Original subtitles

Mmm.

Did you get enough to eat?

Enough. I got enough of the Los Angeles Dodgers and the New York Mets.

I take it my cooking's a success.

Are you kidding? It's better than ballpark food.

But is it better than Felix's?

Hey, wait a minute. Felix is a great cook, but it's a whole different burger.

See, Felix sets a meal down, then he stands over me. He says, how is it? I

it's great.

He says, just great?

I said, no, Felix, it's sensational.

He says, just sensational?

I said, Felix, it's the best meal I ever had in my whole life. He says, don't

talk with your mouth.

Like eating with a Gestapo.

So you really like my cooking? It's good.

Just good?

You know, you amaze me.

How do you manage an entire medical career and still look and cook like an

angel? A girl has to know how to cook.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

I learned that in medical school.

Should I save the leftover stroganoff for Felix? No, Felix is allergic to

anything with mayonnaise or sour cream in it. Besides, he won't eat other

people's cooking.

He's so strange.

Yeah, he was.

He was so nervous tonight.

He was like a kid going out on his first date instead of a divorced man having

dinner with his ex -wife.

You know, every week is becoming reconciliation week with him.

Does he really want to get back together again, McGloria? More than anything in

the whole world.

Listen, will you forget about the dishes? I want to talk to you. Very

Where are you going? No, I don't know. I'm going to be independent since my

dinner was such a hit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm going to take back what I said about ballpark.

Oh, I've got a pain that

only your bedside manner can make.

Well, it's Felix's timing, but it can't be Felix.

It can be Felix.

Felix? What happened?

What are you doing home so early?

I came home to die.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison. Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Laurie will never speak to me again.

My life is over.

Well, I'm sure it was your fault. What did you do to make her mad at you? I

don't know. I don't know. You do know. You do know. It was a combination of

things. I could feel the hostility begin to rise when I pushed the piano back by

the window where it belonged.

Nothing pleases a woman more than to have a man rearrange her furniture.

All right, Felix.

Let's have the rest, huh?

You know how I am about salads. Yeah?

The lettuce was gritty.

Gloria never knew how to wash vegetables.

You told her something about the vegetables? No, I didn't. No, I didn't

word. I was good.

I excused myself from the table.

I took the salad into the kitchen and I rewashed it. Oh, Felix, no.

You didn't.

No woman likes to have her lettuce rewashed. No wonder Gloria blew her

You went over there to make an evening of success, right?

You know, Felix, with you, being in love is always having to say you're sorry. I

know. I know it. I know it. I can't help it.

Gloria's a wonderful person.

But when it comes to housekeeping, bats keep their caves cleaner.

Damage is done, Felix. Why don't you go to sleep? Maybe you'll feel better.

I'll never sleep again.

Too upset.

Why don't you go in and brood with your eyes closed?

You're right.

Don't worry about me. I'll survive.

Yeah, but I won't.

Oscar, I have to get up very early tomorrow morning. Why don't you take me

and then come back? Oh, but Nancy! Felix, is there something you want Oscar

bring back for you?

Just some poison.

Let's see if I can find a store that's open.

What is it now, Felix? I have to get up early.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I spoiled your evening with Nancy.

You told me 14 times.

You sure you're not mad at me?

The first 13 times, I wasn't.

Now I'm not so sure.

Go to sleep, will you?

Can't sleep.

You're going to sit out here in the hall a while and think.

Good night, old friend.

Go back to sleep.

How can I sleep with you sitting ten feet away doing all that loud thinking?

Don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

I just didn't want to be alone, that's all. Go back to sleep. Go back to sleep.

I don't have any sympathy for you, Felix. No sympathy at all.

I don't deserve any. Well, you're not going to get any. I don't deserve any.

Shut up!

It was so important for you and Gloria to get along tonight, and you

deliberately insulted her.

Not deliberately. I excused myself like a gentleman. I said I was going to the

kitchen to get a glass of water.

Carrying your salad. That's very smart.

You sure was angry at me when she came into the kitchen.

She tried to stuff my tie into the meat grinder.

You can hardly blame her, Felix. It's a sloppy world. It doesn't like people who

go around trying to tidy it up.

I know it.

I know it, but I can't help it.

It's my nature.

Some people are born with skinny legs. I was born fastidious.

Well, you ought to try harder to change.

And your legs, they ain't that great either, you know.

All my life I've been this way, as long as I can remember.

Remember when I was a little kid, I couldn't have been more than five.

