Original subtitles

Up to you, Murray.

This would be a great hand if we were playing gin.

It would be a great game if you play your hand.

Cops just can't get a break nowadays.

Cards, Vinnie. Will you wait a second? I don't want to lose count.

It's a real joy to play with you. You know, like playing with a natty machine.

Will you say how many cards you want? All right. Give me two.

Two. Deal or take one? I bet $2.

You see me?

I see you.

What do you got? Three sevens.

That's what I... Fisher!

You know why?

Because I've got a poker face. You don't have a poker face. Oh, go write a book.

You know what I hate worse than a poor loser? And I'm not just willing to take

your money.

Cash me in, fellas.

Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean?

I've got a date.

Oh, well, she won't mind if you pick her up a few hours late. She's picking me

up. Good. We'll deal her in. Oscar, appeal to him. He's your friend. I can't

anything to him. He really digs this girl. In fact, he hasn't moaned about

ex -wife for weeks now.

There she is.

When she comes in, put on your coat. What do you mean, put on your coat?

playing poker.

All right, but at least watch your language and stand up like a nice

Who is she anyway, Princess Grace?

Hello, darling. I want you to meet my friends.

Fellas, this is Madeline.

I think you know Oscar.

I see.

Biddy and Murray. Hello.

Nice to see you again, Madeline. I keep standing, but it's my deal.

Oh, no, that's all right. I just hope that I'm not interrupting your game.

What's there to interrupt? No one's got any money.

Nobody but Felix.

Why don't you have yourself some sandwiches?

No, that's poker food. I'm going to take you to a nice restaurant. Come into the

kitchen. I have a surprise for you.

How do you like that?

Poker food's good enough for us.

On to the queen.

Gee, that Felix is doing all right. Well, I'm not. Come on, let's play. I've

seen that girl somewhere.

She works at a library.

How would you ever see her? No, no, that's not it. But I'm sure I've seen

Will you, Andy, please?

Felix, you're always luring me into the kitchen.

Kitchen is the most romantic room in the house.

Food is sensual.

Well, where's my surprise?

Oh.

Felix Unger's special homemade oatmeal cookies for you to take home. Oh, Felix,

that's so sweet.

Well, you don't always get enough time to eat, I think. You're too thin.

Oh.

If you don't have one now, it'll spoil your appetite. Just a bite.

So delicious.

Right.

Murray.

I got four beautiful cards, but I need one more.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where was it? Where was it? Where was it? Find me.

I got it.

It's not your turn.

No, I mean I remembered where I saw that girl. It was only last week. I arrested

her for indecent exposure.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison. Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

I remember.

Arrested her for what?

On a morals charge, indecent exposure.

Boy, what a relief.

A relief?

Yeah. If I hadn't remembered, I'd be up all night.

Hey, I wonder if Felix knows.

There's nothing to know. She's a librarian. Now, let's play cards.

Hey, maybe she's a topless librarian.

You're crazy.

Madeline's a sweet, lovely girl. Come on, will you?

Oscar's right.

A nice girl like that wouldn't get indecently exposed unless it was for a

good reason.

Listen, you hear of those off -Broadway plays where nobody wears any clothes?

She's in one of those.

She's the lead in one of those.

I don't believe that. Me neither.

What's the name of the play?

Bathtub. That don't sound so dirty to me.

I've heard of that play.

It's not a dirty play.

One reviewer said that it was a stunning reappraisal of social values.

Looked more like a naked reappraisal of social values.

What are you trying to tell me, that that sweet librarian is the lead in a

off -Broadway show?

Oscar, we raid the place every week.

Yeah, but Murray, it's a very moral play.

I understand that they have this huge bathtub that symbolizes the world, and

then the actors symbolize humanity, cleansing themselves.

Nude. Well, you can't take a bath with your clothes on.

You're crazy. It just doesn't fit.

I never forget a face.

In a play like that, who looks at a face?

Well, oh, Vinnie, where's my money?

We have to go, fellas.

Feel free. We don't want to keep you.

We don't want to rush you either.

