

Donde este in Germany, Molly and Ciro?

and Val Mecklenburg.

Look at this. Now she can pronounce.

Now put Timmy back on.

I'm warning you, Felix. At least blink.

Oh, Timmy.

Timmy, listen. If your folks get in touch with you, have them call me in New

York right away.

Okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's Uncle Sloppy. Bye.

How about this?

Everybody's in Germany. I got a pregnant girl out there who wants to have a baby

in a motel in the Bronx. And I got Count Dracula staring at my jugular vein.

What should I do?

First, you'll wait while I'll try to forgive you for what you just did.

You're her uncle. Can't you talk to the girl? Felix, she's a kid. She's 18 years

old. What does she know about babies? She knows enough to have one. It's the

most natural thing in the world.

Felix, I used to drive a car with a stick shift. That seemed natural. Then

came automatic transmissions. I went with that.

There's nothing new about natural childbirth. The entire human race was

that way until a hundred years ago. Name once, it's rubber gloves. Don't you

dare do that.

All right, I'll name one. An athlete, even.

Jim Thorpe.

My Jim Thorpe? Your Jim Thorpe. All -American. Born in a teepee. No

No doctor. No nothing.

Maybe some man wearing a buffalo head shaking a rattlesnake.

Oh, quit cheating, Fizz. Who do I know personally that's walking around in good

health who had been born in the Bronx at a motel? All right, I'll tell you

somebody you will know. Who?

Nancy, your girlfriend. A doctor and a woman you trust.

Now, Ferris Ferry.

why don't you take Martha and talk to Nancy?

Have a seat, honey. I'll call in the daring duo.

Boys?

Hey, Uncle Oscar. All right, honey, sit down. I'll take care of everything.

So?

So, Martha is very pregnant and will definitely have a child.

My bookie could have told me that.

Dr. Cunningham, Nancy, exactly when, is the child expected?

Well, it's hard to predict exactly, but I'd say soon.

Twelve years of medical school. My bookie could have told me that, too.

did you talk about this natural childbirth thing? No. Just like that,

But she'll be perfectly all right, won't she? Oh, I'd say she shouldn't have a

bit of trouble.

But? There is no but.

Yeah, there's a but. I know her. When she wrinkles her forehead, there's a

You think she'd be better off in a hospital, right? Mm -hmm. I do. Well,

point is mood.

What does that mean, moot? In a hospital safer than a motel in the Bronx.

And I know a wonderful obstetrician. Well, call him, honey. It's all settled.

I'll pay for it. On the other hand... Wait for the other hand. I waited for

bud. You wait for the other hand.

There are psychological factors here that could make home delivery more

desirable. Home delivery is for newspapers, not babies.

Doctor, what are you advising her? What are you telling her to do? Oh, now,

Felix.

I'm not going to tell her to do anything.

I examined her. She's fine. There are some extenuating circumstances.

For instance, her husband hasn't been here to help prepare for the birth. So

don't think she should chant it, right?

Wrong. The decision is up to her.

Well, that's what I wanted to hear. The decision is up to her. I'm her uncle,

and the decision is now. That's it. Now, wait a minute. This is going to be

dealt normally.

The first thing that baby sees when it's born is not going to be a bellhop from

the Bronx.

It's going to be a doctor upside down.

You said the decision is up to her. Why don't... She's gone.

Well, her bag's gone. Oh, boy.

Oscar, the sooner we get a description of Martha, the sooner we get started on

this case.

Don't you talk to me about sooner. You should have been there 30 minutes ago.

Well, it's snowing out there, you know that?

Now, before we can do anything, we've got to get a description.

I already told you. She's about up to here. She's pregnant out there. She's

wearing a black... Is that all you noticed?

Color eyes.

Blue. Her eyes are brown. Blue. Put blue down. No, her soul is blue because of

you. But her eyes are brown if you ever looked at her eyes. That was all dead.

I'll put down blue -brown.

Now, any distinguishing marks? When I tell you she's pregnant out there, why

don't you put on a general alarm?

Oscar, please, don't tell me my business, huh?

Now, how old is the subject?

Eighteen. Uh -oh.

Eighteen is an uh -oh?

