Original subtitles

Oh, all right.

Now let's hear from the devil first.

Why were you all in the basement in the first place? It's very simple.

We went, oh.

Officer, let me explain. We were on our way to a dinner party. In the basement?

It must not be a very elegant affair.

Let me explain. You take care of Felix, see if you can straighten him out. You

mean she's really a nurse? She's a doctor.

Oh, and I suppose you're really King Arthur, right? Do you think this is the

best time possible for your funny jokes?

Just explain this to me, will you?

Where did you all get those ridiculous outfits, and why did you deliberately

break the shoe store window? Oh, I can explain that. Officer! Officer!

Arrest that man! He tried to molest my wife!

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never

return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

Fed up with all of you. Somebody better tell me everything that happened fast or

else you're all under arrest.

What charge?

Breaking and entering, disturbing the peace, possible assault and decent

exposure. Officer, could I make one final attempt to explain what happened?

Okay, double.

At seven o 'clock this evening,

I was peacefully getting dressed. I was putting my cape on.

Hey, buddy, what's new?

Felix, I just covered the greatest fight.

And fights in the middle of the afternoon?

Not a boxing match.

I covered a brawl in the hockey game.

Good, I like your hair.

Pick up your coat.

I'm not going to say anything about your cockamamie costume.

You go to any extreme, won't you? You'll be my conscience and I'll clean up my

room, right?

This is my costume for tonight.

Tonight? What's tonight?

Oscar, you know perfectly well.

Tonight, Glorious Women's Club has its annual costume party.

I thought that was tomorrow night.

How could you think it was tomorrow night? I reminded you this morning

you went to work.

Felix, you know I never listen to you in the morning.

Where's your costume?

Go get it. Listen, I want to go, too. Cost me $100 for two tickets.

No!

It's too late. The costumer closes at 6 o 'clock.

You sure?

I'll go by myself.

What are you going to do about Nancy?

Nancy? Hey, she thinks it's tomorrow night, too. No, she doesn't. I phoned

at the hospital. She listens to me.

Thanks a lot, Felix. I just lost $100. Have my girl.

Thanks a lot, Felix. Well, you know I hate to go to these stupid affairs.

I asked you to buy tickets as a favor to me as a friend.

For the last two years, Gloria's invited somebody else as her escort. I thought

if I sold a lot of tickets, she'd ask me, and she did.

Yeah, listen, Felix, can I get my money back?

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. This is a charity benefit.

Your $100 has gone to help needy orphans. All right. Never mind.

We'll find ten orphans who'll give you a dollar a piece a year for ten years.

Oh, come on. Only don't feel too bad if you get it in Venice.

Come on.

Devils don't cry.

Phoenix, look, I don't have to go with Peter Pan.

Look, we'll find me a costume. Come on. I know there's something in my room we

can find. Come on.

Why don't you go as the stale cracker?

It's not clever enough. I got it. Listen, I'll put on my hat. I'll put a

by my hair. I'll go as a sports writer.

That's clever. You don't like that one. I'll tell you what I could do. I could

wear the bedspread, goes a germ. Why don't you wear the whole room and goes

plague?

Oh, what's the use?

I can just be Gloria, dressed as an angel with a shining halo and dainty

wings, hating my guts.

Come on. Felix, you're overreacting.

Look, I'll help you out. Have I ever let you down before?

How many times have I tried to bring you and Gloria together and I just sat on a

banana, would you believe me?

I've begged you not to eat in bed.

Why do you sleep with your food?

Coyotes sleep with their food.

Take bananas off pants.

Why don't you call a monkey?

I could go nude as Mr. Godiva. Another joke.

That's it.

I'm going by myself.

You're going to break Nancy's heart. You're going to ruin Gloria's evening,

you're going to ruin my evening. I hope you're happy.

What is it, Felix?

What?

What? You look like you have a light bulb on your head. What is it?

There's a suit of armor in the basement.

What were you doing down in the basement? I noticed it when I was

basement last year. You cleaned the basement? I had a thing to kill. There's

little thing on me, so it'll be perfect for you.

Nancy.

There she is.

You're exactly on time.

You forgot your costume. I didn't, Felix. It's right here in the box.

Oscar, where's your costume?

Oscar's going to be a knight in shining armor. His costume's down in the

basement. We're going down there and get it now. Oh, all right. Well, I have to

get into my costume and put on my makeup. We'll be back for you in seven

minutes. Good. Okay.

Oscar. What?

You've got mashed potatoes on your hand.

No, no bananas.

Oh, no. Would you look at this place?

One year ago, this place was spotless.

Stop carrying the world on your shoulders. Just find the arm of Venus.

Venus, your tail's getting dirty.

Boy, the owner of this place certainly collected a lot of memorabilia, didn't

he? Some of my room is junk down here. It's memorabilia. Because the owner

doesn't sleep down here.

This won't take much of this. I can't take much of a honking. Take your tail,

please. There it is.

There it is. Oh, boy.