Yeah, we don't want to keep you and we don't want to rush you.

It was nice to meet you all.

Well, have a good game.

Thanks a lot, Felix. With what you left us, we might just as well play strip

poker.

Hiya. What are you doing up so early?

Don't sit there. You know better than that. I couldn't sleep.

Got your breakfast?

No, I'm not hungry. I'm just going to nibble.

Have a good time last night?

Fantastic.

I always have a good time with Madeline.

Really? My girl?

She's the greatest girl I've ever met.

Wow.

That's a pretty big statement.

A girl you don't know very long. How long does it take?

I've dated enough girls to know when it's right.

Right.

She's done the impossible.

What's that?

Let me stop thinking about glory.

Has it ever occurred to you to use a napkin? Hold that over.

I hope you're not rushing into anything.

You know, I dated my ex -wife for six years.

Still turned out that I was rushing.

Pickle, chocolate cookies, and beer for breakfast.

Are you kidding? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

I thought you liked her.

I do, I do, but I'm a reporter and I'm curious.

She has no sisters or eligible girlfriends, so you think you're going

on that? That's not what I was thinking. For instance, like, what does she do

when she's not with you, for instance?

She does the laundry. She cleans her apartment. She works at the library.

She depends on me for excitement.

Oh, do you use her library? I mean, you ever see her at work? No, the branch is

too far away. Where is it?

I don't know.

Somewhere off Broadway, she said.

doing here i'm here because my best friend's girl may not be on the level

that's part of the reason i'm here yeah face it oscar we're all dying of

curiosity hey don't i know you from the peekaboo movie houses your name's mel

right you got the wrong guy turn around i'm gonna just make sure it's manual

well even if it isn't we're still in for a great evening at the theater once in

your best friend's girl take a bath there's great theater you said it buddy

aesthetic You gonna turn around, Mel? What are you gonna do?

You have to give this new theater a chance before you condemn it.

Besides, this sort of thing is making a lot of money.

It's gotta.

They don't spend a dime on wood, bro.

See,

there's nothing wrong with that.

Look, I think that the actors are holding hands to symbolize the

man.

Just dark naked.

My brother's 41 years old. I never saw him naked.

Where are they going to the tub?

Audience involvement.

The water of life seeps over me. But it does not cleanse.

Why? Why?

It cannot cleanse without the soap. We're all waiting for the soap of life.

waiting for the towel of life.

When will the soap of life arrive?

Who knows?

No one knows.

Stand up again.

You get her.

So you know what I am? Easy. Get off me, will you? I am the rubber ducky.

You look like a penguin. Don't be a wise guy. I am the rubber ducky. Somebody

get the rubber ducky off me, please. Relax, Oscar. He's part of the play.

relax. I'm a messenger from the bathtub. I accuse you, sir, of war, poverty, and

pollution. Come.

Cleanse yourself in the tub.

Come on, give me a break, will you, Robert? All right, stay dirty.

Madam, how about you?

Whatever happened to plays like Time Out for Ginger?

Hello, hello.

Who else will come into the bathtub?

Come on in. The water of life is great.

What's the matter, Oscar?

Take a look over there.

Eat this, Madeline.

Take your indifference and join us in the bathtub.

Oh, but I don't know if I should.

Take it off, baby. Be aesthetic.

That's what she's doing.

She's throwing in the towel.

No, I'm a maitre d' from the North Pole.

Oh, fella, is it you working here? Yeah, I'm the producer, and you can't see any

of the girls, and if you want a program, it'll cost you a buck and a half. Oh,

no, I'm a personal friend of Marilyn's.

Could you tell me where her dressing room is?

What would she need with a dressing room? Will you stop with that joke,

This is serious.

Sure, it's serious, but it's also comical. What is?

Avant -garde theater.

All I know is this is the first play I've ever seen that left a ring around

stage. Not a joke, is it?

Miss Waters' dressing room is right over there.

Fellas, whoa, whoa, whoa, come on. Now, look, I don't think it's right for all

of us to go and see Madeline. Oh, you think she might feel like she's facing a

jury, huh? Hey, you know, I think I should just go see her alone.