My grandfather came to visit us.

That's good news, Julie.

Give him my love and don't worry, darling.

That's right, darling.

All right. Bye -bye.

Where's your mother, Felix?

Is Daddy all right? He's going to be fine. There were no broken bones.

But it was very bad of you to leave a bar of soap where somebody could fall on

it. Yes, sir.

You had no business washing the sidewalk in the first place.

But it was dirty.

Leaves, gum, hopscotch marks.

Don't talk back. You were a nice boy, Felix.

But you were a lot of trouble to your mommy and daddy, you know that?

Getting sent home from kindergarten because you refused to do your finger

painting. I didn't refuse, Grandpa.

Felix, you can't do your finger painting with mittens on.

But the paint was... messy. You're talking back again.

Felix, Felix, Felix, you're a nice little boy, but why do you have to be so

darn clean if there are two things that nobody likes?

It's a dirty old man and a clean little boy.

Can you imagine how tough that was on me?

Not you, that poor old man.

I'm hopeless.

Oh, Felix, you're not hopeless. You're not hopeless. Now, come on.

Weird, maybe, but not hopeless.

Felix Unger is a neurotic. I like winning better.

Thank you. Felix, I'm going to calm you down.

I'm going to make you a Hornet Deluxe. A Hornet Deluxe? Oh, you're going to flip

for this. Sounds like a hamburger for insects.

You're going to love this drink. I learned to make it in the army.

You get one part vodka, see?

And then you do one part scotch, see?

And then you do three parts of malt liquor.

And some secret ingredients.

This used to relax me in the foxholes.

Also when I lived with my ex -wife.

I'd rather have cocoa.

You can put cocoa in it, too. Nothing hurts.

You'll drink it.

You'll relax. You'll fall asleep.

And then you'll wake up in the morning and everything will look brighter.

I doubt it. You want it with or without a twist?

What difference does it make? It doesn't make any difference at all. Weird.

That's not weird, Felix. I was just babbling. You were a normal kid. You

in college you were on the boxing team. You were never knocked down.

I wouldn't permit myself to be knocked down.

Filthy canvas.

I'm going to go back to weird. Felix, don't you see that's your problem?

That I don't like filthy canvas?

Gloria could forgive you for drinking, for gambling, even for hitting her.

But she can't forgive you for being cleaner than she is. It makes her feel

insecure. Why is cleanliness so unpopular?

It's next to godliness.

Then save it for when you get to heaven.

How's the drink?

Good.

Except for the twist.

I'm surprised you're still awake. I've seen that drink knock out an entire

squadron. Except for a couple of chunky whacks.

Doesn't bother me.

Give me another one, will you? Another one? You better get to bed. You have to

get up early.

I can't go to bed till we get this thing straightened out, Felix.

I don't want to keep living with a guy who's always unhappy, doesn't know where

his next laugh is coming from, and... Sweet dreams, really.

I haven't seen you since the day you were run over by the garbage truck.

Yeah, that was an ironic way to go, wasn't it? You know, one day later and

garbage man would have been back on strike.

I was surprised to find you were here.

Last time I heard about you, you were at the Julie Andrews home for the

incurably neat.

I passed away there.

Of natural causes?

Natural causes.

They gave me a glass of orange juice with lipstick on it. I died of disgust.

You haven't changed, really.

But some things have changed. Look how neat and clean your desk is.

Oh, this is nothing. You should see my cloud.

Felix, one changes when one comes through the pearly gates. One hasn't

entirely.

Dust. Felix, that's star dust.

Dust is still dust.

I'll take care of it.

What's the matter? Look at this phone cord. Isn't this funny? What's funny

it? You never could keep your telephone cord untangled. You know how that

irritates me?

Felix, up here in heaven, we don't worry about things like foam, cords, and

dust. We take things a lot easier.

Fine. Good. Now, as I said, your papers are in order. Here are your wings.

Look, go through that door. Yes.

Turn right at the assembly room, and they'll attach your wings. These wings

soiled. They're not soiled.

I can't wear these. Whoever does your laundry should be informed about a

substance known as soap.

Felix, I'm in charge of the laundry.

That explains it.

Felix, I... have the patience of a saint. In fact, I happen to be a saint,

see. But you're worse than my ex -wife.

How she got up here, I'll never know. Now, look, Felix, see what's happening?

You're making me lose my temper. I had no idea heaven was run such a slipshod

way. I'm getting feelings I never had since I left Earth.

Well, I can't wear these. They're disgusting.