Well,

the night of waters, but the corona didn't die.

Oh, just a little bit of rust. What's that? Take it.

Oh,

this has a lot of character. This is huge. I wouldn't wear it, but it's huge.

Now I know how a sardine feels.

What is that? Why is it your collar? Oh, I saw that picture with Louis here.

What do I got, a tin necktie with it?

Here we are.

Now, isn't that nice? Yeah, it's very comfortable. A little polish.

We'll have you in perfect shape. Look out, please. I'm back. I'm like Allison.

Give me your hand. Well, you better go. Quick.

Got you.

Oh, you look like a million bucks.

Yeah. Now, take your pants off. Take my pants off? Take your pants off. Why do I

have to take off my pants? Because I don't want to get banana all over the

inside of this beautiful armor. Come on, take them off. What's a man worried

about the cockamamie?

Rusty, they're mean. Don't worry about catching pneumonia.

You've got to put these up. Tell the rats to turn their heads.

Hurry up.

Meet you in the lobby. I'll get my hands clean. I'll get a bottle of polish.

We'll polish you up in the cabin. Take your pants off on your own.

This has got to be fun.

I hope I don't get an itch.

This is great.

Good job.

Oh, boy.

That would work perfectly well if somebody would wind me up.

You know something? If you fall, the armor will break your fall.

Just the kind of reassurance I need. I like to break your fall.

The door's locked.

What? It's locked.

Oh, it's all right. I got the key in my pants.

I'll go get them.

Your pants are upstairs, soaking.

I had to get the banana out.

What did you do with the keys?

I took them out of the pocket.

coffee table.

Thank you, Felix, for saving my pants and ruining my life. We don't get

in ten minutes.

My whole life is shot to hell.

That's what you're dressed for.

I see some broken glass, a couple of empty beer cans, and a lot of loose

garbage. This street is filthy.

It hasn't been cleaned in weeks.

Do you see any people, human beings, passing by?

Hey, hey, Mr. Herman!

What's going on here?

Oh, we're glad to see you.

Oh, well, I'm glad to see you, too. You know, if you hadn't pulled my pants, I'd

have missed you.

Boy, these are deplorable living conditions.

Oh, we don't live here. We're on our way to a party.

Well, who's throwing it? Both of the clowns?

We're locked in. We can't get out.

Locked in? Yeah. All along? Yeah. Well, in that case, reach for it. It's a stick

-up.

Listen, mister, I don't... Where's the name?

Vern. I don't approve of this.

Oh, darn it. And I was really trying to impress you. What is this?

Two watches and an empty purse?

Come on, where's the wallet? Where's the cash? We don't have any cash.

She told you we were in costume. What do you want us to do, carry our wallets in

our teeth?

You know this wasn't even worth bending down for?

Vern, I realize this is a disappointment for you, but why don't you turn it into

something good and help us get out of here? Look, bud, I'd love to help you,

I'm sick of escaping out my bag. Come on, be a sport.

Sorry. Peace, peace.

Vern!

Poor Gloria.

An angel alone at the table for four.

Hey, Felix, give me a hand. this with it.

What is it?

Well, it's the main heater pipe to all the apartments.

Well, bang on it. They'll hear us. Stop already with the banging. We're not

going to bang. We're going to overheat all the apartments. One of them will

to come down and fix it. Sometimes I don't give you the credit. You got

Give me a hand.

Oh, I'll probably catch pneumonia.

Look at your beard.

What are you smiling about?

The scene cleared my sinuses.

Hmm.

Will you stop playing with your tail?

This is just horrible.

What time is it?

I don't know. Vern stole my watch.

Don't nod. I know you think I'm responsible for this whole thing. No, I

think you're responsible for the whole thing.

It's not your fault that Vern came and robbed us. Thank you, Felix. Everything

else I'm responsible for. Whose idea was it to come down to sell us? We came

down here because you forgot your costume. That's why we came down here.

yeah? And who was stupid enough...

You're blaming this on me?

Nobody's blaming you, but it was you who carelessly closed the door.

It's true. I did close the door, and perhaps that was careless of me, and I'm

sorry. But why is it that every time I walk into this apartment building, I

into the middle of a catastrophe? Oh, that's not... There is belief. There is

less confusion in an emergency ward. Now, I won't be a part of your craziness

anymore. Oh, Nancy. Oscar.

Where could she go?

I don't want to discuss it. Oscar, you stay on your side of the room. Felix,

get over there and... We'll just leave each other alone until help arrives.

Again you're playing with your tail?

You got your wish, Felix.

They just cleaned the street.

Hey, you're on my side of the room.

Oh, let's not fight, honey. It's all right with Felix, but not with you.

forgive. Let's make friends with Felix.

What fool? Look how nice and quiet it is. I'd rather be his enemy.

What's he talking about?

Why don't you ask him?

What are you talking about? A peace offering. Come on. Sit here.

Nancy, you sit here.

See what you find when you tidy up?