She's eighteen. She's no longer a juvenile, so she's not a runaway. At

she becomes a missing person.

And that's a different form.

Okay.

Color eyes.

Blue was the story we went to. Brown. Oh, yeah. Blue, brown.

Now, how long has this missing person been gone?

I don't know. About 40 minutes, I guess.

Uh -oh. Another oh!

Well, 40 minutes isn't long enough. You've got to be gone 24 hours to be

considered a missing person.

If you're not out of here in 10 seconds, you're going to be considered a missing

person. I'm going to go find her. Me too.

Fellas, I'm sorry. Look, I could get out on all points both of them, but that's

only when there's foul play involved. Well, I'm awfully sorry, Murray. There's

no foul play. Murray, try to help us. All right.

Where would a pregnant girl who's run away from home go?

Well, they usually look up a relative.

And if the relative has been inconsiderate and unfeeling, where would

don't know.

Hey, wait a minute. What did you tell me about this girl? She probably went to

the natural childbirth clinic.

Where's that?

It's on 36th Street in Lexington.

Okay. And there's two on 35th Street.

And then there's one on 8th Avenue.

Hey,

listen. Hey, guys. What should I do?

I don't know, Murray.

But if somebody offers you a bribe, take it and retire.

Now let's get into some controlled breathing exercises.

Mothers -to -be, into the tailor -sit position.

Good. Coach husbands, get your stopwatches ready.

All right, now breathe deeply.

place. She's not here either.

You know what they're doing?

Control breathing exercises. That's the most important part of childbirth.

Stop watches.

Hold your breath. Go.

Yes. Can I help you? We have a unique problem.

His niece... Yes, is pregnant and she has run away from home because her

are against natural childbirth.

Yes, it's not so unique.

Well, could you help us?

We've been looking everywhere. I haven't seen so many pregnant women since the

big blackout.

Instructor, instructor. Oh, yes, class, exhale.

Well, look, I'm having a newcomer's class in about 15 minutes. Why don't you

just sit down and see if she shows up for that, okay? Thank you. Good. Now,

mommies, remember to listen to the daddies and obey them during natural

childbirth. Daddies are the bosses.

After baby comes, you can resume normal relationships.

Don't worry, you'll find her. This natural childbirth is the latest coming

thing. That's my daughter over there. With Mr.

Krukut. You know, when she first told me, I was very upset. But not anymore.

Like most parents, I adjusted.

You think it's okay, huh? Why not? My neighbor had three this way.

How are they?

Two are fine. One is divorced.

Excuse me. Oh, my God.

We've been looking at you. I was worried sick.

I'm sorry, Uncle Oscar, but I've just caused you so much trouble. All you do

argue and fight over me. That's ridiculous.

All we ever do is argue and fight. We never get along. We don't agree on

anything. We never agree on anything, right?

Right. But I want to have my baby my way, completely natural.

That's too natural for me.

They're your friends and they want you to go to a hospital.

Yes, your uncle is right, Miss. I mean, I teach this class and we strongly

recommend the use of a hospital. Martha, we're only thinking of you and of

Eddie.

Well, can I have it naturally?

Yes. In a hospital?

Yes.

You might just as well get in on the lessons. Oh, but your coach husband

here. Oh, you have to have a husband here to coach you.

Uncle Oscar, would you be my coach husband till Bill arrives?

Move over, will you? I've got a lady here.

Let's make a little room for the big girl. Come take your coat off.

No,

no, no. You're panting like a puppy. No, we don't want panting. We want deep

breathing. Now, slow, easy, deep, and relax.

Slow, easy, deep, and relax.

pickles and ice cream. Well, you bought them, honey. No, no, we've got a lot of

work to do. Now, next is the side relaxation position. We need you for

Now, get the pillows, because we need the dad.

Here we are.

Side relaxation.

Now, the neck and wrists must be completely limp and loose.

And the limbs must be bent. All right?

Now, relax is the key. The husband should tell the mother to relax.

Tell her to relax.

Relax, mother.

That's right.

Tell her to be limp. Rub her back. Talk to her.

Be limp.

Improvise. Give her assurance. Give her confidence. That's the key.