Okay, old buddy.

I hate to do this. What? Do what?

Hot, hot, hot line.

Hello, Adolph.

Yeah. Listen, I've got a reject for you.

Yeah, but don't be too rough on him. He's an old friend of mine. Yeah.

Okay, I'll send him right down. Bye -bye. No!

No! I hope you're wearing summer underwear. No, no. I love the wings.

me. Honest. I love them, Oscar.

Please. Please, give me another chance.

Oscar.

Oscar. What?

How can a grown man sleep with so much junk?

I can't find my teddy bear. Good night.

Oh, Oscar, I had the most terrible nightmare.

I dreamed I couldn't get into heaven because I'm too neat.

Felix, if you don't get this craziness out of your system, you're never going

go back with Gloria.

I told you I'm hopeless.

Gloria doesn't want anybody like me. She'll find somebody exactly like

and the two of them will live sloppily ever after.

Help me.

Phoenix, I don't... Please!

All right, Phoenix, if I help you, you promise to do everything I tell you?

And no questions? No. Okay, I'm going to cure you of your need. How?

Now is the question.

Are you kidding? Of course I know how irritating he is, but I also know he has

many great qualities. The most important one is that he loves you and he loves

the kids. What do you say?

You will? Oh, that's great.

Goodbye. Love you, baby. Love you.

Who are you talking to, your bookie? No, your ex -wife.

You and Gloria.

Oh, my. Oh, come on, will you? Felix, I called her for you.

For me? Yeah, if I let you call her, you would have blown it, so I called her

for you.

I kind of wish you hadn't.

He throws his cigar in the sink.

So, what did she say?

She's going to give me another chance.

Yeah? Yeah, even though she's really bugged with me.

See me again?

She invited you to dinner on Monday night. Now, we have to start a program

changing you into a nice, normal, sloppy human being. What is this?

It's making cereal. I don't want to dirty the dishes.

That is disgusting.

I'm going to have to wash out this old muck.

You've got to get used to this. It's part of the cure. Come on, let's start

program.

If I let you do it your way, you'll blow it. I won't. I won't. Yes, you will.

Listen, if you go there, the furniture is not in its right place. Just leave it

alone. I'll leave it. I'll leave it.

And if the lettuce is a little gritty, just forget it. I'll eat it. I'll eat

Once when I was a kid, I ate a whole mud pie.

Don't worry. Don't worry. I won't make the same mistake twice.

Good. Try to be a little tolerant.

I will. I'll be tolerant. I'll be casual. I'll be generous. I'll blow it

this is a losing battle. I can't even look at you drink that horrible

without my stomach turning over.

Stop making those crazy noises. Nobody wants to remarry a moose. I can change

you if you put yourself on my head. I don't know. Oh, come on, Phoenix. You

promised. Now take it easy. Sit down. Come on. Come on. Please. Try.

Just try.

Hey, on the table, he puts.

Will you sit down? For starters, put your feet up.

On the table? On the table.

With my shoes on? With your shoes on.

Now don't you feel more comfortable?

I'm going to be sick.

Felix, here.

Throw this away.

Yeah, I know I threw it on the floor. Now you throw the wrapper. Not on the

wastebasket. On the floor.

On the floor? Yeah, on the floor. And put your feet back up, will you?

Now throw the wrapper on the floor. That's barbaric.

That's right. If you want to get along with Gloria, you've got to learn to be

tolerant of us barbarians.

Gloria isn't a barbarian. Will you throw the wrapper, Felix?

I can't. I can't let go of it. You can. You can. You're gonna let go of it.

Felix, I know you can do it. I got a lot of faith in you. You gotta think about

Gloria. Think about the kids. You can do it, Felix. Come on, baby. Go ahead.

Yeah, baby, you did it. Oh, that's enough. I'm getting a migraine. No, no,

no. We're just starting now.

Monday isn't very far off. All right, stand up.

Stand up.

Take off your jacket.

I'll throw it now.

Not on the couch, Felix. On the floor.

Again on the floor? Yeah, aim for the couch and miss and let it go on the

Come on.

Well, boy, I knew you could do it. There you go. Now take off your tie. Throw it

on the floor.

If I do, can I pick up my jacket? Felix, we're not here to make any deals.

If you don't want to go back with Gloria, forget the whole thing.

Unbutton. Unbutton.

Don't you feel more comfortable?

I feel as if I haven't had a bath in a week.

We're making progress.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Oh, step on it. You've got to give a little bit.