Not a great year, but good.

Perfectly adequate.

Where'd you get all this food?

Someone must have done some canning and they left it down here. There's jam,

Indian chutney, kosher pickles.

That's great food if you're a Jewish elephant boy. I think it's nice. Let's

a toast. Okay, what do we toast to? To what?

Friendship. And warmer basement.

Okay. Here we go.

Music. There are marvelous old records here. I think it's so great how you

cheered yourself up. Why, brood? I've lost the only woman in the world I love.

We're trapped here forever.

Let's dance.

You know something?

What? You're cute.

Oh, you should see us when we have our fights, Felix. They're real beauts.

I don't believe you.

You know, Felix, it's just remarkable how you cleaned up in here.

We might as well die clean.

You hid the dirty dishes.

What about the dumbwaiter?

The dumbwaiter? I didn't know they had a dumbwaiter here.

Yeah, look in here.

Felix, is this dumbwaiter going to our kitchen?

No, it does. It's boarded up. It's behind our icebox.

Does it go up to all the kitchens and all the apartments? I know what you're

thinking. They're all boarded up.

What have we got to lose?

No, this thing's a hundred years old. It isn't safe.

The worst that could happen, I'll knock on a couple of walls, they'll think I'm

a termite. Oh, no.

It's a hundred years old. You can't do it. We've got no alternative.

This is no place for a lady. I'll do it. I'll do it. All right.

I'll tell you what. What?

If I pull it off.

What's the matter?

Close that on my tail.

Don't you, eh?

I pull the rope once. Yeah.

Pull me up. Okay. If I pull it twice, that means pull me down. Right, okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

If I pull three times, that means I'm in trouble. Okay. And if I pull four

times... Oh, she's going to clean it again. Close the door.

If I pull four times... All right.

If I pull four times...

Who was that on the telephone?

Oh, Herman.

It was the man selling magazine subscriptions.

Will you stop with the jealousy?

Magazine subscriptions?

You think I was born yesterday?

I know what you're up to. I'm a dissentuous woman. Oh, I should have had

sense than to get mixed up with a younger woman.

Baby dog. I love you.

Don't I always whisper sweet nothings in your good ears?

Hello? Hello in there?

What? Hello?

What is that?

What's going on? That's just funny.

Hello?

Hello?

A little help, please?

Florence! Am I glad to see you. Who is this?

I'm Felix Unger from upstairs. Listen, we're stuck in the basement. What kind

freaks are you running around with now?

What are you supposed to do, dress up like an angel? No, actually, Gloria is

going to be the angel. Listen to me. Please! Freaks!

Oh, Herman!

When will you learn to grow up?

Yes, I just don't turn her on anymore.

Oscar, there's a signal.

He wants you to pull him up further. Either that or he's polishing the roof.

We're in big trouble here. There's no time. I must drink the potion.

Philip, are your folks home?

Philip, hey, what are you doing?

Mr. and Mrs.

Wexler? Hello? Hey, don't drink that.

That's dangerous. Don't do that, Philip.

Philip.

Philip, are you all right?

Are you all right?

Hello? Hello, anybody else home here?

Science marches on.

Hey, Philip, this is... This is serious. No more kidding around. Come on. You

must not reveal my true identity.

Mr. and Mrs. Wexler.

Oscar.

Oscar.

Lower me slowly.

I'm going to put him on a diet.

And if you say that again, I'll bash your skull in.

Oh. I'm a doctor. Tell me where it hurts.

It hurts every place I can mention and a couple I can't mention.

Oh.

What's the difference?

We're never going to see the light of day again. Phoenix, I got a great idea.

What? We'll go back to yelling.

And there's a fire hydrant out there. And there's a mailbox out there. Very

funny, Felix. I break the light. They come to fix the light. When they come to

fix the light, we yell. Then they come and they save us.

Oscar, that light's 30 feet away.

No trouble for old Fireball?

Oscar, in New York, it takes 10 days to fix a stoplight. Why are you so

negative?

I've stood up my ex -wife.

My entire body is hurting me.

I'm standing in a freezing basement with no hope of survival.

And a man is going to save me by tossing a little piece of coal through a grate

at a light this big 30 feet away.

That's why I'm negative.

Just step back.

Good luck.

Thank you.

That was low on insight.

Now he's giving us play -by -play coverage.

All two?

Yeah, but I'm getting closer.

The guy across the street's going to love me, because I just broke his

Nice going, fireball.

How nice of that old man not to press charges.

Do you think the officer will make out a report?

No, take all night. Don't worry about that.

I don't have my tickets to the party.

Did you lose them? No, Vern stole them.

What if he goes to the party?

He'll sit with Gloria. She'll be sitting with a bandit.

Felix, will you relax? He's not going to go to the party. I hope not.

Everything's going to be fine.

I wonder what's taking Oscar so long with his costume.

Here, let me help you. Can you fix this?

Oscar, what's taking you so long?

I'm ready. I'm ready.