Come on, I want you to breathe now. You've got to breathe nice. You've got

nothing on me.

I'm telling you, you get in there, honey, and you'll breathe. You can't

We're all on your side. You're going to do it, honey.

How's that?

It's fine for between the rounds with Sugar Ray Robinson.

I don't know what to say, Felix.

You just breathe deeply. I'll help with the birth of this child. Boy, you're

going to need some more coaching.

Well, you're taking this too seriously and you're exhausting her. I'm taking

motherhood too seriously?

Now, deep abdominal breathing.

Oh, I feel funny, Uncle Oscar.

What? I feel funny.

What do you mean funny? Funny ha -ha funny or funny here funny?

Funny here funny.

Funny here funny like strange or funny like a contraction?

No, I have indigestion. No, no, no. This is nothing to worry about.

I've been a father twice. I've been through all of this.

There's no reason for panic.

Now, we've got the book here to tell us exactly what to do.

Now, just we'll assume, just for the sake of argument, that it is a

Now, how long, how long was this?

I just had the one.

Oh, well.

Then we'll just wait for another one. Meantime, I think Oscar should call

and make the whatever preparation.

It's all right with you if Nancy's called, isn't it, Martha? Sure, fine.

Now,

this has been going on for millions of years. Doctor, come here, please.

Listen, leave a message.

She's to call Oscar Madison right away.

She's in the neighborhood. She's to drop in because it's very, very important.

She shouldn't have told it like that. She'll think it's an emergency. There's

real rush.

Oh, there's another one. They feel like attraction. That's true. She's going to

have it right now.

You really think it's a contraction?

Well, why don't we time it? Stop, watch.

Time it.

Time what?

Her alleged contractions. Start it, start it.

We'll see how long it is before the next one comes along.

If there is an exit, I don't think it could have been a contraction, because

that would mean you were in labor. I know.

And you're not due for a week, so I don't think it could be a contraction.

I guess you're right. Listen, send me a cat.

Yes, it's very important.

Why? Because she's going to have the baby and I want her to go to the

Oh, no.

What strike? You had a strike last week. What is it with you guys?

Oh, there's another one.

Another one? So soon?

Well, well.

What's the time?

She's 30. No, on the stopwatch. A minute and 45 seconds. What does that mean? A

minute? Well, it doesn't mean anything unless it's under two minutes. So it's a

minute and 45. Oh, my God. She's late.

Oh, oh, no. She's going to have a little baby.

Anybody, just a white car with a bed in it.

Go to your room. Pack a light bag. Here, here. I'll tell you what you need. Take

her to the book. Pack a bag for me, too. Go, go, go.

Ambulance.

We have a pregnant woman here.

Yes.

1049 Park Avenue, apartment 1102.

And hurry.

What do you mean, an hour? Why?

What blizzard?

Wait, Oscar.

Is there a blizzard?

I can't tell. It's all white. Go to your room.

Emergency. Oh!

Felix,

will you hurry up with the pillows? What do you got there?

Chicken soup. She doesn't need chicken soup. She needs the pillows. Hurry up,

will you? Oh,

Nancy,

thank goodness you're here. What an emergency.

Take these pillows back.

Martha. Martha. Oh.

Oh.

I found Martha.

Martha? Martha's back in the bedroom having her baby.

Well, she's pregnant from Iowa with blue -brown eyes.

Well, you can forget the blue -brown eyes. The rest of her isn't Martha.

I'm sorry, miss.

Mrs.

I'm sorry.

I didn't... Forget it, Murray. You did your best.

That's what's so tragic.

I'm very sorry for the inconvenience.

Are you a runaway, too?

Are you kidding? I support both my parents.

I got a four by the two. Okay, where's the patient?

Here he is.

Wait a minute.

That's not the patient.

The call was for a pregnant girl having a baby.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Where is she? Yeah. Where's Martha?

What is that? It's a baby.

Huh? It's a baby.

A beautiful baby boy. A baby who was a beautiful, beautiful baby.

You come and sit down. You've only been a mother about two hours now. Oh, I've

known women who are up 15 minutes after childbirth. Who's the doctor here, you

or me?

Martha, that is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.

I feel funny all the time.

Oh, no.