Come on.

Well, I see your room is immaculate as always. So what did you expect, Phil?

Like on the other side of the track? All right, Phoenix, I want you to do me a

favor. You've had a rough time. Sit down. Come on. I want you to relax. Put

head up here and your feet up there. Put my shoes on the bed. Put my shoes on

the bed. Please, no. Put them down, Phoenix.

Part of the cure, I told you. Keep them down.

I want you to relax. Come on, relax while I clean my room.

What other surprises have you in store for me now?

Would you hold it for me? No, no, Oscar, no!

Without this horrible laundry you've been saving since high school, this is

that dream where you have bugs all over you.

Oscar, what are you doing?

Oh, no.

Oh,

and it means... What is that? Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, there's an anchovia. All right.

Felix,

look what I found here.

Part of a grilled cheese sandwich. Come on, here.

You're going to be all right.

Look, don't be afraid. I'll handle everything.

Don't be afraid.

Holy mackerel.

I'm too far.

Hello? I want to speak to Dr. Cunningham, please.

Oscar Madison.

You bet it's important.

It's an emergency.

How is he?

I think he's going to be fine.

You think he's going to be fine?

It's just shock.

Brought on by a thoughtless, overbearing roommate.

Oh, come on, will you, Nancy? I didn't know it was going to turn out like this.

I just tried a little simple psychology.

In our profession, simple psychology is bad psychology.

Yeah, well, I'll remember that.

I just cannot believe you do such an irresponsible thing. He wanted my help,

I tried to give it to him.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. I know, I know, I know. I'll never forgive myself.

Yes, you will. He's going to be fine. I calmed him down.

Good. You're not still mad at me, are you?

Mad, but not furious. You meant well. You know better than anybody how it

to be messy. You wanted to share it.

Yeah, I guess I tried to share with the wrong guy.

Well, look who's here.

Who do you think?

Boy, you must have conked out in there.

You sure did.

How do you feel?

Great.

Sit down, Felix. Let me get you some coffee. Great.

Boy.

Nancy, I'm still worried about him.

He seems fine. He seems fine. His shirt tail is all loud and with a lady in the

house. Relax.

He probably didn't notice.

Well, I want to find out.

How you feeling, buddy?

Great.

Buddy,

you know your shirt is open?

Do you know there's a lady in the house?

Oh, she's never seen a man's chest before?

Felix, I thought you might be hungry.

Oh, boy, great.

Felix, you've got some crumbs on your chest.

Can I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

What's wrong? What's wrong? Did you see Felix eat that cake with his fingers?

What? People eat cake with their fingers.

Now, Felix, honey, he's a banana with a knife and a fork. I'm telling you, we

got a very sick man on our hands.

Felix is dunking.

Felix is dunking?

What's wrong?

Don't get excited, buddy.

Felix, open your eyes. What wrong will you do?

Felix, you dropped some cake on a rug.

Wash it down with some coffee.

I'm tired.

I'm going to call Dr.

Kronberg. He's the best man I know for this kind of disorder.

Use the phone in the kitchen, will you, honey?

How you feeling, buddy?

Great. Again with the neck.

Yeah, I see.

Created a monster.

Hey, let's play some gin.

Where are the cards?

I'll find some in the kitchen.

Where are the cards? Come on, where are them?

Here they are.

All right, I will. Thank you very much, Gustav. What did Gustav say?

It sounded to him like a temporary schizoid aberration.

Is that fatal?

I doubt it. He suggests throwing water in the face.

Water in the face? You're kidding.

Usually very effective.

Another milestone in modern medicine.

To get the water?

I think that's something a lot better.

Come on, let's play.

Come on, let's get this junk off the table. Let's play.

How does the room look to you now?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, this beautiful room.

No, no, what have you done? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Coffee,

coffee on the floor.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Look at Candy on the floor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

How'd it go, Phil?

Uh -huh.

Gloria, she's got such a vicious... Tempers? I can't see the ball game.

You asked me how it goes. You want to hear my story?

Turn the game off.

What did you do? You said something to get a man... No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

Pot roast was overcooked. I said nothing.

Good. So what happened?

After dinner, she wanted to go out for ice cream. Yeah?

So? I ordered a hot chocolate. She ordered a hot fudge sundae. So?

I passed a remark.

What kind of remark?

I said it with love.

What did you say with love?

I said if my dress were as tight as yours, I wouldn't order a hot fudge

Oh, boy. And what did she say?

She gave it to me.