Look, Oscar, we don't want to put you on the spot, but Felix is our friend, too.

Yeah, but he's always used to me butting in.

Oscar's right.

I mean, if he's going to hate somebody for interfering, he might as well hate

his best friend.

That's a lot of baby.

Okay, let's wait outside.

You know...

I wonder why she's keeping things from Felix. I don't know. But she didn't keep

anything from us, huh?

Did you see the play? Yeah, I saw the play.

Were you shocked?

No, I understand avant -garde. Some of it's serious, some of it's comedy. You

were shocked. I was shocked.

Well,

you shouldn't be, Oscar. After all, it's a perfectly legitimate play. It even

won an award. I'm a sports writer, not a drama critic. I'll tell you one thing.

I know I don't like that rubber ducky, but I thought you were a librarian.

Yes. I know. You work at the library during the day. You work here at night.

three days a week you work at the library, and then you come in. Do you

library card?

I'm an actress.

There is no library.

That means you lied to Felix. No.

Well, I meant to tell him, but I just wanted to make it gradual.

Well, what do you call gradual?

Felix, I'm a librarian. Felix, I'm a librarian in the anatomy section.

No, no, look.

Oscar, I really do care about Felix.

I mean, he's so sweet and he's understanding, but I just don't think

understand this.

I mean, you see, I just wanted to wait until we got to know each other a little

better. That's your costume, huh?

Yeah.

Look, you know him six weeks.

What, are you going to wait until you were walking down the aisle and then

Felix, I'm an actress in a nude play?

I want to tell him, Oscar.

You got to tell him.

I mean, I can't let you lie to him.

You're right.

You're right, Oscar.

I'll tell him on our next date.

That a girl. The truth is always better. When my ex -wife finally told me the

truth, it solved all our problems.

What did she tell you?

That she wanted a divorce.

Oh, Murray, I'm glad you told me. This way I was able to talk to Madeline. I

told her she had to tell Felix the truth.

Of course she was wearing clothes.

Listen, I better call you back.

Felix is home. Bye -bye.

Hi, buddy. You're home early.

How you feeling?

What is it, Felix?

Good boy.

Something's the matter. Never saw you make a sloppy drink before.

It's Madeline, huh?

Rather not talk about it. She told you. I mean, I'll bet she told you something.

She told me something.

It's destroyed me.

Felix, whatever she told you, Madeline is still a sweet, lovely girl. Nothing

has changed.

Everything's changed.

She told me the truth.

The truth is better than a lie, Felix.

Not this time.

Your ship sails tomorrow.

Ship sails tomorrow? What are you talking about?

Madeline took a job at a library in Peru.

Peru?

Felix?

Felix?

You messed up my room. What are you doing?

I don't want to mess up my room. I have to throw things.

Not the sandwich.

I'm not through with it yet. My midnight snack.

She never cared for me. Of course she cared for you. That's why she told you

was going to Peru.

Bringing the Dewey Decimal System to the Incas.

Can you believe such a wild story, Felix? Will you tell me that? Not so

The Incas will love her.

Felix, the truth is much simpler.

See, Felix, she's a naked actress in an off -Broadway play.

Oh, Oscar, this is no time to be kidding me.

Kidding about a thing like that?

Felix. Felix, listen to me.

Felix, she was afraid to tell you.

She's working in a play called Bathtub.

It's the lowest, most abominable thing you've ever said to me.

Well, some people think it's hard. Please don't sit on my bed. It's a

thing to say.

Not a woman I care for.

Even if the play got good notices.

Felix. It's not such a terrible thing, and that's why she's afraid to tell you.

You're such a boy scout.

Do you think by putting her down you're going to make me feel better?

It's not going to work. Felix, I am not trying to put her down. I just want you

to know she is not a librarian.

She's an actress.

Nude. You're pushing me too far, Oscar Madison.

All right, killer.

Let's go.

We're getting out of here. Where are we going?

Visit the Incas.

poverty and pollution.

Come cleanse yourself in the tub.

Glad we got her after the rubber ducky.

Look more like a penguin.

Shh, don't be a wise guy.

This is dumb.

Who's going to see this with my theater group anyway?

Should we just watch the play?

Hello, hello.

Who else will come into the bathtub?

Come on in. The water of life is great.

Hiya, Mel.

It's good to see you again.

What's this Mel business?

You're leading a secret life that I don't know anything about?

I'm not the only one, Felix.

Prepare yourself.

Please, help me.

I'm wrapped in a towel of indifference.

Shed your indifference and join us in the bathtub.

Oh, but I don't know if I should.

Don't! Don't! Oh!

Oh, hey!

He put his coat over the best part!

Oh, let

him

alone! Come on, let him alone!

Let him alone?

Why? So he can put clothes on the rest of my actors? He didn't hurt anybody.

Are you kidding? I gotta give everyone their money back.

Give him a break. He loves her. So does everyone else, but they don't drag her

off the stage.

Murray!

Murray, you wouldn't do this if I was David Merrick, you know that? I didn't

know you guys would be here. Neither did I.

All right, I'll take charge of this group.

Got a complaint on a riot.

I started it.

I didn't hear that. He said he started it. Shh. He started the riot. I got to

arrest him. So I didn't hear he started the riot. You got a heart of gold.

You're a good friend, Murray. That's very nice, Murray.

I'll just arrest Madeline.

How can you do that?

Easy. I do it once a week. It's my duty.

Don't worry, Felix. I'll be out in a couple of hours. I can't wait a couple

hours. I want to talk to you now.

How could you do a thing like that?

I'm supposed to take in the whole cast. She's the lead. You want me to get in

trouble with the actors' union?

Who's gonna know about it? Give him ten minutes alone.

All right, men, let's search the dressing room.

Pig? Penguin?

What's going on here?

What's going on? None of your business.

Oh, yes, it is.

Why? Because I'm the author of this play.

Where's my producer?

Clyde. Bruce, I'm sorry. Listen, get yourself another duck, and I want two

weeks' severance pay from you. Well, look, keep the costume. Okay, load him

in the wagon.

Oh, Bruce.

Bruce, we got a hit here.

No, no, he didn't hit me. See, I'm a friend of hers. I'm not in a fight. Oh,

what are you saying?

Why don't you get mugged by a walrus?

What do you want, Felix?

Do you want me to give up my career?

No.

Why should I look at you differently just because you're not wearing clothes?

But you're not the only one. I wouldn't care if the whole world went naked.

I'd even be neater.

But, Felix, you and I hit it off so well together because you thought I was a

librarian. No, not because I thought you were a librarian.

Because you're you.

You mean my being in the play really doesn't bother you? Absolutely not.

Oh, Felix, then why did you run up on stage and cover me up?

Just an impulsive act. I suddenly saw a naked librarian there. I didn't see an

actress.

But you lied to me.

You had no faith in me.

Why didn't you trust me?

Oh, but Felix, can't you understand why I lied to you?

I'm ready, Murray.

Madeline, keep the coat.

your feathers.

Thanks, officer. And you, I hope your igloo melts.

Hey, buddy.

How'd it go with Madeline?

Don't mind falling in. No.

Looks like the little theater we had in college.

Yeah.

I played Jake Weasley.

All the world's a stage.

All the world's a stage.

And all the men and women, merely players.

And each man in his time plays many parts.

Hey, that's great.

No.

I played the fool then, I played the fool tonight.

Felix, in my opinion, you were the best thing in the show tonight.

Thanks,

Felix.

Hi, buddy.

Hmm.

Next question.

Come on, Felix. There's going to be a lot of other girls.

If it's for me, tell them I died.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Your ex -wife.

I'm not here. Not here.

Yes, he's here.

I won't talk to him. I won't talk to him. Yeah, he said he's glad you called.

Tell him I'm going out. I've got a date with the actress.

Yeah. Nothing. He was sitting around listening to music.

Dinner. Tomorrow night at 8. Absolutely.

He says he'd love to.

Bye, dear.

Bye -bye.

What are friends for?